How to not overthink this relationship...and life

[FadedSunrise]

Which probably starts with not writing a thread about how not to overthink, because that's overthinking...STILL.

Is this the downside to being naturally smart? @_@ Often I find that my brain is so active that I can't quite sleep as many hours as I want, because at a certain point my mind will just turn on and GO.

But as it relates to this relationship: How the hell am I supposed to quiet down and just enjoy?? How?? I know the way I've been feeling...basically since the last time we were officially together is ALL BECAUSE OF ME. He hasn't changed. He's still how he was, the way he usually acts.

But somehow I'm doing things I should not be doing, like overanalyzing his words, his actions(such as if he responds to a text later than usual, even when I know in the back of my head he's supposed to be busier these days because of extra students). Half the time I'm afraid that I'm losing interest and will walk out again, the other half of the time I'm afraid I'm getting so annoying and showing my true annoying colors that HE'LL finally be sick of me and not want anything to do with me.

It's so freaking illogical but I can't help it at this point.

[Miramaid]

jeez I know the feeling. I do not ever feel like walking out tho but I sure a lot of time feel like he will. Especially lately because he has been busy and we kinda disconnected a little on an emotional level. I too do not sleep at night and overthinking. today he had a bad day and I did not just let him be, I started talking about us instead and about how I have been feeling disconnected, and even asked if there was smb else (which pissed him off big time)
I do not know what to do about it to be honest. I know that because of the stress I have been under I decided to get some medication. I have never taken any antidepressants but I really feel like I need to calm down and if my mood falls into place, my schoolwork will also improve and hopefully things he says or does that I do not like will not affect me that much

[LostInLove]

I'm definitely an overthinker as well. It can be very hard to deal with, but what works best for me is keeping busy. Of course I go to the extreme and get TOO busy and it becomes it's own problem, but when I have stuff to do I don't have time to sit around and analyze whatever's happening with The Boy at the moment. That ESPECIALLY helps with delayed responses to text messages, if you have something to do you don't notice as much how much time's passed.

The other thing my counsellor recommended is coping methods. When you start having thoughts like this, do something simple like meditation, deep breathing, anything that's a bit repetetive but not strenuous is best. Then, while you're doing this repeat to yourself an affirmation. I use things like "______ isn't calling because he's busy" or "I am worthy of being loved." It doesn't always work, but it definitely helps keep my in check.

[FadedSunrise]

Thanks!
I have definitely tried, and keep trying the get busier method. Except I keep feeling like I should balance that with the not to busy-because I need to keep 1-2 nights exactly from 7-9pm open since that's the only time we can web cam given time difference and schedule differences. Also too the problem of getting busier is that I've also run into getting too busy, and that becoming its own problem.

I'm thinking of trying the repeating affirmations thing. Or probably working out more. I was quite a lot more mellow when I was working out more regularly, but now with stress of life piling on I've been neglecting that, since its such a hassle to drive to a gym.

[Petersgirl]

I'm feelin ya! I'm the same - a brain that just won't stop thinking and analysing every tiny little thing, sometimes keeping me awake at night and recently affecting my relationship.
I don't know why recently I've started analysing everything more negatively. He hasn't changed but I've started viewing things as negative that I never used to worry about. Sometimes I'm worrying I don't love him enough, and sometimes I'm loving him lots but worrying he doesn't love me enough - which is kinda ridiculous.
It might just be that I'm missing him, and just finding being apart from him difficult. It helps me to remember things he's done for me or said to me that really show just how much he loves me. And it helps to remember our visits together and how perfect and in love we were together.
And I agree. I definitely think when I was more mellow and happier, (and busier), it was so much better, and so much easier to just ENJOY and stop thinking so much. I do think that's the key.

[mllebamako]

I agree with using meditation, deep breathing and affirmations to help get you through these over-thinking patterns. My brain is always on high gear too and I've been using meditation and yoga to calm it down and it's been pretty helpful

[Jrapp]

I thank you for starting this thread, as I do the same type of thing. I hope the responses have helped you like they have me! lol

[nic&matt]

Story of my life! That's all I do!!! Overthink, overthink, overthink, cry a little, overthink, be content in the moment, then overthinki. Rinse and repeat! Haha.
I think girl's with a certian personality have it. I'm just kinda pestimistic, it's just in my nature, so it's always me who thinks of how anything will just crash and burn.
I tried the busy method, and that just got me, personally into a train wreck. I need downtime, didn't have any, lost sleep, lost time talking to the boy, etc. It was just bad...
What I do to cope is workout honestly. If you're working out super hard (especially cardio) you can't think about stuff like that. It's really hard to get mad or sad when running or biking really hard. Then, if you do an amazing workout (I'm talking the sweat changing the color of you shirt). A nice shower unties the knots and stress and because I'm so exhauste the rest of the day, I have no choice but to completely crash and come bed time, sleep.

Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck. It's always a constant struggle, I understand. A lot of people do. Hang in there!

[Silviar]

Ah yes, the HYPERFOCUS mind. I've been there and done that. And it's hard, REALLY hard. Here's what I did to overcome it:

1) Spend some time becoming aware of my thought process - WHEN do these overthinking bouts occur? If it's usually when an negative thought occurs (you get into the negative thought pattern vibe), I stop, and givemyself a chance to turn it into something positive about the situation. Do it every single time, and you'll see results.

2) Part of why our brains like to hook on overthinking is usually it has to do with something juicy - something dramatic (like thoughts of breaking up, which is a personal dramatic event). So here's what I do: I give myself a set amount of time to dwell on it - usually only about 10-15 minutes. I sit and write the crap outta the issue in my journal - just write and write. After that time, I tell myself it's time to stop, and I move on to something else. That lets me release it out of my system.

3) Turn circular thoughts into an action plan - instead of mentally running in circles, I ask myself "How can I resolve this?" And then I do. If I feel like I'm doing all I can, then I remind myself: "Look, you're on the action plan, and you're doing it! Look how great it's working for you!" I remind myself of the steps I've already done to get there, and I give myself permission to let it go, and give myself permission to go have some fun. Sometimes it just takes mental "you're ok" and really realizing it to let go.

Included in that thought process are usually things like "how important is this really? Will this bother me in 6-12 months?" and asking myself "why am I projecting the worse that could happen?" along with "If this is the worst, can I get out of it? Yep!" And just remembering that even the worst means I can pull myself out of it reminds me that I'll be ok.

[amit2k11]

If you have something in your mind its great that you have raised it over here in the forum. Similarly, you feel this rational thinking of yours can cause problems later on, may be you need to speak it out with your SO or a friend whom you can trust.
Sometimes, it is great to have the feelings shared in TOTALITY, rather than letting it grow subconsciously and allowing it to hammer the relationship later on.

[BabyGund]

Reformed overthinker! Although I still do it from time to time - check my blog for Monday's meltdown...

But yeah the quickest way for me not to overthink is to keep busy. Going back to school to get a 2nd MBA helped tremendously. Also, I have just got to stop reading into things. Especially since most of our communication is via text, sometimes we can miss the context in which something is said. I have to remember to just take him at face value and not think there is any hidden agenda in anything he says.

[xopookie]

Reformed overthinker! Although I still do it from time to time - check my blog for Monday's meltdown...

But yeah the quickest way for me not to overthink is to keep busy. Going back to school to get a 2nd MBA helped tremendously. Also, I have just got to stop reading into things. Especially since most of our communication is via text, sometimes we can miss the context in which something is said. I have to remember to just take him at face value and not think there is any hidden agenda in anything he says.

Get em' with that 2nd MBA!!! I like that!! For the poster, is your relationship still new? When I was with my honey for a the first couple of years or months, I had the habit of overthinking. but as you progress into the relationship you start to get set into your ways and your habits. Personally, I'm very open and say how I feel even through texts so he won't have to overthink anything. Maybe you can ask your SO..to express your feelings.... ok nah guys aren't really that expressive over feelings..

[Diamir]

I completely understand you. I am the EXACT same way to the point where I worry that there is something wrong with me. When I am with my SO I am happy, carefree, stressfree and totally in the moment and when I'm not with him I turn into a mess. Everything worries me from delayed texts to not knowing if I will have time to skype one night or not knowing when I will get to see him next. It kills me. Every little thing becomes a worry and I overthink it and stress. I often have periods of this and then it goes away and I'm okay again. I honestly can't say I have a solution but I have a few things that tend to help me. Firstly, get it out. Let youself have a short period of time where you cry, write or let out your worries and then move on. Always makes me feel better. Secondly, have someone to talk to. As strange as it seems being a girl my dad is my best friend when it comes to my relationship. He dealt with MUCH harder long distance with my mom years ago and having someone who actually understands and can hug you and tell you it's ok is super helpful. Of course everyone on here is great too! And thirdly, force the thoughts out of your head. If you SO is doing long distance with you chances are they really really care about you. When I freak myself out or overthink things I remind myself that my SO has already taken over 6 months of my emotional craziness and is still with me. Therefore they are clearly staying with me for a reason and I shouldn't worry so much. As easy as it is to get caught up and overthink things it's very unlikely your SO will just all the sudden hate you. So when negative or worrysome thoughts come up just remind yourself that they are in this too and there is a reason for that! People don't go through the emotional ride of a long distance relationship if they truly don't want to be in that relationship. :-)

[FadedSunrise]

Yes, the relationship is still new. oints down at counter: He originally asked me to be his girlfriend late December, we were good for a month, then a week of fighting with my parents and immense overthinking drove me to break us up. I calmed down and realize that this is what I wanted, so we got back together just 2 weeks ago.

Thanks for all the comments! I think I'm definitely going to have to start working out more. When I worked out more...which is to say, 4-5 times a week for 1 hr instead of 2-3 times a week now, I was happier, mellower, and I had less time to dwell on things because I would have to schedule in workouts on top of everything else I was doing. This definitely has to come back.

What also helped was I really came out clean to him yesterday. Somehow he has a way of teasing things out of me, and I told him everything that was bothering me. He totally understood, and it felt good that I wasn't hiding things from him anymore.

[Leigh]

I'm glad it's not just me. I think it happens to all of us sometime or another. I usually get all worked up over "nothing".