I've finally met my LDR after 4 1/2 years. It doesn't feel the same anymore =[

[wingman23]

I've known my LDR about 4 1/2 years now. We met on a site called isketch which is an online pictionary site back in 06. We've developed such a strong loving relationship over the past 4 years. We've gone through our honeymoon stage, reality stage, gone through fights, gone through doubts, talked for an entire day and laughed. We even had our share of break ups. We've grown so close that we even planned on getting married. Everything you'd experience in a relationship with the exception of physical interaction. I always looked at it as a blessing because if we can be so close long distance I know we can be closer in person and I knew we truly had something special.

All of that changed for some odd reason on March 11th the day me and her finally met. We didn't really plan on meeting each other the way we did. She lives in California while I live in the state of Oregon so we're neighboring states. She lives about 10 hours away from me and about 700 miles away so w'ere in the same timezone which helps a lot. We met because she decided to go to a university up here in my state that she really likes and also because she loves me and wants to finally be with me so we can close the distance. She'll be moving here in August but she came up on the 10th to visit the school and we took advantage of that situation in order to finally see each other. The problem with this was we only had about an hour and a half to see each other and even in that time our interaction was very limited. I met her while we were both at the counseling and she was just sitting in a chair writing something. I see her lift her head up and noticed it was her, we both froze at that moment. After that she signaled me to meet her in the hall where the restrooms are by the drinking fountains. There we hugged each other and gave each other one kiss. We were both extremely nervous and shaking. She quickly had to go however since her mom was waiting for her in the counseling office.

I didn't see her again until the tour of the campus in which we were partnered together but there were 6 other people in the group touring with us and the entire time the tour guide was talking. We had no time to talk, kiss, hug each other, or do anything and in the end her parents came to take her so we couldn't even say good bye (her parents don't know about me) and that was the end of it.

It was disappointing because we didn't get to do anything and it wasn't the way we had imagined we'd meet. We always had this image in our head of what that day will be like. We always planned on me going down to see her and meeting at my hotel and the moment we first glance at each other she'd just jump in my arms and we'd have a great time together for a whole entire week. It didn't turn out that way and after over 4 years of being in a relationship you'd really expect the first meet to be something far greater. In fact 2 weeks prior to her coming here to see the school I didn't consider going to see her because I didn't think it would have been the right way to see her for the first time and boy was I right. I guess when the time came I couldn't bare knowing she was here just half hour away and not go and see her. I didn't let anything get in my way.

The problem now is that right after seeing her that day I started to feel weird, like something had changed and it didn't feel the same anymore. I started to notice it in her too a little bit and began asking question on a different site. I learned from many other's who have been in my position say that it's a normal feeling that happens in all LDR's the first time they meet and that it takes several get together's to get over this feeling and back on track. I sure hope that's true. I was also informed that the way we met each other, being so nervous and hardly having any time to interact contributes a lot to this strange feeling. I brought it up a little bit with her and she said she was feeling strange too and believes that it'll just take time getting used to each other in person. I was told that the transition from LD to person is a hard one to get adjusted to and it takes time.Honestly I don't understand why after seeing her for the first time everything feels different. I do believe the fact we only had an hour and a half to see each other, we were very nervous and very limited interaction has a lot to do with this strange feeling but I just want to know different opinions.

As the week went by I noticed her slowly drifting away from me. There was less communication and far less emotion. Things that'll normally make her laugh made her become unresponsive. I finally discussed this with her more later in the week and found out she feels exactly the same and doesn't know why. She says she's still in love with me and loves everything about me but doesn't know why it feels weird now. I explained it to her and we agreed to take things a little slow but stil talk to each other, make each other laugh, the things that brought us together to begin with. She agreed and said she never wants to leave me. I never want to leave her and so far our plan has been stable but sometimes idk. I'm scared sometimes and optimistic other times knowing that we'll make it through this since we've been through so much together. It's sort of a pulse feeling, like sometimes i'd be down and other times optimistic about it. I told here everything will be alright.

I really just want to know from the many experiences on this site if this is normal and if it's just a phase that'll go away with time. I want me and her to be us again and I admit that the relationship isn't as strong as it once was. It would be ridiculous if our reason for breaking up is because of seeing each other. Could it be we aren't attracted to one another? I did gain some weight over the past year and a half and so I haven't been sending recent pictures of myself to her and also my hair is different but I'm not fat however I do need to work on it. She did mention my weight and she did say that it was noticeable and that I need to work on it but it doesn't bother her. However she did say she didn't recognize me at first and that I look mostly like what I look like in pictures but we have seen each other on cam many times too. I think it's just my weight. As for her she looked the way she does in pictures and webcam just maybe a little more petite but that's not bad.

Right now she's not texting me anymore. We started communicating more after discussing this with her two days ago but yesterday she just stopped texting out of no where and hasn't since. I'm really worried that she's just giving up =[ I need all the help I can receive cause this is the toughest thing I've ever had to go through. Tougher than a really terrible break up me and her went through a year ago. I really hope that this is a normal feeling and that it'll go away with time or by seeing her more often. We made it through so many tough times together I know we can make it through this. I apologize for rambling on but I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this. Thank you.

[LadyMarchHare]

Meeting the person does change your relationship and changes how you view it. For some it's intimidating, others it's now pain because they've tasted heaven and have to let it go again, and some find it liberating. Everyone's different.

I know meeting my guy wasn't exactly how I had always pictured it and it was a short visit which I think hurt me for a good while, but at the end of the day I got to see him and that's what matters. It is normal for people to pull away emotionally after a visit for numerous reasons. I know I quit texting my guy altogether and it took him three times of insisting I continue for me to even pick it up again. I just never had anything to say besides "I miss you" and after a while it can get annoying and monotonous. Just keep talking to your girlfriend, encouraging her and letting her tell you how she feels even if it's a not-so-positive feeling. Work through it as a couple and try to see the positives more than the negatives. Be understanding, make it clear you're always there for her, and that she doesn't have to hide from you just because you've entered a new stage in the relationship.

[uniquefem]

First, congratulation because you finally meet your SO. From what i read here... both of you are in love.
Its not easy to switch between LDR and real relationship face to face. Its so much easier to send those hugging emoticons rather than actually doing it... because shes in front of you, you had the thought ..oh ok, how should i hug her, a friendship hug, bf hug.. or maybe should i kiss her better? so much to consider about! because we see the person right in front of us!
You're back to stage getting to know each other once again... i just think.. if i am in your gf position.. why don't you both try to get falling in love together again in real way? its actually the best way...
You already know her inside out, know what she like and dislike.. and.. knowledge is power!
So why don't you start from doing silly stuff if you had time with her, like introducing your name and ask her name (this is silly, but its sweet) you know her, but this is different situation... don't see it as negative thing.. if she seemed drift away, don't let her go!
You both been to this for like 4 years and it is something worth to fight for! win her heart again! start doing things that you want to do with her from the very beginning! date night, movie, etc.. start all over again with the difference... you already know her for sometimes!
Make her falling in love with you again! made her smile! made those talk happens for real!
Just because she drift away means you had to gave up too! you had your chance now to be much closer! its just need "adjustment" a lilltle "tune up" for the relationship because now you racing on a different "racing track" (sorry i gave you just an example how relationship could switch and its not that big deal )

Good luck!

[heatherotic]

Its so much easier to send those hugging emoticons rather than actually doing it... because shes in front of you, you had the thought ..oh ok, how should i hug her, a friendship hug, bf hug.. or maybe should i kiss her better? so much to consider about! because we see the person right in front of us!

I was definitely like that the first time I met my SO. I mean, he had been my boyfriend for four months, but I was still shy about holding his hand and things like that. It didn't help that I was nervous as hell around his mom. Lol.


Anyhoo, my advice to the OP is to maybe ask her what she feels is missing. She may not know, but if she racks her brain, maybe it'll give her an idea and ya'll can work on it. In my opinion, your weight shouldn't be an issue if you didn't lead her on. I have a friend that used to go on a lot of blind dates, but she'd never mention her weight, the guy would have some image in his head that didn't match my her body type and the guys felt like she had mislead them.

My point is, that shouldn't change anything. When I met my SO, I thought it could go one of two ways, either he'd be everything I expected, or he wouldn't. I didn't think there was a third option, that he'd be a million times better than my wildest fantasies, but that's what happened.

I don't think you should give up. If she's coming to school there, I think ya'll should hang out a few times and see if ya'll can build on the connection you already have. Don't give up. I hate to sound negative, but if it's not there, it's just not there. But again, don't give up just yet.

I sincerely hope everything goes well and I wish you the best.

[Tanja]

I think you guys need to have another "first" meeting. Where it'll be just the 2 of you and you'll have a lot more time to talk and find that connection you share online. As harsh as it sounds some people just don't click in real life no matter how great they get along online. So like heatherotic said, if it's not there, it's no there...

But I think you need to have a proper go with getting to know each other physically and getting over the awkwardness that comes with finally seeing the other person face-to-face.

Don't give up just yet and keep talking to her. You're both still the same people you fell in love with during these 4 and a half years!

[Summer]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here - please take what I say as just one POSSIBLE point of view. Just something to think about.

You "dated" online for over 4 years, but were in neighboring states the whole time. The only reason you met face to face to begin with was when she came up for a college orientation, and even then you did not set up a special time to see each other, but only met up during the orientation itself? No lunch beforehand? No coffee date?

I don't think it's the interaction itself that is bothering you, but rather how it happened. If you wanted it to be "special," why did neither of you go to the effort to set something up to make it that way?

It could be that you both have grown very comfortable in your long-distance relationship, but thinking of making it an up-close relationship (with the increases in intimacy) is making one or both of you realize that it's not what you actually want.

I'm very sorry you both are struggling right now - I know this must be a painful process. Best wishes to you both that you work out something in a way that benefits you both.

[wingman23]

I appreciate all the advice everyone has given me regarding this. I think we didn't spend enough time together to determine if we're not compatable but I do believe we definitely can be even if we were so comfortable online. I think it's an assortment of things from being nervous, to our interaction and just as the last poster said how it happened. We always had an image in our heads of how that day will be ad had such a high expectation and of course nothing turns out the way anyone wants it to. This just means we need to spend more time together.

The problem now is I feel as if we're drifting and not as close. The weird feeling is fading but I feel as if we are too. I try to make an effort to engage in conversations with her but she never seems to want really get into deep conversations with me anymore. Sometimes we didn't even before seeing each other but now all we do is ask about our days and what we're up to. I miss the laughs, the deep conversations, and the romance. Why would an event like this cause us to drift? How can we reignite that spark?

One other thing, I feel as if though physical attraction played a role. I have seen good pictures, gorgeous pictures, and bad pictures of her and I've seen her on cam and she looked gorgeous but somehow I didn't feel so attracted to her in person. She didn't look as cute and kinda plain but I never consider myself to be a shallow person. Even I have gained a bit weight but not a whole lot. This doesn't change my love for her but I guess it's a side of me I have to battle with and she might too. I do consider myself fairly handsome, I come from a family of really good looking people and many people in my family such as my cousin's are with very attractive girls. I almost feel as if I need to compete with them, like if I'm just as capable in finding someone beautiful. I don't even know what I'm saying I am attracted to my gf I just thought shed look more appealing when I saw her but that's not why I love her. How do I cope with this so I don't let it bother me and know she means more to me than looks. I just need help I don't want to loose her =[

[Tanja]

Most of LDR girls usually pretty themselves up before going on cam with they're boyfriends cause they wanna look as pretty as possible. Also with a camera they can set the angle so that it benefits them and you only see their good sides so to speak.

People always look different in real life and it takes time to adjust to that new look - it's hard to get your head around the fact that the person behind the screen you've been talking to for years is suddenly in front of you. It can be overwhelming, scary and confusing.

I do wonder why you haven't met earlier though since you have lived in neighboring states for 4 years like Summer said... I think you both need to ask yourselves if this relationship really is what you want and are you willing to make an effort for it? Talking online can be easy and as long as you haven't met it's sort of a fantasy, something new and exciting, you can make up scenarios and stories about each other and meeting in person stops that illusion, you'll see for real who you both are.

Tell her you need to have a serious conversation and think long and hard if you wanna make things work in real life or was it only working as long as you stayed LD?

[Micah]

I would guess they haven't met before because they are both in high school, or just she is in high school. When you are that age, your parents typically don't really let you travel 700 miles alone. I am also guessing they didn't arrange an outside visit from orientation because she was with her parents and had limited time, which is unfortunate. Do her parents even know about you? I hope that they do after 4 years. It's too bad that more time couldn't be arranged for you to spend together.

I know nothing about meeting in person after meeting online since that's not how my relationship started. I do know about the awkwardness of meeting up with someone and trying to be romantically involved in person for the first time. It takes time to get acquainted to each other in person as romantic interests... you usually don't just jump into it and aren't usually automatically comfortable and at ease. You really didn't get that time to get accustomed to one another. It sounds like you were both just disappointed and didn't get the first meeting that you always dreamed you would get. That isn't fair to either of you. It is affecting your relationship because it was going so well before you met and the first meeting was sour. It is typical for someone to pull away when they are disappointed. I hope that you are able to salvage your relationship and that maybe you can arrange a proper meeting soon where things are not rushed and you can take the all the time you need to get acquainted with one another in person.