what would you do? (sorry it is long)

[Miramaid]

Some of you have already been married and have children and may look at your LDR as a blessing (that you can take things slow, do not have to stress out over it etc).
Next month me and my SO will pass a one year mark since we have been together. Here is the issue. I have been having problems at school. Serious problems. I am an international student in the USA. I have a visa obligation to come back to my home country for at least 2 years before I can apply for work visa or get a green card. I can not apply for any of those before 2 years pass. Well I am 26 and I am in my first year of PhD. PhD takes 4-5 years to complete. I know in my heart that I would like to have a family WHILE I am still in the program or at least shortly after. I would like to have children withing the next 5 years. My SO was aware of all those from day 1. He was also aware of my visa obligation (FYI even if we get married I still have to go back to my country and even if we have a baby - the rule is still the same. It is the USA rule, no my country's rule).
Now that we are about to pass a one year mark and that I have been having troubles at school that may lead me to have to leave the US earlier than I was expecting (i hope it doesn't happen, but who knows?) I raised a question to him about what would happen to us if I have to leave this summer. Right now we are 10 hours away from each other and see each other every month-2 months, but if i leave I will be on the other side of the world.
I told him that I Would like a higher level of commitment, I would like to know who I am coming back to and if I should even try to. I told him that 2 years if a long time and if I have to leave now it is not like I will see him in 2 month. We both know that visits would be nearly impossible due to the money issue. Both of us are poor.
He was always the one to first say how he wants to have a family with me some day etc. etc. He brought up marriage a few times asking what kind of wedding would I like and if I would rather have a family sooner than later. Now this time when I brought it up and i let him know that if i have to leave I want to know for sure what our plan is and i told him that i wanted a family within the next 5 years etc. He freaked out. He said that it has to feel right, that i can not pressure him into marriage, that he feels that i do not love him and i am only with him for what he has to offer but not for him (read: i am using him so i can get a green card and come back). Then he finally said that he doesn't want to have children with someone who will have to leave for 2 years at some point. I was speechless. HE knew about the 2 years from day 1. He still kept talking about a family with me. Now he says he doesn't even want kids with someone like me (until after those 2 years are over and i am back here). I know 2 years is a long time but whether i have to leave now or in 5 years after i am done with my PhD, I still have to leave for 2 years. And I need someone who will not be freaked out by it Who will think that I am worth that sacrifice, who may even move to my country with me for that period of time, who will not be scared to have children with me over that "2 years rule", who if he cant move with me will come visit and will be ok with Skyping with me and his child and who will not consider 2 years as "breaking the family". I told him that if he was to leave to go to war (he is military), I would not consider THAT as our family is broken, and I would have our child write him letters and draw pictures and we would wait for daddy to come back and look forward to it. That i think me having to serve that rule is the same thing. I did not make it up and it is not my invention and I sure would LOVE to stay with him and not have to leave, but HIS country created that rule and there is not way over it (i spoke with several lawyers and researched it all myself).

Now the question is, am I even with the right person? HE says he loves me and he wants a family with me but "when the time is right" and when it is he doens't know. I am 26 and I know I do not want to wait too long to have a family and I definitely want a higher level of commitment before I leave (either now or in 5 years) and I would like to either be married or engaged when i leave.

Am I being unreasonable? What would you do in my situation?

[LadyMarchHare]

I think that even though he KNEW about this situation from day one, it may not have sunk in or even seemed important until now.

If you two cannot agree on when to have a family, when to be married or even if you will marry at all, then that may hurt the relationship to the point of a break up. Those are very important issues and you feel very strongly about them, so a compromise may not be able to be reached depending on what it is. I personally do not see it as unreasonable as the visa process is a difficult one and you don't want to waste your time or your money trying to get back to someone who, in the end, will not be what you want in the long run.

[Miramaid]

Thank you for your answer LMH!

[TknandLvnIt]

I agree with LMH that he may have thought about it but not really considered it because you still had four to five years more here. I think now that there is a real possibility of your leaving sooner than that he may feel pressured to move the relationship along faster than he is ready to. A year isn't that long I think that at that point you should know each other pretty well..but every couple is different...some marry or get engaged sooner and others later. I think you should find out where he stands on the subject of marriage on more than just a casual level and what thoughts he has about it. I would definitely talk to him about the things that you expressed and see what he says. I don't think you are being unreasonable and in your situation I would probably have a serious talk with him about the prospect of marriage in our relationship and closing the distance.

[Mara]

I've been wondering how things were between the two of you- I was hoping for a much happier update.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but I see both sides of the situation. He isn't ready now for that type of commitment and also can't imagine himself being separated from his family (you and the potential child the two of you would share). At the same time, I understand your situation of not wanting to work hard to get back to someone that inevitably things may not work out with. It's a lot different obtaining a visa to be in a place to be near your boyfriend than obtaining a visa to be with your fiance or husband.

I'm guessing he isn't willing or able to go to your country with you for at least, some of this two year period?

If you love him, I would say regardless of the differences of opinions in when to take these major steps, I would say you are with the right person. I don't personally know any couple that completely agreed on when to get married or to start a family. I think as long as you love him and he loves you and you are both willing to compromise, this is something that could be overcome.

[Miramaid]

It's a lot different obtaining a visa to be in a place to be near your boyfriend than obtaining a visa to be with your fiance or husband.

I'm guessing he isn't willing or able to go to your country with you for at least, some of this two year period?
.

Thank you for understanding about the visa part!
no he is not willing to or doesn't want to go with me. He says he has loans to pay off and he will not be able to make enough money in my country to pay them off and he for some reason always feels like he would not be safe in my country and would be killed or something because he is American and he looks different (i really do not know where those fears come from. I think he watches too much TV because it is not as unsafe in my country as he thinks it is. At least people are not allowed to carry guns as here in the USA). I told him he could try to deffer his loans based on him being away and not making enough money (and may be being married to someone who can not stay here so him leaving would be not HIS personal idea. If we marry of course) and pay them off later when we both come back...But he said he had deferred his loans many times already (and according to him you can only do it so many times - i do not know).

As for marriage, when i asked him when he wanted to have a family and children and all (i know he wants those things), his answer was "When the time is right" and he did not know when it was gonna be. So it can be in a month, or it can be in a year, or in 5 or may be never. Or not with me. I do not know.