What if its a "NO"?

[KiwiLove]

Ok, I have questioned this a lot of times and its stuck in my head...
I have decided that I am going to move to my SO. But never asked him if it would not work me moving to him if he would do a move to be with me

Have you ever asked the one in your relationship who is not moving?
I mean..it would be over if he wouldnt do the same for me but I also know its a HUGE thing to move not only towns but countries, continents and language barriers...

So yes,

I dont know...there are so many things up in my mind, all at the same time and every single morning I wake up and my first thought is about "I have to bring it up to my parents again"...Im just so scared

[LadyMarchHare]

Moving, no matter how far, is always a scary thing and an expensive thing. I think it's normal to be afraid to ask or even offended if they tell you they wouldn't dare dream of moving for you, no matter the reason. The only way to settle your fears is to gather the courage to ask and try to weigh the options on who it would be easier on in the long run if they moved. Language barriers can be broken over time, the scary feeling of new, unfamiliar surroundings fade, and it doesn't have to be permanent. If you end up truly unhappy you can move elsewhere or go back home and try another option if need be.

[nicole]

I never asked my SO if he wanted to move here, I always had the intention of coming back to the States- I'll be fresh out of college and can go pretty much anywhere I want- he has a well-payed, steady job and is already pretty much set up. It only makes sense for me to move. However, when we were looking at visa options and how difficult/expensive it is, he said he would move over here if it meant we could be together sooner. He still maintains that and I believe him. He would move anywhere if I asked him, and I am grateful... but it's not practical, however romantic that thought may be

I would just try and ask him, or at least try and sit down and go through your options, it's the only way the two of you are going to come up with a clear plan of closing the distance, or at least an idea of how to close the distance. You never know, he may be having similar thoughts.

[Far_Away_So_Close]

I know my SO would hate living in my country, even more than I hated living there. But if the life conditions calls for it and his working conditions allow for it, I know he would move there for me. Not permanently, as I don't want it to be either, but for a period. In fact, had certaing conditions worked out last year (which they didn't), he would have moved to my country for 2 years before I went to his. Plus, we are both in free professions, so that helps as well.

I think it's very important that you clear this. What if sometime in the future one of your parents needs your help and you have to move back, at least for a while? Would he not go with you?

[KiwiLove]

What if sometime in the future one of your parents needs your help and you have to move back, at least for a while? Would he not go with you?

Yes thats what I thought aswell...I do think he would come with me but Im not sure if he would move like im going to move!
For a long time!

@LadyMarchHare: I am a bit afraid to ask him this question but actually I meant it because Im scared to hell to bring it up to my parents again...they dont want me to go!

Sorry if im creating missunderstandings here my english is getting worse and worse :-(

[MystChic]

Before my current relationship, I was involved with a man where I was the one that moved.. my main advice is this. Be prepared.

Be prepared for everything, for highs, for lows and above all, culture shock. Recognise what it is, recognise it when it's happening. What's all new and exciting at the start, can become a source of anxiety later on. Unfortunatly, my relationship wasn't strong enough to handle it because niether of us knew what was going on.. so three months later, I left his country and came back to Australia... flat broke. Make sure you have plan B

Have you been to where he lives before? Visiting and making sure you like the place can help.

My Grandmother always says that we only regret the things we do not do.

If you have any questions please don't hesitate to contact me - if I can help I will xx

[milaya]

Have you ever asked the one in your relationship who is not moving?

No, not really. Since it was pretty obvious from the start that I would be the one to move to Japan. And it wouldn't really work the other way around. My SO has offered that we could live in Denmark instead of Japan, but I know it isn't possible.
Since my SO doesn't even speak English and definitely not Danish, so he won't be able to find a job here or make friends.
Where I on the other hand speak Japanese and have a good knowledge when it comes to the culture and overall social structure.
Besides, Danish Visa rules are a pain.

It's of course understandable that you're scared. It's very normal, since everything in your life will be turned up side down. I was kinda scared as well, just when I last year had to move by my self to the other side of the country to attend university. I knew nobody and had to life on my own for the first time. It quickly passed though.

Guess you also need to be mentally prepared for moving and then make an effort to make friends and get a social life quickly, besides your SO and his family for that sake. Since I think that will help you establish your "new life" better and confirm your own identity.

Of course I don't think you should be scared to ask him about him moving to your country. If he says no, then you can work on it from there. Of course then there's the parents... I really have no advice. I have to tell my own mother about an important decision I've made on the phone... and I have no idea of where to start...

[Far_Away_So_Close]

I see you're in Switzerland. Does your SO speak French or German? If not, I would dare to assume that he has no prospects in Switzerland, while your English (in spite of what you may claim) is very good, and can get you settled in Australia. That would make his move a question of mere theory. Do you need to bother yourself with theory? I think you should nonetheless, because it implies intentions.

[Zephii]

Basically, you need to talk about it. I did ask my SO those questions. We talked about it A LOT. He always said he would never move for me - but later this year we are both going back to Australia (my country) to live, marry and have children for three years. He wont move perminantly, but he'll try a few years - even though he knows its hard- because 1) he knows it isnt forever and 2) I did it first and set a good example. He now realises it's not ok to ask me to move when he isn't willing to himself, and we both realise that saying a final goodbye is not an option for some people (like me.)
So yes. Talk. Make up senarios and "what ifs". Discuss EVERYTHING.

With your parents I'd suggest waiting. Save your money quietly, and wait until you're an adult. A little extra time in an LDR will do you more good than harm. Obi and I are both glad we did it as slow as we did, because it's SO HARD to close the distance and keep it closed and if we did it as kids we would have failed.

[Rugger]

My SO and I have def. talked about which one of us will be moving. Where I live is where his field of study is so we have been leaning towards him moving to where I am (which I would like very much, as I'm very very close to my family) But I've also offered to move to where he is because starting out in our own place would be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cheaper. But It all depends on where he can land a job

[hippomambo]

The whole "who's going to move where" can be a touchy thing. We haven't set anything in stone and it would be at least 6 years before anyone moved. I couldn't see myself relocating to where he is. Right now I can't move (not giving up my kids for ANY man) and I can't imagine being an ocean away from them until they're fully on their feet as adults. Even then I might not be willing as grandchildren may come into the picture. Conversely he's an only child and if his parents need his help in upcoming years I can't see him abandoning them. TBH we avoid this subject as it's a long way off before any move could happen.

[paulawriteslove]

I never asked my boyfriend if he wanted to move here. It just kind of came up in our conversation and that's when he said he doesn't want me to move away from all my family and that he would be the one to move. My advice to you is to bring up the question in a fun way.

[princessmeg1328]

My boyfriend and I both just kind of assumed that I was moving there. I've lived there before when I did a semester abroad, and I love it there. My boyfriend is 10 years older than me so he's established in his job there, and he's also looking at buying a house this year so it just makes sense for me to move there. Even though it started as an assumption, we have come to the decision together.

[nic&matt]

I think it's very important to talk about... you may be surprised about where he wants to live and how well you guys may compromise on a place. Bringing it up with parents is going to be sssssoooo difficult, I'm so sorry. Make sure to get plans 100% with your SO before asking your parents. That way if it is a no, it's nothing akward with them.
Just ask. If you don't get the courage to ask, you'll always wonder what would happen if you did. Maybe slowly ease into it, everyday, for a couple of weeks so it's not so shocking and be completely open to any answer he may give. If it is a no, it won't be the end of the world, or your relationship. Just because he might not be ready now might not mean he never will...the more you accept his answer, the sooner he'll come to you with maybe another date or place to move.
I wish you the best of luck! Let us know how it goes!!!

[KiwiLove]

Have you been to where he lives before? Visiting and making sure you like the place can help.

I have been in Australia for 7 months. It was always my dream to go to Australia since I was little and my dream came true after I finished my apprenticeship.
I loved it over there. When my plane touched down I was crying because I felt like "home" and the thing I was dreaming about all the years came true

And yes, your grandmother is right. Grandmothers are most of the time right...
I believe it aswell. If you dont do what you think is best you might regret it for your lifetime.