I'm wondering if i'm the only one here who's experienced dificulties in their relatioship bc it's an LDR. The since the beginning of my relationship with Drew, I’ve questioned things including my love for him… from the moment I said “I love you.” But the moment b4 I said “I love you,” I was sure of it. There were times when he’d kiss me and I’d feel nothing =( And times where he’d kiss me and it felt like the world was spinning and all I wanted to do was get closer to him, be inside him, all over him and be with him.
When Drew went to basic training, I experienced a lot of this fear and questioning, but when I went to see him at his basic graduation all of that dissolved… until a day or two of being there and I got scared again and started closing up my feelings. I felt a little distant over xmas because I really didn’t want him to leave again… and some part of me felt that by resisting I could get him to stay longer… or not go at all. An LDR is HARD!!! >.< I’ve had to learn to just let things go, and just be okay with it.
There’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s totally out of my control, and even out of Drew’s. It’s taken a lot of effort to just say, “Okay. I’m not happy with it, but okay. It’s okay to still miss you and it’s okay to not like it, but there’s nothing I can do.” And so I have to let it go. But when I went up to see Drew last week, the 1st two days I felt like I was falling out of love with him and I had no idea why. I didn’t know what was going on, or what had changed. =( I was like well maybe we’ve grown apart… I think I was just afraid of being vulnerable. I almost just wanted to run away and get away. I was very scared and it seemed easier to be the one to run away when Drew was the one being so loving and honest with me, and so caring.
And then I told him, “I think I’m falling out of love with you.” It was the 2nd day of my break, 2nd day seeing him and this scared the hell out of him. We both noticed that I was being distant. And we talked about it for a lil bit and he started tearing up and I was like NO NO please don’t cry! =( I couldn’t STAND to see him hurt. I would stay w him forever just to not hurt him. I love him so much. But then I just let my guard down…. I thought of the night as just tonight. Just letting go and taking it for the moment. Stop thinking about the future. The weekend that was going to be short. And we kissed and made love in the hotel room… and at the end I was smiling and begging him to stay instead of go back to base lol =)
The rest of the week I really had no problems until the last night when I got scared again, and I had to just let go and not think about how it was our last night. The next day was terrible leaving at the airport, I couldn’t stop crying!!! >.< And when I got home… it’s been pretty good. I’ve had to reboot a little bit because it feels like everything’s hitting me harder than ever. Like getting used to sharing time with Drew, letting him go do his things. And it doesn’t help that he’s really busy now and just got a ton of things added onto him. =P Sooo last night I cried bc I hardly got to talk to him all day, nor did I really get to talk to him the night I left.
And he used to talk to me during class but now he’s learning a new part of Arabic sooooooo he can’t anymore, plus he wants to pay attention now lol. And I’m not going to bother him because he needs to pay attention. He’s doing this for both of us too, and so he can be with me. It’s just hard to see it like that right now. I txted him tonight and asked him if he thought my questioning things now was ligit because I have questioned things in the past or if it was just because the LDR scares me. And he said he thought that I was just really scared. And I agree with him.
Then he offered to let me go so I can explore and just take a break so we can both focus and he’d wait for me. I think that taking a break is like giving up. I’m still going to love him if we take a break. And I won’t be able to go without texting him anyway. And I’m still going to be DYING to come up and see him; esp for our 1 year.
But when I do txt him, or talk to him on the phone it’s like a pit in my stomach, a hit to the stomach as I’m reminded of how much I miss him. And I feel like im clinging to the fone, begging him to not let me go so that I can stay on a little bit longer. And it’s so hard to get off the phone. One or two weeks b4 I go see him, and about a week or two after I come back home I’m completely distracted and I can hardly focus on skool. I’m getting a lot better at it now, and it’s easier to focus now that I’m back than it was b4 I saw him because that’s all I could think about.
But I’m not sure how I’m going to balance seeing him, a job, school and extracurricular activities (such as Honors College and all those other whatnots that look good on my resume) without going bonkers or over working myself! =P Maybe I should go up to see him less… which will drive me even more crazy =/. But it felt so good to go up and see him and actually see what it’s like where he’s living. I’m so jealous. The city is SOOO beautiful!!! ^_^
Anyway… that’s basically all I’ve got to say. Do ya’ll have ne advice? Also, do any of you get scared bc uk that you can’t really have any other guys and u wonder if you’ll be missing out? How do u get rid of that? Should I just ignore it and say it’s a natural feeling, it’ll pass? Or should I agree to take a break and date a little. What do ya’ll think? All comments are appreciated. =)
Thank you,
Amanda
When Drew went to basic training, I experienced a lot of this fear and questioning, but when I went to see him at his basic graduation all of that dissolved… until a day or two of being there and I got scared again and started closing up my feelings. I felt a little distant over xmas because I really didn’t want him to leave again… and some part of me felt that by resisting I could get him to stay longer… or not go at all. An LDR is HARD!!! >.< I’ve had to learn to just let things go, and just be okay with it.
There’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s totally out of my control, and even out of Drew’s. It’s taken a lot of effort to just say, “Okay. I’m not happy with it, but okay. It’s okay to still miss you and it’s okay to not like it, but there’s nothing I can do.” And so I have to let it go. But when I went up to see Drew last week, the 1st two days I felt like I was falling out of love with him and I had no idea why. I didn’t know what was going on, or what had changed. =( I was like well maybe we’ve grown apart… I think I was just afraid of being vulnerable. I almost just wanted to run away and get away. I was very scared and it seemed easier to be the one to run away when Drew was the one being so loving and honest with me, and so caring.
And then I told him, “I think I’m falling out of love with you.” It was the 2nd day of my break, 2nd day seeing him and this scared the hell out of him. We both noticed that I was being distant. And we talked about it for a lil bit and he started tearing up and I was like NO NO please don’t cry! =( I couldn’t STAND to see him hurt. I would stay w him forever just to not hurt him. I love him so much. But then I just let my guard down…. I thought of the night as just tonight. Just letting go and taking it for the moment. Stop thinking about the future. The weekend that was going to be short. And we kissed and made love in the hotel room… and at the end I was smiling and begging him to stay instead of go back to base lol =)
The rest of the week I really had no problems until the last night when I got scared again, and I had to just let go and not think about how it was our last night. The next day was terrible leaving at the airport, I couldn’t stop crying!!! >.< And when I got home… it’s been pretty good. I’ve had to reboot a little bit because it feels like everything’s hitting me harder than ever. Like getting used to sharing time with Drew, letting him go do his things. And it doesn’t help that he’s really busy now and just got a ton of things added onto him. =P Sooo last night I cried bc I hardly got to talk to him all day, nor did I really get to talk to him the night I left.
And he used to talk to me during class but now he’s learning a new part of Arabic sooooooo he can’t anymore, plus he wants to pay attention now lol. And I’m not going to bother him because he needs to pay attention. He’s doing this for both of us too, and so he can be with me. It’s just hard to see it like that right now. I txted him tonight and asked him if he thought my questioning things now was ligit because I have questioned things in the past or if it was just because the LDR scares me. And he said he thought that I was just really scared. And I agree with him.
Then he offered to let me go so I can explore and just take a break so we can both focus and he’d wait for me. I think that taking a break is like giving up. I’m still going to love him if we take a break. And I won’t be able to go without texting him anyway. And I’m still going to be DYING to come up and see him; esp for our 1 year.
But when I do txt him, or talk to him on the phone it’s like a pit in my stomach, a hit to the stomach as I’m reminded of how much I miss him. And I feel like im clinging to the fone, begging him to not let me go so that I can stay on a little bit longer. And it’s so hard to get off the phone. One or two weeks b4 I go see him, and about a week or two after I come back home I’m completely distracted and I can hardly focus on skool. I’m getting a lot better at it now, and it’s easier to focus now that I’m back than it was b4 I saw him because that’s all I could think about.
But I’m not sure how I’m going to balance seeing him, a job, school and extracurricular activities (such as Honors College and all those other whatnots that look good on my resume) without going bonkers or over working myself! =P Maybe I should go up to see him less… which will drive me even more crazy =/. But it felt so good to go up and see him and actually see what it’s like where he’s living. I’m so jealous. The city is SOOO beautiful!!! ^_^
Anyway… that’s basically all I’ve got to say. Do ya’ll have ne advice? Also, do any of you get scared bc uk that you can’t really have any other guys and u wonder if you’ll be missing out? How do u get rid of that? Should I just ignore it and say it’s a natural feeling, it’ll pass? Or should I agree to take a break and date a little. What do ya’ll think? All comments are appreciated. =)
Thank you,
Amanda
Comment