Confused on what to do? Advice? LDR

[chevan14]

Hey!
So im all new to this site.
First off, ill describe my situation. I am 17 years old from Canada. My SO is from USA and also 17. We have been talking to eachother for 15 months...everyday. So a very long time lol. He loves me alot, and i Love him too. We have never met in person, only on skype. He is planning to come up this summer (july) to met me and make it offical if everything goes well. Well...to this day, we dont know if he is even allowed to come up and see me. When ever he talks to his parents about it, they always say, "we are still thinking about it". So through these 15 months we havn't got a clue if he is actually comming here. I cant go there cause im not allowed, my dad is pretty stricted about me being by myself and would never let me go alone. Jake is my SO. Jake is amazing, he is so sweet, caring, funny and just like me. We are so simular, his birthday is a day after mine, we both love art and are good at it, same opinions on things, both have a dirty mind lol, and are just very alike in so many ways.

Well...i dunno if you wanna call these problems, but they have been bugging me for a while. First is...we both had christmas presents that we were gonna send to eachother shortly after christmas. I sent mine. He didnt. Then our 1 year came around, I made him a drawing and did alot of other things as well as doing things for Valentines day. I sent our 1 year and valntines days presents to him. He on the other hand...didnt. So to this day, i still dont have my christmas present, 1 year drawings and valentines presents. He said he isnt even finished them or something else has to be done to them or sometihng. Anyway...him being lazy bugs me...alot! I have told him this alot of times...and he always says, "i promise ill try to do it sometime next week." and it never gets done.

Another problem. He hasnt even attempted to look at flights, get a passport or anything to come up here. He has to wait till his parents give him the ok...which isnt comming fast enough. Its about 2 months till July. It takes close to a month for a passport to b sent bk. That really bugs me. And today he was gonna talk to his parents, like really sit down and talk to them and get an answer. But yet again, im sitting infront of him on skype and he isnt doing it. He said he is scared, which i am too, but it has to be done.

Today i surpised him and he got a present from me in the mail. A letter (3 pages) scented with my perfume and a Canadian t-shirt. He was all smiles when he got it and was really happy. He read it and everything and that was it. He went back to drawing and didnt even say thank you or anything, which he normally does.

Sorry that this is really really long. I just have alot on my mind and have been thinking about all this for months. I dont know what to do. The date is getting closer and iv been getting kinda sad cause in ways i know he wont come up here. Then i think about the future, say i get married to him. Do i want a guy who is lazy and puts things off.

There is a guy at school has showed interest in me. He talks to me at me locker for the past week and even took me out for lunch. btw, i have never been in a realtionship or on a date ever. IT was really nice. Hes lets just say, not the sharpest tool in the shed. But that doesnt really matter. Everyone in the school knows him. Hes halarious and makes everyone laugh. Well...iv just been thinking, wat if he took me out again, told me he really likes me. Should i get into a relationship with him? Ofcourse id mention Jake to him. But im single. We agreed a long time ago that we can date and such so we dont miss that experience in life. btw, Jake is gonna be gone for around 4 years. SO we would only b able to see eachother like 2 time a year. I honestly have so much on my mind. And i could be writing so much more, to give you more detials on my thinking and me personaly. But i think i bored you enough lol.

I am not totally sure on Jake, just cause of the fact that i have never really met him in person. Im a hands on person and i need to be able to be in something, see, touch watevs, to make my opinion and decide on something. Also, Jake, i am not very attracted to him. Yes at times he is cute and looks really good. But we are on cam, it can hide things.

Anyways, imma stop blabing on and talk to Jake. Sorry for this being so long. Tell me what you think i should do? If you are in the same situation? How are you dealing with it? Should i tell him we should just be friends?

I really care for him, the thought of never talking to him makes me wanna cry, or the thought about never being able to met him, makes my heart hurt. I dunno want to do. I dont wanna hurt him, cause he has cried about the fact about loosing me. Please help me lol

Thank you so much for your advice in advance and taking your time to read this.

[PucasKitten]

Honestly after reading this to a degree you have already made up your mind. If you want to just be friends with Jake tell him and try this new interest but never hide it from Jake.

[ClipitsWings]

well first off :P i think jake needs to take some initiative. if he were to look up flight prices, how much money he would need, etc on his own, convincing his parents its reasonable and good to let him see you would probably be a hellabu lot easier

little other tidbit, one of your positives for this other boy is that "Everybody knows him"; popularity isn't exactly the best thing to be looking for in another person, but that's just my opinion. and again, one of your things against jake is that he's not overly attractive, annnnd well,.... a lot of people are going to tell you that there is more to a person than depth of their skin, and a lot of times the heart they have makes up for their appearance. they'll say that because most the time its true.
if you're really questioning which guy you prefer, maybe sit down and consider who's better for you.

i completely understand your frustration at jake for not pulling through on anything, but i would say to try to relax about that. maybe wait a little while longer, and chill as much as you can in the mean time, and reevaluate the situation. a little over a year isn't too long for a relationship, so you could either try your best to fix things up, or really consider other options. don't be rash though, because it really does sound like you have feelings for him.

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with PucasKitten in saying it sounds like you have an idea of what you want done.

Personally I'm a bit confused as to what the relationship status is because the first half of your post you're saying how much you and Jake have in common, how you've thought about the future, done things for him and it sounds like you're invested in the relationship. But then in the second half you're calling yourself single, saying you are not attached to Jake and that you are a hands-on person that needs the physical aspect of a relationship, which if that's the case you probably shouldn't be long distance with anyone.

I can understand being frustrated that him visiting requires his parents' permission but you can't hold that against him just as he can't hold your dad's decision about you traveling by yourself against you. You're both still young and living with your folks so you have to abide by their rules. If they ultimately don't allow him to come up to see you in July or ever so long as he's dependent on them, then you need to think about if you can wait until he's independent enough to use his own money and not run risk of their wrath. If you honestly cannot, then you need to talk with him about it and the possibility of being just friends to ease up the pressure.

As for this local guy that's showing interest, I agree with ClipItsWings's comment about popularity not being a quality you need to look for. You said he isn't the sharpest tool in the shed so my guess is this guy's all looks and no brains or a good enough equivalent. Sure it's nice to be taken on dates, to be noticed, but if all you're looking at is "everybody knows him and he makes everyone laugh" you might wanna rethink your priorities. I'm not saying he's not possibly a good guy, but to me it sounds like you're just trailing after him because he can provide what Jake can't in a relationship.

[chevan14]

Thank you all for your time and giving me advice! I really appreciate it. We are gonna have to see what happens in the next week or so with me and Jake, to determine what is going to happen with us. Joe (this local guy), i might have to let him know that we can only be friends. Just because when i talk to him, i feel like im talking to someone who has metal issues. I dunno, you can tell hes not the smartest, which is fine, but im looking for a long term relationship. I dont think i can handle being with someone where i have to use all the smarts. But we will see where things go. Im all about Jake, even with his flaws. But i agree that i might only like Joe because he provides what Jake cant.

Thanks everyone! ill keep ya posted on what happens. I really like this site, so much support.

[Kristin91]

Considering that you said Jake hasn't taken the initiative at all about a lot of things, you have to wonder if he's really into the LDR thing... maybe he's not, and it sounds like you're not either... but you have to decide, even though it sounds like you want to go out with this guy from your school. Also, if you're not attracted to him why do you want to be in a long distance relationship with him? A LDR takes time, commitment, and a huge bond between the two people... You have to do what's best for you, even if that means just being friends and upsetting him...

[chevan14]

well im totally in this ldr. i have done so much for the both of us to make it work. I dont really wanna go out with this local guy, just cause i dont really see a future with him...long term. Jake i do. I am in a ldr with Jake, beacause i love him. Ya its hard, but we get through it. I am attracted to him at times and others not. But that is with everyone. Id rather love their personality and how they treat me, rather then looks. I have talked to guys that are georgous, but they normally end up being mean and a$$ holes. So, Jake treats me very well even though he may have some flaws that i do not particularly care for. But hey, noone is perfect. Jake isnt perfect, but he is the perfect guy for me. I really like how he is, how he acts, talks to me, everything. That is why im still doing this ldr. I care for him too much to just let him go and be friends. We are the perfect couple, just not in the perfect situation. I do feel that Jake and I have a strong bond, that is why we cant let eachother go. We tried 2 times and we couldnt do it. It was just too hard, and we loved eachother too much. I am committed in this ldr. Jake is too, he has told me coutless times. hes just been stressed lately. Which i understand. He has told me that hes going to do wat ever it takes to see me, and that he will move up to Canada to be with me. Its hard on the both of us, but im trying to make everyome day happy, even though we have things in our heads that might be negative about our situation. Thanks for the advice. I guess i keep defending Jake, rather then agreeing with you all and becoming friends. But that should show something, that i care for him too much and i really want this to work. You have to take account for what we have gone through for the past 15 months together. Thanks for the advice. Has anyone been in my situation? Where you havent met? How did you handle it? Did it wear you both down after a while?

[Riyko]

Seeing as how he's 17 and if his parents did let him go to canada and he's not 18 at the time of the flight, his parents would have to sign a consent form saying that they are allowing him to fly by himself because he's going to a different country, even though he's 17, he's still considered a minor and would still need parents consent to fly.

Anyways, you say you love jake, but you would date this other guy. it sounds like you are wanting to give this guy a chance because he's close to you just because you want the touch and the feeling. I say think about it for a couple of days, talk to jake and let him know your expectations on when you guys are going to meet before you consider doing anything with this other guy because you have been with jake for 15 months.

[chevan14]

see i have done all that. I have talked to Jake countless times about us, the future, him coming up and seeing me ect. Some of my friends i have talked to about this whole situation, and they said that they think that Jake has lost interest in me, cause he is being lazy, not taking any initative and isnt really trying. While i on the other hand have done so many things for us and him to help us. I will respect if he isnt allowed to come to canada. Will totally respect that. yes i said i love Jake...but honestly, i do and dont. im 17, iv never been in a relationship, on a date, nothing. To really find out if im inlove with him, id have to see him in person, see how he acts with me, my friends, family ect. But i do really care for Jake, he is my best friend, we talk about everything and anything.

Its hard to know what to do, or how i should go about this. Joe btw took me out for lunch today again. I like him. In ways, in the bk of my head i think that Jake and i should just b friends, just cause hes doing things that are really bugging me and he knows about them and has told me countless times hes gonna change and he hasnt. So my friends think that hes loosing interest, or its all talk and no do.

Yes of course i wanna be in a normal relationship, where you can touch them, be normal. im 17, iv never been in one to know how it feels or how i would feel torwards someone. I really dont know what to do. But hopefully things will get better and fall into place. IM single. I dont wanna miss out on experiences and i do like Joe, its not like i want hime cause i want a relationship. We are really good friends. Jake and i are really good friends as well. we will have to see how it plays outs in the next week or so. And do you think i should tell Joe about Jake? he has only took me out 2 times, but talks to me alot at my locker.

[LadyMarchHare]

To play Devil's Advocate here, you technically don't know if Jake is making any effort or not. You're assuming he isn't because no progress is being made but if his attempts at progress are being thwarted or are turning out to be harder than they looked then yeah it's gonna look like he's sitting on his ass.

And I mean this with no amount of offense but I think you need to leave both guys be because every post you contradict yourself and it just sounds like you have no idea in the world what you want. You say you consider yourself single yet you're with Jake, like Jake, love him, but oh wait you don't and then there's Joe and he's nice and takes you out and talks to you but he has the thought capacity of a ballpoint pen. From an outside point of view, and I may very well be alone on this view, it looks like you're stringing along two separate guys because you're getting bits and pieces of things you want and like but at the same time both guys have serious faults that make you do a double-take.

I'm 21. This is my first relationship ever. I had never been kissed, never been on a date, never even had a guy like me or pay any sort of romantic attention to me so I get where you're coming from. You're in uncharted territory and you have no idea whether you should go with the long distance relationship and "miss out" on certain things, or be with a local guy and get the "normal" dating experience. LDRs are not for casual dating, a lot of folks who enter into long distance relationships are looking for serious long term commitments. I don't think you're at that point in your life yet. Ultimately it's your choice, but unless you're ready to bog down for the long haul you might want to retract any relationship status with Jake and either remain friends or cut contact completely. As for Joe, well, nobody says a couple dates make a relationship and if you're not that into him, don't pursue anything.

[chevan14]

I dont know what to do. I dont know what I want. I dont know what i need. Im 17 years old. I dont wanna hurt anyone and string anyone along. I have no clue what to do. Its not like i get asked every other day for a relationship. Im surprised this is happening to me. I just wanna meet a really good guy, who is really nice to me, treats me well and we get along, laugh, be happy. I wanna be the best girlfriend/fiance/wife. Im all new to this. i dont wanna hurt Jake or Joe or anyone. Honestly, at this point, im gettin so many advice, frm my friends and you guys that i dont know what to do. I couldnt live with myself if i broke it off with Jake. Yes u said that i go bk and forth. but thats exsactly it! I dont know how im suppose to feel. some days i feel like, i love him so much and i could never live without him. Other days i feel like i could totally forget about him, but that is also because i have never met him phyically, so that part isnt there for me to let go off cause i dont have it.

I honestly feel like shit. I dont want to be here, i dont wanna go through this. And just now my dad told me i cant go to the after prom party. So all my friends and graduates are gonna be together for the last time and i cant be there. Life sucks right now. I just wanna curl up in a hole away from everyone and die. Please dont tell me im overreacting, beacause frankly, you have no idea what i have been going through everyday for 15 months, or what is happening in my life right know. I appreaciate your advice, it helps hearing the truth. Gives me alot to think about. I could really use a hug right know...

[LadyMarchHare]

I know you don't want to hear this but you are overreacting, but here's why: you have a lot of pressure on you about what to do or what not to do coming not only from other people, but yourself. You're placing unnecessary pressure to figure everything out right stat yesterday when you should instead be taking things a day at a time and taking what years you have left where you don't have to pay bills or work a 9 to 5 just for a cup of coffee having fun, not stressing yourself out. Everyone wants to be the best girlfriend/boyfriend ever but you can't beat yourself up because you can't decide where your heart is right now due to the circumstances you're in. To get where you need to be sometimes you have to step on a few toes. Those worth keeping won't mind it, those that scream and curse at you deserved to get smooshed toes.

This is just a thought but you might benefit from some counseling, it would give you a neutral environment to work out what you want without having ten dozen voices telling you ten dozen different things. Life's unfortunately full of needless drama and even those with the best of intentions end up making us nuts. Take some time for yourself and don't think about the situation if you can help it, just have a selfish pamper day, just to calm down a little.

[chevan14]

Okay, thanks. Im not gonna rush into anything. Just take it as it comes, I just dont wanna hurt anyone in the process or lead them on. Thanks, in ways i needed that. We will see what happens...

[LadyMarchHare]

Best of luck to you, hon, and remember the entire forum is here if you need to vent or talk something out.

[alx5150]

Your situation seems very similar to mine, except I actually send my SO stuff back and I work really hard on it. I would strongly advise you to look at what you really want in life and if he plays a part in this, then go for it. If he doesn't then move on. My advise for right now, try seeing how your relationship works with the guy at your school and pay attention to how much Jake shows concern for it - jealousy. See how things go.