Does an LDR scare you?

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

I'm wondering if i'm the only one here who's experienced dificulties in their relatioship bc it's an LDR. The since the beginning of my relationship with Drew, I’ve questioned things including my love for him… from the moment I said “I love you.” But the moment b4 I said “I love you,” I was sure of it. There were times when he’d kiss me and I’d feel nothing =( And times where he’d kiss me and it felt like the world was spinning and all I wanted to do was get closer to him, be inside him, all over him and be with him.

When Drew went to basic training, I experienced a lot of this fear and questioning, but when I went to see him at his basic graduation all of that dissolved… until a day or two of being there and I got scared again and started closing up my feelings. I felt a little distant over xmas because I really didn’t want him to leave again… and some part of me felt that by resisting I could get him to stay longer… or not go at all. An LDR is HARD!!! >.< I’ve had to learn to just let things go, and just be okay with it.

There’s nothing I can do about it, and it’s totally out of my control, and even out of Drew’s. It’s taken a lot of effort to just say, “Okay. I’m not happy with it, but okay. It’s okay to still miss you and it’s okay to not like it, but there’s nothing I can do.” And so I have to let it go. But when I went up to see Drew last week, the 1st two days I felt like I was falling out of love with him and I had no idea why. I didn’t know what was going on, or what had changed. =( I was like well maybe we’ve grown apart… I think I was just afraid of being vulnerable. I almost just wanted to run away and get away. I was very scared and it seemed easier to be the one to run away when Drew was the one being so loving and honest with me, and so caring.

And then I told him, “I think I’m falling out of love with you.” It was the 2nd day of my break, 2nd day seeing him and this scared the hell out of him. We both noticed that I was being distant. And we talked about it for a lil bit and he started tearing up and I was like NO NO please don’t cry! =( I couldn’t STAND to see him hurt. I would stay w him forever just to not hurt him. I love him so much. But then I just let my guard down…. I thought of the night as just tonight. Just letting go and taking it for the moment. Stop thinking about the future. The weekend that was going to be short. And we kissed and made love in the hotel room… and at the end I was smiling and begging him to stay instead of go back to base lol =)

The rest of the week I really had no problems until the last night when I got scared again, and I had to just let go and not think about how it was our last night. The next day was terrible leaving at the airport, I couldn’t stop crying!!! >.< And when I got home… it’s been pretty good. I’ve had to reboot a little bit because it feels like everything’s hitting me harder than ever. Like getting used to sharing time with Drew, letting him go do his things. And it doesn’t help that he’s really busy now and just got a ton of things added onto him. =P Sooo last night I cried bc I hardly got to talk to him all day, nor did I really get to talk to him the night I left.

And he used to talk to me during class but now he’s learning a new part of Arabic sooooooo he can’t anymore, plus he wants to pay attention now lol. And I’m not going to bother him because he needs to pay attention. He’s doing this for both of us too, and so he can be with me. It’s just hard to see it like that right now. I txted him tonight and asked him if he thought my questioning things now was ligit because I have questioned things in the past or if it was just because the LDR scares me. And he said he thought that I was just really scared. And I agree with him.

Then he offered to let me go so I can explore and just take a break so we can both focus and he’d wait for me. I think that taking a break is like giving up. I’m still going to love him if we take a break. And I won’t be able to go without texting him anyway. And I’m still going to be DYING to come up and see him; esp for our 1 year.

But when I do txt him, or talk to him on the phone it’s like a pit in my stomach, a hit to the stomach as I’m reminded of how much I miss him. And I feel like im clinging to the fone, begging him to not let me go so that I can stay on a little bit longer. And it’s so hard to get off the phone. One or two weeks b4 I go see him, and about a week or two after I come back home I’m completely distracted and I can hardly focus on skool. I’m getting a lot better at it now, and it’s easier to focus now that I’m back than it was b4 I saw him because that’s all I could think about.

But I’m not sure how I’m going to balance seeing him, a job, school and extracurricular activities (such as Honors College and all those other whatnots that look good on my resume) without going bonkers or over working myself! =P Maybe I should go up to see him less… which will drive me even more crazy =/. But it felt so good to go up and see him and actually see what it’s like where he’s living. I’m so jealous. The city is SOOO beautiful!!! ^_^

Anyway… that’s basically all I’ve got to say. Do ya’ll have ne advice? Also, do any of you get scared bc uk that you can’t really have any other guys and u wonder if you’ll be missing out? How do u get rid of that? Should I just ignore it and say it’s a natural feeling, it’ll pass? Or should I agree to take a break and date a little. What do ya’ll think? All comments are appreciated. =)


Thank you,
Amanda

[Hollybear1212]

If you still love this guy deeply, I don't think a break is the answer. Too many people give up on there relationships (LDR or not). You need to fight for your love and stay strong!

[Mio]

Yeah, breaks for me are like giving up. You also have to start working with your fears, it's a major relationship wrecker.

[Zephii]

The fact you think you might be missing out on something, to me, is a worry. It means that your needs are not being met, but I understand LDR is much much harder for military couples. I never worried about missing out on dating other guys because all I wanted was Obi - and he did what he could to keep it that way, but I understand the thought process. I know that before we met/became official Obi had the same kind of worry, that if he committed to me -some chick he'd never met on the other side of the ocean- he might miss out on a less complicated relationship and a lot of sexual experiences and fun. He felt he had to get all that out of the way before we were committed, and I hope these days that the time he had was enough and that he has no regrets.

I don't agree with breaks though. I think that for you to take the option he's giving you would be a bit of a slap in the face to him, on one hand, but on the other if it makes you realise that he is either what you want and you're not missing out or not right for you and you're wasting each other's time, then perhaps it is worth it. Different solutions suit different people.

I don't know how you can stop being afraid, but I think you might want to look into other methods of relaxation and coping skills. I think that all you're trying to do is protect yourself from getting hurt, but ending up hurting yourself more

Peace & Carrots xx

[asianbarbie0917]

Ha i think everyone here has already voted anti-breaks and i agree. Being in a military LDR myself, i know that it sucks to not hear from them for a while, and whenever I get those "doubts" i know that it's my mind's self-defense mechanism to prevent me from going insane because of how much I miss him. I just think about how excited I'll be to see him and to imagine the look on his face when he sees me just melts my heart! I just remind myself of how I feel whenever we are together, and that is what keeps me going through it all. Luckily you're busy with extra activities (I'm trying to take on more) and you'd be surprised how quickly it'll all go by. Just remember that we all get upset about our situation at some point, but if u know in heart exactly who you want to be with

[agentholli]

I just want to put in my two cents here.
My relationship I am in now, is my second LDR. My first LDR was so much different then this one. My first LDR I always was sad about the distance, i mean always sad about it. It started running my life. I was depressed and I ddin't want to do anything. I really mean I didn't want to do anything. And I always looked around for other guys. In fact, he told me not to wait around for him and if i met a guy to go for it. I wanted to take breaks all the time, I didn't believe that it was worth waiting for. I always felt like he was just stringing me along, telling me what I wanted to hear and not what he really meant. So I finally had enough of the tearing me apart that I broke up with him for good. I had broken up with him, one time before.

That being said...my SO now is wonderful..and although its also an LDR (which really scared me at first) its completely different. I am sad at times, I think that is normal..but it doesn't consume my life. I know now, that this relationship is worth fighting for. I see other guys around but I do not have any interest in them, and I don't think about "what I could be missing out on". When you said that, I just remembered feeling that way with my first LDR and I wanted to share with you.

Maybe you need to search real deep and realize what your feelings are. If you feel like the relationship is worth fighting for, then focus on what is good about it, and not focus on the bad. Attitude is really everything with an LDR. If someone keeps thinking about all the bad and the distance and things, then that is going to become the important stuff and you will always be sad.
I don't mean to be preachy or anything like that, just letting you know my two cents.

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

Thanks ya'll. It's so hard to no worry about everything! =( My Boyfriend is SOOO amazing. It makes me want to cry when i think about it, about how my mind has been spinniing in circles since i got home! =( The more i talk about it (at least with him) the worse it gets, which i think is because i am thinking about it too much. I told him i needed a few days to clear my head. I've got so much work to do, and i'm letting my fears and worries consume me! And i don't want to do anything but just lay here. It just feels like one minute i'm okay, and then the next minute im spirling out of control and crying again! Does anyone else get this feeling or know what to do about it? The negative thoughts have grown so much they consume me =(

[Rach321]

I'm feeling the same way. I love my boyfriend more than I could ever imagine loving anyone, and I want to spend my life with him. But there is a lot of uncertainty in our relationship right now in terms of when I'll see him again and when we'll be able to end the distance. Sometimes, I start to wonder if I can survive it. I let myself cry, but then I remind myself of how much we love each other and I have faith that things will work out as they should.

Try to find something to distract yourself/calm yourself down when you start to lose control. For me, I take a bath or watch one of my favorite tv shows. It seems to take my mind off of it long enough for me to breath normally again.

I have a HUGE project due tomorrow, and I've been letting all of my worrying keep me from making progress. I'm a terrible procrastinator, so part of me thinks that I'm focusing so much on my relationship because I am avoiding my work... Now, I don't really have a choice. I HAVE to work.

Keep reminding yourself of the positives, and things will get better, I'm sure. I'm not really sure what to say to your concerns about what if you're missing out on other guys. This could be a normal reaction to your fears about your relationship, but it could be a part of yourself telling you that you're not quite ready to settle down. Pay attention to those thoughts to see what they are really telling you.

Hugs!

[xGabbriela]

I am going to repeat what everyone is saying just to make sure it gets through lol. A break is not a good idea; I mean it could show you how you really care for him, but it could show him that maybe you'll have these doubt again or want another break. It might make him doubt the relationship. *I say that from personal expirience.
I am also in a military LDR and I know those doubts. It's because you dont always get that reassurance, you dont always feel like you are in a relationship. But if when you do get to talk and see him the feelings come back, If he makes you happy, then you just gotta try to keep thaat in mind and reassure yourself that you have a wonderful man who loves you, even though he cant tell you all the time.

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

lol Thanks you guys, and yes the no break got through. Lol i decided against that b4 anyone said it haha. Anyway... this has been a really tough week and i've figured out a lot of things. When Drew 1st left for Cali after xmas i cried and i let my emotions get to me. I was angry at him, i didn't want him to leave, and i was having to share him with friends for just about the first time in our relationship. I questioned how i felt and the thought of ending it ran thru my head and i debated why. I was so angry and having that thought only made me worry. My thought was "Don't even call me back, it's over." This was because i was angry at him for spending time w friends, and staying out late, and then saying he'd call me when he got back, but instead txting me saying he was going to bed and didn't want to wake me up. Thruth is, i was really insecure. I felt like his friends would become more important and more interesting than me. I was angry bc i thought that my being upset with him would only make things worse and he wouldnt want to talk to me any more. I settled these fears the moment he called me... and i melted at the sound of his voice. And it took about two weeks for me to control myself and learn to share him and his time, and not be selfish thinking "how does this affect me?" When that doesn't matter as much. It's a 2-way realationship, not me-way. The point of me telling you this is that in the middle of the week i was in cali with drew i realized that that week had been a repeat of the 1st 2 weeks he was gone. I also realized recently that I tend to dissassociate myself. When i'm with drew, i want to be wiht him forever, i never want to go home. It's easier to feel like i don't have any feelings for him than to have feelings while i'm there and feel like he's being ripped from me again. So unknowingly, when i saw drew my mind and body had closed itself off from drew. The reason for mind/body dissassociation is if somethings a threat... the threat here was feeling something for drew when i knew i only had such a short period of time and i'd have to go home. But when i'm away from him and on the fone, it's not as threatening because I know that i won't have to say goodbye for as long... he'll probably call me tomorrow. Which would explain why when i see drew i would feel like i was falling out of love with him, but when i'm home that isn't the case. Last week was just a reslut of letting my fears control me and letting them grow bigger and bigger. last night i had so much fun with drew! =D We talked for almost nine hours and the 1st two was like... sooo what do we tlk about now? Because we hadnt had the oppertunity to talk as long as we wanted in a while we didn't know what to do... then things got a little more chill as the night went on and we tried to watch a movie together =) I had such a good time and i realized it was because i was relaxing and not letting things bother me. It'd been a while since drew and i'd had some light hearted fun! =D And i told him, i'm having a lot of fun tonight! And he was like really? =) Anyway, last night was amazing and it got a lot of things done for us. =) Thanks for ya'lls support =)

Amanda

[KeeperoftheAirmansHeart]

Oh! and another thing that's helped is writing letters! =D as a gift for him i'm writing a journal type thing for him, it's a notebook with stories about how we feel in love with eachother and times we've shared together, and other random things like playlists and song lyrics, and letters. =) So lately i've been writing letters or journal enteries, and i'm writing what im thining about, what i'm worring about, and i decided to just write down memories of us together, my happiest memories =) And remindig me why i love him =) And it put me in a wonderful mood =D Soo that may be a good coping method for you guys. Keep thinking positive!

[polkapiggy]

Although i've never met my SO in person, I crave that physical contact ALL THE TIME and its SOO hard for me to go without it! For me, one of the main parts of a relationship is being able to hold eachother and be together, but obviously you can't have that in an LDR and its really, really hard for me. I've never told alex how hard for me it is, because no good will come of it and he will just get upset. The worst part about it is i'm constantly attracting male attention and sometimes, when I'm missing him so much that its easier just to forget about him, its all too easy to accept guys offers, but I never have because I'll think of him and realise how much I love him and that I could never do that to him. It's just. so. hard!

[xGabbriela]

I'm glad it all worked out for you =)