Drinking and alcohol -- super super stressed out

[sheraccoon]

Hi everyone, this is going to be long, so props to you if you read it. <3

So um, right now in the USA it's St. Patrick's night, which mean drinking time. Some background info: My SO drinks. His friends drink. His friends drink until they are drunk. That is a common situation, I'm completely used to it. I don't mind drinking as a social event - hanging out with friends, going to a couple of parties, having a couple of drinks; I do that too. But I completely disapprove of people drinking til drunk. Or just mindlessly drinking. Maybe it's the way I was brought up, but I don't believe you need alcohol to have fun.

I was due to go to Japan for a study abroad semester, but yesterday my school cancelled the program due to the situation in Japan right now. Which also means that I am going to be behind with 1 semester worth of credits, which is not the problem because I was already ahead by about 7 credits anyway. However, the fact that my college is doing absolutely NOTHING to help makes the situation even worse. No contingency plan, and the 5 of us left behind are expected to find our own plans. There are some professors willing to accept us into classes with less than 2 months of class time left, but for someone like me, the earliest I can go back to campus early April. That means, less than 6 weeks of class time to catch up with 4 months of work. It's not possible. It's been a stressful 2 days, with calls over 2 timezones and about a hundred emails sent out, cancelling flights and trying to get housing money back etc etc. Trust me, it's not a good time.

So St Patrick's night, I just got off text messaging with my SO. I initially texted him a couple of times regarding my situation since he was really helpful this morning / my last night and he asked me to keep him posted. Which I did once I went through emails this morning, researched potential summer courses and looked at more options. No reply for a while (common, when he's working he doesn't reply), but when I did get a reply all I had was "Hii". So I replied back saying that I asked a few questions, did he read them? And then I got a reply that "Sorry, I'm drunk". Asked him why he was drunk - "I'm a drinkoholic and I am with my friends on irish night. I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I don't do it very often and I enjoy sitting with my friends and having fun"

Perfectly acceptable. But him drunk and out with friends and me stressed over my situation makes me a bit cranky because I don't approve of such things. And he knows it. So I told not to do anything stupid because I might lose it against him and basically told him if he went and did something that results in my heart breaking I won't be happy. And then I told him to go have fun. Maybe I shouldn't have done that but I was really annoyed. Then I got this message "You might not agree but most of my time is enjoying the company of my guy friends like X, Y, Z. We chill out together and have fun." I know who his friends are, and I am perfectly aware that he enjoys chilling with them. Used to it. Accept it. I want him to go chill with friends and have fun! Who wouldn't? I'm going to a friend's birthday party tonight and I'm going to be having fun too.

The problem is, I trust my SO, a lot, but I DO NOT trust alcohol. Ever. College parties have made me seen what stupid things people do under alcohol. Nor do I fully trust certain people under the influence of alcohol. Unfortunately, my SO's friends are your typical party people. Well, at least 2 of them. We go to conventions together, and the chances of these 2 picking up girls to sleep with over the duration of the conventions are incredibly high. They flirt with girls shamelessly, and even if they are in a relationship, they will have no qualms about sleeping with another person. I know this FOR A FACT for one of them. Stories from other friends, and my SO himself, and me after getting to know him. And alcohol, no matter how much or little is consumed, lowers your perception to the situation around. I don't want my SO doing anything stupid. Especially not if he's with his friends. If they think it's morally okay to sleep with people in a relationship, I really don't need that. My SO has morals, and in regular situations he will not do such a thing. But with alcohol? I don't know. I dislike the situation. But I don't want to suffocate him either. I don't want to throw my opinions on him and make it seem like I don't like doing things he wants to do. Now I'm even more frustrated and I want him to know I'm mad but that will make him sad and I don't even know.

So, LFAD, I'm a bit pissed off. Do I have a right to be pissed off? Am I overreacting? What am I supposed to do? I'm so conflicted. Opinions please. I'll give you internet cookies if you read the whole post though, I don't usually write essays but omg I am close to yelling at someone.

[FadedSunrise]

I read it, cookies for me? XD jk jk

But in all seriousness, I am essentially of your opinion with regard to alcohol. I drink, socially-hanging out with friends, having a couple drinks, especially if they taste good(some do-I love barley alcohol, champagne, and Qingdao beer). However, I never drink to get drunk. I don't believe getting drunk is ever supposed to be something worth going for. I don't trust people with alcohol, and drinking in general, but this may also have to do with how high of a tolerance I have-I hardly have even gotten buzzed.

My SO also probably counts as the "good boy" of his crowd of coworkers. The only one who went to college, the only one who doesn't smoke. But once a month he'll go out drinking with them, and will get drunk. I do trust him a lot, and sometimes I'm pissed off that he does it, more for the fact that that much alcohol is unhealthy, but in the end I let it be because I have no reason to not trust him on that day of the month still.

I say talk to him about it again, say your piece, make sure he understands your point of view, and let him explain his. If in the end it remains that he finds drinking to get drunk at times something that is fun, then I don't see another solution but to leave it be.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm a bit more extreme with my opinion of alcohol. I abhor it, don't see why people drink it and just downright don't like seeing people drink. My SO drinks casually and at one time had a problem with "self medicating" with Moscato (white wine) or beer. I've witnessed him tipsy and slightly drunk, but never "hugging the toilet all night and evacuating his insides" drunk. Personally I'd sooner glue his mouth shut and watch him try to inject it in his veins or snort it.

If you honestly don't like him getting drunk, even if it's a rarity for him, he needs to know and also needs to respect that. My SO knows my views on drinking and cut back and I don't fuss if he goes out with friends and has a beer, it's not that huge a deal. It's merely when heavy drinking is involved that it becomes a matter of personal safety and inhibition. Plus no one likes needing a new liver. College, depending on where it is, can be the years that people drink most and most frequently. I have a cousin who goes to the state college here and I'm always seeing drunken messages on his Facebook and there have been several times his friends or even his girlfriend gets ahold of his phone and posts really obscene statuses. I'd tell my Aunt but her policy is so long as he keeps his grades up she could care less. Still it's generally a time when you do stupid stuff depending on your peers and location and most of the time needs to be taken with a grain of salt. It's when things can or do get out of hand that someone needs to poke a hole in the balloon.

[Tabitha]

If an individual is going to cheat, they will do it, intoxicated or not. Alcohol may lower inhibitions, but it doesn't erase morals.

[Brandie]

If an individual is going to cheat, they will do it, intoxicated or not. Alcohol may lower inhibitions, but it doesn't erase morals.

I think this is said perfectly in my opinion!!

[8000miles]

If an individual is going to cheat, they will do it, intoxicated or not. Alcohol may lower inhibitions, but it doesn't erase morals.

True, but people break morals all the time that they wouldn't have sober. It happens constantly.

That being said, I'm pretty much in the same situation. My girlfriend used to go clubbing back in the day. By the time I met her she had mostly stopped, but now that her friends are starting to go again, she started go occasionally. She doesn't get drunk, just a few drinks, and I trust her friends. A few times though, she went out without telling me and that really frustrates me, so now she tells me. But even then, I hate it. It's scary, she could still get drunk and do stupid things. All the guys there are there to get sex and that's it. Guys are always trying to buy drinks for the girls for.. obvious reasons.

So I can't imagine if she was planning to get drunk with friends who are going to get plastered and have no sexual restrictions. I also understand the extreme stress you're under. I think that, especially because of the school situation, he probably should have restrained from drinking tonight. But you do have to realize it's only one night. The chance of him actually doing anything are very very low, and you need to trust him. I understand how bad it would be, but I think you can also handle it for one night. He knows how you feel about it and doesn't do it often, so I think you have a right to be frustrated, but I don't think that it should be made into too much of a big deal from this one situation either.

[Mara]

I hope you get everything worked out! It's rather inconsiderate of them not to try to figure out something for you (class wise). I hope getting everything straightened out is going well.

Now on to your SO. I don't believe alcohol has a bit to do with cheating. Have you ever been drunk, OP? I spent my first year of college getting drunk and partying. A week didn't past when I wasn't drunk, probably not even a half a week. Never once did I just forget suddenly that I had a bf because I was drunk. Never once did I cross the line or even tiptoe close to it. People who try to excuse cheating with the I was drunk bit are doing just that, trying to excuse cheating.

I wouldn't worry about your SO doing anything he isn't supposed to just because he's drunk or his friends do. Half of my SO's friends cheat on their girlfriends too, but does he cheat on me? No.

Don't worry much about this drinking until their drunk thing either- it's just a phase. It wears off thank goodness. I haven't had a drink in about two years now and didn't have one a year before that even though I spent my first year of college getting drunk continuously.

[8000miles]

Oh, and instead of internet cookies, you can give REAL cookies to 13000km

[13000km]

I don't trust alcohol either, people do all sorts of nonsense under the influence of alcohol, and especially if the influences around them are encouraging them to go against their morals. However, from what you said it seems that your boyfriend doesn't do this often, and he is just having fun. It does suck that it has to be today, of all days, with your current schooling situation.

When he's sober and when your emotions are more stable you could let him know that you were mad, not because he was having fun with friends, but because of the added stress from your school situation, you wished he could have been there, sober, for you. Make it clear that it's not your intention to stop him from doing those things, but that there are certain aspects to it that you're concerned about.

Thanks for the cookies. (: Would it make you feel better if I bought you real-life ice cream instead? Mmm :9

[Silencedsongs]

The situation with your school is horrid! At least you're still ahead of the game, but I can only imagine the stress of trying to stay that way...

However, my particular opinion on everything else might differ slightly from what everyone else is saying. While yes, I don't agree you should drink to get drunk, sometimes it happens. If it happens a LOT, then yes- obviously I could understand your frustrations with him. But questions such as:

"Why are you drunk?"
"Why are you drinking?" (Not that you asked, just as an example)...

That to me is almost passive aggressive, particularly in the way you described the event.. My ex did that to me, and instead of just saying, "Okay, stay safe, and have fun." It resulted into awkward conversations, and instead of enjoying the rest of my night - I was worried I'd upset him and knew we would be having a conversation later. But I can also understand you were under rather unusual stress. >.<

[garnet]

Alcohol was yet another factor in the demise of my first marriage. I believe it DID erase his morals, such that they were.

Most of my male friends drink. I think it's ridiculous that they are 30 years old, and spend every hour not at work pouring beers back. But they are my friends, and I really have no business giving them my opinion (except when they drive, then it's another issue). Anyway, with Rane, I told him from the very start, if you want to drink, thats cool. We wont be moving forward as a couple, but it's your choice to make. Same with smoking. His body, his choices, but it is my choice if I want to be with someone that does those things. It's his choice if he wants to deal with my *don't do it's.*

If I were more easy going about it, I think I would prefer my boyfriend/fiance/SO stick to like, one drink per outing. There is just no reason to get drunk. Maybe you can talk to him, and come up with some guidelines you can both follow, and both feel comfortable with.

[nicole]

Me and my SO drink socially together- like we'll sometimes have a bottle of wine between us at dinner, or we'll spend a night chatting, nursing the same beer for hours. At most we get a little tipsy. We both go out on occasion and get more drunk then that, but I always cut myself off pretty early on in the night- I am always the one carrying people home. Some of my friends get absolutely trashed, I hate feeling like that so I stop. Just because they act a certain way doesn't mean I have to.

My dad got my SO very drunk at Christmas, however, and I DID NOT like it at all. It's not like he did anything bad, or was throwing up or anything. He just acted different in a way I did not like. It upset me to see him that way. I understand however, he felt pressured to keep up with my dad, so it wasn't his fault, but yeah... didn't like it.

[LostInLove]

When he's sober and when your emotions are more stable you could let him know that you were mad, not because he was having fun with friends, but because of the added stress from your school situation, you wished he could have been there, sober, for you. Make it clear that it's not your intention to stop him from doing those things, but that there are certain aspects to it that you're concerned about.

This.

I personally am okay with my SO going out drinking, but that may be because he tends to drunkenly text me all night to let me know he's thinking about me. He doesn't do it very often either, so I see no reason to worry. That said, I can understand why you don't like him going out and getting drunk with that group of friends. Trying to make him change for you will be difficult though. If him getting drunk every once in a while is something you REALLY can't live with, you may have to do what garnet did and give an ultimatum. Be prepared for it to go either way though.

[Dziubka]

I agree with 13000km and LostInLove.
You can tell him that you were (are) stressed out about your situation at school, that you needed him and that even if he can't be with you physically it would have been a great help and relief if he had been with you emotionally instead of going out.

I really think that whether they chose to drink or not is everyone's personal decision.
I wouldn't stop drinking because my boyfriend doesn't like it or rather I don't see myself becoming serious with anyone who'd have a problem with it in the first place.
One of the things that made me fall in love with my boyfriend was that he's very sociable and likes to have a good time. Drinking doesn't have to be a part of it, but it can be and frankly it can be a lot of fun. I don't see any reason not to drink, as long as you do it responsibly, don't drive or do other dangerous shit.
My boyfriend is the cutest drunk ever. I absolutely love the drunk sms he sends me when he's out. I'm actually more worried that he is annoying all his friends by constantly talking about how much he misses me and how perfect I am, than that he might cheat. He has been drinking socially since he was 15ish and hasn't had a single hook-up. If it hasn't happened when he was single, what are the chances of it happening now?!
Not everyone turns into a reckless, moral-less idiot when they're drunk...

[sheraccoon]

Wow! Thank you all for reading, and responding. If I could send ya'll cookies I would. Really. I have no idea how to reply to everything, but I will try.

First of, let me add that the situation I am in right now probably added to me being mad. Having to wait approximately 10-20 hours for a reply in which you urgently require can make you act like an idiot. That said, thanks for all the concerns about my school - the administration is still not doing anything to help, but I have a few professors who have replied and told me that they cannot accept me into the current classes due to workload and the lack of time (basically, most of the politics classes I need). But I have one good news which is I might potentially be able to do an independent study for one of my lower division courses. Thank goodness for that!

Also, I went out with my girlfriends today, chilled out, ate good food, talked about local gossip, complained about my stupid school admin, and have calmed down considerably. At the same time, my text message app crashed, so my SO emailed me, and left me a voice message wishing that I would have a good day, and that he'll talk to me later, but he has to go to bed now. Etc. He's not the kind of person who will apologize for something he believes he is not in the wrong for (I'm that stubborn too), so I'm not expecting a direct apology. But I thought that was pretty sweet of him to leave me a voice message, as he knows how i was feeling then.

Regarding my opinion on drinking: I do social drinking a lot. It's a bit more difficult in the USA seeing how I am yet to be 21 (silly laws), but in Asia, it's 18. So I've been drinking for almost 3 years of my life (legally), and my parents let me drink wine and champagne etc since I've been 12. I have nothing against drinking as a social event. Going out and having a glass or 2 of wine at a dinner? Count me in! Going to a party or a convention party and being offered a mix - sure! Just don't tell them I'm not 21 (but no one cares). My SO having friends over at his place and whipping out the alcohol? Yes I will drink! My SO and I also drink if we make dinner together.

@Mara, yes I've been drunk before! And it was a bad situation then because I woke up the next morning with a horrible hangover and fuzzy memories of what happened the night before. :/ Never doing that again. At the same time, because I'm a convention go-er, I've seen people act completely strange under the influence of alcohol. Trying to snog me is not a good idea. :| I tend to end up taking care of my friends, and I've seen some of them act in a 180 degree personality change. Interesting times. Also, some of his friends are 30+. They still drink. On the other hand, he's also unemployed and too lazy to get a proper job. He just likes partying. Oh well. Anomaly I guess.

That said, I also think alcohol can modify your morals. Actions that seem completely wrong to you when you're sober may seem completely acceptable when you're not. And I can say this from my own experience. Not going to go into details here, but meh, I wouldn't have done some things if I hadn't been drinking. I need to start learning how to say no. :/

Good grief, I'll continue this in another comment. I don't want to bore you guys with another essay. I'll have to offer something better than cookies now, eh?