I think I have written about it briefly and I may repeat myself, but I really need advice.
My SO has been kinda depressed lately. He is going to be 31 in a month. Pretty much his depression (or constantly bad mood - whatever that is, I do not want to give a diagnosis) is due to several things. According to him: he is 31 and hates his job; hates the army reserves he is in and can't really go active duty because then he will not see me and because I do not want him to go (correction: i never told him I did not want him to go. On the contrary I always tell him if he decides to go I would wait. But I do tell him that I would be worried about him always and I would not want anything to happen to him and in case we have a family he may regret missing out on some important things in the life of his kids if we were to have kids); has no family; has no friends; I live far away and it will be like that for a while; it took him 10 years to finish his bachelors degree and that degree is not needed and it was a waste; he has student loans that he has to pay for a long time; people who he knows and who made more mistakes in life and who have no degrees make more $ than he does and struggle less... All those reasons are the reasons he gives me.
Now he wants me to support him. I want to support him. Sometimes the way I support him doesn't work and I end up being the bad one who doesn't support him. Sometimes I support and it works. The support that works is feeling sorry for him and feeling pity for him. That works but then I feel pity for myself also and he doesn't feel motivated and feels sorry for himself even more - that is my personal observation.
Here is what I am struggling with and I need yours guys help with this. I am not even from this country and I came here all by myself, my parents are far away and they never paid for anything in my life. Somehow I am making it in the country that is far from being my native. He is a gorgeous strong man, with arms and legs and a brain, it is his country where he has more rights and has it easier in terms of laws and rights. I have noticed that he is a bit lazy. The way I look at things is if you want to make $ get a job. Do not like your job - get another job. Get three jobs and work your butt off if you REALLY want to pay off your loans and buy a house. Not easy? Not easy. He is not doing that. HE hates that job but he is not leaving and is not really trying to apply for another one. He had started going to classess in the evening so he can have prerequisites to enter one of the army programs that pays well, but all i hear is how much he hates those classes and how he is not sure that is what he wants to do and if he will make it. There is a way to get his loans paid through the army. Army has it all tricky and it is a lot of paperwork and knowing army I can tell it will take forever, but it is out there and he could collect that paperwork and forget about at least part of his loans. He is not doing it. HE prefers to brag about how hard that is and how he has no idea where to even start with that. It has been like that for a while and every month he pays those loans.
Now about us...the way he talks makes me wonder sometimes...Yes I know I have a difficult visa situation and I am not from the greatest country in the World, but if he is serious about me THAT should not scare him and he should consider marrying me (I am in a relationship BECAUSE I want to be married and have a family. That is just want I want and he knows that). Not tomorrow but in a future i want it to happen. But it sounds like he is ONLY not gonna do it coz I can not stay here on my own. But guess what? I can not stay here on my own even after I get my degree here in school and for me to be able to come back to him we would have to be married. My visa requires me to come back to my country for two years. It is a rule. And it sounds like for him it is a reason NOT to marry me and not to even think about it coz then I will be gone for at least two years. HE is not looking at it like if we are married i will be back with him FOR GOOD! He is also not considering going to my country with me coz it would have been too hard for him there and coz he has all those loans to pay and he would not make as much $ in my country to be able to pa off his loans here. To me it is a BS. I am gonna be here in his country for another 3 years at least. I am 26 years old and I want a family and children. If he is afraid that after 3-4 years I will have to leave his country, he may as well think about HOW to be closer to me OR leave me if he doesn't want to go with me or wait for me, or marry me...I told him that if he was to go active duty army I would wait for him and I would. But he cant wait for me??? We rarely talk about US in those terms but when we do I am always left full of doubts.
So every time he is depressed I find myself comforting him as a mommy. Seriously. I find myself even thinking of him as a child sometimes. And he is a grown man. I pamper him. And it is not that I mind. I do not. I just feel like he loves being treated like that. HE says he hates his life and that he deserves better things and better treatment from people, but frankly he doesn't not very much to receive that better treatment. He is drowning in his depression and cultivating it. He doesn't want to hear "hey! you are not doing too bad actually! You HAVE a job, you are young, you have traveled, you CAN change things!" A lot of jobs that are out there he doesn't want to apply for coz they are either too dangerous, or too many responsibilities, or he has no experience in that area... When he is depressed I find myself constantly wanting to make him feel better and doing things like sending him letters, packages, songs, telling nice words, today i ordered him pizza home...and as a response I get "thank you" and I do not get nearly as much of an affection or reaction that I would want to get. I feel under-appreciated. The way I look at it is if everything in your life sux but you have a loving and caring SO who is sticking through it all with you and actually is making an effort to make you feel better, then you at least should acknowledge it and appreciate it. AT least you should be happy that you are LOVED. But he really doesn't seem to be happy. I asked him if he was happy with me and he said yes, but somehow I feel empty and drained. I want to feel like if everything sux I am at least one good thing in his life and he is happy about it, but I do not feel like he feels like that. He says he does but he doesnt act like it.
I am sorry I am rumbling and it is too long. I want to know how NOT to help him cultivate this depression and HOW not to become his nanny and mommy because that is ALL i have been doing. If I am his mommy, I am not his WOMAN. HE wont see me like that. His depression directly affects me and tho i very much want to help him and be there for him and be involved, I hate that I am becoming his mother and treat him as a child (in my mind i do). What should i do with myself and HOW can I help him too? I hate when he is all upset. Besides it affect how often we talk and the quality of our communication and that makes me sad too. I start missing him even if we talk on skypse every day. It is like intimacy is fading.
My SO has been kinda depressed lately. He is going to be 31 in a month. Pretty much his depression (or constantly bad mood - whatever that is, I do not want to give a diagnosis) is due to several things. According to him: he is 31 and hates his job; hates the army reserves he is in and can't really go active duty because then he will not see me and because I do not want him to go (correction: i never told him I did not want him to go. On the contrary I always tell him if he decides to go I would wait. But I do tell him that I would be worried about him always and I would not want anything to happen to him and in case we have a family he may regret missing out on some important things in the life of his kids if we were to have kids); has no family; has no friends; I live far away and it will be like that for a while; it took him 10 years to finish his bachelors degree and that degree is not needed and it was a waste; he has student loans that he has to pay for a long time; people who he knows and who made more mistakes in life and who have no degrees make more $ than he does and struggle less... All those reasons are the reasons he gives me.
Now he wants me to support him. I want to support him. Sometimes the way I support him doesn't work and I end up being the bad one who doesn't support him. Sometimes I support and it works. The support that works is feeling sorry for him and feeling pity for him. That works but then I feel pity for myself also and he doesn't feel motivated and feels sorry for himself even more - that is my personal observation.
Here is what I am struggling with and I need yours guys help with this. I am not even from this country and I came here all by myself, my parents are far away and they never paid for anything in my life. Somehow I am making it in the country that is far from being my native. He is a gorgeous strong man, with arms and legs and a brain, it is his country where he has more rights and has it easier in terms of laws and rights. I have noticed that he is a bit lazy. The way I look at things is if you want to make $ get a job. Do not like your job - get another job. Get three jobs and work your butt off if you REALLY want to pay off your loans and buy a house. Not easy? Not easy. He is not doing that. HE hates that job but he is not leaving and is not really trying to apply for another one. He had started going to classess in the evening so he can have prerequisites to enter one of the army programs that pays well, but all i hear is how much he hates those classes and how he is not sure that is what he wants to do and if he will make it. There is a way to get his loans paid through the army. Army has it all tricky and it is a lot of paperwork and knowing army I can tell it will take forever, but it is out there and he could collect that paperwork and forget about at least part of his loans. He is not doing it. HE prefers to brag about how hard that is and how he has no idea where to even start with that. It has been like that for a while and every month he pays those loans.
Now about us...the way he talks makes me wonder sometimes...Yes I know I have a difficult visa situation and I am not from the greatest country in the World, but if he is serious about me THAT should not scare him and he should consider marrying me (I am in a relationship BECAUSE I want to be married and have a family. That is just want I want and he knows that). Not tomorrow but in a future i want it to happen. But it sounds like he is ONLY not gonna do it coz I can not stay here on my own. But guess what? I can not stay here on my own even after I get my degree here in school and for me to be able to come back to him we would have to be married. My visa requires me to come back to my country for two years. It is a rule. And it sounds like for him it is a reason NOT to marry me and not to even think about it coz then I will be gone for at least two years. HE is not looking at it like if we are married i will be back with him FOR GOOD! He is also not considering going to my country with me coz it would have been too hard for him there and coz he has all those loans to pay and he would not make as much $ in my country to be able to pa off his loans here. To me it is a BS. I am gonna be here in his country for another 3 years at least. I am 26 years old and I want a family and children. If he is afraid that after 3-4 years I will have to leave his country, he may as well think about HOW to be closer to me OR leave me if he doesn't want to go with me or wait for me, or marry me...I told him that if he was to go active duty army I would wait for him and I would. But he cant wait for me??? We rarely talk about US in those terms but when we do I am always left full of doubts.
So every time he is depressed I find myself comforting him as a mommy. Seriously. I find myself even thinking of him as a child sometimes. And he is a grown man. I pamper him. And it is not that I mind. I do not. I just feel like he loves being treated like that. HE says he hates his life and that he deserves better things and better treatment from people, but frankly he doesn't not very much to receive that better treatment. He is drowning in his depression and cultivating it. He doesn't want to hear "hey! you are not doing too bad actually! You HAVE a job, you are young, you have traveled, you CAN change things!" A lot of jobs that are out there he doesn't want to apply for coz they are either too dangerous, or too many responsibilities, or he has no experience in that area... When he is depressed I find myself constantly wanting to make him feel better and doing things like sending him letters, packages, songs, telling nice words, today i ordered him pizza home...and as a response I get "thank you" and I do not get nearly as much of an affection or reaction that I would want to get. I feel under-appreciated. The way I look at it is if everything in your life sux but you have a loving and caring SO who is sticking through it all with you and actually is making an effort to make you feel better, then you at least should acknowledge it and appreciate it. AT least you should be happy that you are LOVED. But he really doesn't seem to be happy. I asked him if he was happy with me and he said yes, but somehow I feel empty and drained. I want to feel like if everything sux I am at least one good thing in his life and he is happy about it, but I do not feel like he feels like that. He says he does but he doesnt act like it.
I am sorry I am rumbling and it is too long. I want to know how NOT to help him cultivate this depression and HOW not to become his nanny and mommy because that is ALL i have been doing. If I am his mommy, I am not his WOMAN. HE wont see me like that. His depression directly affects me and tho i very much want to help him and be there for him and be involved, I hate that I am becoming his mother and treat him as a child (in my mind i do). What should i do with myself and HOW can I help him too? I hate when he is all upset. Besides it affect how often we talk and the quality of our communication and that makes me sad too. I start missing him even if we talk on skypse every day. It is like intimacy is fading.
Comment