Dealing with the Insecurity...

[Sierra]

I have a hard time trusting ANYONE, and I've pretty much allowed myself to trust my boyfriend now, but I have to admit, not having plans set in stone, still trying to figure out if he's going to move out here for the summer or just come see me for a week or even when we'll see each other again is frustrating to me, and really messes with how insecure I am.

I'm not able to visit him where he lives because he's unhappy with his living conditions (which I am understanding of) and says that he wants to move into an apartment before I can come out there. I understand why, he's not married, he's not living with a girlfriend, but his parents home that he's living in (just him not his parents) is filled with clutter and he's extremely ashamed. I told him I would never judge him, but he just ... well won't let me come out. And I can't afford to stay in a hotel room. I feel kept out of his life, I know his friends know about me, but I wonder how much. I want to meet them, I want to be a part of his life, not some woman who is 1,700 miles away. I want to make this work.

Maybe it's the impatient side of me, and I know part of the issue is that because we are far apart I don't really know what he's planning, or the things he's working on.

I'm just so frustrated, I don't want to feel like this. I don't know how to be secure in my relationship - I don't know how to put faith in him that he'll come back and that we'll continue this relationship. I know he says he wants to, I know it's early on, but ... it's just hard and it hurts.

[FDRV]

It's hard and it hurts, yea I get that! I understand the insecurities but what LDR's....scratch....any relationship boils down to, trust and faith. The flip side doesn't benefit you in any way, only feeds in to the vicous cycle of mistrust and paranoia.

[Sierra]

I feel like my insecurities and not trusting is the last mechanism that I have to protect myself. That way if things don't work out then I'm prepared.

[FadedSunrise]

I get like that-I've found it hard and only am beginning to fix it recently so that I can trust my boyfriend. I think maybe part of it was that we weren't "just friends" first, but confessed our feelings and moved into that awkward in between stage, and then a relationship, relatively quickly(about 3 months after meeting or so). So there was not that time for complete trust to develop-but it's getting there. The other part of me also thinks like you think-using this as the last barrier between getting hurt and it not working out-because now I realize I really want it to work out.

On the other hand, I'm also the one who does not want him to visit me, because I live at home, am going to school, and am not financially independent/working. He however is, so had I gone to visit him I could live with him(it obviously cant work the other way around). Even if he had the means to come I wouldn't want it.

So yea, not too much advice, but just commiserating. The way I see it, the only thing we can do is have patience, deeply immerse in other parts of life, and try our best to trust. Its a really hard process, and I've been in and out of being situationally depressed because of it, but in then I know now that I want to do whatever it takes, learn whatever I'm missing, to keep this alive.

I believe that as long as the desire is there, things will work out in the end.

[LadyMarchHare]

I can understand why he wouldn't feel comfortable with you visiting. Unless you opted for a hotel you'd be subjected to his living environment which you said he is ashamed of, and even if you got a hotel there'd most likely be some feeling of shame that he can't bring you into his home and has to "subject" you to an impersonal environment. As for the rather up-in-the-air tone about the next move, that comes with communicating and communicating effectively. You mentioned you don't know what his plans are, find out. Be active in his life and have him be active in yours so that you both know where you stand with such issues as visits, closing the distance, or just what you want from the relationship and its future.

I don't trust a lot of people, in fact there are less than 5 people in this entire world I trust explicitly, but never is that something to call a mechanism of self-protection, especially in this case. You have reason to doubt his enthusiasm towards the relationship or the future because things are so vague and, as you said, not set in stone but do you really think relinquishing trust and giving in to insecurities is going to help? If nothing else it's going to drive a bigger wedge between you because you'll be building an emotional wall bigger than the Great Wall of China instead of trying to work something out. Things go wrong, it happens, but staying in a bomb shelter your whole life on the premise of "being prepared" is not healthy, it's feeding into paranoia.

Until he gives you a reason to not trust him, you trust him. Until he gives you a reason to feel insecure, to feel like you're not the one he loves but used gum stuck to his shoe, you hold your head up high. And if he does give you reason to lose trust or make you feel insecure, you let him know about it and give him the option of rectifying the situation with you or letting the doorknob bite him on the way out.

[TknandLvnIt]

Hmmm I agree that insecurity can be a big problem in relationships on both sides. I don't think that he should allow the way his house is keep him from seeing you. If i were in the situation. I would ask him how he would feel about my hiring a maid service (if I could afford it) and clean his house. I wouldn't let something like that keep me from seeing my SO. Or maybe we would go half and half because if he could afford to come see me for the summer I figure we could make an arrangement to clean the house. I understand you being frustrated but try and think of alternate solutions like maybe him paying for your hotel when you visit if the house isn't cleaned and coming up with a definite time where its the most reasonable and affordable for both of you. Its hard to be secure in a LDR, at least in my opinion, when things are up in the air...it adds to arguments and frustration and its always helpful to plan for the future even if its further away than you would like.

[Mizpah]

This is my third time replying...And dangnabbit! The first version was the best, but error messages prevail...Anyway, I don't trust many people, but when you choose to love someone, you choose to be vulnerable. With Aaron, I did not struggle as I had in the past because my trust in him, and his trust in me, was so innate. I did have to actively choose to trust him, what we share, and myself when circumstances resulted in us ending the distance just three and a half months after meeting. Our plan had been for later that year. Try to make a plan with your SO, but understand that life might change it. That doesn't mean you should trust him any less, however. Sometimes you have to risk it all to achieve great things--like a love people spend a lifetime searching for--or even just for a good experience and lesson. If you let fear control you, you will miss out on the best life has to offer. You might not get hurt as often, but you won't be as happy either, nor will you experience life to its fullest.

[Sierra]

I get like that-I've found it hard and only am beginning to fix it recently so that I can trust my boyfriend. I think maybe part of it was that we weren't "just friends" first, but confessed our feelings and moved into that awkward in between stage, and then a relationship, relatively quickly(about 3 months after meeting or so). So there was not that time for complete trust to develop-but it's getting there. The other part of me also thinks like you think-using this as the last barrier between getting hurt and it not working out-because now I realize I really want it to work out.

On the other hand, I'm also the one who does not want him to visit me, because I live at home, am going to school, and am not financially independent/working. He however is, so had I gone to visit him I could live with him(it obviously cant work the other way around). Even if he had the means to come I wouldn't want it.

So yea, not too much advice, but just commiserating. The way I see it, the only thing we can do is have patience, deeply immerse in other parts of life, and try our best to trust. Its a really hard process, and I've been in and out of being situationally depressed because of it, but in then I know now that I want to do whatever it takes, learn whatever I'm missing, to keep this alive.

I believe that as long as the desire is there, things will work out in the end.

I hope that you're right. It's just so hard for me to trust, and go with things. I have decided though I'm just going to allow things to progress how they do, and like you suggested, throw myself into other parts of my life right now - set some short term goals to focus on and take my mind off the insecurity I feel.

I can understand why he wouldn't feel comfortable with you visiting. Unless you opted for a hotel you'd be subjected to his living environment which you said he is ashamed of, and even if you got a hotel there'd most likely be some feeling of shame that he can't bring you into his home and has to "subject" you to an impersonal environment. As for the rather up-in-the-air tone about the next move, that comes with communicating and communicating effectively. You mentioned you don't know what his plans are, find out. Be active in his life and have him be active in yours so that you both know where you stand with such issues as visits, closing the distance, or just what you want from the relationship and its future.

I don't trust a lot of people, in fact there are less than 5 people in this entire world I trust explicitly, but never is that something to call a mechanism of self-protection, especially in this case. You have reason to doubt his enthusiasm towards the relationship or the future because things are so vague and, as you said, not set in stone but do you really think relinquishing trust and giving in to insecurities is going to help? If nothing else it's going to drive a bigger wedge between you because you'll be building an emotional wall bigger than the Great Wall of China instead of trying to work something out. Things go wrong, it happens, but staying in a bomb shelter your whole life on the premise of "being prepared" is not healthy, it's feeding into paranoia.

Until he gives you a reason to not trust him, you trust him. Until he gives you a reason to feel insecure, to feel like you're not the one he loves but used gum stuck to his shoe, you hold your head up high. And if he does give you reason to lose trust or make you feel insecure, you let him know about it and give him the option of rectifying the situation with you or letting the doorknob bite him on the way out.

I have to admit, I understand why he doesn't want me to visit too, and a hotel would make it worse for the both of us. I try to be as understanding as I can be about the situation but it hurts me that I feel as though I have to be kept separate from his 'real life'. I plan on respecting his boundaries, but sometimes I just want to ask him -- is this the life you want to be leading? If not, what's standing in your way? Just to show him that he can make a change. I feel as though he feels like he's stuck. Until I'm able to go out there, meet his friends, I'm going to have a hard time trusting him because I can't get it out of my head that maybe the issue is me. Maybe he's not as into me as he says, or I'm not pretty enough ... idk.

That's a lie. I do know that none of that is true. I don't think that giving in to my insecurities helps at all, I think it hurts him and I always tell him later how much I care about him and how badly I want things to work out between us. I tell him I WANT to trust him completely and why as well as why it's hard for me. I think it's only fair that he know how I feel and where I'm coming from as well.

He's never given me a reason not to trust him, this is all my own insecurities and that's what I hate the most. Finally I have in front of me, a man who wants to be with me, a man who is kind, caring, thoughtful and trustworthy and I can't let go. I can't let all my walls down, and I want to. But I hope you can understand I need actions to back up the trust I put into someone, I can't change that that is the way I am.

We do talk about plans for the future but it'll be a few more weeks until we know more information and can make definitive plans. It's funny, I'm always the one giving my friends the best relationship advice, but when it comes to my own relationship I'm like a lost dog.

Hmmm I agree that insecurity can be a big problem in relationships on both sides. I don't think that he should allow the way his house is keep him from seeing you. If i were in the situation. I would ask him how he would feel about my hiring a maid service (if I could afford it) and clean his house. I wouldn't let something like that keep me from seeing my SO. Or maybe we would go half and half because if he could afford to come see me for the summer I figure we could make an arrangement to clean the house. I understand you being frustrated but try and think of alternate solutions like maybe him paying for your hotel when you visit if the house isn't cleaned and coming up with a definite time where its the most reasonable and affordable for both of you. Its hard to be secure in a LDR, at least in my opinion, when things are up in the air...it adds to arguments and frustration and its always helpful to plan for the future even if its further away than you would like.

The issue is that the stuff isn't his, and his parents won't let him do anything about it. He's a prisoner where he lives and the only solution he sees to it is moving out. I've offered to come over there and help him clean because I would love it (I would) but he's refused. The hotel option I think will lead to more shame and insecurity to be honest. I don't want to be there if I can't see his home and I think he'd be really embarrassed having to stay in a hotel in his home town. I guess I have to give him a chance to figure out what he's going to do - move out here, or find a place out there, but I know that I am not willing to not be able to visit him for forever. If this is holding him back from living the life he wants to live (and me too) he needs to make a change.

This is my third time replying...And dangnabbit! The first version was the best, but error messages prevail...Anyway, I don't trust many people, but when you choose to love someone, you choose to be vulnerable. With Aaron, I did not struggle as I had in the past because my trust in him, and his trust in me, was so innate. I did have to actively choose to trust him, what we share, and myself when circumstances resulted in us ending the distance just three and a half months after meeting. Our plan had been for later that year. Try to make a plan with your SO, but understand that life might change it. That doesn't mean you should trust him any less, however. Sometimes you have to risk it all to achieve great things--like a love people spend a lifetime searching for--or even just for a good experience and lesson. If you let fear control you, you will miss out on the best life has to offer. You might not get hurt as often, but you won't be as happy either, nor will you experience life to its fullest.

I have made the choice to trust my boyfriend, and now I'm working on (starting right now) just completely trusting him. I don't have a reason to be insecure. He cares about me, wants to be with me, and I care about him and want to be with him. We'll find a way to make it work. We have to.

I've spent such a huge amount of time getting to know my boyfriend, I don't know why I'm like this now that we're in a relationship. Sometimes I really do wish I could just shut off my brain and tell myself not to resist, just to go with the flow and we'll see where things end up. It's weird, at the end of the day I have no doubt that my boyfriend is the man for me and that we WILL work it out, but during the in between times this little worm eats away at my brain that I can't stop.


Thank you so much everyone for the kind words and support, I know it's something I have to work on, and I also know if I put my mind to it, I can overcome my own insecurities and put the trust in him that he deserves.