should I stay or should I not?

[Miramaid]

I asked for your prayers before I went to see my SO. I am still here with him. things were ok and I was happy that they were getting better, but...yesterday I counted condoms in his box. There was one missing.
You probably gonna say "Why would you even do that?" and I will answer that our relationship has been a roller coaster and there were and still are many red flags, so I counted because I did not feel secure and because I have noticed that the box was open when I arrived (and last time I was here we used them all, so I know he needed to get new box).
I asked him about it and of course it was a very awkward situation. He said he used the condom with a toy that he uses (he showed me the toy). I did not know he had a toy tho we have been together 10 months. He said he used it with a toy to see if a condom would make a difference and to see how quickly he would cum with the condom.
He got mad that I counted. He tried to turn things away on me, and pull out something that was irrelevant, and talk about me, that I lie to him and why is it that I never want to talk about what bothers him, but talk about what bothers me (duh! Because I am not the one having missing condoms etc.)
Like I said we have many red flags in our relationship. I, however, still do not know what to do. I regret that I have told him. I should have kept my mouth shut and continue to see if there is anything else that would be suspicious, but I did tell him. I do not know what to do now. I slept on a couch tonight (partially because I needed to stay up late but also because I still do not know what to do). He says he doesn't have anyone else, but hey, what does all this mean then?
What would you do in my situation? Was I right to bring it up? And what should I do now? The only reason why I am still with him despite many red flags, is because somehow I am afraid that I may be wrong and I may think too much into things. I have been cheated on before and I sure do not want to be that girl again and go through such pain. But I am afraid that if I am wrong and he really did nothing bad and he really does love me, then I push away someone who really cares about me.

P.S. We had a very hard few days before I came to visit and he was acting like a total ass hole to me. The day of my visit I did not want to come, but it was his Bday and I have been planning on it for a while, and he called and apologized and said that he wanted me here etc. etc.

[Caitlin2009]

i dunno, what does your heart say to do it seems to me like you have fallen out of love with each other, maybe a little break would do you guys some good

[Mara]

Do you know what is the main problem in your relationship with your SO? Trust. You don't trust him and he doesn't trust you and that causes you both to act crazy. There also isn't any honesty in your relationship. The two of you are never 100% honest and upfront with each other and that causes more problems than they are worth. You say he didn't tell you he had a toy, well, I've read your threads and there are things you have kept from him as well. When you keep things from the person who is supposed to be your partner in life and then they suddenly find out about it, yeah, that's going to look suspicious.

The two of you also have a lot of your own individual issues. You have issues with insecurity and dependency and he struggles with depression (from your words) and paranoia though I don't think either of you would be so paranoid if you'd just tell the other the complete and whole truth. My mother instilled me as a child never to lie because once you tell a lie then no one can believe a word you say and that's what has happened here. Both of you have lied to the other and neither of you can trust the other because of it.

I won't recommend you to leave your relationship, it's not my place to tell you that, but I do think that this relationship is toxic. It's like a disease that is slowly spreading and turning you into someone unrecognizable. If you love this guy, he's a good guy a heart (again I can't say, I only know what you've written), and this is the guy you want to spend your life with, I don't see any reason why the two of you couldn't try to make this work.

But there have to be some severe changes in order for this to be a functioning, healthy relationship. You have to let go of your insecurities, you have to trust him not to betray you, and he has to do the same for you. I've been cheated on in the past too by someone who I never thought would betray me, but I'm not going to punish my SO for what someone else did to me. Stop going through your SO things and looking for something that is going to prove that he isn't loyal to you; that behavior is nothing, but harmful and the same goes for him.

Both of you need to be 100% honest with each other from now on, make a pact not to snoop behind the others back, and also, make an agreement that even though the two of you have trust issues you will both put the past behind you and move forward together. Also, get all of your grievances with him out and the open and he should do the same with you. Make a list if the two of you have to and agree to work on the things that each of you do that is hurting the other and severely damaging your relationship.

This doesn't have to be over, but you are going to have to stop a lot of this behavior and start trusting your SO and the same goes for him.

[Miramaid]

@ Mara. Thank you for the post. You say not to go through his things and all...but how can I trust him if those couple of times when i DID I have found tracks of other women (be it his phone when I found out he lied to me that he was just friends with one girl, but in fact they used to have a relationship), or be it a box of condoms when one was missing and I am pretty sure one was missing last time I was here too. If I did not find anything, all I would do would have been "Oh God! I am so stupid!" and I would not look for anything any more, but when you find one thing, then you find another and another...you start to wonder.
I was not honest about VERY personal things from my PAST that have occurred BEFORE my current relationship. And I was not honest because he doesn't take some information properly and freaks out. Lets say that is not an excuse, but I do still see a difference between not telling something about the past that you want to put behind and forget about and things that are happening IN THE CURRENT relationship. For my mistakes I have apologized to him 10000000 times. He never said he was sorry for anything.
I do not know. The last thing I want is to find myself empty emotionally a couple of years later coz when I love someone I give all of myself to the person. AND I love him and I give all of myself. If I find out that he in fact cheated, it will crush me. It will crush me even more if I find out later, after investing even more into the relationship and possibly even changing my life completely (I am considering joining the army to hopefully be close to him).

[Caitlin2009]

@ Mara. Thank you for the post. You say not to go through his things and all...but how can I trust him if those couple of times when i DID I have found tracks of other women (be it his phone when I found out he lied to me that he was just friends with one girl, but in fact they used to have a relationship), or be it a box of condoms when one was missing and I am pretty sure one was missing last time I was here too. If I did not find anything, all I would do would have been "Oh God! I am so stupid!" and I would not look for anything any more, but when you find one thing, then you find another and another...you start to wonder.
I was not honest about VERY personal things from my PAST that have occurred BEFORE my current relationship. And I was not honest because he doesn't take some information properly and freaks out. Lets say that is not an excuse, but I do still see a difference between not telling something about the past that you want to put behind and forget about and things that are happening IN THE CURRENT relationship. For my mistakes I have apologized to him 10000000 times. He never said he was sorry for anything.
I do not know. The last thing I want is to find myself empty emotionally a couple of years later coz when I love someone I give all of myself to the person. AND I love him and I give all of myself. If I find out that he in fact cheated, it will crush me. It will crush me even more if I find out later, after investing even more into the relationship and possibly even changing my life completely (I am considering joining the army to hopefully be close to him).

trust is an essential part of any relationship including LDR's you dont have that you dont have anything, my ex did the same as yours cheated on me and was also emotionally abusive to me, i try hard not to let that interfer with me and Denise's relationship most of the time sometimes it does creep up on me but im quick to kick myself in the butt and tell myself thats not gonna happen with this relationship, you both need to do the same thing with each other or else your relationship is gonna fail, you cant keep thinking every guy your with is gonna do the same thing you both need to sit down and have a serious long talk because you both owe it to yourselves!

[Mara]

But see that's the thing dear, you are trying to satisfy your trust issues by going through his things to prove to yourself that he's not doing anything. I will tell you coming from someone who has been there and done that, that never works. Even if you don't find anything you won't feel relieved you'll just find some other reason not to trust him or some other reason to be upset. Take this girl that turns out he was a relationship with, he lied about that right? But then, didn't you lie about something in your past? Did you ever think he didn't tell you that he was in a relationship with her for the same reason you didn't tell him about your past? You both seem to have a fear of the other acting irrationally and all of it is not unfounded.

Just like counting the condoms, he had a reason behind that didn't he? And the reason he gave honestly, if you research it, it's not too uncommon for men to experiment with condoms when masturbating. I hardly think if he was cheating he would have just only used one condom and he surely wouldn't have had an explanation like that on hand to tell you. Also, unless he was just an idiot he wouldn't have left the condoms around for you to find. But the point of it is, at the end of the day, either you trust your partner or you don't. You can't protect yourself from being cheated on. I know how that feels, I know the pain that brings, but there is nothing you can do to stop someone from cheating on you and if he isn't (which I haven't really read anything to point to the fact he is) you are just pushing someone who loves you away.

As for saying sorry, maybe he hasn't apologized, but really will him saying sorry make a world of difference? It won't take back what has happened and honestly, he probably isn't sorry because he feels his actions where justified. Again, one of you has to be adult enough to say, I'm going to trust you, I'm going to be honest with you, and I expect you to do the same. If you can't, then I don't see a future for us. Regardless of whether something is a past or current or future issue, if you ask your partner a direct question or he asks you a direct question, you should always be honest for the sake of your relationship.

[13000km]

Trust, when broken can be rather difficult to build back up again. In your situation, it would seem that both parties have given each other reason not to trust, and the consequences to this may be quite heavy.

There have been times when either my boyfriend or myself would get mad at what seems like a particular event. In your case it would be the missing condom. However, there's always more behind the main reasons we're mad, underlying issues that we ourselves may not know exist. What we would do is say, okay, there is a problem and we need to figure it out. Set aside some time where both parties are comfortable and TALK. Discuss ANYTHING you might have been unhappy with be it in the past or present. Take your time to do this.

Both parties need to be very flexible in working out solutions to resolve the root problems (the trust issue, not the missing condom). Start talking when both are calm and emotions will not get in the way of conclusions. Try to maintain that neither of you are in the right or wrong throughout the conversation. If unresolved, you will always find reason to think he's lying, and he will always be on the defensive. This can be a rather vicious cycle.

I hope everything works out well for the both of you!

[vpavelock]

If you have a strong sense that you SO is cheating, you may want to really start rethinking the relationship. Whether the reason be that he is "unworthy" of your trust, or you are incapable of putting yourself out there and trusting, you may need need some time to figure things out. Good luck!

[Moon]

I agree with Mara in that if he was cheating, he should be missing more than one condom. Do you know when he bought them? If it was a while ago, and only one was missing, he may be telling the truth. That being said, what is your gut instinct telling you? Not your heart and not your head, but what do you instinctively feel about the situation? Listen to that little voice inside of you, women have great instincts usually, but they screw it all up by ignoring it. If that voice is telling you that this relationship isn't right, then you know what you have to do.

On the other hand, if it's saying "stay", then you've got to control the trust issue (both of you), or it's doomed. You simply cannot have a healthy, functional relationship without trust, it's not only essential, but the base of every good relationship. If you know it's just not there, and isn't going to ever be, you're better off ending it. No sense in prolonging the misery, you deserve better than that.

[Miramaid]

@ Mara. Whatever I lied about (and again, I do not call "holding back" a lie) was about me and me only. I do not think that me not telling him about abortion that I had 7 years before him and I met, is a MAJOR factor that destroyed trust in our relationship or should have destroyed anything at all for that matter. I do not think that me erasing wall posts on FB was an issue coz i have always cleaned my wall AND as soon as he brought it up, I stopped cleaning my wall. I do not think that him finding out that I have pics of a guy from my PAST that I took is a reason to destroy trust in our relationship. I do not think that him digging and finding out what nickname I used to call my ex is a reason for him to not trust me. I do not think that the fact that one of the guys I had a very brief dating relationship IN THE past and who happened to remain on my FB is a threat to our relationship coz tho I did tell my current BF that I do not communicate with exes (and I do not) I never considered that guy my ex or anybody for that matter. HE never became anyone in my life and the only "communication" we had was me wishing him Happy Bday on his wall. All that I told my BF but he is convinced that I lied because I said i did not keep contact with exes but in fact there is one on my FB (and I deleted the guy a while ago just because it was making my BF uncomfortable).

On the flip side, my BF had cheated before in his previous relationships. He still is friends with his exes and his ex friends with benefits, they txt him and call him. HE demands that I accept that fact coz they are friends, tho there is no way he would accept the same thing (and he doesn't have to coz I really do not communicate with exes). There was this story with that girl i mentioned above. At some point he wanted her to be his roommate! IT is like WTF??? He is the one who kept a dating profile AFTER We started dating, telling me that it is because he has no friends and he wants to talk to people there and he knows no other way to make friends with his busy schedule etc., he is the one who is digging online to find things about me, he is the one who did not add me back on FB after our last break up and for over a month his relationship status was saying nothing and I know that (tho we were back together), he is the one who comments on pics of other girls, and I find notes in his apartment with girl's names and addresses or phone numbers (and I never asked him about those).

Now, am I being irrational? May be. Yes I never walked on him making out with somebody or smth like that, but all the things I mentioned do not make me feel secure.

[Mara]

Then, end things. You really only have two choices; stay or go. I'm not saying you have to stay with him, I was only telling you what you need to [and should do], if you did. You have gotten some very good advice here and whether or not you choose to take it or even stay with him is up to you. But there are only two choices; stay, trust your partner, work on the issues in your relationship, or leave, break up with him, and move on.

Edited to add: Do what is best for you. At the end of the day, you should do what is going to make you a happy, healthy individual. Do not consider the fact that you love him, do not consider how much time you have put or what you have already emotionally invested, but consider what is going to make you ultimately happy in the end. Only you know whether or not that is staying with him or leaving.

[Miramaid]

thank you!

[Deleted Account]

You cant have that. If you feel jealous of the fact that he is close with his exes and his friends with benefits then you need to tell him to stop. If he loves you, he should be able to see that its a big deal for you and stop talking to those girls. There's no need for him to do that if he loves you anwyays. Also...

COMUNICATION is the reason why relationships fail or succeed. Me and my bf talk about EVERYTHING. before i met john, i had a really TERRIBLE 4 yr relationship.. and i suffered a lot from it. Aside of that i had a lot of personal issues in my life previous to meeting him. Yet, as my bf, he's there for me and in order for trust to truly work well in a relationship.. u need to be able to tell him absolutely EVERYTHING.. not just what you think is important for him to know.... explain things to him, talk to him about every issue u had...

In fact, i felt like i couldnt tell my bf every terrible thing in my life.. yet its his belief that he has the right to know about all ur previous relationships and fuck ups in ur life. That doesnt mean that u want to talk about them all the time. But he deserves the right to know everything that made you.. you.

Telling him about the most embarrassing or emotional moments about ur life also gives insight to him about how much u trust him.

But this is also something that needs to be reciprocal.. he is just as honest with me as i am with him. Both of you need to do that in order for the relationship to be healthy. IF you want to end it only you know if its right.. but if u want to continue it, then make sure u're both on the same page... and that means a bit of arguing and discussions.. but as long as u both get all ur points across and understand each other and learn to be fair with each other.. everything will be alright.

one argument that always helps to balance things is "dont do to other what you wouldnt like them to do to you"

therefore.. if he stil goes out with his exes and stuff... place the burden on top of him.. how would he feel if you did that...


also one thing that i noticed u said was that u counted his condoms and 1 was missing. SO u were there with him.. why is he jerking off by himself if you are around??? wont he rather have sex with u??