How can I go through this without hurting anyone too bad?

[KiwiLove]

For everyone who is reading this I am sorry for keep posting to this thread but I honestly do not know what to do anymore!!!

When does this have an end? When I am finally a piece of sh*it which my parents have created??

Yesterday evening my dad came to me, almost crying. He said he couldnt stand it if I would leave and I would shellac him. He also said he has to quit his job because he can not account for his actiones anymore (hes a driver of a boss) because he can only sleep 2 hours per night.
He would have to get an easy job packing stuff in or something because hes really at the end if I would go.
Then my mother came and said SEVERINE!!!! If your dad has to quit his job because of YOU then your gonna be in big problems!!!

Now I have even more feelings of guilt. Because they say its all my fault if anything is going to not work out! Now, its even my fault if my father would have to quit his job.


Anyone tell me something good what I could do? There is so much guilt in me.
Should I leave them the letter tomorrow and go to my friend? I can not live at home anylong its just too much for me.

[Mara]

Yes, it's time to go. Please leave. I think you should leave them the letter and then go to your friends. They are blaming things on you that is not even your fault. Children everywhere move away from home. They are acting as what you are doing is the crime of the century and so abnormal. I know that you would never be able to get over it if you let them keep you from your SO. I really hope that they come around for your sake and perhaps they will in time.

[Far_Away_So_Close]

I agree with Mara. I think the best thing for you to do right now is go live somewhere esle until you leave. Stay with a best friend, or rent a room somewhere. Otherwise, you will let them guilty you into giving up on your dreams.

[fiestydyste]

Severine... your parents are causing you such grief! But no way is it your fault! IF your dad can't function at his job bc he's only getting 2 hours of sleep a night over this-- then he needs to seek professional help of a counselor or therapist! Your decisions to move are valid! And your mother stating that their will be big problems if he does loose his job-- well they will the THEIR problems-- it's not your problem and I hope you'll be in Australia by then!

You just have to make the decision that is best for YOU and YOU alone! Your dad and mom have valid reasons to be upset with your decision to move-- But they have NO RIGHT TO DISRESPECT YOU and MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SH*T because of your decisions... I'm sorry that they are so un-supportive. And I know that since your SO is so far away, he's not able to make you feel better or support you physically when you need it the most... I just don't want to see you give up just to make your parents happy.. it's not about them... and you know this...!!!!

But if your parents are making the home life very unbearable and stressful, I would say it's time to find a temporary place to stay until you move-- it will also give your parents some time to realize how badly their actions are causing you GRIEF! They really don't know how you feel when you hear them say the mean and nasty things-- like your dad has to quit his job, that your grandmother and mother will get sick-- dear, they will get sick as everyone gets sick- we can't control our immune systems-- and if your dad looses his job, will their hopefully is a new job around the corner-- They are bringing these issues up just to hurt you, to manipulate you and to belittle you into doing what they want...

I agree with everyone else.. move out and at least maybe this will give your parents an eye opener and maybe they will realize that they are bringing on their own nightmares and not you! *Big Hugs* You can do it... and be strong Girl... we're all here for ya!

[KiwiLove]

I have written a very long and detailed post about the letter I wrote to my parents last night.
Unfortunatelly the side didnt load it up.
I stayed awake until 12 oclock in the night to write the letter. It took me quite a long time because I didnt want to sound immature or rude and had to find the "perfect" words.
I wrote about their reaction and that I think it isnt fair to react this way. No one has the right to decide about others lifes and its eachs person job to be happy, no one elses.

I also wrote that I can understand that they are scared to loose me but that I am young and I can do this. That I would like to do that big favour of staying here for them but in reality it looks different. I want to go. And if I go it doesnt mean forever. I can come back anytime if I dont like it anylonger or if its different of what I have expected.

But if I stay here now, I will always think about it and I would get to the point of my life where the questin is poppig up "what if?". And then I would regret it.

That I never thought it would come to this, that it is all so bad even if I knew form beginning that they wont like the idea.
That I hope they can understand me a tiny little bit and that I am going to a friends to stay there and I hope they are not shouting at me anymore like in our last "conversattion" because it was very hurtful and I just tried to tell them my wish.

I am at work now. Its 07:43 am and since I left home (at 05:45) I got about 6 messages from my mother saying she is so so sad and that she is dissapointed. That it shows my SO character, he didnt send me anything at my birthday/xmass but he send something at beginning of january and she thinks its just because the SEX (sorry she wrote it all in capital letters) and that I will understand that THIS isnt the life.
Oh and that I shoulndt ask young and inexperienced people for advice (she meant my friends) and I should talk to my godfather (he told her I am innocent)

She just sent me a message telling me that she told my father and that he is crying now. That she doesnt know how it goes on with her and my dad.


NOw, I am totally pissed off but, at the same time, having so many feelings of guilt.
I really have the feeling its SO my fault if they are going to be crazy and getting sick.


*I am sorry I had to let my feelings out* *Sorry for the ranting*

[Far_Away_So_Close]

My mum used that "Are you sure he's not just in it for the sex?" on me as well. To which my - obvious- reply was "Don't you think he could have found someone in his own country for that?". It shut her up.
Of course your father is crying that his little girl moved out. All overprotective parents react like that! Believe me, if you were moving out to your own place within the country, he would react the same. It's not something you should feel guilty about. It's a reaction he's bound to have, and it will pass.
My mum has what was later on diagnosed as a chronic condition. It's been going on for a while, but it peaked while I was already away (which was when she finally got diagnosed). She immideately blamed my leaving for it when it started appearing. Guess what? It had NOTHING to do with me. She would have had it anyway. Unless you're a practicing physician, you can NOT hold yourself constantly responsible for your parents' health.

[fiestydyste]

BRAVO! good for you dear!

[Dziubka]

I'm so glad you finally moved out. Way to go! Now stay strong, plan your move and enjoy the Vorfreude ;-)

Even if he was a terrible boyfriend and using you for sex (duh, in an LDR - very likely!), it's your life and it's your right to make bad decisions.

My ex's parents were kinda like that, too. When he transferred to my uni (he was kicked out of his anyway), his dad even called and insulted me. And, just like your parents, they used the "Your mum/dad is crying/getting a heart attack/losing their job/whatevs - look what you've done!"-line It was totally crazy. I had a hard time believing it was real.

[Mara]

*hugs* I know how hard this is for you, but we all support you here, your friends support you, and your SO supports you. It won't be too much longer until you are with him and I know how happy that will make you. Stay strong and don't let them guilt you.

[KiwiLove]

I am so much at the end. Its a disaster going on at home. My mother is completely crazy.
Its HORROR!!!!
I went home last night and she told me the pain she is going through is like when someone has a dangerous illness!! Can you believe this, she is comparing this with an illness!!!?

I dont know how to go on. It completely got out of control.

Even my godfather said, oh it wont hold long the two of them will be seperated after about two months adn then shes there and doesnt know where to go.

[TknandLvnIt]

I think that you need to take a step away. Stop answering their calls get enough clothes to last you for a couple of weeks at your friends place. Explain the situation to them and how bad it is at home and stay strong. You are the only one that knows your relationship and the strength of your bond. You and he both could have found people closer to you but what you had was special and worth the distance and worth fighting for. Don't let your parents, or your godfather convince you otherwise. Stay strong and firm in what you said in the letter don't sway just because they keep coming up with more craziness. They are behaving foolishly and as ancient proverb says the best answer for a fool is silence. Not to say that your parents are fools but the point is you can't try and rationalize their irrational decisions...accept that you can't talk to them until they can behave like adults. They haven't lost you yet but they need to realize that they could if they keep you from the person you love.

[fiestydyste]

I think that you need to take a step away. Stop answering their calls get enough clothes to last you for a couple of weeks at your friends place. Explain the situation to them and how bad it is at home and stay strong. You are the only one that knows your relationship and the strength of your bond. You and he both could have found people closer to you but what you had was special and worth the distance and worth fighting for. Don't let your parents, or your godfather convince you otherwise. Stay strong and firm in what you said in the letter don't sway just because they keep coming up with more craziness. They are behaving foolishly and as ancient proverb says the best answer for a fool is silence. Not to say that your parents are fools but the point is you can't try and rationalize their irrational decisions...accept that you can't talk to them until they can behave like adults. They haven't lost you yet but they need to realize that they could if they keep you from the person you love.

I agree... Severine... only you can make the decision to stay or go... but what ever that choice is... make sure it's for all the right reasons... and truly, if you love your SO -- be honest with him!!!

Just had a thought-- but what would happen if you all went into some kind of mediation -- someone who is a neutral party and listens to both sides so that a compromise or agreement maybe given or an understanding between you and your parents??? I know it's a long shot-- but I think counseling might be the only thing that will help your mom at this point...

I hope it works out for you... *Big Hugs*... try not to loose faith!

[Ianthe]

Oh man...what a terrible situation. I'm so sorry you have to go through this!

Here's the thing - every single one of us, once we reach the age to be able to do so, is in charge of our own happiness. Your parents are trying to make you in charge of their happiness, and please understand, this isn't something you can do for them. Sure, you could give up your dreams of being with your guy to make them happy. But then what? This whole situation would have come about eventually, whether it's moving out of the country, or finding another man they don't happen to approve of, or having a child, or not having a child...etc.

They have every right to be concerned. After all, whether they're true stories or not, everybody seems to have a "friend of a friend" whose daughter ran off to be with their boyfriend in another country, only to vanish. HOWEVER, what they are doing to you is reprehensible, abusive behavior. You will not be able to fix this without outside help. You may not be able to fix it at all, but I hope that's not the case. I know that you love your parents and I imagine this is killing you inside. But you cannot be responsible for their happiness. And you are not at all responsible for their actions. Many, many other people on this board have said this as well.

We're all doing the little bit we can to support you. Please do what will make you happy. I'm rooting for you!

[KiwiLove]

Thank you, guys.
It got out of control again yesterday evening.
I just went home to take a shower, then wanted to leave for dinner at a friends house where I was invited to.
My parents told me I am not allowed to go there because I will talk about them and the other people will laugh about us.
So I didnt went, instead I went to my friends house and slept at her house.
Afterwards my mother did send me a sms saying Good night and that she and my dad are very sad about my bullishness and my acting.

They dont realise (or dont want to realise) that if they are like this I am going even further away from them. They said I am going to make a big mistake and I will spoil my future with this.
I could have such a wonderful life here if I would look for a guy in Switzerland, I could have a beautiful flat and earn good money.
She also said its completely stupid to wear blinders with 21 because I am so innocent to believe my SO would not look at other girls and he cheated for sure! No guy could wait for a girl one whole year.
She said she and my dad are not coming to the airport and she doesnt know if we can get along if I have free time in which I do not work before I go.
I also have to find a good place for my kitten. They said they do not want it anylonger. If I dont find a place for him my dad cut his head off, he said.

All this makes me just so sad.
I think there is only one way/option for me.
I have to leave.

[LadyMarchHare]

That's pure abuse. If they were my parents I'd have called the cops on my father for threatening animal abuse. I don't know about Switzerland, but in America animal abuse is taken seriously and they'll find ways to relocate the animal. Maybe you could research some local animal rescue groups, ones that don't kill the animals.

That aside, I am so angry at your parents for this. Nothing on God's green earth gives them the right to say these things to you or treat you like you're shit on their shoe. You're their DAUGHTER, their FLESH AND BLOOD. At this point you're pretty much better off informally disowning them and finding some other place to sleep and live at until you can move and then hold limited to no contact with them. They don't deserve to be your parents and if they can't swallow their own bullishness and at least pretend to support you no matter how stupid they think you're being, then it's their loss.