Seems A Little One-Sided?

[Joyce:)]

it's the same with me, i am, as he says, a "creep on LDR sites" looking for ideas, quotes, cute photos about distance, i write a lot of cheesy emails, send a letter once a week, post on his wall. But he's not a boy that likes talking a lot, or writing for that matter, and he doesn't like showing his feelings around, and i feel blessed that he shows his feelings to me, tells me he will marry me, that he wants a life with me.
it's annoying at times doing most of the work, but i'm willing to do this if it makes our relationship work out. i love him, all i need is to let him know how much i care

[Summer]

I think the most important thing to remember is that we tend to do for our S.O.'s what we would like to receive ourselves, and that it's not the only "right" way to express emotions.

So, we send them mail, messages, phone calls, presents, etc., because that's the sort of thing we would like to get. Because we care about them, we do the things for them that we would like. Then, when they don't return the same kinds of things, we feel hurt and like they don't care. Our thought processes tend to go: we care --> we contact them a lot. They don't contact us a lot, --> OMG they don't care!!! But that's not fair, because they are different people. Their process might be more invisible, like, they care --> they don't get drunk and hit on girls at parties.

Also (as hard as it is for us to admit/understand), the phone calls, facebook messages, emails, etc. just plain might not mean as much to them as they do to us. So why would they return all of our messages (etc.) if they don't really see them as that important? I think often men tend to sort of take things for granted - the, "You know I love you - why would I need to tell you so again?" kind of attitude. So for them, the constant messages can be confusing and even annoying. Like, "It's Tuesday. Hey, today is Tuesday! Don't forget, it's really truly Tuesday!" or, even worse, sometimes we can make them feel obligated to do the same - "It's Tuesday. Right? Isn't it Tuesday? Today is Tuesday, don't you agree? Tell me it's Tuesday. Because it totally is!!"

I totally have this problem ALL THE TIME. I think women typically need more reassurance in a relationship, especially long-distance, than men do.

BUT, it's important to try not to "keep score." We ladies aren't necessarily doing "more work," we're just doing different work. I think sometimes for us, the messages etc. are really for ourselves - to make us feel like we're doing something to keep our relationship on track. To make us feel good by doing nice things for someone we care about. If we expect our partners to return "tit for tat," then it's an exchange relationship - more like a business, and we feel slighted.

I think the best thing to do is keep focused on the ways that they ARE showing they care.

I also think our partners can learn to show more appreciation (and in turn make us feel better), but it's a slow process, because they often really truly do not understand what we want/need. So the more we can show appreciation (rewards!) when they try, and let it slide (or give gentle, loving reminders) when they drop the ball, the happier we will all be.

But at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite... Insanity, I totally understand and your posts could have been written by me. (All of my post above is things I have been working HARD on for myself!) My BF and I had 7 great years together, 3 of them living together, and now have been LD for about a year. It is really, freaking, crazy, HARD. It's sort of like when you first move in together and have to establish a common "language" for things like chores. ("When I say, 'clean the bathroom,' I mean clean the toilet, scrub the shower, and scrub the sink, not just wipe off the counters.") There are a lot of fights not because of lack of feelings for each other, but because of misunderstandings. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care, just that you haven't found your "language" yet, so can't communicate your feelings well. I hope you do soon. And if I ever find out the secret magic solution, I will be SURE to let you all know!