Some of you have already been married and have children and may look at your LDR as a blessing (that you can take things slow, do not have to stress out over it etc).
Next month me and my SO will pass a one year mark since we have been together. Here is the issue. I have been having problems at school. Serious problems. I am an international student in the USA. I have a visa obligation to come back to my home country for at least 2 years before I can apply for work visa or get a green card. I can not apply for any of those before 2 years pass. Well I am 26 and I am in my first year of PhD. PhD takes 4-5 years to complete. I know in my heart that I would like to have a family WHILE I am still in the program or at least shortly after. I would like to have children withing the next 5 years. My SO was aware of all those from day 1. He was also aware of my visa obligation (FYI even if we get married I still have to go back to my country and even if we have a baby - the rule is still the same. It is the USA rule, no my country's rule).
Now that we are about to pass a one year mark and that I have been having troubles at school that may lead me to have to leave the US earlier than I was expecting (i hope it doesn't happen, but who knows?) I raised a question to him about what would happen to us if I have to leave this summer. Right now we are 10 hours away from each other and see each other every month-2 months, but if i leave I will be on the other side of the world.
I told him that I Would like a higher level of commitment, I would like to know who I am coming back to and if I should even try to. I told him that 2 years if a long time and if I have to leave now it is not like I will see him in 2 month. We both know that visits would be nearly impossible due to the money issue. Both of us are poor.
He was always the one to first say how he wants to have a family with me some day etc. etc. He brought up marriage a few times asking what kind of wedding would I like and if I would rather have a family sooner than later. Now this time when I brought it up and i let him know that if i have to leave I want to know for sure what our plan is and i told him that i wanted a family within the next 5 years etc. He freaked out. He said that it has to feel right, that i can not pressure him into marriage, that he feels that i do not love him and i am only with him for what he has to offer but not for him (read: i am using him so i can get a green card and come back). Then he finally said that he doesn't want to have children with someone who will have to leave for 2 years at some point. I was speechless. HE knew about the 2 years from day 1. He still kept talking about a family with me. Now he says he doesn't even want kids with someone like me (until after those 2 years are over and i am back here). I know 2 years is a long time but whether i have to leave now or in 5 years after i am done with my PhD, I still have to leave for 2 years. And I need someone who will not be freaked out by it Who will think that I am worth that sacrifice, who may even move to my country with me for that period of time, who will not be scared to have children with me over that "2 years rule", who if he cant move with me will come visit and will be ok with Skyping with me and his child and who will not consider 2 years as "breaking the family". I told him that if he was to leave to go to war (he is military), I would not consider THAT as our family is broken, and I would have our child write him letters and draw pictures and we would wait for daddy to come back and look forward to it. That i think me having to serve that rule is the same thing. I did not make it up and it is not my invention and I sure would LOVE to stay with him and not have to leave, but HIS country created that rule and there is not way over it (i spoke with several lawyers and researched it all myself).
Now the question is, am I even with the right person? HE says he loves me and he wants a family with me but "when the time is right" and when it is he doens't know. I am 26 and I know I do not want to wait too long to have a family and I definitely want a higher level of commitment before I leave (either now or in 5 years) and I would like to either be married or engaged when i leave.
Am I being unreasonable? What would you do in my situation?
Next month me and my SO will pass a one year mark since we have been together. Here is the issue. I have been having problems at school. Serious problems. I am an international student in the USA. I have a visa obligation to come back to my home country for at least 2 years before I can apply for work visa or get a green card. I can not apply for any of those before 2 years pass. Well I am 26 and I am in my first year of PhD. PhD takes 4-5 years to complete. I know in my heart that I would like to have a family WHILE I am still in the program or at least shortly after. I would like to have children withing the next 5 years. My SO was aware of all those from day 1. He was also aware of my visa obligation (FYI even if we get married I still have to go back to my country and even if we have a baby - the rule is still the same. It is the USA rule, no my country's rule).
Now that we are about to pass a one year mark and that I have been having troubles at school that may lead me to have to leave the US earlier than I was expecting (i hope it doesn't happen, but who knows?) I raised a question to him about what would happen to us if I have to leave this summer. Right now we are 10 hours away from each other and see each other every month-2 months, but if i leave I will be on the other side of the world.
I told him that I Would like a higher level of commitment, I would like to know who I am coming back to and if I should even try to. I told him that 2 years if a long time and if I have to leave now it is not like I will see him in 2 month. We both know that visits would be nearly impossible due to the money issue. Both of us are poor.
He was always the one to first say how he wants to have a family with me some day etc. etc. He brought up marriage a few times asking what kind of wedding would I like and if I would rather have a family sooner than later. Now this time when I brought it up and i let him know that if i have to leave I want to know for sure what our plan is and i told him that i wanted a family within the next 5 years etc. He freaked out. He said that it has to feel right, that i can not pressure him into marriage, that he feels that i do not love him and i am only with him for what he has to offer but not for him (read: i am using him so i can get a green card and come back). Then he finally said that he doesn't want to have children with someone who will have to leave for 2 years at some point. I was speechless. HE knew about the 2 years from day 1. He still kept talking about a family with me. Now he says he doesn't even want kids with someone like me (until after those 2 years are over and i am back here). I know 2 years is a long time but whether i have to leave now or in 5 years after i am done with my PhD, I still have to leave for 2 years. And I need someone who will not be freaked out by it Who will think that I am worth that sacrifice, who may even move to my country with me for that period of time, who will not be scared to have children with me over that "2 years rule", who if he cant move with me will come visit and will be ok with Skyping with me and his child and who will not consider 2 years as "breaking the family". I told him that if he was to leave to go to war (he is military), I would not consider THAT as our family is broken, and I would have our child write him letters and draw pictures and we would wait for daddy to come back and look forward to it. That i think me having to serve that rule is the same thing. I did not make it up and it is not my invention and I sure would LOVE to stay with him and not have to leave, but HIS country created that rule and there is not way over it (i spoke with several lawyers and researched it all myself).
Now the question is, am I even with the right person? HE says he loves me and he wants a family with me but "when the time is right" and when it is he doens't know. I am 26 and I know I do not want to wait too long to have a family and I definitely want a higher level of commitment before I leave (either now or in 5 years) and I would like to either be married or engaged when i leave.
Am I being unreasonable? What would you do in my situation?
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