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**Silviar** · February 23, 2011, 05:40 AM

Stand tall, and speak as you've already made your decision and that you're doing it (don't make it a question or like you're asking for advice). Don't make it a question. It may help to have your visa in-hand if you don't have it already.

If they try to argue, stop it. Tell them "I'm not arguing; I've already made my decision. I would like ot spend time together before I leave." And if they shout, give them a warning, then walk off. Parents or no, they have no right to shout or scream at you. Don't accept it.

**Rugger** · February 23, 2011, 06:35 AM

Good luck girl! Keep us posted!

**LadyMarchHare** · February 23, 2011, 06:51 AM

Silviar's made a good point. Despite that they're your parents and you don't want to make waves, it is your life and ultimately your decision. It's not like you made it yesterday and now they have to find out. You told them months ago, you've been planning all this time and working towards the goal of moving, they have to accept that you're not going to give up because they whine or because it's hard. I think your SO did the right thing by letting you handle it as really it's your family, your decision, and your business but he's also supporting you 100% either way you go. Be as confident as you can be when talking to them and like Silviar said, don't let them intimidate you or try to start up a fight. Walk away if they do and let them know why you're stepping back from their unappreciated behavior. Even parents need a dose of tough love here and there.

**Mara** · February 23, 2011, 08:00 AM

I'd say something along the loves of, I love you, but I can't live my life for you, I have to live my life for myself. Then, say something about how you'll miss them and you'll visit, but this is the right decision for you and you've made up your mind. If they try to start an argument I'd walk out. There's no sense in arguing with them, you've made it your mind, and there's no changing that.

I wish you luck. I hope it goes well.

**KiwiLove** · February 23, 2011, 09:17 AM

Stand tall, and speak as you've already made your decision and that you're doing it (don't make it a question or like you're asking for advice). Don't make it a question. It may help to have your visa in-hand if you don't have it already.

If they try to argue, stop it. Tell them "I'm not arguing; I've already made my decision. I would like ot spend time together before I leave." And if they shout, give them a warning, then walk off. Parents or no, they have no right to shout or scream at you. Don't accept it.

Thats so true...I am going to try to act this way. I know Im not the most self-confident person and I really do have to go through this and be strong for myself. I always feel sorry for my parents. Whenever I talk about them and want to do something what I WANT I feel bad..
But your all right! It shouldnt end as an argue because they have to accept my decision.

I hope it all goes "well" as much as well as it can be..

**LadyMarchHare** · February 23, 2011, 10:07 AM

Originally posted by KiwiLove View Post

Thats so true...I am going to try to act this way. I know Im not the most self-confident person and I really do have to go through this and be strong for myself. I always feel sorry for my parents. Whenever I talk about them and want to do something what I WANT I feel bad..
But your all right! It shouldnt end as an argue because they have to accept my decision.

I hope it all goes "well" as much as well as it can be..

Maybe try practicing what you're gonna say to them in front of a mirror first and watch your body language and expressions and work on those? I know a lot of people use this method with stage fright so it can't hurt to try. And remember, we're all here to back you up no matter what.

**KiwiLove** · February 25, 2011, 01:05 AM

Update

I am sorry I didnt post anything about it yesterday.
I couldnt bring it up on wednesday. I was a lot of times JUST about to bring it up but my throat was like blocked and I went to bed crying because I felt so bad for not having the courage to tell my parents.
Yesterday I decided it HAS TO change!!! I decided to bring it up in the evening when I got home from work.
It took me a very long time until I started to talk...the hours went by and when I brought it up it was already 09:00 pm.
I told them that I have met that woman from Human Resource and that we talked about how it will go on after my current working contract.
I also told my parents that she was saying "your dad would he happy if you would stay in Roche for 20 years".
After that, I told them that this is true that this is THEIR plan for my life but I do have another one.
My mum already knew what was coming and surprisingly she didnt shout at first.

I told them that no one can live the life of others and that everyone should do what they think is best for them but they didnt understand.
She said I am going to be a poor woman, who has to work her butt off to even surive.
That there is no good insurances like health insurance and that I have lost my parents and they have lost me when I am going to Australia.
She said really mean things about my SO and me which I dont want to write down in here.

She also said if she is going to be ill it will be my fault.
After that I went to the bathroom and she came too.
She was really mad and pulled on my hair but my dad came and said she is crazy she should leave me alone!!
When I went into my bedroom I shut the door and looked it.
I was scared and I was shaking on my whole body. Then I started to cry...finally

I feel like I have broken our family. I feel bad for what I have done.
I feel bad because I didnt even cry during that time (Normally I always cry)
During that time I had ALWAYS my SOs picture in mind which gave me strenght somehow..everytime I felt Im close to crying my SOs face came up in mind and I had more energy.
Unfortunatly I dont feel good. I really really feel bad for what I have done.
I dont even know if it was right what I have done. I have disappointed them. To the worst.

I even can not believe what I write here about my own mother. I would never have imagined something like this would ever happen between her and me.

I am really happy to have this site where I can write about it. Thank you for reading and sorry for my mistakes (they are even worse when Im upset)

What should I do now? Should I just go on with my plan? Or would you stop now and wait until they (hopefully) calmed down a little?
I really dont know. But I know I want to be with my boyfriend. I love him more than anything and dont want to loose him.

**FadedSunrise** · February 25, 2011, 01:29 AM

Ohhh girrl ((((big hugs)))))

I so can relate and empathize with everything you've written here. Because aside from my parents actually physically doing anything to me, this is basically the same process and thought process that went on when they found out/I told them about my SO. I'm still trying to recover from the ensuing mess and the scar that's left on me....

On one hand I couldn't believe my own audacity, and felt like I rocked the boat so much that I broke it and did irreparable things to our family. On the other hand I blame myself for not lying some, or handling it it on the other hand with more bravery and audacity, because not doing that made things awkward with my SO for quite a bit(we broke up for 3 weeks but kept talking). Granted my parents and I had this confrontation in the early stages of my relationship with my SO(even if you don't count the three weeks we've been apart, we've only been together 2 months), but I don't see how it will be different if we have a confrontation about it at the same point in our relationship in the future, provided we survive.

I can just...really really relate well to the family dynamics you've presented in your posts, and I want you to know that I empathize. A lot.

**LadyMarchHare** · February 25, 2011, 06:28 PM

First of all, none of this is your fault. Your mother's reaction is the cause of your grief and the drama that is now shaking your family, not your plans to leave. She tried guilting you into staying, saying you'd be to blame if she was ill (that's actually a form of emotional abuse, by the way) and saying if you left you'd be poor and not happy. You feel like you're to blame because if you hadn't said anything your mom would not have yelled at you or pulled your hair or said the nasty things she did. But guess what? Had you not said anything, you would have been giving up your dreams, your wants, and instead living in fear of that moment. We all have times where we're going to break unwanted news on someone or get on a touchy subject, but we can't let the fear of an argument and how they react stop us.

You're a grown up and it's your right as one and your right as a human being to be happy, even if that means moving from Switzerland all the way to Australia. Parents know from day one that eventually the leash has to come off and your mom's still trying to strangle you with it in hopes you'll quit struggling and be drug back into her house. Like I said, none of this is your fault, do not for a minute blame yourself for her reaction. You can't control how she reacts or what she says just like she can't control who you love or where you live the rest of your life. I know it hurts to disappoint or anger your parents, but sometimes you have to step on a few toes to get where you need to be.

**fiestydyste** · February 25, 2011, 07:18 PM

Originally posted by LadyMarchHare View Post

She tried guilting you into staying, saying you'd be to blame if she was ill (that's actually a form of emotional abuse, by the way) and saying if you left you'd be poor and not happy. You feel like you're to blame because if you hadn't said anything your mom would not have yelled at you or pulled your hair or said the nasty things she did. ......... Like I said, none of this is your fault, do not for a minute blame yourself for her reaction. You can't control how she reacts or what she says just like she can't control who you love or where you live the rest of your life. I know it hurts to disappoint or anger your parents, but sometimes you have to step on a few toes to get where you need to be.

This is so very true. Dear- hugs go out to you so big! The big things we want in our lives sometime disappoint those closest to us. In NO WAY is any of this your fault, and your mother is trying to guilt trip you into questioning your feelings for your SO and also as LadyMarchHare mentions-- it is a form of Emotional Abuse!!! So think about this... if you call it off and break up with your SO and never move---- do you think that you could be content and not blame your parents for your life where you'd be at if you never moved? And if you do move and things are GLORIOUS-- do you think you'd move back to just make your parents happy only because they think they know what you want? one of my favourite quotes is "We are always given a choice! Even Choosing not to Chose is a choice!" I say pack your bags... give your mom and dad a hug.. tell them you love them and that you'll let them know as soon as you can when you get there and that you've arrived safely. Tell them thank you for understanding and that your sorry that your choice to live your life has affected them negatively; but you need to start your own ADVENTURE and find out what you are capable of on your own!

Dear, I wish you all the luck and the best of everything! Make your life an ADVENTURE!

**KiwiLove** · February 27, 2011, 04:43 AM

Thank you for the kind words. I feel so bad at the moment.
I am fighting since thursday night and there is no sign that it will stop anytime soon.
I went to dance classes with a friend friday night and could sleep at her house from friday to saturday.
I went back home yesterday night at 10:30 pm and went to my room straight away.
It has been aweful this morning when I sat at the table and ate my breakfast. My parents sat next to me and no one talked until my mother started to say she talked to my godfather. She said he told her I am naive and if I wont have an amazing job I will have a crappy life there.

She said she cant stand it and needs to go to the doctor to get antidepressant and also my father said he wont stand this.

Guys, I am really at the end now I dont know if I should carry on with this "war" or if I should give up. Give up my dream and my love. Im just not strong enough to go on like this.

**Tanja** · February 27, 2011, 07:26 AM

I'm sorry this is all so hard for you. When exactly are you planning on moving to be with your boyfriend?

I think your parents are being unbelievably selfish about this. They are trying to make you stay because it makes THEM happy, they don't seem to care what YOU want.

Also there's always the chance of moving back home if things don't work out in another country, it's not like you move there and are stuck for life. If things for some reason won't work out you can always return home.

I say do not give up, they are not seeing things the way you are but maybe in time they will. You need to stay strong and don't get into arguments with them, if they say hurtful things IGNORE THEM. Tell them that you've made up your mind and you are going to do this with or without their support. Tell them that you love them both and you understand they're sad that you're leaving but they can't force you to stay just to make them happy and let go of your own dreams and the man you love.

You want to be with your SO, I say do it and leave your parents' comments in their own value. In time they might understand your decision and support you but right now they're probably just too shocked that you're defying them and won't do as they tell you. Give them (and yourself) some time to get past the worst, maybe stay at a friend's place until they've calmed down a little and keep repeating that you love them and don't want this to break up your family. They need to stop acting like selfish kids and support you when you're going after what you want and living your life.

I hope things work out for the best, stay strong!

**LadyMarchHare** · February 27, 2011, 08:39 AM

Kiwilove, are you an only child? It sounds like your parents are afraid of losing their 'baby' and if you have no siblings it makes sense they would cling more onto the one child they did have.

Tanja's right, they are acting incredibly selfish and downright childish, especially your mother. She's playing dirty by supposedly contacting other people in the family's life and rallying them to her cause. I can tell you right now no doctor's going to give that woman antidepressants just because her child's leaving her and because she says so. They'd tell her to get over it, it's a part of life. She can't shrink you back to being an infant and back to the days of being able to tell you no and the word having power. From your first post it sounded like your dad was on the fence, but I'm guessing your mom's rants got to him too.

All the same, life is too short and too precious to waste on a leash like that. It's hard enough raising the money, the time, and the courage to travel so far away for one person, you don't need this added soap opera. Your parents love you, otherwise they wouldn't be freaking out this badly, but they're really showing it in an ugly and unsupportive way. The best thing to do is continue on with your plans and let time be the cork that goes in your mother's mouth.

**KiwiLove** · February 27, 2011, 09:01 AM

@LadyMarchHare- Yes I am an only child and this morning my mother said if she would have two or three children then it wouldnt be that bad because the others would still be in the same country as she is. She also said it wouldnt be that worse if I would want to go to France, Spain or Germany but honestly I think she would act the same.
I stayed in my room all day..still sitting on my bed and crying. I am so at the end and cant wait to talk to my boyfriend tomorrow. But I guess I cant tell him everything. It would maybe scare him away.
I am sorry to keep say the same thing but I am so much at the end. Im sitting here,crying my eyes out and think what an aweful child I am. And I feel like I have already lost my Sweetheart...It hurts so f*cking bad!!!! :`(

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