In need of advice

[PattyK84]

So I am fairly new to this LDR thing. About 2 months in.... and it seems like when we make plans, he always has a last minute excuse to not meet up. Whether its money, or can't find a babysitter, or other reasons.... there is always an excuse. Even to skype, computer won't charge or he is too tired.... Am I reading into these reasons? Should I not be getting so upset about this? I just feel like he tells me that we can meet up to make me happy and not really mean what he is saying. HELP PLEASE!!

[snow_girl]

It does sound a little odd that there is always something coming up. I would talk to him about it, we here can only speculate so much. If you ask him about it hopefully he can tell you what's going on and you can put your mind at ease

[LadyMarchHare]

If he is doing these things every time or frequently enough that it's more unusual when he doesn't give an excuse against it then I would say there's a problem. Not necessarily a huge one, but there's one nonetheless. The one thing I can think of is probably nerves. 2 months is fairly young for a relationship so stuff like visits can be overwhelming and even simple stuff like skyping, especially if he's self-conscious in any form. Talk to him, bring up you've noticed that your plans never seem to be more than "maybe"s and that you noticed he turns you down for Skype. Don't accuse him, just try and be casual and ask him if anything is wrong or if there is a reason why he waits until last minute to tell you these things that halt any visits. You have a right to know as well as a right to try and talk it out to either solve the problem or work out a compromise.

[PattyK84]

Well we have actually been dating since last june. so about 10 mths now. we were together in Toledo, Ohio. he had originally moved here as a transfer for his job, where we met. He was married with two kids. She ended up leaving him and taking his kids to Lansing Mi. So in Feb he decided that he needed to move to Lansing to be with his kids, who are 3 and 18 mths. I just want him to think of me as a priority in his life. but I don't think that is happening. we have talked about this, and things got better, but i dont know.

[Brandie]

Hey I'm from Toledo too But anyways I think you should just talk to him about this, tell him it makes you upset that he seems like he isn't trying very hard to keep his plans, make it aware how you're feeling.

[LadyMarchHare]

If he has kids, be prepared to always be second in line, with them first. It's natural you want to be important to him, but if he's moved to be with those kids you may be the one who has to do the visiting, especially if the ex wife has some hold over him as far as custody goes.

[PattyK84]

Oh I would never expect him to put me before his children. But I don't think he should put everything else before me... I should be one of his top priorities... but that is just my opinion....

[LadyMarchHare]

Well exactly what are we talking about in regards to "everything else"? Hobbies, time with friends, alone time, what? A job I can understand to a degree especially if it's demanding or it's something he's passionate about, but leisure stuff can easily be worked around. And no, I understand your wanting to be important to him it's natural when you're in a relationship, you want to feel needed and not like you're just something he'll poke with a stick when his XBox blows up or whatnot.

[PattyK84]

well for example he complains about never having time and always being tired... but he just joined a band... I'm not sure how that is going to give him more time or make him less tired... but whatever. But I think that his "downtime" ie when he isnt with his kids or at work, then he should make an effort to at least talk to me a little bit. I told him, I would be happy with just getting a cute email, but he acts like he doesn't even have time to do that.. that can take literally 10 seconds to do... he has a smartphone, he could manage a few seconds to send me a quick email. But it seems like he only calls me on his way to or home from work.... is that supposed to be good enough? is that just something i will have to learn to live with? like today, he has the day off, and we planned to meet up in ann arbor for a little bit. now he is saying that he is watching his kids until 7, which is fine, we can still have a few hours together, but then he says, "well i dont know if i will have enough money." so now i have to wait around all day to see if he can even afford a 45 minute drive just to be with me... im trying to stay positive about everything and i tried to express how i felt about today very calmly and he got pissed and hung up on me.

[Joyce:)]

I see where you're coming from and I agree.

Can't you drive up to where he is and talk, so he really cannot make any excuses? Maybe distance is making things tough for him, or maybe he's just acting plain bad.
But do whatever is in your power to talk to him, even if it requires you driving up there, so at least you can say you have no regrets and that you did all that you could if not more.

And heck yes, he has a smartphone, it doesn't take much effort to write an email!!

[PattyK84]

lol so after I write all of this he sends me three emails and has called four times.... oh, tony... you give me whiplash..... oh and he is driving to toledo tonight because I helped him sell some music equipment that he's been trying to sell... So looks like I will get some time with him afterall.... BOY OH BOY.....

anyone else have these issues, lol.... I swear I don't know how I deal with this boy

[Alexandria Lora]

If he has kids, be prepared to always be second in line, with them first. It's natural you want to be important to him, but if he's moved to be with those kids you may be the one who has to do the visiting, especially if the ex wife has some hold over him as far as custody goes.

In this I agree.
When there are children involved, there is more sacrifice required in the relationship. That is usually time and energy. My SO has a daughter and she lives in another country with his ex. When he visits her, I can expect a phone call and maybe a few texts. Thereafter, he becomes the devoted father as he should be.

I think you should talk to him about how things are between your SO and the children. Being apart of his life in that regard eases alot of his stress, plus you will have something else to share and that is his concerns for his children.

Now the ex part, that is something even I am insecure about, but I think it is also good to discuss, if any, concerns you have about his relationship with the ex. There may be drama going on that is adding to his stress, his lack of motivation to do visits, bond over skype... Now is the time to remove focus from yourself and be there for him. The more support you offer to him, the more you will know about him and his situation.. IMHO..

Best of luck

[Alexandria Lora]

lol so after I write all of this he sends me three emails and has called four times.... oh, tony... you give me whiplash..... oh and he is driving to toledo tonight because I helped him sell some music equipment that he's been trying to sell... So looks like I will get some time with him afterall.... BOY OH BOY.....

anyone else have these issues, lol.... I swear I don't know how I deal with this boy

And of course i read this after... good to hear!!

[PattyK84]

tonight was amazing... he gave me a promise ring that he bought back in march for my birthday. we laughed and hugged and kissed. he sang to me. it was just what we needed. and we sold his pa equipment so now he has the money to come see me again very soon! *sigh* i love him so much.....