career over family or family over career?

[Rane]

Well wow, I was trying to read through the whole thing, but then it seemed to be looping back and forth a bit. >.< All I have to say is, everyone in this entire world is different. The era where the only option is women cook at home and take care of the kids, and the man brings home the bacon is over. There are a plethora of different living situations and scenarios which can exist, and should exist, because we live in a world where people are encouraged to live their life how they choose it. To echo Michelle, someone who has a different opinion to yours doesn't make it a wrong one.

For myself, I had the choice of having an easy track towards a career. Living at home with the parents with no rent, part time job to pay for tuition costs, and tada, hello career. However, I made a choice instead, to put family first, and uprooted myself because I met the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. However in a couple years after some time has passed, and I've become more settled, I intend to get a career of some kind. I have strong aptitudes in math and sciences, and could choose a career to be able to comfortably take care of my family. As others have said, there's no reason you have to choose one or the other, and can't have both of them.

But I think everyone in this thread does seriously need to take a step back, and look at everything objectively, and not take others' opinions as a personal attack on their life choices. Because in this world, everything and anything is fair game. I mean look at all of us. How many people would tell you that long distance relationships never work out. :P

[Zephii]

Ignoreing the random drama here, I wanted to add that there's a time frame that's important to me too. Like, if I figured out that it might take 7 years before my partner would be ready to have a family, I'd be gone. That's not acceptable for me personally to wait that long to have children. Obi did want to wait that long - he wanted to start having kids at 30. I said no. To me, it makes more sence to have children young when I have the energy to be a fun parent (not dissing older parents AT ALL here, this is just me personally) and then study and get a carrer some time later. There's no reason I can't work part time while the kids are in school, no reason I can't save up slowly so I have the money to go and get an education if that's necessary for what I wanted to do. If he leaves me or dies? I can work a shit job and pull my family through. It's not something I haven't thought about. But the carrer could still happen at some point. People seem to have this idea that your life ends at 30, that "old dogs can't learn new tricks" and it's absolute bull.

For example, My mum wanted to be a nurse, but gave that up for marriage - that marriage failed when she had a near fatal car accident. It took her a long time to be able to work again, and she'd missed the opportunity to study for free (she was from a very poor home). Then she met and married my dad, poped out two kids. He kicked the bucket, and left her to raise us alone. Fast forward to when I'm 15. When I left home mum finally got her nurses training and within three years was working a job she loved. She was 45 when I left home. *Shrug* Sometimes the only reason people can't do something is because they think they can't.

There's also a difference between having a job and a career. Not all people who are pro-carrer do it because of the money. Some people genuinely love what they do, it's their passion, and sometimes those carrers don't earn very much at all, especially at the outset. For some people, personal success and job satisfaction outweighs maternal/paternal instinct.

[Mara]

I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts, but I'm going to give this a shot.

As far as career over family goes, of course, I agree with everyone else and don't think it has to be one over the other. I look forward to starting a family, but I also love the field that I am in. Don't get me wrong, I would never put a job before my loved ones and I don't think anyone here would, but just because someday I am going to be a mother doesn't mean I can't also have a job and one that I love at that. Having a job or a career is really essential to having a family too I might add. If you or your partner don't have a job how would you care for a child? I would like to be a stay at home mom when my children are small, but I would never be a stay at home mom full time. I need more than to just be someone's mother and someone's wife. I also want to set an example for my children of what hard work is and what it brings.

As for your partner wanting to wait so long to have children, everyone has different time frames in mind for when they would like to have children. Would you leave your partner just because he doesn't want to have children when you do? Personally, I wouldn't leave a man I love just because I felt like I wanted to have children sooner than he wanted to, but that's just my way of looking at things. Not to be negative, but you never even know if you'll have children. My cousin has been trying to have a baby for the past decade and hasn't had one and there's nothing medically wrong [at least nothing they have found in all this time] with her or her husband. Some things just aren't in the cards or they don't happen when you think they are going to or when you want them to.

Everyone, I think, has some sort of prerequisite for having children. Maybe his prerequisites and yours aren't the same, but there's no reason you couldn't reconcile the two and just because he thinks it'll be seven years doesn't mean it will be. Personally, I try to just take having children as a year by year thing. I'm not ready this year, doubt I will be the next, maybe the year after that, but it's really too far away for me to say. Who knows, I could wake up next year and magically be ready. When and if you are ready though, that's a talk you need to have with your partner.