SO compared you to an ex-boyfriend

[JessicaTran05]

I spoke with my SO this morning, it was a good conversation but something she says bothered me so much. I say I miss her, that my love won't change for her and that once my career settle I want to be with her, maybe at her country or maybe at mine, depending on if she could obtain a visa to the USA or not. But she compares what I say to what her ex-boyfriend say before (she claims what we say are similar), her ex-boyfriend after having his career left her for another person. He two timed her during their relationship and left her to marry another woman. I guess she just compared me because she is afraid that she will lose me too after I have my career and that history will repeat itself. But what got me sad is that she compared me to her ex and that she doesn't trust me. Have you guys been in this situation before? My mood was good this morning but this totally change my mood and I don't know how to get out of it. I know she doesn't remember or love him anymore! And we have been together for 1 year and 6 months and I trust that she loves me. But I hate living in the shadow of an ex-boyfriend, being compared and feeling that I am not trusted.

[adielovesshelbs]

i would just be honest with her about how it made me feel. she is not going to know that it bothers you until you tell her. at first she may be a little frustrated that she brought it up and you may argue but atleast she will know how you feel. it will make you feel better once you told her. hope the rest of your day gets better.

[Miramaid]

my SO compares me to his exes a lot. I hate that and I KNOW I am not them and I do not act like them. It is totally unfair and I understand how you feel.
I understand her fears but still...tell her that you do not like to be compared to others. With my SO it did not work, but hopefully with yours it will

[Miramaid]

my SO compares me to his exes a lot. I hate that and I KNOW I am not them and I do not act like them. It is totally unfair and I understand how you feel.
I understand her fears but still...tell her that you do not like to be compared to others. With my SO it did not work, but hopefully with yours it will

[hippomambo]

Internally most of us compare people. This is pretty normal. However, if it comes to the point of verbalizing it there might be more at play. Sounds to me like she hasn't fully worked though the issues/baggage from that previous relationship. Communication is key. Let her know that the comparison is hurtful but also let her know you can understand she was hurt and that you want to help her get past that and to the point where your sincere statements don't trigger a negative emotional response.

[LadyEcstsasy]

I'm on the guilty end of this, having let some things like that slip out before (usually when I was either massively depressed, or really ticked at him). I agree with Hippomambo, she's probably got issues and emotional baggage from the past that she needs to work through, and sometimes it takes time and help. Let her know exactly how you felt about it and remind her that you're not some other guy, and that you want to prevent her from ever being hurt like that again. If it's a really deep rooted problem she has, don't expect a sudden turn around. It's going to take time and patience and a lot of putting your money where your mouth is to help her let go.

[Far_Away_So_Close]

My SO had another long distance relationship before me, with a girl he almost proposed to, which ended like something out of a soap opera (I am frankly amazed he agreed to a second LDR). Basically all the time we were apart and not knowing how we'll meet again was for him like a really bad rerun. He obviously hated it, and I hated it twice as much - the situation itself (being apart, missing him, the uncertainty), AND being constantly compared. I had to convince him that I'm not her, and I felt responsible for gragging him into another story of the sort.

I can totally understand why your girlfriend is suspicious. Give her time, and accept the fact that she will make those comparisons, until the fact that she can trust you finally sinks it. Be prepared, it may take quite a while. Good luck.

[beaton]

I understand where she is coming from, since it just sank in that I can trust my SO due to similar issues. He called me out on it and made me realize that I needed to just trust him.
She isn't necessarily comparing you with her ex, she's just reacting to negative conditioning, By proving her wrong you are helping her to rewrite what she has learned. Jus talk to her--tell her how you didn't like feeling compared to her ex when you were being sincere, and more importantly that you want to help her.

[Jrapp]

I can see where she is coming from with the fear of past events surfacing again in someone new. Although Brianna has never compared me to her ex's (negatively that is, she has told me how much better I am than several of them) so I'm not sure what that feels like, but just let her know you're thoughts and feelings. It might cause a fight or argument as others have said, but you can patch it back together! Lord knows I have countless times =p