career over family or family over career?

[Far_Away_So_Close]

Ok Let me ask you all this. Say you are 30 and somehow your career still has not reached a point when you are making decent money, or you really still do not have a career. Then what? And you realize that as of right now you can not afford the living you would like your family to have, but at the same time you realize that by the time you may be able to afford to buy a house, to pay off loans etc. you will be almost 40. Then what? Not have a family at all? Or start thinking about it when you are 40? But isn't it a bit too late for having babies?
What would you do in this scenario? Still not have a family or go ahead and have a family but have a very simple life?

I could ask you the same thing the other way around. Say you're 40, had a long marriage during which you concentrated on giving it all to your family, not working at all, or doing just the bare minimum to support paying the bills while getting no enjoynment out of it. And then your husband ups and leaves you. And now you're stuck with the kids, all alone, and have no work experience that will allow you to get a real job - especially at your age. What do you do then?

[Far_Away_So_Close]

That is quite unusual i must admit.

Because I'm a woman?

[Moon]

See, there is no easy answer for this. I neither agree, or disagree, the terms you're looking at are too black and white, it's not an all or nothing scenario, you don't have to either forgo a career, or be at the pinnacle of one, to make the decision to have kids. You most definitely should be financially stable, absolutely. As someone who has raised a child, you have no idea just how expensive it is, or how difficult those first few years can be. Not having sufficient income to do it on makes for a very stressful, miserable existence. Love doesn't pay the doctor's bills, you know? That's not to say you need to wait until you're the CEO of a Fortune 500, but you should at least have your finances in order. Kids don't need you to give them "EVERYTHING", they need love, decent food to eat and a place to live. They also need proper medical care, school supplies, clothes, and parents who aren't so stressed out and fighting that they can't give them attention they need.

If you really believe in what you're saying, why are you even bothering to start your PhD, if the timeline doesn't fit your idea of when this should happen? Stop looking at your young age as a defining factor, and look at how you'd like your family to be raised. You only need to get to a point where you can do that, not to where you can give them "EVERYTHING". There's no yes or no answers here, its up to every individual as to where they're comfortable.

[Moon]

I could ask you the same thing the other way around. Say you're 40, had a long marriage during which you concentrated on giving it all to your family, not working at all, or doing just the bare minimum to support paying the bills while getting no enjoynment out of it. And then your husband ups and leaves you. And now you're stuck with the kids, all alone, and have no work experience that will allow you to get a real job - especially at your age. What do you do then?

This happens much, much more often than people realize I'm 40, and have seen this happen to some of my friends. Its heartbreaking.

[Miramaid]

@ Far_Away_So_Close. Yes because you are a woman and because not many women think in those terms you described in your first comment (and No i did not mean my comment to be offensive in any way. Just stated that that was unusual). What I would do in a situation you described I do not know. I already have Master's degree completed, I have a great family who will always help me babysit and give moral support and I know it (they can't help with $, but otherwise they would). I would push my life without a crappy husband who left me in a difficult situation and I would live.

@ Moon. I am doing PhD for many reasons. I am not an American and with the kind of degree I have I need a PhD or I will get no where in case I wave to live in my country. So it is more of a necessity than a huge desire. And besides I do not think PhD is a factor that should prevent me from starting a family. No no and no. I would have a child now if I could. Tho I am doing a phd. I am ready for a child even though I know it would not be easy financially, but honestly I really do not believe at any point in life it is easy financially. My SO is not ready that is the reason why I still am not prego.

I am asking you all what you would do if you are in that situation, if you are close to your 30s and your career is not yet established and it will take time to get it on track (a few years at least). Would you still think about starting a family or would you not? Would you be afraid taht it would have been too late to have a child when your financial situation is better ?

[Silviar]

Respectfully, tissa, I disagree with your assertions that a woman choosing a career and not wanting a family is unusual. It may be unusual to you because the women you know in your life choose stay at home mom over career, but it is not a large majority of one over the other. Nor, for that matter, do so many women choose to ONLY do one or the other.

How difficult it is to balance a career and family, and how much people to choose to have either (everything from no children to having kids and a career to having kids but no career), is something every woman has to decide based no their own personal decision.

Having kids is never easy, and if you're waiting based on money, you'll never be ready. There's always something else going on with money. I think what you're really wondering is how to handle juggling money priorities with career, children and things like buying a house. Many people don't buy houses until their 30's and 40's. I think sometimes people have this impression that we should always graduate college, have a house and 2.5 children by the time we're 28, and that's just not the case.

Not everything has to happen at once. Slow down, enjoy life. You'll get to each of them in their time. You don't need to have a house to have children. Nor do you need children in order to have a house. In fact, there are many, many benefits to renting, the same as there's benefits to owning a house.

Medically speaking, it's only once a woman gets past 30 that if she's never borne a child that pregnancy risks start to increase. Usually it's having children after 35 that's where a woman really has to get concerned, but it doesn't mean that a baby can't be safely and healthily carried to term.

How and what order any of these should be done really depends on which ones you want to do first, and which ones end up being more feasible given your personal situation. And your situation can change. Life happens. I wouldn't worry too much about making sure you have The Right Order down pat and in stone - I'd focus on identifying what are your priorities currently, and give yourself a yearly check in to see if those are still the priority order or not for you.

[LostInLove]

I'm definitely family over career. I've known since I was quite young that I want kids, I want to be a mother more than anything in the world. However, I'm realistic and know that having a career so I can support a child on my own if I need to. So family first, but career is not too far behind.

I think my SO is family over career, but he doesn't know how to reach that balance yet. He's in the same position where he's so excited about his job right now, plus he's a hard worker who doesn't like to go home until he feels he's done enough for the day. I know one day he didn't get home until 10pm.....he knows he has to stop working late, he just hasn't figured out how to get things done quicker yet.

[Miramaid]

@ Silviar. I am not concerned about me. I know I want a child and as I said above, I would have one now.

[Far_Away_So_Close]

@ Far_Away_So_Close. Yes because you are a woman and because not many women think in those terms you described in your first comment (and No i did not mean my comment to be offensive in any way. Just stated that that was unusual). What I would do in a situation you described I do not know. I already have Master's degree completed, I have a great family who will always help me babysit and give moral support and I know it (they can't help with $, but otherwise they would). I would push my life without a crappy husband who left me in a difficult situation and I would live.

I am asking you all what you would do if you are in that situation, if you are close to your 30s and your career is not yet established and it will take time to get it on track (a few years at least). Would you still think about starting a family or would you not? Would you be afraid taht it would have been too late to have a child when your financial situation is better ?

First of all, that is one schauvinistic way of thinking. I know plently of women who would agree with me.
And second - I don't measure my career by money (my chosen profession is not one you get rich doing...). I measure it by the amount of success I have in my field, the amount of credit I get for it, the satisfaction and fulfillment I derive from it. And frankly, I never wanted to by a house. I would be more than happy leasing an apartment I like. And yes, if I find that my career has not reached the point I wanted it to by the time I'm 30, kids will have to wait. I am far less intimidated by the option of being too late for having kids than by that of being too late for my career.

Also, keep in mind that said crappy husband is the same one you've been married to for a significant amout of years at that point. Of course you will survive, and live. The question is - at what cost?

[Far_Away_So_Close]

This happens much, much more often than people realize I'm 40, and have seen this happen to some of my friends. Its heartbreaking.

My SO's mom had it happen to her. It made him the man I love and appreciate, though.

[Miramaid]

First of all, that is one schauvinistic way of thinking.

Excuse me but this is MY way of thinking without being offensive to others in any way. If I say it is unusual- It is unusual TO ME. I personally have not met many women who are VERY career oriented. I do not intend to say they do not exist. This post is about DIFFERENT opinions on the matter because I am curious to know what DIFFERENT people think about it (and of course everyone's opinion will be different).
Your point on the matter is clear. So are the points of others who shared what they think. I am interested still in the opinions of others if anyone else wants to share.

[Far_Away_So_Close]

Excuse me but this is MY way of thinking without being offensive to others in any way. If I say it is unusual- It is unusual TO ME. I personally have not met many women who are VERY career oriented. I do not intend to say they do not exist. This post is about DIFFERENT opinions on the matter because I am curious to know what DIFFERENT people think about it (and of course everyone's opinion will be different).
Your point on the matter is clear. So are the points of others who shared what they think. I am interested still in the opinions of others if anyone else wants to share.

Oh. My G-d. Chill.
The point about DIFFERENT opinions is that some people may find YOURS to be schauvinistic. They're still yours. They just are what they are. And I'm wouldn't think I'm keeping anyone from sharing their thoughts.

[Michelle]

Oh. My G-d. Chill.
The point about DIFFERENT opinions is that some people may find YOURS to be schauvinistic. They're still yours. They just are what they are. And I'm wouldn't think I'm keeping anyone from sharing their thoughts.

There is no need to judge other people's opinion's here. Just share yours and move on and let others share without being judgmental.

[BabyGund]

Honestly Tissa's opinion is not chauvinistic at all. In US social norms, it is still very prevalent that women are to have children and lose a part of their career track once they do. A woman who decides NOT to have children is still regarded as unusual and out of the norm here.

What some of us are trying to get across, Tissa, is that it's not an all or none proposition, if you don't want it to be. There are plenty of female executives who have set the world on fire and raised children. And there are just as many who step of the career path, either for good or a short while and enjoy staying at home with their children. But if you and your SO don't even have jobs to support yourselves, much less a child, it will be much more difficult. I can tell you, you will never be financially ready. My ex-H and I were not financially where we wanted to be, but we were both employed and knew we could change some things around. I also had to make some changes career wise and I'm making more changes now.

Honestly, I'm going to repeat my quote from my blog yesterday: Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. Never demand. Just let it be, if it's meant to be, it will happen.

[Gelfling]

Well, the way things stand with my SO and me, we're probably not going to be ready for kids until I'm 36 or so. I'm working on improving my diet and taking a multivitamin so that I'll stay as healthy and fertile as possible, and then we'll see how it goes. We are both willing to adopt if things don't work out. In the meantime, I really don't want a child that will have to timeshare between her Canadian daddy and her American mommy, and I also don't want a child whose basic needs like food, shelter, clothing, and health care are beyond our ability to provide. I also want any child of mine to be able to see their mother fulfilling her passions, and grow up knowing that they can do the same thing.