Frugal

[Rugger]

I will be the first person to admit that I'm cheap. I try to save as much money as I can. I carpool to and from work with my parents ( even if it means getting up 2 hours earlier), I cut my own bangs, rather than pay the money to get them cut, I rarely go out to dinner and when I do, I don't spend a lot. As a result, I have 2000+ in my bank account. I accidentally let this slip to my SO the last time he visited and he's been teasing be about it ever since because he has less than a thousand in his account.

The weekend of May 22, he and I are going to our college to stay with friends for their graduation. It's an expensive trip. It's a 3.5 hour car ride each way plus food and booze. I don't do it very often because of this fact.

He on the other hand is over whenever he can. He spent a week there maybe a month ago, going out every night. I just found out that he's also going this current weekend.

I'm a little bit annoyed because he's constantly saying how broke he is. Well yeah you are broke, because you are spending it partying at college. I'm not saying I don't like to go up there, but I'd rather have the money in the bank than a hangover.
He texted me ( and then called me when I didn't respond) to ask if I was interested in going up this weekend. I didn't answer his text b/c I was annoyed and would possibly say something bad. Well he called and asked me and I think I hurt his feelings. He said that he'd been thinking of visiting me this weekend and decided to go to Cortland instead because the gas to get here would kill him. I pointed out that between gas food and booze, it would be about the same " and then I said " For a person who is so broke, you sure seem to be spending a lot". He got quiet and then I told him I would think about coming.

I feel like a total asshole. I shouldn't have said it. It's his money and he can do what he likes with it. I just get annoyed with him blowing his money as fast as he makes it instead of saving it for doing something worthwhile, like closing the distance. I am such a jerk

[Miramaid]

i do not think you are a jerk and I would feel hurt if my SO would be spending money to go on trips here and there and tell me how he doesn't have money to come visit me.
Yes he can do whatever he wants with his money, but it is normal for you to get upset over him not making you a priority and not making plans to save up to close the distance.
Just my 5 cents

[JEREIANEDREI]

..yah i think you have the right of being upset,,for the fact that your SO is spending his money just for his own party goodies...but maybe he just want to enjoy his life being a bachelor...that in the future maybe he has a surprise and tell you one day that he wants to close the distance....Men are not showee like we girls,,but they are logical...

[Moon]

No, you're not a jerk. See, you're right, it is his money and he can do whatever he wants with it, but if you're considering a life with this man, you have to know about his financial habits and stability. Money and sex are the biggest reasons given for break-ups, so you need to know now what you may be getting yourself into, it's really, really important. It wouldn't work if you're busy saving every penny for your future, and he goes into that joint account you'd have if you lived together and blows it on trips to see friends. Even with separate accounts, someone's gotta pay the bills, you know? So, no, you aren't a jerk, you're smart to find this out before you close the distance, so you and he can discuss it and see what compromises need to be made beforehand.

I wholeheartedly disagree with JEREIANEDREI. All men are not necessarily logical, and not more logically thinking than women in a lot of cases, like yours. You're the one thinking here, it sounds like he's still got a bit of growing up to do.

[Mara]

It is his money, but the two of you are in a long distance relationship and it takes money for visits and for eventually closing the distance. There's nothing wrong with going out with friends or having a good time, but there is such a thing as being excessive. Spending all of his money as soon as he gets it is what I would call excessive.

Maybe you could suggest to him to start a savings account for trips or closing the distance? It sounds like he's the sort of person that needs to be able to set money aside somewhere where he can't touch it.

[Rugger]

The other part of it is that he's spending ALOT more time with his friends than he is with me. I see him once a month for 2 days. He's spent more time with them in the past month than he's spent with me in the last 6 or so. That's another thing I have to talk to him about.

He actually texted me after we last talked and apologized for making me mad (Which I wasn't) and I apologized for being a jerk. We're going to talk more about money when he gets back from visiting.

[LadyMarchHare]

..yah i think you have the right of being upset,,for the fact that your SO is spending his money just for his own party goodies...but maybe he just want to enjoy his life being a bachelor...that in the future maybe he has a surprise and tell you one day that he wants to close the distance....Men are not showee like we girls,,but they are logical...

If there was a term for women bashing men (and I'm sure there is) that is what I would label this entire post. Basically being a misogynist only backwards. I would also like to point out the man's not a bachelor, he's in a relationship.

Back to the topic: It sounds to me like he doesn't quite have his priorities straight when it comes to money and personally I find it rather unfair that he complains to you about his lack of money. My SO makes more than I do, but he has a job and I don't. I never complain about my financial situation although he is aware that I am on disability and only make x amount a month for bills. It's fine to say "I can't afford this right now" or "I need to save up" but to whine about your lack of funds and then turn around and be careless with what you do have? Again, messed up priorities.

Basically I agree with Moon's post as she put it in better words than I can. You're not a jerk. I think anyone would be annoyed in this situation, I know I would.

[prinzeza87]

Basically I agree with Moon's post as she put it in better words than I can. You're not a jerk. I think anyone would be annoyed in this situation, I know I would.

she said it all for me...

[Silviar]

Add my voice to Moon's. While you shouldn't boss your SO around on his money, him complaining about money while leaking it through his fingers is a sign he's not linking his spending to his financial situation. There's a bit of denial there. Many people aren't very good at finances, so maybe what he needs is some financial education. Perhaps there's some way to point out that he brings his situation on himself and he needs to see his own cause and effect. I'm not sure if you could talk about that without him getting defensive, but it'd be good for you both if you could!

The other part of it is that he's spending ALOT more time with his friends than he is with me. I see him once a month for 2 days. He's spent more time with them in the past month than he's spent with me in the last 6 or so. That's another thing I have to talk to him about.

He actually texted me after we last talked and apologized for making me mad (Which I wasn't) and I apologized for being a jerk. We're going to talk more about money when he gets back from visiting.

Best of luck! I really hope that it helps, and you guys are able to see eye to eye on the things that're going on.

[Rugger]

He and I need to have a long talk about closing the distance as well. Right now it's very abstract and I think it's making it hard for him to save money. It's hard to save when you don't have a clear goal in mind. It's easier for me to save because I have things that I want to save for. My one saving's account is for LASIK srugery and my soon to-be second is going to be college savings fro future children.

I think it might be easier if he had something to visualize putting the money towards.

[Lunar Snow]

I think others have put it really well. Regarding your last post, I would think that closing the distance or having more visits with you would be things that he could visualize putting the money towards. Or do you mean something more specific to help close the distance would be ideal? I greatly sympathize with being frustrated about vagueries on closing the distance. I think that because he is vague about closing the distance, possibly even to himself, that that vagueness absolutely relates to how he manages his wallet.

I had a great deal more down, but my post was eaten. So, I will say more simply that I can identify with how both you and he are feeling a bit. For him, I think it might be important to make it clear to him that you are not wanting him to cut off trips to see friends or social activities outside of you entirely. It's important for him not to feel isolated from friends, but he could plan seeing friends out with much more consideration of seeing you as an alternative and also saving for closing the distance. More specifically that, yes, you would like him to take these weekend trips less and when he does want to, for him to really consider if there is another way to meet up with these friends (maybe they could meet half-way or even come to see him every alternating time), how much he is spending on meals out and drinks, and maybe even design a rough budget that would allow him to go out every once in awhile and still save for closing the distance, etc. It's possible that many of us, him included, maybe aren't and will never be as good at saving money as some like you are, but I think that he could definitely be helped by clarifying to himself and you what his goal is for closing the distance, some basic steps of what he needs to do to get there, and some strategies to help him save (you could really help him on this last part).

I hope you are able to have a talk about these things soon and that it goes well.

[jlb14]

I fight with my SO about money since he smokes. I tell him he cannot complain about money as long as he is still smoking. Ohhhhh don't get me started! Haha.