What have I done? >.>

[Veiled_Dreamer]

Long story short: my SO and I had something going a while ago; I stepped out of his life; I stepped back into it many many many months later; and I generally complicated things. We were together, but we weren't; we were lovers, but I wasn't necessarily his only. His ex was and is still very much in love with him, and though he fell out of love with her and broke up with her, he was still giving her an idle chance and being too unwilling to crush her hopes. It got to be too much drama: him not even able to really tell her about me; her hating me for even "like-liking" him; my SO generally not willing to tell her about us for fear of hurting her fragile feelings.

So I left.

We were going to not talk for two months, but over the days that we had absolutely no contact, I did a lot of thinking. Instead of letting everything fester, I decided to talk to him to finally settle things and get everything off our collective chest. It felt very different from the start. I established that this wasn't me coming back to him, admitting I couldn't live without him or anything like that. This was me trying to be friends or whatever, settle things once and for all. He and his ex, they were long distance too, and they had been casually *kissing* goodnight after I left. This means something, since technically our kisses are all cyber-y too. I was shocked, but I shouldn't have been. This girl, she hates my guts with an undying, fiery passion. Really, in her mind it was the only logical thing to do to move in on him when he was weakened by my leaving.

He had since decided she was really too immature for a serious relationship: her mindset was that it was whatever she could do to get him to date her, not whatever she could do to make him happy and be happy herself in the doing. We talked, and we were both interested in an exclusive relationship. He said that if it was up to him, he would end up with me after all of this was over, and I told him his constant obsession with making everyone happy was (edit: bad for him. Wow, I thought I finished that sentence. XD).

He told her everything- how he is with me, not her. He risked his friendship with her, and he does somehow value that, despite all of this. There were no holds barred. He explained to her they could not kiss goodnight anymore, and stuck with his decision even after she told him to "fuck his morals" (it's sickening, her perspective- she has a trophy boyfriend, and he nearly cried when he realized what they made him. The same man that has not cried in years, except when I left him.) and go on with it. She tried to convince him he was stupid to be with me, and he stood by it. Basically, he endured this for an hours long conversation, and got it in her head that he was with me now, even if she made it known how much she hated him doing this.

We're now in a 100% exclusive... romantic inclination? relationship? something? I am so used to walking on egg shells when using words to classify us that I don't even know what to say. He is my lover, and I think this is working for us so far. It feels different. It's more relaxed. There isn't the constant feeling of going behind his ex's back, or the fear of losing him, or the question of what we are to each other. It's just us. I kind of like it.

Now, the question. How stupid am I? I know some of you will think I am, and please be honest. Any advice, tips, anything? >.>

[OneForTheRomance]

Good for you for making your feelings known. You shouldn't have to put up with him entertaining the feelings of another women when you were supposed to be in a relationship. But like you said, he proved that you are more important to him, even though it took you leaving for him to realise that.

It does sound like you like where your relationship is. Feeling relaxed and having a good time is what I believe to be the ideal relationship. Before marriage, that is pretty much the whole point of a relationship, to enjoy each others company. Just make sure that it is clear to him that you want to be exclusive and that something like this again, will not be tolerated. Seems like he got the hint before though.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

We are totally exclusive now. As in, we can hang out with other guys/girls but not date/kiss/whatever them. We had kind of an "understanding" before, but definitely not the actual word and "requirements", so to speak. So yeah, I am very happy we are legit now.

[Gurl]

*jealous* Well done. Though it wasn't necessiarly the result you were after, you did the right thing to clear the air. And it led to you having what you wanted and what you deserve! You go girl... and stick to your guns if he gets stupid (which I hope he won't and doubt will happen).

[Veiled_Dreamer]

You've been with me through this from the very beginning, I know you know how hard this has been on me and what a shocker it was that he actually stepped up to the plate.

Your opinion means a lot to me, so you don't think this was a mistake?

[JoMarie]

It was really good of you to get things of your chest, and it seems to me you allowed him to get things of his. Look at it this way, it worked out in your favor! Congrats on your surprise.

[Gurl]

As long as it is real, and it makes you both happy..no love is never a mistake. Sometimes it doesn't last, but never ever ever is it a mistake. For your sake I hope he is being real this time and will keep it up. Its easy to change for a day, a week, a month. Keeping it up for a life time can be hard. Best wishes hun!

[Veiled_Dreamer]

It feels very different, almost scary so much so.... Usually, I would get really excited when he would tell me "Goodnight, my Jenna." but now he says things that imply "ownership" (that sounds awful XD) all the time. I did pretty bad at a dance competition last weekend, and I was kind of bummed, so I said something about being a miserable loser. "But you're my miserable loser." It makes everything seem better, you know? I asked him playfully if he was happy to be mine, and he said he was "ecstatic." He's trying so hard in so many ways. He's a martial artist, so he tinkered with a foot binding technique for like half an hour to help me with an issue of mine in dance class. He, a macho black belt guy who stands nine inches taller than me and weighs twice as much as I do, watched the movie Pride and Prejudice with me. It's hilarious, but it's a nice feeling. As long as it's a nice feeling, I think it's alright. =]

[folclor]

I don't think you're stupid. At least he manned up and did what he needed to. I wish you good luck and all the happiness in the world. ^^

[Darth_Taco]

If you wanted an exclusive relationship, then you deserve one. You did the right thing by telling him that. Thankfully, he wanted the same thing :P. I think finally getting both of your feelings out in the open will result in less problems. It always has when I spoke up in general XP. Sometimes more fights instead, but I'm surrounded by idiots @_@. Oh well, hopefully that's not your case :'D! Sadly, he did fuck up for a while so I suggest keeping him on some sort of probation for a while. It's what I did with my boyfriend after the dumbass told me he rarely ever showered, even when we were having sex D:<! (he gave me an infection ;_;...) He made it up to me though and now showers :'D. Considering what your lover has already done for you, I personally think he's already proven himself to be a good guy. It's up to you of course.

If his friendship with his ex is dead over this, he's so much better off. It's going to hurt like hell for a while, but he'll eventually feel better. I bet you at some point he'll think "What the hell was I thinking trying to have any kind of a relationship with a crazy bitch like that?" If he's still friends with her...he still chose you over her. Hopefully she'll calm the hell down and stop being the stereotype crazy ex. I'll gladly help with a restraining order if he needs it ;D.

Oh, and don't worry about titles. Call him whatever you feel comfortable with. If you'd rather call him your lover than your boyfriend then go for it. I call mine my wife sometimes :P.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

No, she still is in love with him. x.x I feel bad for her... wouldn't you WANT to get over a guy who, from her perspective, possibly lied to her and ran off with a random other girl, whom you think is shallow and ugly? O.o But still, she fans pages on Facebook about not giving up and yada yada yada. I'm glad I have his word and I also don't have her blog URL anymore, otherwise I'd feel REALLY paranoid.

Yeah. It's just a dramatic change, you have no idea. He takes every opportunity to say I'm his and such, he's consciously trying on the cuteness factor. I used to feel like I couldn't say things for fear of him saying it made him uncomfortable. The day we were exclusive I asked about what our anniversary would be, kind of scared if that was "too much" for him. We were talking, me a little worried, about what we would consider "the beginning." He said, "you know what, we don't even need to worry about all these ups and downs and break ups" and I seriously so afraid he was going to say forget it all, exclusiveness was too much. But no! He said he wanted to count from the very beginning, from our past romantic inclination. And I was like, wow. XD I don't have to be paranoid about being overbearing anymore. In the end, we just decided that the only anniversary we will have is our wedding anniversary if we get married, because we can't remember any other dates. XD

Thank you for saying that. I was a little worried that the fact that boyfriend/girlfriend makes me feel a little uncomfortable was bad. I don't know why: it's not the idea of not being able to randomly make out with anyone, it's just the words themselves. I am MUCH MUCH more comfortable being his one and only lover than his... girlfriend. =S Not hating on people that use those words, I know some very strong couples that do, they just don't fit for us for whatever reason.

[Mio]

Best wishes!