No gifts = "bad boyfriend"... um wat??

[Alisz]

I'm staring at an unmailed package on my desk. It was supposed to be my boyfriend's Christmas gift. I have the money to mail it, but he's told me to wait. Why? There's a couple reasons. He doesn't want to get more presents from me without being able to give back. I tell him that I just like giving things to people I care about and I don't expect things in return. And really, just talking to him and spending time with him is enough. I would rather he save his money for a visit than tangible items anyways. Except he still feels bad about it and I don't want him to feel that way.

But, there's also that his mom sees the gifts I send him and accuses him of being a "bad boyfriend" because he hasn't sent me much. I don't think he's a bad boyfriend at all! I understand that there have been some money problems and mailing things can get expensive. And as I said, I would rather he save it for a visit. So, he's asked me to refrain from sending him things because he doesn't want to hear about it from his mom...

I'm curious if any of you have had situations like this and what did you do?

[Freckles]

Well, Alisz, I've never experienced a situation like this, but I noticed no one else has ventured this one yet, so I'll give it my best shot.

First, I agree with you 100% that just because he can't send you as many gifts in kind doesn't make him a bad boyfriend. I'm like you: I'd rather him spend the time than the money!

Second, I think it really sucks that his mom says things like that to him.

Third, I think it's best for you to respect his wishes, BUT...

Fourth, why does his mom even have to know about the gift?

[tiffinnie]

Kinda had the same issue last month when my SO got his gift. His mom was all over him about it... I don't think he's a bad boyfriend at all, he is a working college student and hes got a condo, car, motorcycle, and tuition to pay off! I don't expect anything from him, and he knows that.

[Alisz]

Well, Alisz, I've never experienced a situation like this, but I noticed no one else has ventured this one yet, so I'll give it my best shot.

First, I agree with you 100% that just because he can't send you as many gifts in kind doesn't make him a bad boyfriend. I'm like you: I'd rather him spend the time than the money!

Second, I think it really sucks that his mom says things like that to him.

Third, I think it's best for you to respect his wishes, BUT...

Fourth, why does his mom even have to know about the gift?

The thing with his mom is that he lives with her (and a couple other family members) right now. It's part of that financial situation. So, he's not around all the time to sign for the package, but someone else will and it'll get back to her that I sent him something. She doesn't know exactly what though. I agree it's sucky of her to mention it, even in a joking manner. *sigh* I really wish I could send it lol.

[FadedSunrise]

Ah, I totally understand the parents situation of your SO too much. Can the package be sent to a friend, and they deliver it to him personally? You see, it was because of his sending a letter directly to my house(when I just happened to not be around at mail time to grab it first), my parents finding it first, that they confronted me about my relationship before I was ready. And that things got ugly. I'm kind of happy for him that his mom did not make it as ugly as mine did to me when having found the package.

I also really agree that I dont' expect gifts when I give. In general. I'm a very giving person to my closest friends, including him, and the fact of doing things for them makes ME happy. So everything else is extra. I'm giving because I think he's already done amazingly-remembering to call me just when I feel like I need it, often placing my needs above his to the extent that he can, etc.

[Caitlin2009]

well kinda did in my last "relationship" he kept score on how much i spent on him and how much he spent on me :/ thats not what a relationship is supposed to be about just being with Denise is all i would want anyway, she knows how financially strapped i am and i know how financially strapped she is so if we give a gift to each other its a bonus! but not much we can really do until we both have the money to do so

[lucybelle]

I suggest you mail it to a specific post office near him. You put "HOLD FOR _________" on it. And they hold onto the package for a few days until he can go by and pick it up. I had to do that a lot for my sister while she was hiking the AT.

[Alisz]

@FadedSunrise @lucybelle I hadn't thought about sending it to a friend or to a post office. Thanks! I'll have to look into that with him. I'll still refrain from sending it to respect his feelings (unless he says it's ok), but that could resolve the issue with his mom. ^^

[sabby64]

... I would send the gift because you already bought it and wrapped it all up, but after that refrain from sending anything else. It would really hurt my feelings for my SO to tell me not to send him something I had already gone and bought and everything. Gifts is not what makes a relationship, I never knew anyone could actually think like that... Shallow much?? I love giving gifts a million more times then receiving gifts.

[Thad]

I suggest you mail it to a specific post office near him. You put "HOLD FOR _________" on it. And they hold onto the package for a few days until he can go by and pick it up. I had to do that a lot for my sister while she was hiking the AT.

If you send it in the mail like this be sure and check the details out first. Not all post offices are created equal, and some do not hold mail. I believe there are specific ways to address the package and such.

Another option that I've used for myself when moving for summer internships is to ship via FedEx and have them hold at station. There is a fee for this, but basically they call you when they get it and you go into their office and show ID and pick up your package.

I think that's definitely the way to go. Unless of course your on speak terms with his Mom, and then perhaps you can explain your situation. If she found out you guys were going behind her back it might make the situation worse.

My two cents. Hope its helpful!

[vpavelock]

I completely understand. While I have the money to send my boyfriend things, he does not have a credit card that he can use to buy things online or really the money to buy things and send them (plus the town where he goes to college probably has 0 stores he could buy me something at.) This really hasn't been a problem yet. The only time I sent him something was for his birthday (and since mine is in July he didn't have this problem bc we were together then.) But now Valentine's day is coming up and I really want to send him something, but I don't think he will be sending me anything, and I already make him feel better for being a better gift giver and "outdoing him," his words-- not mine. The truth is I'm a chick! That's what (most) of us are like. We like to give and put a lot into everything! I think, since you've already bought the gift that you should convince him to let you send it to him (tell him it'll make you happy enough to see him happy from receiving it), but in the future cut back on the gift giving to make him feel better about it. (You may also suggest to your boyfriend that sending you anything, no matter how small is enough.) Hope this helps!

[LadyMarchHare]

I don't get how anyone associates lack of physical, tangible gifts with lack of love. His mother's an idiot, sorry to say. I've yet to receive even a card from my boyfriend, yet I don't call him a bad boyfriend. Yes it's a nice way to show affection, but it's not the only or even the BEST way to show it. Me, I've sent tons of things to my guy just because I'm the type of crazy person who likes giving gifts. It makes people smile. I don't HAVE to send things, but if I can I will. It's an option, not mandatory.

At any rate, don't let his mom's numbskullery get him down. Only you can say if he's a bad boyfriend or not since you're the one dating him, not his mom.

[nic&matt]

I'm actually your SO in this situation. I also don't have money enough to send a bunch of care packages. But for me, gifts is a love language. I love giving gifts way more than receiving so when someone gives me something, I feel obligated to show that I care and my affection back to them. I don't think it's shallow but I understand the feeling. You have to look at it from his perspective...for the most part guys really like having more than girls. They like to spend more and show you affection that way. When the girl always gives more than the guy, I think it's natural that they don't feel finacally ahead. I allow my SO to spend more because he gets upset when he can't. I also limit him because I feel that I must keep up with him.
Give him a little bit of a break. The more "homemade gifts" you give him the more he might feel he can give back. You both need to even eachother out.
Since you already have that gift, I would vote to send it to him also and I would agree with lucybelle and FadedSunrise. Just figure out an alternative thing with that issue with his parents.
Good luck! I'm sure it'll get resolved quickly

[JessicaTran05]

Is he creative? can he made ecard, send you video email through eyejot.com, make little things for you, write handwritten letters, scrapbook, write stuff (songs, poems, stories, etc), or write email? In my opinion, any of those gesture, even though it is not expensive but it is full of thought. It would make better gift is the thought that put into it and not the value of the gift. in other words, the gift doesn't have to cost a thing but just fill with thought and efforts.