He said that he's not physically attracted to me :(

[polkapiggy]

Last night, it was about 11.30pm here and i was just finishing up watching the film "precious" in which the main charecter is very large. Alex then made a comment in our conversation about how she must give great cuddles. Knowing that he has a thing for larger women, I let it pass and simply said "yeh, but i give AMAZING cuddles =) how come you like fat women anyways?" and his answer to that? "skinny women=meh. big women= lovely ^_^". I'm not like a full-on twig, but I still am quite skinny (5'8 and 120lbs) so obviously from his comment I can see that for him, I'm a "meh" which is pretty depressing, but I'm not going to put on weight just because he likes it. No offense, but I would despise being any larger than i am now. Of course, then he realises that he's upset me and tries to backtrack, but he made it even worse by telling me that i have a "great personality" and physically, well apparently im "adorable". Yeh, I'm not sexy, or beautiful, or even pretty...i'm "adorable".

At this point i just didn't want to speak to him anymore and it was pushing midnight and i just wanted to sleep, so i told him i was going and he told me not to, apparently we needed to "talk about it". Which just pissed me off even more because every time i've wanted to talk, he just closes up or goes and talks to his friends about it (which is actually the cause of another, bigger argument of ours) and in the end i just left and signed off because I couldn't think straight and at that point i honestly couldn't have cared less about him.

What's even worse is how he's always going on about how i should go jogging, or work out with him. And on wednesday, he made a six-pack comment about me. Mixed messages much?!

So its a half-query half-ramble here and I was just wondering what I should do? I'm just so depressed at the notion that he doesn't find me physically attractive, when plenty of guys I know in RL do. I think I have a pretty good body, after all I work out 3 times a week, and its just so depressing knowing he doesn't find that attractive. Im especially confused after his mixed messages. ugh, I just don't know what to do! If he doesn't like me in RL, then there's no point in continuing with out relationship!

[aggie]

hey, cheer up! while us girls would like to be perfect in every aspect for other guys, it never happens... but remember, he's still with you, and he's with you for a reason.
We tend to take those comments way too personally, and i know because T's comments like 'i like girls with long, long legs' when crearly im short made me cry for hours.... i never told him i was hurt, because i soon realised that we also look at other people, and even though we do not want to change anything about our SO, we think of someone's nice arms or legs or back or bum or whatever it is that drew your attention. We just DON'T tell the SO that (well... we can squeak when we see brad pitt on a screen, but we would never compare our SO to someone else we find attractive, right? because we would take it personally if someone did)... now, that im living with a male housemate, and that's all our relations are about... except we couldn't avoid discussing male-female issues, because as you all know i get quite paranoid, quite often, he REALLY helps me to understand the differences between males and females brains.

so i read that to my housemate, he firstly was like 'omg... how many times ... will women EVER get it?!'
i said: yeah, well... what do you think?
so he explained : even though a guy says directly to you skinny girls are meh, and that big women = lovely. you need to remember that since he is with you, you're out of the category. you're HIS woman. compared to no one. Youre one of a kind, very special and unique... If you weren't, the guy wouldn't be with you.

I thought id give you mine and my housemates perspective on that... If you want, you could talk to your SO, that it hurt you ... he'll probably apologise... and try to keep those comments to himself from now on.. but is it what you really want? Don't know about you, but with my control freak paranoia, i prefer knowing... even those kind of things.

So stay happy, and i hope you two will meet up soon, so you can really feel that hes attracted to you in every single way!

[William]

Trust me, as a girlfriend it is far better to be 'adorable' than 'sexy or hot'.
Sexy and hot is for pornstars; adorable is for your cute girlfriend.

Adorable for guys means like a mixture of cute, nice, pretty, sweet, etc.
It's a very big compliment to be called adorable, but many girls don't realize it because they have the false impression that it's all about being smokin' hot.
Cheer up; he loves how you look.

[Moon]

Don't worry about it so much, if he wanted a bigger girl, there are plenty enough out there, but he's with YOU. My guy says things from time to time that I know I take personally, but then realize later that it didn't really apply to me, he was just talking faster than he was thinking. That's not a bad thing though, it kinda shows that he's comfortable enough talking to you that he's not worried about analyzing everything first.

[Mio]

I understand why you are hurting, no one likes to hear things like this. I find it odd that after so long he didn't comment on your appearance until now. But well, it's true what the others said, there are physical traits that we like and our SO's don't have, but then this things come to a second place as they are not as important as the love you share together. Be happy, he is with you because he loves you!

[OneForTheRomance]

This is a strange situation.. usually you see women feeling like they need to loose weight for men. But good for you knowing that you are not going to change your body for him! As for the mixed messages, I think that is sounds like he just likes women in general, all sizes. Maybe him mentioning working out together just shows that he wants to spend some time doing something he likes with you ?

[Rach321]

Like everyone else said, I really wouldn't worry about it. I know it must be difficult since you haven't met in person yet, but my SO definitely doesn't find only one type of body attractive. He's dated women who are very, very thin and I'm petite but quite curvy. I imagine that he finds thinner women more attractive in general, but our chemistry and love makes it so that he loves all parts of my body, even the ones that I'd like to tone up!

So, it was probably him just sharing something that he thought after seeing the film. It doesn't mean that he's only attracted to bigger women. Especially if he's talked about working out with you, you having a 6-pack, etc. You are still quite young, so your body will likely become more womanly as you continue to develop, even if you don't gain any weight. If it still bothers you, try waiting a few days and then bringing up the conversation in a light-hearted, playful way. Like, "what do you find most attractive about me" His answer will probably be something other than physical, so keep asking for something physical. Don't push it if he gets defensive. But if it's really important to you, ask him sincerely and directly whether he finds you physically attractive. At this point, the fact that he is attracted to your personality and intellect to the point that he wants to be with you really should tell you a lot about how he feels about you

[Veiled_Dreamer]

My lover calls me adorable, I used to feel the exact same way. I was like, adorable? Am I five or something? But no, it's actually a really big compliment, it means something other than "I needed to say something to get you to not be mad at me."

I second the thing about you finding other people and physical traits attractive, people that aren't your SO and traits your SO doesn't have or doesn't have much of. There are certainly some things my SO doesn't possess that I find attractive, but somehow I still think he is the most attractive man alive today, and I am quite attracted to him even if he isn't what I had first envisioned as the "perfect man" physically. If he thought you were disgusting-looking, then your relationship would have probably suffered from it earlier than this, because a degree of physical attraction is an inherent part of romance. My SO does stuff like this too: "I saw the most gorgeous woman on the planet on the sidewalk today." What does that make me, chopped liver? You find someone else more attractive? But he's a guy, I guess they don't think like we do.

He probably just felt comfortable enough with you to share his feelings and didn't think of it in the same way you do. In addition to being his girlfriend, you're his best friend too. That doesn't mean he needs to be inconsiderate all the time and not take your feelings into special account, but I doubt he meant to. Talk to him about it, tell him it hurt you. I do this too, I internalize little things that are really much better out in the open, I think a lot of girls too. All in all, talking rarely if ever hurts, but it usually helps.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

I don't think he meant it quite like you took it. Like aggie said, you're his girlfriend you're in a whole category all by yourself. It just met in general he finds a larger woman more attractive than the skinny minnies. But overall, you're his girlfriend, you're HIS, you're the one who has stolen his heart and he has eyes only for you. But I do think you should let him know that while he may not have meant anything by those comments, they did bother you and let him know how they made you feel.

[MadMolly]

I can relate! My guy is into skinny blonde chicks and I'm super curvy, somewhat big, dark haired... I always wonder what he sees in me! But then he said I'm his woman so I am excluded from categories or something... confused me a bit but ok I'll take that!

[Bluestars]

I never thought about this topic this way, and it makes me feel a lot better. My boyfriend has mentioned that he likes brunettes better than blonds, so I immediately assumed he doesn't think I am attractive. However, luckily that isn't the case

[JoMarie]

I wouldn't stress over it. I know that hearing something form your SO like that hurts. As others have said, he is with you. He made that decision and has been with you for a while, and he knows what you look like. He loves you for you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, he may normally choose someone bigger, but you are who he picked now.

[Gurl]

I've been following this for a while. I am amazed to see the problem reversed so to speak but hate that anyone is feels badly because they are at a healthy weight for themselves.

My two cents: You must have an awesome personality and a wickedly good connection (things in common, etc) for him to want to be with someone who isn't his stereotypical pick for a beautiful woman. He must see both your inner and outer beauty, which is a blessing beyond belief. This way, when your old saggy and wrinkly... he will still see that hot chick he's been with for years, not the wrinkles etc!

[Alisz]

Like everyone's said, don't worry yourself over it. Us women tend to over analyze ^^;; Even when we try not to, it's like ingrained in our DNA. And of course, guys tend to not and don't understand when their comments or actions get taken the wrong way. Ah, gender differences. :P My boyfriend has told me on a few occasions something that I think is very sweet and I think rings true for a lot of LDRs because it takes a lot of commitment to be with someone without actually being with them. He's told me that looks aren't that important to him because they change as we get older. What's important to him is my personality and that we get along and have fun together. That in the long run things like that matter more than how I look to him. ^^ I mean, he's still a guy, so he is attracted to me physically or else we wouldn't be in a relationship. ^^;; The same probably applies to your guy. Or even all guys looking for a serious relationship. On a somewhat related note, I've noticed that there are a lot of guys who find their girlfriends more attractive when they're lounging around the house in their sweats with no makeup on hehe

What's even worse is how he's always going on about how i should go jogging, or work out with him. And on wednesday, he made a six-pack comment about me. Mixed messages much?!

To me this reads more that he more desires to do an activity with you, rather than think you need to get in better shape. I'm not sure about the 6-pack comment because it's kinda vague. ^^;; It could've been more of a joke or light hearted poke at how often you workout (you mentioned it was 3 times a week).

[polkapiggy]

Thanks for all the comments, ideas and support guys. I realise now that I totally blew the whole thing out of proportion. I'm quite insecure and just the smallest of things people say can be a big knock to my confidence. I've mentioned it in the very long email i sent him yesterday (because we aren't really talking thanks to a huge argument we've had which i totally regret). I'm going to talk to him when I can and apologise. I just didn't realise that the comments weren't really directed at me, but just his view in general. I was extremely tired and emotional at the time. I see now that there really isn't any reason to get so worked up about it.

I've noticed that there are a lot of guys who find their girlfriends more attractive when they're lounging around the house in their sweats with no makeup on hehe

Haha, he's always asking me to go on webcam without doing my makeup or hair =P

m not sure about the 6-pack comment because it's kinda vague. ^^;; It could've been more of a joke or light hearted poke at how often you workout (you mentioned it was 3 times a week).

Yeah I realise know that it was just a joke =P