Would it be out of line..

[Gurl]

if I asked my honey to be the second to oversee my wishes that I outline in an Advanced Directive. Lemme tell you a bit of a story and explain why I am going to do mine in the very near future and what it is.

One of my aunts has been in and out of hospitals since September. She'd get well, the have to go back. Now she's been on a ventilator for over a month, has it going in through a tracheotomy(a hole cut in the throat), and is on dialysis three times a week. My entire family KNEW she'd not want the trach and she'd not want to live like this. If we had followed her wishes, she'd be gone...and there may still be hope to save her. However, it bugs me every day that she's got the trach which she would not have allowed had she not be sedated when the decision was made.

She doesn't have an Advanced Directive of any sort, though we all knew. My whole family and my SO know how I feel about prolonging death. I want my wishes in writing so that what I want is not in question. I am going to name my mom as primary, though I know it would hurt her so bad to make the decision if she is still here when the time comes. I know she will do it as she followed the DNR order for our grandmother. I don't want to ask my sister...she's my baby sister, I don't want her to have to make this type of choice if it can be helped.

I trust my honey to follow my wishes if he has to. I know he is strong and that he respects me. I just don't know if its asking too much. At this point in time, we aren't entangled in any way that adds future resposibility. I know that if we part (goddess forbid), we would still be friends after we got over each other. So I don't feel it is something I will have to change if we don't work out. I am just unsure if its asking too much. Okay...it is asking too much of anyone to have to make such decisions, but there are times when it has to be done. So...my mother and my SO are the two people I trust most in this world, and it seems to make sense to ask them both...I think.

Do you think, if approached right, asking this would be okay? I know there is a chance he will say no---and I totally understand if he does. I don't know if I'd be strong enough to do what I am asking of him for him if the time ever came. I'd love some opinions. I feel the need to have this done...and feel it strongly. I've been meaning to for years, but with what is going on with my aunt...its hit home hard that I don't want to ever live like that if odds are it is forever.

[Rach321]

Hi Gurl,
I don't think it's out of line. I do think this is something everyone should do. And I think a SO or best friend is a good person to choose to carry out any wishes that you outline. I would never want to ask my mom to make these kinds of decisions, even though I know she'd do whatever I asked for. I just wouldn't want her to live with a difficult decision. And, as you say, he doesn't have to say yes. It's a really personal responsibility, and so if he doesn't feel comfortable with it for any reason, I'm sure he'll tell you.

[garnet]

I agree, I would ask. He has the option to say no. This is something everyone should think about. You are smart to be looking into it. And if those two are the ones you trust, they are the ones you should ask, imo.

[folclor]

I don't think it's a bad thing to ask him to do that...my only concern in the situation would be if you and he are still together in the end. This is just my personal opinion but I wouldn't ask a man to do that unless he were engaged or married to me. However, I'm not you and if you feel like that's the right thing to do then it's not out of line.

[Gurl]

Thanks so much for the quick responses ya'll. If he wasn't my best friend first and foremost, I wouldn't consider asking unless we had more future plans...if you see what I mean. But not only are mom and he the two I trust the most..they are also the two people I am closest to...so I guess that makes them my best friends.

[Darth_Taco]

I know where you're coming from. I've actually been stuck on life support. I was really young, and I was able to get better very quickly. I know now though that I wouldn't want to be kept on life support longer than a month if I were in that situation again. Unfortunately, my family is very Christian conservative. I'm also a Christian conservative, but I seriously doubt this would count as suicide or murder. It wasn't exactly discussed in the Bible so who knows.

Anyway, I know that there's no one in my family that I can trust with something like this, and my friends are flakes. My boyfriend is the only one I can trust with this decision. Despite us being so young and having no real plans except me moving to him and probably moving in together in the future, I got no one else who I can trust with this. I plan to ask him if he's willing to do this for me soon. Maybe this up coming visit. If we break up, then I'd ask my brother. He's not that trustworthy though, so I'd rather not XP.

Ok enough personal crap :P. I think that...I have no idea what I think XP. All I know is that I understand why.

[lunamea]

I think when it comes to a decision whom to ask something like this, it's more about their personalities than it is about your relationship with them. As Rach321, I wouldn't put my mom down for something like this, even though I'm very close to her and she is the person I trust most. I wouldn't do it because I know she wouldn't be able to cope. My husband strikes me as a stronger personality and I think he deals with death better than other people, so he'd be my choice. So, I agree to the others in saying you should ask him if you feel he's the right type of person for this.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

Hmm. My first impulse is you're not engaged or married, so it could be a risk. But my second impulse is you are a woman smart, wise, and sensible beyond her years, so if you don't think it's out of line, it probably isn't. The thing to consider is if you think you could be friends after you were romantically involved in the past. Hopefully you aren't going to die in like a few years or anything XD, so you have to think ahead, past the bad feelings that would probably occur if you ended things. Do you think you could be an old friend of his? If you think so, no, it isn't out of line. From what you've said, he doesn't strike me as the incredibly shallow type that would somehow use this against you. Can this be undone, if by some incredible bad luck you guys get on horrible terms? I dunno. I think you just have to consider the future.

If you do decide to go through with it, ask him in a way that leaves room for him to say he's not comfortable with it. Maybe you could say you were considering who should be your second, and you thought it should be one of your best friends... "would you be willing to do it?"

[Gurl]

Thanks

Yes, one can revoke or redo a living will/advanced directive at any time...you just have to be sure those you've appointed to be your "voice" Know about the changes.

[Mio]

I think is not a bad idea to have one, and to ask your SO about it it sounds good to me. I have one, but I made it before I met my boy, so I have other people in that position there, but I think is a good idea.