What should I do?

[elin]

I have a problem, or can say that I am a problem.
My love (my SO) has always been like my perfect dream, since august last year, but there is one big problem that started everything. He is very jealous and before he became my boyfriend most of my friends were guys, I didnt like them in that way, they were only my friends. He didnt like that I had guys as friends but I wanted to keep them and that was the reason for our first fight. Our first fight after I think only 4 months in our relation. Thats bad.

He lives in India and I live in Sweden so our lives are very different, our thinking is also too different, atleast according to him. Since I'm swedish I see swedish couples and they dont seem to have any problem with jealous boyfriends or girlfriends. Not like we have. What I think is ok to do he doesnt think is ok so we always fight after ive made some really stupid mistake that I didnt know he would think was a mistake. It can be anything from saying a wrong word to reacting in a way he didnt expect me to react when he says something about our future or saying something that I really understand makes him angry and hurt but that has only happened once. He can never forgive me for anything I do and I always have to beg for him to come back after he has left me. I think he has left me at least 10 times. But its my fault too. Mostly my fault.

Now its too much for him and two days ago he told me to learn how to be in a relation or I just shouldnt be in one.
The thing is that I love him more than I thought I could love anyone and it really feels like ive used him all this time. He has loved me alot and made me smile and done everything a perfect guy should do and I have just messed everything up. Now I cant talk to him for one month, I have one month to learn how to stop making all these mistakes I've made, he'll talk to me on the 7th of june and till then I really need some help from you.
All I know is how to make someone you're actually WITH happy, for me it's so hard because of the distance. If you know any way to help me I would love to know getting some help. I feel really desperate now.
I'm sorry my post is so long and I hope ur patient enough to read it, sorry about my english too I'm just really tired and I can't think clearly because of all this. I didnt know what exactly to tell you all about this so if theres something you wanna know about my situation to help me just ask, I promise I'll answer. Thank you so much for helping me.

[LadyMarchHare]

Don't give yourself that much credit, you are not the problem. He is.

Jealousy is a major issue, especially when you're long distance because you have to trust your SO a LOT so that you are not always having fights. You have a right to have guy friends and to talk to guys and to make mistakes. You're human, you can't be expected to be perfect and bow to his every whim. Personally I'm seeing the way he treats you as nearing abuse because it sounds like he wants control over you to some extent and expects you to be the one that says "I'm sorry" and beg for forgiveness. These things are his problem because he created them, he is the one making the issue, not you.

I'm not very culture-savvy about India but I have encountered men from there and those I have met do not seem to respect women a great deal. I'm not trying to stereotype but there is a possibility that the culture difference is too great and thus your ideas about certain issues do not add up.

But I will repeat again, this is NOT your fault. He is the one who is jealous and is continuously leaving you instead of trying to work out your problems and is blaming you, claiming you have no clue how to be in a relationship. He needs to work on that otherwise you're honestly better off without him.

[princessmeg1328]

I have to agree with Ladymarchhare. It sounds to me like he is trying to control you by saying that you can't have guy friends, you're the one making all the mistakes, etc. You are not the one at fault here. I know that sometimes when you think you've met the perfect guy, you feel like you should do whatever you can to make him happy, but who you are should be enough to make him happy. We all do things that upset our SOs, but not to the extent (usually) where they break up with us 10 times. You're not the one that needs to learn how to be in a relationship. He is. Relationships are about give and take, and it sounds like to me that he is doing a lot of taking and not so much giving.

[Heather]

I don't think that YOU are the problem. In every relationship you have to learn to compromise. Everything can't be his way and everything can't be your way. There's always going to be differences between 2 people, you just have to learn how you both can work through those differences. I don't think it's fair for him or for you to say that "you" are the problem, because clearly his jealous and the way he views things is kinda taking over your relationship, so to speak. When you do talk, have a long talk about compromising but BOTH have to compromise to get through it and work out your problems.

Good luck!

[elin]

Thank you for saying this, I've thought about it and I have felt that it's not only my fault but I knew I could never tell him that he did anything wrong so I just tried to do the best I could to make him happy. The thing is that when he now starts talking to me after a month I feel like I first have to get him back on my side completely before I can make him understand and we both can talk about our problems, I just dont know how to start..

[elin]

I forgot to tell something that at least for me changes the whole situation.
When he grew up (hes 19 now) it wasnt easy for him. He has stayed in different hostels from when he was 4. He doesnt talke about it alot and when he does he talks like its not a big deal. But I know it is. When he needed a hug from his mom all he got was beaten by his teachers and older kids. He used to be good but he has said that he had to become "bad" because he said that in indian you're nothing if ur only good. When he was that he didnt think he was worth anything, he almost killed himself at one point. He didnt have any confidence atall but now hes like the most confident guy I have ever seen. One more thing that changes the situation is that I'm his first love and he used to call my love fake, I think he cant really trust anyone except his best friend who lives at the other side of the country. My family says that these are his problems but I feel like I love him so much that sometimes I can overlook his behaviour because I know life has been pretty mean to him, I also want to help him to get a happy life, which I know he can get with me if he could just realize that and work hard for us. I just dont wanna lose him.

[LadyMarchHare]

You can't shoulder all the problems by yourself, a relationship is a partnership, meaning it's equal. He has shoved all the trash onto your plate, claimed you put it there, and wants you to clean it up. I'm going to venture a guess you have some low self esteem issues, if you didn't have them before this guy you sure have them now. What honestly needs to happen is you both need to have a talk about his behavior, but I'm not sure he'd ever admit to having a personality problem, most won't. And unless he admits he has a problem there is nothing you can do except figure out if you're honestly happy with being told who you can and cannot hang out with, that you're a problem, or if you believe you're better off putting some distance (emotionally and communication-wise) between you two either forever or until he comes to his senses.

[LadyMarchHare]

I forgot to tell something that at least for me changes the whole situation.
When he grew up (hes 19 now) it wasnt easy for him. He has stayed in different hostels from when he was 4. He doesnt talke about it alot and when he does he talks like its not a big deal. But I know it is. When he needed a hug from his mom all he got was beaten by his teachers and older kids. He used to be good but he has said that he had to become "bad" because he said that in indian you're nothing if ur only good. When he was that he didnt think he was worth anything, he almost killed himself at one point. He didnt have any confidence atall but now hes like the most confident guy I have ever seen. One more thing that changes the situation is that I'm his first love and he used to call my love fake, I think he cant really trust anyone except his best friend who lives at the other side of the country. My family says that these are his problems but I feel like I love him so much that sometimes I can overlook his behaviour because I know life has been pretty mean to him, I also want to help him to get a happy life, which I know he can get with me if he could just realize that and work hard for us. I just dont wanna lose him.

Honey a lot of people have their sob stories. I've been a victim of abuse and molestation, I've known people who have been raped, beaten, threatened by boyfriends, and even my own boyfriend has his bad past. Long story short it doesn't excuse bad behavior. It may explain it, but it doesn't excuse it especially if he's never had the strength to get himself proper help. You're not his therapist, you're not his mom's stand-in, you're his girlfriend and he's treating you like a doormat. I don't care if he was spanked by Hitler as an infant, it doesn't excuse what he's doing.

[elin]

I know it seems like I think it's ok as an excuse for his behaviour but its very rare that I think like that, I see it as a reason why he is like this sometimes. He doesnt use it as an excuse either, he doesnt like talking about it. I know I'm his girlfriend and this isnt my fault but I know that I make small things big. Things that arent really big deals. I make them big. I have my reasons for that, one is that I always get scared of losing him whenever he gets a bit angry and that cant be fun for him, I feel like I'm weak and let myself being treated like this. I know I can stop it and make him treat me the way I should be treated but I dont know how. I know many things I wanna do and I could do most of those things if I just knew how. An example is that he knows that he can say whatever he wants and I cant leave him, dont say that it doesnt make everything my fault cuz thats not what I mean, I just mean like we are two people in this relation and if I could just remind him that he can lose me (but he probably cant I just want him to think like he can)
We both have our sob stories but the difference between me and his is that he made himself strong and gave himself a value and I just got saved by him just before it was too late and I made myself the victim. If I just knew how to get out of this I know we can have a normal relation.