Dealing With Unsupportive/Jealous Friend

[Sierra]

One of my "best friends" has been extremely unsupportive of my potential starting a relationship with my now boyfriend for the entirety of my entertaining this thought...It's been hard for me, because she's been supportive of UNHEALTHY relationships in the past (including one LDR), and finally I met a man who treats me kindly, with respect, and makes me laugh, yet she points out all the things that are potentially wrong.

He sent me an amazing Valentine's Day gift which is PERFECT for me and when I told her, she said 'That's it?'. I was amazed he did anything for me in the first place because we weren't a couple ...

Anyhow, I met my now boyfriend for the first time over the weekend and my friend and I got into an argument the day before he came, and didn't talk for the time he was here. When he left I called her, hoping we could put the argument aside and she could be a supportive friend and I could share my news with her - but nope, all she wanted to do when she finally picked up the phone was argue and insult me (after I apologized for what we were arguing about).

I told her I was upset with her because of this - I obviously had news to share (I mean she's supposed to be one of my 'best friends' it's not like she didn't know he was coming and thought I'd have nothing to share when he left), and she told me I can't expect her to be psychic. Ok, I agree, but is it unreasonable to expect your good friend to be there for you or to expect you to have something share after an eventful, much anticipated weekend like that?

I told her to cool off and when she did, call me and she hasn't called to be honest, every day that passes I get more and more pissed that she won't let me share my news.

In the back of my mind, I think it's because she's jealous. She's not in an ideal relationship right now, and I think it upsets her to see me possibly in a good one.

Someone please give me some feedback or help me screw my head back on straight.

[Deleted Account]

well i agree with you.. it seems that she's just jealous.. she's not acting reasonably...

i would say confront her but im not sure if thats the right course of action with her since she's already a bit mad at you. maybe telling her you miss her and that you want your friend back?

[Sierra]

That's really what I want to do, I WANT to share this with her because she's my good friend. But at the same time, I don't want her to have a major attitude when I do it because that hurts me.

I don't want to argue anymore, and I told her that but she just ... won't give up. If she doesn't talk to me by the end of the week, I think I'll say something like I do miss my friend, but at the same time it's not easy to not be mad that she won't be there for me right now and I'm not sure I can keep my disappointment in her attitude to myself.

[jenny_ell]

i have a friend almost exactly like this, the thing is, i don't think my friend is jealous, she is just being a bitch! i guess i shouldn't call her a friend anymore because the way she has been acting has made me want to break my friendship with her.

when i came back from vacation abroad last year and informed my friends of a guy i met and a LDR, one friend in particular scoffed at me behind my back "long distance relationships don't work. thats so stupid" ...she said that to a few of our mutual friends, and they told me. i brushed it off and hoped she'd come around, but while my boyfriend was visiting a few months ago, we attended a get together at her house and she barely spoke to him, she didnt even introduce herself to him or take time to talk to him or get to know him. she never asks about him either, and basically acts like he doesn't even exist. i have been friends with her for about ten years....and i am completely nice to her boyfriend, i have hung out with him, helped him plan surprise parties for her, ect. so it is kind of sad and hurts me how she has been treating my relationship like its a joke. my relationship means to much to me for her to act like that and i am willing to lose her as a friend if she cannot be supportive.

i would say that your true friends will be completely supportive no matter what. to me, these kind of things show who is really a true friend and who isn't.

from what it sounds, maybe your friend is jealous that this new guy is going to take her place? maybe she feels you will be spending a lot more time with this guy/talking to him/investing in the relationship and maybe she feels like she is going to lose time with you. which is probably not the case, but some people just get very defensive and jealous right away!

good luck!

[Sierra]

i have a friend almost exactly like this, the thing is, i don't think my friend is jealous, she is just being a bitch! i guess i shouldn't call her a friend anymore because the way she has been acting has made me want to break my friendship with her.

when i came back from vacation abroad last year and informed my friends of a guy i met and a LDR, one friend in particular scoffed at me behind my back "long distance relationships don't work. thats so stupid" ...she said that to a few of our mutual friends, and they told me. i brushed it off and hoped she'd come around, but while my boyfriend was visiting a few months ago, we attended a get together at her house and she barely spoke to him, she didnt even introduce herself to him or take time to talk to him or get to know him. she never asks about him either, and basically acts like he doesn't even exist. i have been friends with her for about ten years....and i am completely nice to her boyfriend, i have hung out with him, helped him plan surprise parties for her, ect

i would say that your true friends will be completely supportive no matter what.

from what it sounds, maybe your friend is jealous that this new guy is going to take her place? maybe she feels you will be spending a lot more time with this guy/talking to him/investing in the relationship and maybe she feels like she is going to lose time with you. which is probably not the case, but some people just get very defensive and jealous right away!

good luck!

The friend in question for me right now is in a LDR herself, but when I brought me and my boyfriend she would always point out what she viewed as negative aspects of the dynamics we share. The funny thing is, it only made me realize how perfect he is and how happy I am I found him and get this opportunity. I've called her out on her negativity and she's said that she doesn't want to sugar coat things, we'll there's a difference between sugarcoating and being a bitch and just using not sugarcoating as an excuse. I feel like she's always trying to one up her relationship on mine which has JUST started and I'm not trying to do that.

I've been a good friend to her, especially regarding her relationship which is far from ideal. I've been there for her when she needs to cry, vent and to celebrate the good times as well. However, she can't be there to celebrate the thing I've wanted more than anything for the last year? That's not a good friend.

Unlike you're friend (who really does just sound like she's being a bitch), my friend really wanted to meet my boyfriend. I told her that's ridiculous, the first time he and I meet it should be just us, and I feel the need to protect him from her. I don't know the kinds of questions that she's ask with the excuse of 'she just has my best intentions at heart' because in my heart, I think she'll do anything to drive him away.

I do think you've struck something with the maybe she's worried he'll take her place. She's expressed to me that she's worried that he'll physically take me away from her by my willingness to move to where he lives. I've tried to tell her that I will always be here friend no matter where I live and this shouldn't really be a concern for her. I don't know that this relationship will weather the storm (while in my heart I believe it will), but I won't let a friendship stand in the way of me finding true love and happiness.

So how have you managed your friendship with this person in your life? When she first started acting this way did you confront her about it?

[LadyMarchHare]

I was in that exact same position last year with my now ex-best friend. She was in four LDRs herself while I'd never dated before and, looking back, I think I was that dumpy friend who was there to make her look good. At first she was super supportive of us, but she refused to talk to my guy, saying she was scared of him. Then out of nowhere she began looking for a guy herself, harassing cute coworkers to go on dates, flirting heavily with customers (she works at a movie theater, you can imagine the types of guys coming in and actually playing along) and at one point bragged she'd been offered random sex by a stranger she'd known only an hour. In the broom closet.

She then started telling me my guy was only in it for my virginity, that he'd rape me, let his friends rape me, and then kill me or throw me onto the streets of a foreign city with nothing. She also accused him of making me stupid and weak. In the end she was jealous because I had someone in my life without even trying and she couldn't get a man even though she was practically popping her goods out her top around every man. Her entire motive was to break us up so that I wasn't happier than her.

Some friends retain a bit of the green-eyed monster for silly things like money, clothes, and even boyfriends but when they begin acting rudely or even cruelly to you because of it, my opinion is they need to be thrown to the curb because if they can't have enough respect for you to be happy for you, you don't need to give them any respect by being their friend. I can understand she's scared to lose you to some guy, but she doesn't need to act mean about it. At this rate she'd be the reason you leave her behind, not him. She needs to understand you are capable of caring about a guy and her at the same time and that there doesn't have to be an ultimatum of who to choose over the other.

[Sierra]

I was in that exact same position last year with my now ex-best friend. She was in four LDRs herself while I'd never dated before and, looking back, I think I was that dumpy friend who was there to make her look good. At first she was super supportive of us, but she refused to talk to my guy, saying she was scared of him. Then out of nowhere she began looking for a guy herself, harassing cute coworkers to go on dates, flirting heavily with customers (she works at a movie theater, you can imagine the types of guys coming in and actually playing along) and at one point bragged she'd been offered random sex by a stranger she'd known only an hour. In the broom closet.

She then started telling me my guy was only in it for my virginity, that he'd rape me, let his friends rape me, and then kill me or throw me onto the streets of a foreign city with nothing. She also accused him of making me stupid and weak. In the end she was jealous because I had someone in my life without even trying and she couldn't get a man even though she was practically popping her goods out her top around every man. Her entire motive was to break us up so that I wasn't happier than her.

Some friends retain a bit of the green-eyed monster for silly things like money, clothes, and even boyfriends but when they begin acting rudely or even cruelly to you because of it, my opinion is they need to be thrown to the curb because if they can't have enough respect for you to be happy for you, you don't need to give them any respect by being their friend. I can understand she's scared to lose you to some guy, but she doesn't need to act mean about it. At this rate she'd be the reason you leave her behind, not him. She needs to understand you are capable of caring about a guy and her at the same time and that there doesn't have to be an ultimatum of who to choose over the other.

This is horrible! I'm sorry that you had to go through this.

Thank you for your advice.

[13000km]

I wrote a blog about this recently. On one hand you have the best friend who you've spent many years side-by-side with. On the other hand you have an amazing boyfriend who is good for you. For the best friend, the choice might be obvious because she's been a constant for years and you swore to each other that no boy would come between you. For the boyfriend, what's he going to do? He can't make her like him because she has made up her mind before they even met. I guess the choice I made is to not let the best friend hold me back from going after what I want because the role of the best friend is supposed to be supportive...i think.

I don't reall have any advice to give except to tell her that you still love her and want her as a friend. But this guy is going to be a part of your life now and you might want to share what's going on in your relationship just like you've done with everything else.

[Sierra]

I really don't understand why there has to be a choice, and how she can turn her back on me when I FINALLY have something to share in my life as well. I'm there for her constantly.

It really upsets me that she's turned her back and it's getting harder and harder to think about forgiving her for doing so. To be honest, I feel like she's punishing me for being happy and I'm just about over it. What also upsets me is that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, that I can't bring up how I'm feeling and why without this being twisted into being my fault. I did tell her to call me when she's ready, she DID ask me if I had something to share - and I didn't share - but that's because she had such a major attitude towards me about it. Why would I want to share "___ and I are finally official!" to get a "that's nice" with an attitude?

The sad thing is, everyone I've talked to says I'm not overreacting at all, that she's not that good of a friend to start with but I have so few friends to start with it's hard to let another one go. And for once in my life I feel like I do want to stand up and fight for this, and not back down. She knows how important my boyfriend was to be me before he came out here, and now she's ignoring me completely.

I would never do that to her. Ever.

Thanks for all the advice everyone, and for letting me vent.

[LadyMarchHare]

It's easier on you in the long run to let go of an unsupportive, jealous friend and have one less friend than to keep someone around who you have to watch what you say, how you act, and walk on pins and needles to keep them happy instead of having the freedom to share your happiness with them. It's the same in any relationship whether it's a friendship or dating. You wouldn't be with someone who mistreats you, doesn't seem to care, and who makes no effort to reciprocate all the effort you put into them. It's blatant disrespect.

That's her problem that she feels threatened or feels this guy is going to take her place in your life, but it's also her problem when it's her fault that he does. You can't control her behavior, you can't make an intentionally blind person see. If she can't settle down and be happy for you then she doesn't need to be in your life enough or at all to rain on your parade. I know to some it seems like choosing the guy over a friend, but if she's acting this way about one issue, who's to say she wouldn't cop the same attitude about something else down the road that would lead to the same end? In my case I was already struggling with the thought of letting go of the last friend I had that wasn't online, but her attitude towards my relationship was the straw that broke the camel's back, especially when she used every opportunity to put thoughts in my head to try and sabotage us. She had become a bad person and my new situation had just brought it all to the surface.

[Sierra]

Well I sent her a nice long email basically saying how I feel. She's on her way to Maryland now so I don't really expect to hear back from her until the weekend, but I couldn't put it anymore plainly than I did. I guess from here her response will dictate whether or not we are able to remain friends.

I said I felt as though she's pushing me away because she's afraid my relationship will take me from her, and very bluntly asked why she isn't the least bit curious about how my weekend with my boyfriend went.

Now all I can do is wait.

[Sierra]

Just thought I'd update ....

She called me today but didn't ask a single thing about my boyfriend and I but she was very friendly. I'm not sure how I feel about it.

[LadyMarchHare]

That can be a double-edged sword. If you guys get along well when that certain subject is not brought up then perhaps over time it can be fixed and the friendship can be saved. At the same time it's frustrating because as your friend, you want her to be there for you with anything, including the subject of your boyfriend. I suppose when she comes back you could try to have a better talk with her about it in person.

[BabyGund]

Yeah I blogged about one friend who was being very unsupportive to the point it was driving me crazy and making me rethink my relationship with The Boy. She simply is very bitter over men and relationships right now. So although she is not an ex-friend, she does not command as much of my time as she used to.

ETA: You know what? I just realized she deleted me from her Facebook page. Eh good riddance I say.

[Sierra]

It's really sad to me to read all these stories of unsupportive friends. I thought that relationships weren't supposed to get in the way of friendships.
I would understand if we were all in unhealthy relationships, but from what I've read on this board it doesn't seem like many of us are, so why the lack of support?

Sad if you ask me.


I'm just going to see when/if she brings it up, if she doesn't bring it up then perhaps it's just not a subject we can talk about. BUTTTT it was nice to just hear from her today, I'm not going to lie.