how do i stop worrying for the worst?

[meldir]

well here I go again, I do apologize in advance for the whining.
I've endured 3 weeks without him now and theres another 12 ahead of me/us. I just cant seem to stop worrying. It totally wrecks my nerves. We usually talk everyday via skype and exchange each others work rota so we know whats happening etc, the thing is whenever he isnt online when he usually is I freak out with worry. And I'm not reasonable about it sadly. The worst things come to mind, like him having a terribly accident or him being annoyed with me (I do trust him, dont get me wrong, I do as much as I can manage but I get so very unreasonable when I worry.). It totally kills me and adds to my stress level a lot.
I have no idea how to stop, there probably isnt a solution for this cos its so fundamental for my personality and character. I'm quite annoyed with myself for doing it too and I can see it getting worse. I never usually worried for when he wasnt online before I met him last time. It's absolutely horrible, of course, as I'm typing this I am sick with worry for him too. I keep trying to keep myself busy, talk to friends and family and everything but I'm just never completely there. I'm starting to dread each day cos I can never be sure whats going to happen.
Does anyone have similar experiences or have I totally lost it?

[LadyMarchHare]

Ever looked into something called Cognitive Thinking? It's designed to help you control your thoughts, keeping them from getting out of hand like that, and making them more positive not only about yourself, but situations where things seem bad such as when you don't hear from your SO or miss him. You have to work hard at it and be ready to catch yourself when your thoughts start to sour, but I've known a lot of people who after even a few days of trying it feel a lot better and are enthusiastic about getting better at it.

Everyone's gonna worry to some degree and sometimes we worry ourselves into a hole too deep to climb out of until someone throws us a rope. It happens, we don't hear from them and we can't see them so basically any assumption has wiggle room in our heads to flesh out and canvas our thoughts. Cognitive Thinking is just one way to help stop these thoughts even if they do end up happening to some degree.

[meldir]

thanks so much for the suggestion, I will research it for sure! Right now I'm just plain freaked out.

[snow_girl]

Perhaps you could put something in place where IF something does happen he has a friend or family member that will call you to let you know. That way if you don't hear from him instead of freaking out you can safely assume that he is busy doing something else. No phone call, all is fine and dandy.

[meldir]

thanks very much for the lovely suggestions i know his parents and family and i know they would call me, but im horrible with worrying. i even worry when i worry that they will forget about telling me lol :/ how terrible can i possibly get :S

[Semperfikindoflove]

I think the thing you need to think about is that even if the worst did happen, what would you do? You couldn't do anything but cope so why worry in the first place? I know that's hard to do and maybe this is just a natural thing for me but he's fine. You just need to learn to handle the time you have alone without worrying. I went through a deployment, through boot camp, and through life or death situations with my exes and now with my current boyfriend, so maybe I shouldn't be giving advice on this. But I guess the way I look at it is, if you can't do anything about it, why worry? It will only make your life miserable. Stay positive because the negativity will really tear down your relationship. Good luck!

[Joyce:)]

i totally understand where you're coming from.
i'm just like you under this aspect.
aaand, i last saw him three weeks ago and will see him in 12 weeks again too.
it's normal in a way to worried, we are girls, we are paranoid people :P
and i hate feeling this way, it scares me so much sometimes

[snow_girl]

it's normal in a way to worried, we are girls, we are paranoid people :P

I am going to have to disagree with this comment. I rarely worry and have never had anything to be paranoid over. I would not group all girls into this category

[meldir]

thanks so much everyone for the advice, it means a lot! I guess I just have to grit my teeth and endure it, maybe/hopefully it will eventually subside with time! thanks so much

[Jonesonaboat]

I have the EXACT same problem and my paramedic boyfriend told me I should try getting some adavan to relax myself. So Friday I went to the doctors to ask about it and she gave me this website. It's what LadyMarchHare talked about, I haven't looked into it myself yet but I feel positive about it working. She said it's not something you can just glance over, you really have to put effort into it for it to work, but I mean, that's fine for us girls who are trying to keep busy in our LDR!

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/

[meldir]

thanks ever so much for that link! been trying to hunt it down on google last night w/o much luck! I'll definitely try it out!

[Tanja]

Have you told him that you worry so much that it's affecting your everyday life? Maybe if you did he could send a text or something to let you know he's ok when he's not online at a precise moment and you would feel better.

Also imagine if it was the other way around, when you're just hanging out with friends or family he'd be at home going crazy with worry that something bad has happened to you... I'm sure you wouldn't want him to feel that way.

[meldir]

oh hello and thanks for the lovely suggestions! my boyfriend is welsh too!
i have thought about asking him to text me but he hates mobiles.. he never uses it and its just lying there until the battery needs to be recharged. I dont want to freak him out or annoy him, I know I should be able to tell him and I know he would listen and understand too, but I'm too freaked out to constantly bother him. I dont know :/

[Tanja]

Welsh boyfriends are the best aren't they?

You will never stop worrying if you keep all of this to yourself. He should be willing to help you feel better by texting you, especially if his phone is free all the time.

It's not your place to apologize for worrying or hide your feelings - he is your boyfriend and you need to be 100% honest with him.
You're his partner, it's not your job to please him or not tell him what's going on just because you don't want to bother him.

[meldir]

they are! and the country is soooo lovely! i miss it so much
i know what you mean, i know he would understand too but i'm still not quite believing he loves me :P took me ages to tell him that i love him. and then it took ages for him to tell him he loves me too..
i'm constantly scared of doing something wrong. :S