So frustrated! :(

[Stina83]

Hey guys! Alright, so just wanted to give you all an update. My SO and I talked that night, and basically what happened was that I had told him to think about what it is that he wants and that I wasn't sure I could do this whole thing, if it's going to take several more years of barely seeing each other. He cried and said that he wants to be with me and pretty much begged me to stay with him. So that all was really really sweet and of course made me melt, lol. I am a woman, what can I say So yeah, I decided I'm going to give this another chance and that it's too good throw away because of this. I'll try to be more patient with him. I'm not going to compromise myself and my own wishes in this though, and he knows that and said that he'll show me that he wants this and that he doesn't know why all of a sudden he panicked.
So yeah, that's what happened. I'm still not happy with the situation, but I'm going to try and calm down a little and give it more time and try to let it go despite the fact that it isn't forgotten yet.
Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it! And I hope in the end it turns out that I've made the right choice here.

[xopookie]

I see, I'm glad everything worked out! Sometimes you gotta shake things up a bit to really give someone a wake up call! I totally understand you! There were times when I wanted to break up but if your love is good and strong you can overcome anything!

[OliveOyl]

i am working on plans to move to mexico... and its scares the *bleep* out of me! I won't lie, sometimes makes me sick to my stomach because its such a huge risk/leap of faith type of thing and its just plain scary.... I definitely see where your SO panicked! Im glad you guys are working in out as a team goood luck!

[Mara]

I think you made the right choice, the man obviously loves you, and you obviously love him. I've always felt when two people love each other they should exhaust all options before giving up. It does sound like he was just scared/panicking as well. I think you should give yourself some time to calm down so you won't be thinking so much from emotions and then just try having a talk with him about when really the two of you will be able to close the distance. I'm glad to hear though things are looking up!

[Dziubka]

I think it's great you're trying to make it work anyway.
I really hope you can find a solution you both are happy with. Give him as much time as you can, but don't forget about yourself.

Maybe if he has more time to prepare himself, he'll get used to the idea of moving abroad and it will stop being a scary monster in his head.

[Stina83]

Thank you all for your sweet comments Yeah I think I've made the right choice too, even though I'm still frustrated about it. Thing is, that if we're not going to close the distance this summer, then we might have to wait another year or year and a half before it's even possible, for financial reasons, as my financial aid for school will run out in January and I probably won't be able to find a job right after I'm done school. Anyway, the money situation is a long story, but yeah, basically these are our options. I'm now having trouble planning out my life in regards to school, when to move to Sweden, work and all that.. so basically it still bothers me a lot that I had a plan and then all of a sudden I have no plan, and I can't get a straight answer from my SO of when he wants me to move to Sweden and then plan around that. So there's the whole thing of having some sort of time frame, that I feel that I need psychologically, but on top of that there are so many practical things that I have to plan in advance.
Don't know if this made any sense, but basically I just don't know where to go from here, because I feel like I shouldn't bring this up to him again and make him feel pushed again. But at the same time, I do need some answers of what to do, so that I can plan around it :/

[Dziubka]

I don't know if this is going to help you, seeing as obviously our situations are totally different.
But I totally understand how you feel.
I had the exact same problem. We had originally planned to close the distance after this summer, because I was supposed to finish uni by then.
For a number of reasons this fell through and I needed to make new plans for me but also for us (as in my boyfriend and me).
I asked him what his plans are, if he can see himself moving to Germany, how he wants to close the distance, etc and for a very long time, all I ever got was "I don't know.", "Those are very big questions. I can't decide about that right now.", "I have exams next week. I'll think about this some time else." etc.
Yes, I know that this are plans for next year and that it's still some time until then, but we need to make the decisions in time so we can plan everything. Also I can't decide what I want to do, if I don't know what he wants or at least what he'd like best.
Like you I didn't want to pressure him into anything, but I needed answers to have a point from where I can start planning.
I have a blog I keep for him, where I usually post pictures, cute stuff, love letters for him etc. So one day I made a post about that on there, posting my exact question
"How do you imagine that?" (I had posted about possible jobs for me)
"What are your plans?"
"Do you have any concrete dreams?"
"Where would you prefer to live?"
hoping he'd react somehow. I got a "don't be angry, but I'm really tired now, I'll answer your questions another time". ....great.
Anyway, about a week later when we were talking on skype on a Sunday morning (=more time), I brought it up again. I told him I needed answers, that I needed him to make decisions, too and that I needed to know what he really wants.
He didn't answer straight away and I was already going to be angry/disappointed again, when he wrote me an email after we had finished talking.
And while I didn't get answers to all my questions, I got at least enough for me to be able make plans for my education.

Sorry for this being so long...
Why don't you go to Sweden anyway? Even if he doesn't join you right away, you can already move there, get accustomed to the place?

[Mara]

I think you should give yourself a bit of time just to get your emotions and thoughts in order because right now I think you still have that rug pulled from under you feeling. My SO and I were supposed to close the distance originally this May and around the time I joined this site he told me that, that wasn't going to be an option. We are now closing the distance this December, seven months longer than originally anticipated. It doesn't sound like so much longer, but sometimes it feels like a lifetime of difference.

So I think you need some time to calm down, organize your thoughts, and then, the two of you are going to have to have a discussion about this. I understand you don't want to push him and I also understand not wanting to bring up something that is going to be upsetting to both of you, but you have to talk about this with him and you need answers so you can figure out what to do next.

I would try just asking him simple questions that are really just yes and no. If he needs time to think about things, give him that, but I would also put some type of time frame on it too. This isn't an indefinite situation as I understand you have to make plans on what to do next.

[Silviar]

If I may butt in with a bit of advice, Stina...

I am glad you guys got it sorted, but as you mentioned the second round of frustrations... I know that, oh so very well. Relax, and let yourself focus on you and what's best for yourself and your life. I know how hard that advice is to follow in your situation, because I've been there. But if you keep working at doing the things you want in life, and letting go, relaxing about the thinking a few years in the future, you'll find that the cards will start sorting themselves into place. I'd focus on doing things that'll get you where you want to be, and take pride in your current accomplishments. Soon enough you'll be able to apply them to closing the distance. I mean it.

[Goldtang]

wow, your story sounds just like what i just went through. My boyfriend lives in Washington and I in North Carolina, its a 6 hour drive but with finances, work, my kids and other issues we dont get to see each other that often. Since the day he moved there he has been talking about me moving there also, pointing out places I would love to hang out, telling me about job openings, saying to leave all my furniture and just pack my clothes in my car, asking me if I would like to wake up to him every morning etc etc etc. I had always said no because I have two children here but they live with their dad but I would still miss them. So when I finally talked it over with my children (they are teenagers) and my friends, I decided I was ready to move and even put in job applications in DC. I told my bf I was ready to move and he got very distant for a few days (which is so hard to understand when all we have is text). Then he finally tells me he is not ready for me to move in with him ! I had even applied for a great college in his area, wow what a fool I feel like! How do I know if I can trust him with other issues? He could change his mind about anything at any moment and I know that is a given right. I let him know how hurt I was and he apoligized and have not spoken about it for three weeks, I will wait for him to bring it up, if ever>