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    #1

    Love you's missing.

    My SO and I have been in a relationship for over a year now. We are used to saying "I love you" to each other. Lately I've been having trouble saying it to him over the phone or with instant messaging. There are so many things going on in my head regarding the future with him. I'm a graduate student and he is still an undergrad for one more semester. He wants to move to a bigger city; which I agree with. But...I guess my issue is where I fit in with his future plans.

    We recently went on vacation to the West coast. The entire time he would say "I'm going to live here; in a bachelor pad." This dumb founded me because I thought our next step was to decide to move to the same city so that our LDR didn't have to continue with the distance. Bachelor pad though? I know that he doesn't want a cookie cutter relationship of dating for 2 years and then getting engaged and moving in and getting married the next year. I understand that. But, if he continues to tell me that being apart "sucks" then where am I in his future plans. He has asked me what I want to do in the future and honestly I have no clue. First of all I don't want to be in a different city then he is, and second I really don't know where I would be teaching in the future. I would like for him to ask me or talk to me about moving in together. Not so much a promise, but a reinsurance that we are meant to be together.

    So, in conclusion, I think that why I have so much trouble saying "I love you" lately so easily and naturally is because I have this view in the back of my mind that when you say that to someone they want to be with you and want to make a future together. The goal is marriage someday right? In my mind it is. So is it the lack of the cookie cutter relationship that I have problems with? Or is it the fact that I really don't know where I want to be in the future? I have this scene in my mind that it's him and me in a home, piecing together our future together. Lately that view has gotten grander and grander, but saying " I love you" means that I will get that with the person that I do love.

    Please don't get me wrong. I do Love him, but where am I in his future? Any advice about this, or comments to help me clear my head. Maybe I'm over analyzing this situation. Thanks for reading if you still are!
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    #2
    I think all of us think about things like that. I do not think you over analyzing and i think you should talk to him about these things

    Comment

      #3
      Perhaps you should express this concern to him as it's really a valid one. If he's talking about a bachelor pad and not even making vague plans to get you guys at least in the same state or city (even if you're not living together) then something isn't quite right. I can understand he's young and may want to do things his way for a while, but he can't keep you hanging in mid-air about where exactly you fit into his grand design, it's not fair to you. The ultimate goal of a LDR relationship is to no longer have it be LD and no amount of "Man this sucks" is going to cure that. I'm wondering if he thinks doing the whole moving in together thing would ultimately hinder him, like he thinks your presence there would slow him down or stop him from doing what he wants and living his life. If that's the case he doesn't really need to be in a relationship, he needs time to do him, do what he wants as an individual, and when he's ready to commit to someone else and settle down do that.

      If my guy was acting the same way I would be choosy about saying "I love you" because it's a sense of self-preservation. You're feeling an emotional distance being wedged between you by this uncertainty and naturally you don't want to invest the severity of those words if, in the end, it all goes to pot anyway. Would be like betting your mortgage when you know you have a losing hand.

      Comment

        #4
        I agree that you need to be straight forward with him. Don't expect him to pick up on hints. Ask him where you fit in with his future plans. Maybe he just wasn't thinking
        "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love " ~ Theodore Seuss Geisel.

        Comment

          #5
          Bachelor pad doesn't mean without you. It just means he doesn't want to LIVE with you. Are you not amenable to moving to the same city and you two having separate residences?

          Also, men say a lot of stuff they don't mean; he's probably just thinking out loud. Sure he thinks it would be great to live there in a bachelor pad. You can just nod your head and say "yes, dear". Doesn't mean he'd ever do it.

          However, if you think a discussion of your future is in order, you two should sit down and do it.


          When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

          True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words

          When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart.

          1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 194 countries, 50 states and 10 provinces...and I had the privilege to meet you.

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by BabyGund View Post
            Bachelor pad doesn't mean without you. It just means he doesn't want to LIVE with you. Are you not amenable to moving to the same city and you two having separate residences?

            Also, men say a lot of stuff they don't mean; he's probably just thinking out loud. Sure he thinks it would be great to live there in a bachelor pad. You can just nod your head and say "yes, dear". Doesn't mean he'd ever do it.

            However, if you think a discussion of your future is in order, you two should sit down and do it.
            You kinda make it sound like men don't think much at all. Everyone has a tendency to say stuff they don't mean or think out loud without really thinking about what they're saying, it's not limited to one gender.

            Comment

              #7
              Originally posted by LadyMarchHare View Post
              You kinda make it sound like men don't think much at all. Everyone has a tendency to say stuff they don't mean or think out loud without really thinking about what they're saying, it's not limited to one gender.
              Sure that's a generalization; a stereotype even. Thing about generalization and stereotypes is that they have some basis in truth. Because communication is so important to women, we tend to think more of what to say and how to say it before we open our mouths. Men don't necessarily run their ideas through the same filter.

              My point was that men and women communicate very differently. If I had a dollar for everytime one of my exes said he was going to do XYZ scheme or plan, I'd be retired in Barbados by now.

              And honestly Amber - why are you waiting on HIM to decide YOUR future? What is it that YOU want to do? You tell him you don't know, so maybe in his mind, he's off to make HIS plans and you'll just follow along? So scratch what I said earlier. You two DEFINITELY need to sit down and talk about your future.


              When we love, it isn't because the person's perfect, it's because we learn to see an imperfect person perfectly.

              True love does not worry about the distance between, for the heart and soul travels through one's words

              When two people are meant for each other, no time is too long, no distance is too far, and no one can ever tear them apart.

              1 universe, 9 planets, 7 continents, 194 countries, 50 states and 10 provinces...and I had the privilege to meet you.

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by BabyGund View Post
                Sure that's a generalization; a stereotype even. Thing about generalization and stereotypes is that they have some basis in truth. Because communication is so important to women, we tend to think more of what to say and how to say it before we open our mouths. Men don't necessarily run their ideas through the same filter.

                My point was that men and women communicate very differently. If I had a dollar for everytime one of my exes said he was going to do XYZ scheme or plan, I'd be retired in Barbados by now.

                And honestly Amber - why are you waiting on HIM to decide YOUR future? What is it that YOU want to do? You tell him you don't know, so maybe in his mind, he's off to make HIS plans and you'll just follow along? So scratch what I said earlier. You two DEFINITELY need to sit down and talk about your future.
                True, every stereotype has some foundation of truth to it and some even base their lives and personalities on said stereotypes. Just seemed a bit silly to bring it into the discussion though, sort of like excuse making I guess? "Oh he's a man, it's OK." Something like that, but I get that wasn't your intention. As for the saying/doing thing, I think it has more to do with the person actually having a brain in order to think about what they're saying before letting the words roll off their tongue. I've only had that problem with people too 'up in the moment' or dumb to use their squishy head meat. But I digress I'm getting off the subject unnecessarily.

                I agree, just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean one person gets the decision-making hat and the other person's on a leash like a dog. Equal partnership, equal responsibilities, equal decision making. Lord knows if I left my future up to other people I'd be in a hole in the ground by now. If you've got stuff you want to do, then by all means.

                Comment

                  #9
                  you know, i say this over and over and over again... but communication is the key here.

                  when somethings going on that you dont particularly like, or agree, you cannot keep your mouth shut and just swallow it, because what happens is, that you dont really swallow it.. it starts eating your brain and eventually it makes you think things like "he doesnt love me" etc.

                  So.. my suggestion, try to speak to him, not about marriage, give him time to approach you in that way... but talk to him about what he wants in his future with you. Does he want to have you in his life after his done with college? Would he like to at least move in the same city?? things like that.. but you definitely need to talk to him.

                  I understand tho, that talking these things can sometimes be scary, because what if he tells you something you dont want to hear. But the truth is, its better he tells you now, than 2 years later.

                  To me however, it might seems like he thinks he's too young to get married etc, so maybe thats why he said that. That doesnt mean however, that he's not interested in marrying you. Just.. not yet.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Thank you so much for the reminder that we are too young to get married. I do know that, but sometimes just wish he would not play games and just tell me that I am in the future, but its something that we need to talk about face to face and keep the word marriage out of maybe. I like how you ended your thought with "just...not yet" that does give me a better hope that it will happen, but we are not ready for it as a couple.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Not to play devil's advocate, but maybe these things aren't connected? To me, saying "I love you" doesn't hinge on the state of your relationship. I love my boyfriend whether we're getting along great or fighting like cats or dogs. Whether I like it or not, I love him. You not feeling so comfortable with saying that might not be related to this issue of the future. Maybe it is. As in all cases, this is a conversation you two need to have. If he wants to be with you like you want to be with him, he will be grateful to you for bringing it up.

                      Comment

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