Angelmichu's Weight Loss Thread - a query

[BabyGund]

After reading the responses there, I decided to do a threadjack....start a new thread instead of taking over hers with my different thought.....

One thing that strikes me is how everyone is coming down on Angelmichu for wanting her SO to lose weight...comments like how she should accept him the way he is and how she's the one with an issue....

I disagree...and here's the question....

We're all with our SO's based on some measure of physical attractiveness. You mean to honestly tell me that if your SO gained 50 lbs...say 100 lbs...you would STILL be attracted?

I'm not saying the heart and soul of the person doesn't matter....and I'm not saying being attracted to someone based on how they look is shallow....

But I'm also saying there's no way we're all as altruistic as we say we are.

So I admit, I've seen pictures of The Boy when he was heavier and uhm...yeah. If I had met him then, he would have been relegated to "friend" status. That's not to say that once I got to know him, he may have started looking more attractive. But it was that initial chemistry from his picture on Twitter that got me talking to him.

Thoughts? Opinions?

[maja]

Totally agree. My SO would certainly say something if I gained lots of weight (luckily I'm not the type who gains weight easily). I also wouldnt be too happy if he gained weight, as i love his muscularness and I think its a part of who he his, and I love him the way he is.

[garnet]

We're all with our SO's based on some measure of physical attractiveness. You mean to honestly tell me that if your SO gained 50 lbs...say 100 lbs...you would STILL be attracted?

When my ex husband and I started dating he was in a prep you for the military type of high school. He was something like 6 pounds over his ideal weight, pure muscle, etc. Fast forward to graduation, no more hardcore physical lifestyle, and he did gain close to 100 pounds. Obviously I noticed it, and I did have concern for his health because he was not eating right or exercising at all at that time, but as for attraction, who cares what he weighed? He was still him. He still had everything that made him who he was, just with some extra weight. We broke up a few times before we got married, and the last time we got back together, he may have been at his all time heaviest. I wouldn't have married him if it was an issue for me.

I agree that attraction plays a role in who we get together with. But weight does not have to be a factor in that for everyone.

When I remarried, I am on the other side, having married a man who is likely underweight. If he wanted to at least gain into the healthy range, I would not complain! But weight just isn't an issue that ties to attraction for me, either way. Although I do have limits, I think my story would change if a man was say ... 400+ pounds? Or under 110? *shrug*

[NaNi]

But she met her boyfriend when he was heavier. It's not like he gained weight all of the sudden. Which is why people are saying that she should accept him the way he his because she only knew him that way right from the very beginning.

[LadyMarchHare]

I think everyone's telling her to accept him because they're about to get married and thus enter a lifelong commitment. If she isn't happy with him now, what if he doesn't lose weight? Will they divorce over that down the road? Divorces are expensive, I'd rather have someone tell me my weight's too much of an issue for them to handle before the wedding than after when I've already got it in my mind that we're in this together forever now.

My whole opinion was I took mild personal offense because I AM overweight. In fact I've been labeled by doctors as "morbidly obese." So I know from personal experience the shit you can get handed just because you're carrying a lot of physical baggage and the last person I ever wanna hear it from is my SO. I understand the mindset that people are 'trying to help' and 'are concerned for your health' but dear lord if someone's been big all their life don't you think they've heard everything in the book by now? I've been called every name under the sun, tried every diet that didn't require me taking out a bank loan to afford their meal plans, and I'm only 21. In fact because of my size for the first 4 months of our relationship my SO never saw any pictures of me below my shoulders. I even photoshopped images to get rid of the miniscule double chin I have.

On our visit, I could hide nothing from my SO then. He saw how big I was, saw me without clothes, and yet he's still with me. Not everyone is shallow or bases their attraction on looks. Yes a lot of people bullshit their answers for the sake of trying to be the voice of reason or whatever, but not everyone lies through their teeth. Honestly if my SO gained 100lbs I say it's an improvement. He's skinny as hell. Then again he's 6'+ so 100lbs on him wouldn't be much.

Everyone has their own opinions on fat people, if they'd still tolerate the person their with if they gained a crapton of weight, and if the weight really matters to them. Coming from me, a fat person, I honestly wouldn't care if my SO ballooned to my body shape so long as he wasn't gorging on bad foods.

Look at the first quote in your signature, I believe that can easily apply here.

[kiara_silver]

me personally i can honestly say it doesnt matter to me. when i first got with my so he was heavier than he is now and so was i, but if had gained 20-50 pounds it honestly wouldnt have changed how i feel or my attraction to him. for me personality does add to the attraction a ton, but his smile makes my heart pound, his smirks and funny faces, and when he dances i love him as a whole. And i know even if he weighed 100 pounds more he'd still be the sexiest man in my eyes. just how i feel

[Dziubka]

Maybe we shouldn't reduce it to weight so much. Because body shape might not be important for everyone.
It could apply for all sorts of changes concering their look (like a neon green mohican or whatever).

Physical attraction is a very big factor in a relationship for me. I wouldn't date anyone that wasn't good looking (to me, that is). I could be super good friends with them, but there's no chance for a relationship. If my boyfriend didn't look the way he does, we would never even have gotten to know each other.
I really don't know what I'd do if someone I already was in a relationship with gained (or lost) a lot of weight, though. It's a tough question, because while it was his looks that initially caught me attention, I've fallen in love with the person he is. 20kg or even 50kg or him shaving his head (I <3 hís hair) obviously won't change him as a person, he'd still have the same views, the same sense of humor and personality that I love so much.
I'm not sure if that could make up for the loss of physical attractiveness that such a weight change would mean to me.
I can imagine that if we were CD I wouldn't even notice it directly (possibly only by comparing 'now' with old photos), because weight gain doesn't usually happen overnight.
On the other hand, if the physical attraction between us got lost because of that, I probably wouldn't see much hope for the relationship. An awesome personality is great, but I don't want to have a romantic relationship with my best guy friend or my brother.

[Rosebud]

Aww, you're so cute to assume we're all attracted to the same body type. Guess what? The world doesn't work that way honey. Personally? I'm just as attracted to larger guys as I am to thinner ones and having only ever dated thin guys up until my boyfriend I was pretty damned excited to see that he was a chubby one. So if he were to put on a few more pounds it honestly wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I'd probably be really attracted to it to tell you the truth. (he actually HAS gained a little bit since I last saw him 6 months ago and I admit I find it quite sexy)

Yes, weight is a very sticky subject between me and my boy when it comes to matters of health since we both have our issues. But we can sit here till the cows come home begging each other to eat healthier but it's just not going to happen when a particular lifestyle has been so ingrained into our heads and bodies for so long. Having dealing with my own food issues I know just how difficult it is to simply "eat healthier", so as much as I would like him to add a few more fruits and veggies to his diet, I realize such lifestyle changes might not occur until we're living together. But as for the extra weight he may carry? *shrug* Yeah, it does not bother me. 6 packs are nice, but I like tummies more.

[BabyGund]

But she met her boyfriend when he was heavier. It's not like he gained weight all of the sudden. Which is why people are saying that she should accept him the way he his because she only knew him that way right from the very beginning.

OK, I'll give you that....but what makes it any different than brides who lose weight for the wedding? Shouldn't their SOs accept them the way they are?

My whole opinion was I took mild personal offense because I AM overweight. In fact I've been labeled by doctors as "morbidly obese." So I know from personal experience the shit you can get handed just because you're carrying a lot of physical baggage and the last person I ever wanna hear it from is my SO. I understand the mindset that people are 'trying to help' and 'are concerned for your health' but dear lord if someone's been big all their life don't you think they've heard everything in the book by now? I've been called every name under the sun, tried every diet that didn't require me taking out a bank loan to afford their meal plans, and I'm only 21. In fact because of my size for the first 4 months of our relationship my SO never saw any pictures of me below my shoulders. I even photoshopped images to get rid of the miniscule double chin I have.

LMH, BTDT. I have ALWAYS been "the fat friend". I was morbidly obese, per those BMI charts, I actually had a consult for Lap-Band and they doctor refused, saying even though my weight said I was 100 lbs overweight, I didn't look it and I just needed more diet and exercise (Really?!)

He was right though, once I started exercising the weight started coming off. *shrug* I lost 50 lbs and got another 50 to go. The Boy has no idea how much I weigh and he's never said anything about my weight. But he knows I am trying to lose.

[Rosebud]

BabyGund, I'm pretty sure a majority of those women who lose weight for a bride's gown do it to make THEMSELVES feel better, not because their fiance is forcing them to. At least, with every bride I've ever known that's how it's always been and that's how it should be. If the groom is pressuring her to be thinner and wreak havoc on her body for a couple weeks to fit into a tinier dress, then something isn't right in that relationship. I certainly know I didn't start losing weight for my boyfriend, he never even mentioned anything about it except he wished I wouldn't get so stressed over it since he's always thought my body was beautiful the way it was.

[LadyMarchHare]

[FONT="Palatino Linotype"][COLOR="blue"]
LMH, BTDT. I have ALWAYS been "the fat friend". I was morbidly obese, per those BMI charts, I actually had a consult for Lap-Band and they doctor refused, saying even though my weight said I was 100 lbs overweight, I didn't look it and I just needed more diet and exercise (Really?!)

He was right though, once I started exercising the weight started coming off. *shrug* I lost 50 lbs and got another 50 to go. The Boy has no idea how much I weigh and he's never said anything about my weight. But he knows I am trying to lose.

100lbs is mildly overweight. A year ago I was 340+lbs. At some point I was 360. That's obese, especially at the height of 5'3". I was forced on a diet by my physician. Guess what? Diet didn't work. However I figured out what worked for me in regards of physical activity and food lifestyle and I'm down to 298. For a while I was 280, but at the cost of losing all that weight within less than a year I became borderline anemic from cutting out a lot of meats and stuff high in protein because HEY LOOK EVERYONE SAYS THAT STUFF'S BAD FOR YOU. So I gained a little more weight for the interest of, y'know, living.

And to answer your other question, which wasn't directed at me, about brides dropping pounds for their wedding day: Women are subjected more to an ideal, unrealistic body type than men. Women have more pressure on them to be thin and pretty and perfect like a damn Barbie doll. What society displays as the perfect woman, 95% of the population of women are not anywhere near. Plus wedding days are usually all about the bride anyway (I just assume call it "let the bitch show off a $2000 gown she'll only wear today" day instead of 'wedding day') and so most women think they need to be perfect. Yeah guys gets the body type pressure of people saying women only desire six packs on sweaty, tanned men in gym shorts or whatever, but guys are so much more lax about weight. I've seen guys hang out with HUGE fellas and not give a lick about it. Girls, however, I've had friends hang out with me and when I'm gone call me all sorts of names or even in my face tell me I need to shed a shitton if I'm ever "gonna get a man."

More than actual weight, it comes down to how you represent yourself. If you're big and feeling sorry for yourself all the time, that's unattractive. But if you're big and go around holding your head up high and DARE people to look at you and smile, that self confidence can spark someone's fire. Same with thin people. Long as you're not afraid to be who you are right now even if you're changing to be better for tomorrow, who cares if you're overweight, underweight, shapeless, or average?

[BabyGund]

BabyGund, I'm pretty sure a majority of those women who lose weight for a bride's gown do it to make THEMSELVES feel better, not because their fiance is forcing them to. At least, with every bride I've ever known that's how it's always been and that's how it should be. If the groom is pressuring her to be thinner and wreak havoc on her body for a couple weeks to fit into a tinier dress, then something isn't right in that relationship. I certainly know I didn't start losing weight for my boyfriend, he never even mentioned anything about it except he wished I wouldn't get so stressed over it since he's always thought my body was beautiful the way it was.

That may be true, but I have anecdotal evidence with my friends that it's not always the case. I know a guy who said to his fiancee, "Don't you want us to look our best in our wedding pictures?" and she fell for it hook line and sinker. That's one example of many.

I just don't agree that because your SO, spouse or whatever would like you to lose weight means that he/she doesn't love and accept you. I mean don't we all want what's best for our SOs?

[Rosebud]

That may be true, but I have anecdotal evidence with my friends that it's not always the case. I know a guy who said to his fiancee, "Don't you want us to look our best in our wedding pictures?" and she fell for it hook line and sinker. That's one example of many.

I just don't agree that because your SO, spouse or whatever would like you to lose weight means that he/she doesn't love and accept you. I mean don't we all want what's best for our SOs?

That's also why I sad if the guy is pressuring her into something like that there may be an issue within their relationship that should be resolved.

You might also do best to read my other post. The issue I had with Angelmichu's thread (as well as your own) is that for some people the weight gain situation is all about how someone looks, and I'm here to tell you for some of us we genuinly don't care if our SO gets a bit pudgy or just plain fat. It's when that excess weight becomes a physical issue (as in they can no longer move easily on their own) or a health issue where it becomes a concern. But if my guy wants to be fat, healthy and happy? Go for it. Because people CAN be fat and healthy and if that's the case what right is it of mine to tell them to change their body type?

[LadyMarchHare]

I just don't agree that because your SO, spouse or whatever would like you to lose weight means that he/she doesn't love and accept you. I mean don't we all want what's best for our SOs?

There's a time and a place for it. In the case of angelmichu that chance came and went already and so pushing it so late into the relationship makes it a bad situation. If the suggestion of weight loss/a healthier lifestyle and food habits was brought up when they began to get serious in the interest of the long run then I can see the point of letting it be actual concern. To push it now just makes it seem like him being big's gonna ruin the wedding day or any other ideal. Not saying that's the actual case, but that's how it can be interpreted via outward speculation.

If the person is honestly self-destuctive then yes they need the guidance. However again that's under the assumption that everyone who is big is not taking care of themselves, which is a total crock. I've had relatives who were big, ate 'hearty' meals 3 times a day every day and lived to be in their 90s with no health problems. Granted they did a lot of physical activity, but all the same. To me if someone's weight is bothering you that much that you want them to change, you're not doing it for their health you're doing it so they fit in with a pre-disposed ideal you have of them or whatever you find attractive. You can't make someone change just because you want them to, whether or not your intentions are pure and good. People have to change because they want to and they have the desire to. I sure as hell didn't lose weight for anyone else, not even my SO. If I'd still been at 340lbs when we met I would have told him "This is what you're getting, either deal or leave."

[Trethsparr]

BabyGund, I'm pretty sure a majority of those women who lose weight for a bride's gown do it to make THEMSELVES feel better, not because their fiance is forcing them to.

^This is EXACTLY true in my case. My SO has NEVER insinuated in any way shape or form that I should lose weight. His view has always been, "I love you just as you are, but if it makes you happier..." because he's seen firsthand my despair when I try to look for flattering clothes in the store. He's only known me when I've been overweight, and he has never tried to change me in the slightest. I'm losing weight for ME - because I have recent memory of being 50 pounds lighter than I was and how much more energy I had without the achy joints.

If it were a change he was trying to force on me, and I felt he didn't accept me for who I was (thin or thick), I would resist him as much as I would any other "well-meaning" familial comments. People have to decide on this issue themselves or forever resent the person who's pushing them to change.