When to get Married?

[archangel]

I've talked this over with my SO a few times...but still our middle ground we agreed about is not completely stable. It "could" potentially move back a few years if we run into finical difficulties.

In my LDR... I am the one is wanted to get married sooner, like before 25. But my SO views on this are the complete opposite... she would rather get married later like 27. When we did discuss this in our emails we came to a rough (very rough) agreement that we would try and get married at 25 (when she is 25). Lately I asked her about the possibility of getting married one year sooner, but she said that would be too early.

My reasoning for getting married sooner, would be because we could bring our lives together sooner instead of waiting longer...
Also due to our cultural differences moving together before marriage is a bit of a challenge.
I posted this thread last month referring to that...
Thinking-Ahead-Moving-to-be-with-your-sweetheart
I would like to have her to come over to Canada when she finishes her studies. We would live together while I am going to university and working part-time, and I'd help her get a job in Canada. We "might" be engaged around now... but I would still keep that a surprise for my SO. Also another reason for her to come to Canada is that our currency is stronger than South East Asia, it is a lot safer and we have a lot more rights (you can't kiss in public in Malaysia).

So ya all.... what is your opinion on marriage? when should the knot get tied?

[Tanja]

It's kinda hard to set a rule about when to get married since every couple's situation is different from others...

But circumstances that would favour in getting married in my opinion are:

- when you're both financially secured
- when you've lived together long enough to know you could live together for the rest of your lives
- when you BOTH agree the time is right and are ready to take that step

Of course in some cases you will get married merely for practical reasons (e.g getting a visa to move to be with your SO in another country) but assuming that's not the case then I think at least those 3 things have to be agreed on before getting married.

[William]

How old are you now? That's kinda important to know..

[Bluestars]

My SO and I started talking about this pretty early on in our relationship. He is five years older than me, he is 24 turning 25 and I am 20, and while he just graduated from college, I still have two years left. The plan is that he should move to my area in around a year or so. He moved here in December but only stayed for two months because he couldn't find a job--basically he rushed into it too quickly. However, this is a flexible plan because he needs to get a better job and get himself on his feet first. It might take longer than that for him to move here, but I am keeping my fingers crossed >.<

We plan on getting engaged when I graduate--or during my senior year in college--and then we will move in together and wait a while until we get married. At first, we agreed that we would wait until I am 25 to get married, but I think that he might not want to wait that long, so it might even be earlier. It just depends on how things work out because will take a while for us to be financially stable and whatnot. We also plan spending five years to ourselves and then having children when I am 30

[archangel]

How old are you now? That's kinda important to know..

I'm turning 20 in May and my SO is 2 years older than me.

It's kinda hard to set a rule about when to get married since every couple's situation is different from others...

But circumstances that would favour in getting married in my opinion are:

- when you're both financially secured
- when you've lived together long enough to know you could live together for the rest of your lives
- when you BOTH agree the time is right and are ready to take that step

Of course in some cases you will get married merely for practical reasons (e.g getting a visa to move to be with your SO in another country) but assuming that's not the case then I think at least those 3 things have to be agreed on before getting married.

your post reminded me of a website I found earlier for my Anthropology class...

Marriage and Divorce

Top Characteristics People Want in a Partner

1. Honesty
2. Kindness
3. Respect
4. Compatibility
5. Humour

Top Reasons Why People Marry

1. Marriage signifies commitment
2. Moral values
3. Children should have married parents
4. The natural thing to do
5. Financial security

Top Reasons Why Couples Divorce

1. Different values and interests
2. Physical and emotional abuse
3. Alcohol and drugs
4. Infidelity
5. Career-related conflict

SOURCE: Vanier Institute of the Family

https://www.cbc.ca/news/background/marriage/index.html

[MadMolly]

I don't think we'll ever get married unless we decide to have kids, but since neither of us particularly want kids it probably won't happen. I don't really see the point in marriage unless it's for legal reasons as well as loving eachother. Though there are things like having a say in his life should something terrible happen and, say, there is a question of whether to take him off life support after an accident. I think in those sort of situations a married spouse has more legal rights than an unmarried one. I DO however like the sound of a wedding, haha!

[polkapiggy]

Well, marriage has been discussed between Alex and I, although I am only 14 and he is only 17, we are part of very different cultures, and he's keen to get married young. I'm fine with getting married young, but I want to wait until I'm slightly older to have kids, which he isn't so keen on. Where he comes from, its totally normal to have kids by the time you are 18, and his parents had him when they were both 18, and his sister when they were even younger. However, my parents had my sister and I when they were much older, 35, and they would have waited longer, but my mother was going through early menopause, so it was a "now or never" situation. He's turning 18 on June 10th (a day after I turn 15!) and he actually wants to ignore it, because he feels old! XD I keep telling him he's not old, but he wont believe me. I guess thats just the way it is where he lives, but where I live marrying and having kids young is frowned upon, so I'll probably make him wait until we are 25-30 to have kids.

As for the actual marriage, we're planning on having two weddings! =) We're not sure how exactly it will work, and one of them will probably just be a celebration, but we're going to have one in america, and one in the UK. The one in the US, his parents will hopefully pay for at least some of it, as its going to be expensive! His family is HUGE and he can't even name them all off the top of his head! The ceromony in england is going to be FAR smaller, there will be less than 50 guests as instead of having family from my dads dads side, my dads mums side, my mums mums side and my mums dads side, the only family that we actually consider family is my mums mums side. Thats just 20 people including my parents and sister! Then theres just 10-20 family friends, and my friends. The USA wedding will probably be more than double the size of the one in the UK!

And in case you're wondering why we've discussed marriage in such detail, but aren't actually engaged, we discuss the future a LOT, its one of our favourite things to talk about and plan. However, although we both know we're going to get married within the next 10 or so years, we aren't engaged as we want to meet in person before we make any commitments as huge as that! Although we're still young, I know he's going to be the man I will spend the rest of my life with =)

[archangel]

me and my SO have also discussed about having two wedding ceremonies... one in Canada and one in Malaysia. Also we do like talking about to future, but not too much since if happen to disagree on something it could turn sour. Well... I'm always the one bringing up the future.
I just really would like to close the gap sooner and make this a CDR but since we have cultural differences... it is a lot harder than it sounds. This reminds me to ask her again about her perspective on marriage....
In my other thread my SO isn't really for moving in together before marriage... she would prefer once we are married. On the other hand I would like to be together before marriage... so this is another dilemma which we must overcome.
I am hoping when we meet this summer everything will become clearer, since right now... it isn't.
I would like to have an ideal future but at the moment everything is seeming so surreal.

I guess I should have asked for advice instead of your opinion at first ya'll.

[folclor]

Hmm... I think you should get married when you're ready. ^^ I won't be ready for a couple more years, I know, and neither will Alex, probably. At the same time, one of my friends got married at 18. I don't think she was ready to, her maturity isn't very high, but it really does depend upon the persons involved. I'll probably be at least 22 or 23 before I'm even engaged, though, and I'm fine with that. ^^

[LuckyFin]

I agree with what everyone has been saying about it needing to be right for both people in a relationship. Also, theres no perscribed time for a marriage. My SO and I have been together for six years and have no definate plans for getting married just yet - we just both know that we want it. There are too many other things going on right now to be concerned about a marriage - he needs to find a stable-ish job and I need to graduate for college! We have actually had friends of ours meet, get together, and get married all while he and I were still together - a point I often remind him of I am definately the anxious-to-be-married one in our relationship. But, he's the sensible everything-in-the-right order one, haha!

Good luck with everything though

[archangel]

Thanks everyone! I would like to hear a bit more thou...

I think once we meet in person everything we be solved, since i'll be able to talk to her and her parents.
I just wish I could fly over to her now and be with her everyday...
I miss her so much!!

[Italia10]

I have been in a relationship for three years now and although I want to get married one day, I also know that there are other things that I want to happen first. I try not to compare myself to friends or other couples and where they are in their relationships. Whatever step that my SO and I take next is because it will benefit the both of us and our relationship. I like what you say about once you are together, everything will be solved. I know how that feels because when I am with my SO, I feel like anything is possible. The problems melt away and everything seems so much easier.

Whatever happens for you next, may you and your SO be HAAPPPYYYY!!!!!

[Sarah M]

I have no idea... I'd love to marry Matt. I honestly think it's a possibility. I think that you've made valid points for her to come to you. So that's fair. I just hope it all goes well. Congratulations! (?)

[Mio]

Well, I think you should marry when you feel ready to marry, when you have it sorted it out and you are stable enough. I understand that you want to be with her, that is totally normal. Does she has a reason why she don't want to marry sooner? By being international it makes difficulties, it happened to me too. We are getting married in June though. I really hope you can have an open conversation, not in email, at least in video chat, and that you can come in good terms. Take Care!