Starting an LDR, already worried

[iluvatar]

Hello everyone,
I want some advice from those of you that have this kind of relationship and they're making it work.

I'll tell you my story:
I don't have any relationship yet. I've met a girl on chat who lives about 600 miles far from me (another country, speaking a language i don't know, we talk in english mostly). I wasn't looking for a girlfriend, especially on chat. This happened about one week ago.
We started to talk, we sent pictures and we found we really like each other.
It was a problem for me at the start: she lives far from me, she's still young and is 8 years younger than me, but nevertheless caution was not enough and i got a crush on her. You can't anticipate that i suppose. And from what i get the thing is mutual.
Now I can't think about anything but her and I'm kinda paralized on everything else.


But two days ago, after talking with a friend, she told me she's scared and she doesn't think anymore it's a good idea to meet each other. I'm ready to make many sacrifices for her, despite work and studies, but it looks like she can't settle for any compromise (supposing we fall in love for each other). I asked her yesterday (we're using messenger and email) if we had a relationship how much should we see each other at least in her opinion, and she told me 3 days a week at least, because she wouldn't stand the idea of seeing other couples while she'd be alone. Believe me: i'd love to see her every day, but it's impossible for me.
At least at the moment and in the next few years (2 and a half to be precise), because i have to work in order to have the money to go there (and work is mostly on weekends) and i have to justify absence during my studies for the rest of the week. I was ready to visit her once a month, and - if i can - twice, and on holidays, but now i think it won't be enough.

I really like her, but now I don't know if i'll make it work. I want suggestions (but i still think i won't listen to them because I'll try anything I can for her, I'm bloody stubborn). Should i go for it? Stop it right here?
Thank you all, readers

[meldir]

Oh I can understand your doubts and also your reasons! I dont think anybody would suggest to stop it. She obviously means a lot to you already but its important that she puts effort into it as well! If you would visit her once a month, thats about as good as it gets when it comes to LDR! Most people on here dont even see each other every 3 months let alone every month. I think you need to talk it through with her. Of course its still early days relationship wise and you dont want to talk serious in case you freak her out and vice versa, but you should try and delicately bring it up. Maybe she's just as worried about long distance as you and thats the reason why she thinks its not a good idea? I suggest you have a browse on this website and look at the many great examples for whose its working very well! Either way I sincerely wish you all the best!

[xopookie]

Hmm, what country is she from?! If she's from a Latin country, it might be really hard because they're really touchy, feely, and very passionate people. So the whole long distance thing might be tough for her. I think you should give it a try because with a lot of girls what they say is the opposite of how they feel. Like "I'm fine" aka "Baby, come comfort me and ask me how I feel!!" So I think you should give it a try, but communicate through love letters and postcards .

[iluvatar]

I'm the one from a "latin" country (but I wouldn't fit in that description, or at least i think so )
She's from eastern europe. I know that most people in an LDR can't even see each other in a bunch of months, that's why I'm so discouraged about what she told me

[meldir]

I'm sure she's concerned about the exact same things as you, it can be frightening at first but it really subsides once youve met in person! You should try and talk it through with her! Its always worth a try

[iluvatar]

Thank you meldir. I'm trying, but she doesn't help me.
Besides she has been in a bad mood in the last two days (with anybody, she told me) and it's really difficult to talk her into anything. And depression is one thing i fear most, because it shows her I can't be there when she needs me.

[LadyMarchHare]

If you're going to be in a relationship you both have to think realistically. If you can afford frequent visits then that's fine, but the majority of people here can't. I'm 623 miles in the same country away from my boyfriend and I was only able to afford seeing him once after a year had gone by in our relationship. Lord knows when we'd see each other again. There's gonna be a chance that you will have weeks, months, maybe a year between visits because that stuff adds up pretty quickly. You're going to also have to deal with a lot of negative emotions regarding missing each other, not having physical contact, BS said by family or friends, etc. If she's resisting you can't force it on her and chances are she could end up miserable. I'm not saying that will definitely happen, but if she's that much younger than you she has more of certain pressures than you do as well as different circumstances and understandings of how the world goes.

Communication's probably one of the most important elements to a long distance relationship and if she holds back and refuses to talk to you, then you're gonna have a bumpy relationship. Then again if you guys have known each other only a week I can see why, I wouldn't be telling my life story to someone I've only known for 7 days. Maybe you ought to try to get to know each other better first before jumping into the relationship pool. A week's not exactly the best amount of time to confirm compatibility.

[Joyce:)]

Hmm, what country is she from?! If she's from a Latin country, it might be really hard because they're really touchy, feely, and very passionate people. So the whole long distance thing might be tough for her. I think you should give it a try because with a lot of girls what they say is the opposite of how they feel. Like "I'm fine" aka "Baby, come comfort me and ask me how I feel!!" So I think you should give it a try, but communicate through love letters and postcards .

I am italian, so i'm very touchy feely, but i guess i can compensate by hanging out with my friends, and still coping with my long distance relationship. but o guess you do have a point

[Deleted Account]

when me and john met, niether of us were looking for a relationship.. things just kinda happened... it was an awesome summer of talking to him the whole day, which led to us falling very much in love with each other by the end of july...

we are on the same time zone, fortunately, but in different countries. And when i realized that this was evolving to a long distance relationship, i made sure that he knew what all this would entail, and if he was really sure he wanted to do this. Im from a latin country, and i am more touchy feely passionate, fortunately, he is too.. but in order for us to consolidate our relationship, i needed him to promise me that he was going to come and visit me. Which he did.

he has come 3 times, and on his second time we got engaged. Now im waiting for the 4th time, when we'll get married.

we're both finishing college in june, so i understand how u feel about not being able to see her every weekend.. but try to look forward to spring break, holy weeks (thats coming up within a week), vacations, etc..

you will find in this website, that there are a lot of ways to keep in contact with some1 who is far away from you, and things to do to help you cope with the distance. All that matters is that both of you feel like this is something thats totally worth it.

[iluvatar]

You're going to also have to deal with a lot of negative emotions regarding missing each other, not having physical contact, BS said by family or friends, etc.

I know a week is nothing for getting to know another person. I can rationalize what you said, i really do, but at this stage I'm too emotionally involved and I can't help it.
BS from her "best" friend contributed mostly to the actual change of mind, and her sudden change of mood added to that. I think she knows that I'm ready to do anything to make it work, so she puts higher stakes to justify (not to me) her reticence. You have all the right to say that maybe we're not compatible, but even if so now i'm besotted (don't know if it's the correct translation, in italy we have an expression for someone who becomes suddenly apathic and ******)

Communication's probably one of the most important elements to a long distance relationship and if she holds back and refuses to talk to you, then you're gonna have a bumpy relationship.

You're right. And I think she's already trying to space me out.

@Angelmichu
We're on the same time zone too.

Please excuse my horrible english.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm not saying your feelings aren't valid, there are people that fall head-over-heels pretty quickly or at first sight, but you have to remember she's not in the same emotional boat you are and so you can't expect things to progress quickly or the way you might want them to, you know? You have to make the effort to slow things down for her benefit, especially if she has a friend that's saying things to have her pull away from you and demand impossible things from you. Again, you guys barely know each other. You may be heavily invested in her and a future relationship, but it's obvious she isn't and there is a chance she may never be. But that's between the two of you and you guys need to talk it out as for where you stand with each other and where you both want to take this. If you're not on the same page, you're going to just get a headache.

[iluvatar]

Now I'm just feeling a stomachache.
She talked to me some minutes ago.
She said she didn't want to have a distant relationship. And she felt bad for what was going to tell me. I knew it from the second she talked to me.

She said that she still likes me, but she could be at most a friend, and it didn't matter what I said. I know you can't talk logic in these things. She has sudden changes of mood, but I doubt that being her in a good mood will change things, she tried to be as definitive as she could.

I feel like a fool for feeling such emotions and pain for a person I've known for a week. I had so much trouble entering again in the idea of a relationship, and now I'll have the same troubles again trusting someone. I don't know if I can do anything about it to make her change her mind, I feel I'll just make things worse and pathetic.
I suppose we could still talk, and maybe meet. But I can't think of her as a friend at this point, so is it worth it? For my health and my happiness I don't think so.

[luna_banana]

I'm so sorry to hear that
I think it would maybe be better if you took a break from her for a little bit, so both of you can get your emotions in check. Who knows? Maybe sometime in the future you two will be able to pursue a relationship again.

[LadyMarchHare]

Now I'm just feeling a stomachache.
She talked to me some minutes ago.
She said she didn't want to have a distant relationship. And she felt bad for what was going to tell me. I knew it from the second she talked to me.

She said that she still likes me, but she could be at most a friend, and it didn't matter what I said. I know you can't talk logic in these things. She has sudden changes of mood, but I doubt that being her in a good mood will change things, she tried to be as definitive as she could.

I feel like a fool for feeling such emotions and pain for a person I've known for a week. I had so much trouble entering again in the idea of a relationship, and now I'll have the same troubles again trusting someone. I don't know if I can do anything about it to make her change her mind, I feel I'll just make things worse and pathetic.
I suppose we could still talk, and maybe meet. But I can't think of her as a friend at this point, so is it worth it? For my health and my happiness I don't think so.

Like luna_banana said, it's probably a good idea to take a break from her. Don't talk to her, don't respond to messages she sends, just put some distance between you so that you have time to calm down and think better. You're not a fool for feeling the way you do, you have to be honest with your feelings, but at the same time she was being honest with hers regardless of whether or not they were influenced by other people. If you think you can maintain a friendship without your feelings making things awkward, then do that. Otherwise it may be best to move on.

[iluvatar]

I don't think so. I'm having a lot of trouble right now (and I suppose for a while in the near future) metabolizing what just happened.
I can't stand being hurt twice. And I think that even if she retraces her step (I don't think at all she will), at the first mood swing I'd be the one left in pieces.


And luckily for me other bad news about my personal life just added to this one
I am on a roll!
Anyway thanks to both of you for reading my whining and giving your insight.