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**knhdarw** · May 15, 2011, 01:02 AM

and is it selfish for my parents to ask him to be the only one to travel... cause if i wrer to go to him now after they have told me now when i got back it would be BAD very bad....

**kiara_silver** · May 15, 2011, 01:09 AM

My parents were really not for this, and my dad to this day still thinks im stupid and nieve, and have heard so much negativity from him. He isn't supportive at all. I am only 18 (19 this june) And i lean alot on my family, sadly im not supporting myself in any way. I've made clear tho to my family that im with Nathan, im bieng careful and not rushing, but i love him and im not going to leave him, regardless of my family disapproval. Its hard though, ive cried over the things my dad or sister have said, even my mom who is helping me meet up with him has said at one time that she wishes i wouldn't be with him, and that hurts. My familys really close... weather i like it or not, they control alot in my life. but don't give up, because in the end its your life. Since your not paying for your car and your still in college maybe u have to just wait to go see him. or just plan a short visit. Your parents may be mad, but as time goes on and your still with him they will eventually see i think. Prove them wrong, show that it can work out. Save up, so you have enough for gas, and when ur free and have a 3 day visit or such, because technically you are a adult, and they really can't forbid you. Easier said then done, i know how hard it is to go against uour parents will, im still freaking out about doing this. (meeting this june for the first time, and will be doing alot of things my parents will disprove of, they have no idea i plan to go places with him without them near) sometimes u just have to take risks and go for it. You only have one life, and love, true love is a once in a lifetime chance, and if your SO is that guy, you don't want to lose and miss out on being with him just because your parents disapproved.
sorry if im no help, i dont really have a good answer or advice, i feel for you, but stay strong!

**LadyMarchHare** · May 15, 2011, 01:17 AM

I understand your situation completely, I'm in a similar one myself. I've never told my mom the particulars of how I met my guy and she hates him (really the only two positive things she can say is "he's not a woman and he makes you happy, most of the time" ) and when I first tried meeting him I was ready to come home to a changed lock even though I had asked permission and she had reluctantly said yes. I don't talk about him because she waits with bated breath for any tidbit of negativity to lord over him via me. They only spoke once and that once she threatened him within an inch of his life if he hurt me.

I can see where their current mindset is since you did fib to them and I'm sure they think you're stretching the truth in other areas as well so it is a trust issue. I don't know if they've always perceived you as someone with questionable judgement or dumb or whatever may be the reason they cannot seem to at least put a front of respect for the decision you've made regarding your love life. Really it's none of their business personally I think the most one should get involved without permission would be the usual "be safe" warnings but I realize everyone has their own perception about how much of their child's business is theirs in turn. They're entitled to their opinions but you're not entitled to hearing them or following them, if that makes sense.

Have you tried asking them the specifics of why they are so against the relationship, if there was something you could do to perhaps prove to them this isn't a flight of fancy or some expensive booty call? If you know why they're against it there's always a chance you can find a way to persuade their views to change. How long have you guys been together? I'm thinking time and perhaps age difference might also be a factor, but that's speculation.

**LotusWing** · May 15, 2011, 06:00 AM

Originally posted by knhdarw View Post

I lied to my parents about where i was when i went to see him and that cause MAJOR tension when i came back home after 5 days it was WW3 and a half and now my parents and I havent really had the same kind of relationship and i dont think i can ever repair it.

You lied to your parents, so how can you expect them to support you and believe in your relationship?

Originally posted by knhdarw View Post

Ive made my bed now i must lay in it but now my dad and mom refuse to speak to him on the phone to get to know him better they think im stupid and throwing my life away for him, But i love him more then anyone knows.

I don't think it is a good idea to know someone better through phone. When he was there, he should have visited your parents and introduced himself. I understand your parents, cause phone is not a good way to "meet" their daughter's bf. Either they think that he doesn't love you very much because he haven't visited you yet OR if they know that you two have met, then it was very rude of him for not saying hi to his gf's parents.

Originally posted by knhdarw View Post

I asked yes asked to go to see him where he lives which is about 1100 miles away and they refuse they say because of safety reasons but idk i think there just afraid i wont come back til august which is 100% not true as much as i would like to stay there financially it isnt in the cards to stay

They refuse because they care. How can they be sure that you will be ok to visit a "stranger"? They haven't met him yet (right?), so how can they trust your SO? Yes, they are afraid but not afraid that you won't come back, but afraid that you will get hurt in a unknown place where they can't help you.

Originally posted by knhdarw View Post

And my SO says that my parents are trying to destroy us because there very controlling and cant handle that
A. i have a serious BF
B. he's long distance
C. they think its pointless to have a relationship thats a LDR

Does his parents know anything about you? Does he live with his parents? You know that parents can be overprotected to their daughters, and only wish the best for their daughters. I don't think they are trying to destroy your relationship and I don't think that they think your bf is serious with the relationship. It's not that they can't handle that you have a serious bf, cause how do they know when they haven't met him?
It's difficult for your parents to believe in LDR when they never heard any successful story about it, or met anyone who has been in a LDR (who already closed the distance). If you want to let them see that they are wrong, then show them

Originally posted by knhdarw View Post

All im asking is they dont have to like it just respect me enough to not make it harder for me and him then it already is LDR's are hard when you have support but when your like ME and him and have NO support then it makes the situation a 100 times worse on everyone. My parents and me are so stressed out that u can cut the tension with a knife.. Today i heard my parents arguing and my dad said me was fed up and done he couldnt take it any more... Am i really that bad that he would just be like whatever because i asked him twice to let me go to see the man im in love with.

Like I mentioned before, you lied to them and they haven't met him so how can you expect them to respect you if you don't respect them? It's also very hard/difficult for them because their daughter can't see their reason why they act like that. How can they support you if you don't listen to their words? Of course they would fed up and can't take it anymore. Their words just go through your ears... they know that you're in love, and no matter what they say, you won't listen.

My advice to you is that he should meet your parents and introduce himself. He should show your parents that he love you very much and is serious with you. That way your parents get to know him better, instead through phone.

When I was dating my SO, my family didn't believe in LDR and they were afraid that my SO was only playing with my feelings. My SO showed them that they were wrong. He flew from USA to Denmark (Europe) and stayed at my family's place. The first day they met him, they accepted him. They could see that he's serious and is a very nice person. They trust him cause they could see that he really care about me and love me very much. Since then I don't have problem visiting him or him visiting me. They even asked me when I'm going to marry him and when I'm going to close the distance.

I think you should talk to your parents again, but of course in a nice way. Try to understand them, and ask them what you can do to show them that you and your SO are serious. Then talk to your SO if he could visit you again, and meet your parents.
I wish you the best

**knhdarw** · May 15, 2011, 05:30 PM

I'm extremely close to my family this is the first time ive ever done something that went against there "strict" orders but i would do it 100 times over for him... My parents pay for everything of mine and i know that they would cut me off and it would kill me. but Kiara i hope for our sakes our parents come around and give up there support to us

LadyMarch- no my parents have never once doubted my judgement ever now they just think im throwing my future away even though im going to be a junior in college pre-med and have a great future ahead of me and my SO wont delay that @ all he makes me work harder and makes me wanna b the best i can be. And they still think that i should ask permission to do anything @ 20yrs old if i go 30 minutes down the road shopping i have to ask if i can go now even though i can pay for the trip and everything... And a lot i know has to do with me as you said fibbing but i shouldnt have to fib @ 20 i should get a lecture about being safe and all that not a i dont think its smart you dont really know this boy everything he's telling you is a lie blah blah blah. And no i listin to there opinion but i honestly dont care but if i dont do what they say the amount of chin music i have to listin to would be infinite every time i came into the room they;d add something and when i came back id have to get a job and all kinds of stuff just ugh haha....

Lotus- OMG i fully agree with all your advice and yea i agree with you on the i lied so im SOL about them trusting me but like i said b4 im 20yrs old have my own money i lied to them because they wouldnt have let me see him. and yea phone not the best idea to get to know someone but my parents are like flip flops one day he can come in and meet them and the next day they want NOTHING to do with them which causes me and my SO issues cause he doesnt feel like he can come to visit me without causing me problems with them and my parents dont understand why he just doesnt move here to where i live they do not care that he cannot find a decent job where i live because i live in a small town and not a lot of bog businesses around here @ all.
And yes there worry is about me getting hurt i know that and i completely understand but how can you meet someone when you kinda refuse to do so, and hes a stranger to them i have best friends whom they have never met because i refuse to let them be scrutinized my servilely judgmental parents i wont put them threw that it....
And his parents could care less and i think dont wanna know about us because he got out of a horrible relationship about a 1 and a half years ago and she was vicious to him as well as his entire family so there scared for him to be with someone else and said that they do not wanna know about his relationship's ever. and he does live and support his parents financially and yea i get all the rest and understand what your saying completely

and I want him to meet him and to fall for him like i have he may be able to meet him end of may or in july on our normal family vacations. and hes not aloud to stay @ my parents place they refuse to have him stay here. and i hope when they do get to meet him they can see hes serious and that he loves me and they lighten up and allow me to go and see him so i can meet his family and friends as well. they do not want me to close the distance they want him to close the distance and marriage im the girl that doesnt wanna get married haha but he's the one guy that i would get married for

and if he comes in again he WILL meet my parents if i have to drag him there i cant handle all this stress myself hes gotta be there with me so they can get a full view of him and understand that hes not a expensive booty call or a fling, that im serious about him and i would love to spend my life with me..

thanks you guys <3

**LadyMarchHare** · May 15, 2011, 05:59 PM

Originally posted by knhdarw View Post

I'm extremely close to my family this is the first time ive ever done something that went against there "strict" orders but i would do it 100 times over for him... My parents pay for everything of mine and i know that they would cut me off and it would kill me. but Kiara i hope for our sakes our parents come around and give up there support to us

LadyMarch- no my parents have never once doubted my judgement ever now they just think im throwing my future away even though im going to be a junior in college pre-med and have a great future ahead of me and my SO wont delay that @ all he makes me work harder and makes me wanna b the best i can be. And they still think that i should ask permission to do anything @ 20yrs old if i go 30 minutes down the road shopping i have to ask if i can go now even though i can pay for the trip and everything... And a lot i know has to do with me as you said fibbing but i shouldnt have to fib @ 20 i should get a lecture about being safe and all that not a i dont think its smart you dont really know this boy everything he's telling you is a lie blah blah blah. And no i listin to there opinion but i honestly dont care but if i dont do what they say the amount of chin music i have to listin to would be infinite every time i came into the room they;d add something and when i came back id have to get a job and all kinds of stuff just ugh haha....

If you are living under their roof or you are reliant on them to any degree financially, you have to respect and abide by their rules despite being an adult according to the law. Believe me I'm not a fan of it, I live with my mom despite being 21 and I still rely on her for a lot of things so I have to take into consideration her point of view and if she flat out refuses something and I can't persuade her to my side, I have to get over it. Every parent deals with their child's safety in a different way. Sometimes it's more lenient or understandable from the child's point of view, sometimes it's strict, almost suffocating and they can't see the reasoning behind it and thus label their parents insane or cruel. If your parents didn't love you or care about you, they wouldn't even bat an eye if you ran off tomorrow and became a hooker. Could they loosen their hold a bit? Sure, but that's something you and your parents need to discuss and since you have already lied to them I doubt a deal is going to be put on the table and taken. No you shouldn't have to lie, you shouldn't have to withhold the truth, but ultimately that's life.

No offense because honestly I'm not trying to insult you by saying this, but it sounds like you haven't quite grown out of your teenage rebellion phase. I get that from your last sentence directed at me about how you listen but don't care and refer to their lectures as "chin music". Nobody likes getting a lecture, being told they're wrong, having someone disagree with you, but they are your parents and unless you show them you're capable of being the adult you say you are then they will continue to treat you like you're 12 and can still be grounded to your room for swearing at the dinner table. Your parents are only doing what they believe is best, what will keep you safe because that's their job. It always will be, even when you're 50. Show them they can relax a little when it comes to you, not that they have to chain you up in the yard.

**knhdarw** · May 15, 2011, 07:09 PM

ladymarch- i dont l=find it insulting because thats the exact words my father and sister both use im from a small southern town its kinda a stable around here and no its not that i havent grown out of my rebellion i never had a rebellious stage. Ive never been grounded, whipped, or any major disciplined other then lectures, its not that im immature or havent grown up most people call me spoiled not immature. I'm not proud of tht fact but my parents gave me everything i wanted and asked for until now i was the perfect daughter for 20yrs and they think that my SO has cause me to change but thats not true i havent changed just grown and not as reliant on them anymore if need be i could financially take care of my self i only ask permission because i respect there opinion. and take there opinion into consideration. And my grandmother did the same thing to my mother and dad she all but literally chained her to the bed my mom n dad were married after only 4-5 months of dating and are still together today. So it will not matter what i do to try and prove to them i can take care of myself they will ALWAYS tell me what to do and not to do even if im no longer under there roof...

**FadedSunrise** · May 15, 2011, 07:28 PM

I feel ya =-= I'm living the same situation. But since visiting either way isn't in the cards for me until I move out for graduate school, I'm just not going to try breathing a word of him again until I'm out and financially independent(if poor). I can't handle the tension it would create(and have been extremely depressed about it previously) so I'm not going to touch it until needed later on if we're still together. In my case, I know they care, but the way they do it is POOR. It often ends in my mother guilt tripping me for one reason or another, whether or not my final decision was to follow her rules.

**LadyMarchHare** · May 15, 2011, 07:28 PM

You don't go through rebellious phases just because you were heavily disciplined, mistreated, or anything else. Everyone goes through them to an extent because it's how we break out of being a child and tell the world, "hey I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna grow up and rock this world!" I never implied that was exactly what you were doing but the way you talk gives me the impression that you're not quite at full maturity, mentally, and your actions do back that up to a degree. Also I wouldn't go comparing your parents' relationship to yours because you aren't going to follow in their footsteps and their success as a couple will not dictate your own success. If it did I'd be married to a child molester right about now.

As I said before, it is your parents' job to look out for you and give you advice even if you don't want it or didn't ask for it. They're not doing it to be douchebags or ruin your life or anything else, it's how they show they care and they're only human so they are subject to mistakes and going overboard with their wanting to protect you. You don't have to follow their advice, you don't have to march to the beat of their drum, but you can take what they say with a grain of salt and find a better way to live your life and hold your relationship without lying or blowing proverbial raspberries at them, you know?

**kiara_silver** · May 15, 2011, 07:38 PM

My parents think this too. Or my dad more so, that ive changed because of my SO, that he's a bad influence on me. I can relate to alot of what your saying, i to am spoiled as well, i've pretty much been given anything i wanted. And they have always been very much in my life, they let me persue my intrest but they have always had a say in my life, and a huge input and ive never really rebelled against anything. Nathan is the only thing that my parents are against. I think some parents and familys are just like this, when your a tight knit family, ur always in each others business, and family has that right "to a extent" to give there opinion and tell you what they think.There always your parents yes, but they can't forbid something like love when your a adult i think. I mean i understand, your living under there roof so you follow there rules. (one reason i was quick to move out XD) but you are 20, you say they never have questioned your judgement before, so yes they will always tell you what to do, but you don't always have to listen at some point you have to live your own life. Like your parents, they didn't let your grandmother get in the way, so don't let them get in the way of you. But i think you can prove to them and they will see, actions speak louder then words, when they see you working and making your own money, or being independent, and see your relationship last and soon they don't have anything to say.I think things just work out with time, in the end just live life with no regrets. That what my dad told me, because yeah parents lecture and get upset but in the end they just want whats best for you and for you to be happy. They worry because LDR is silly to some people, they don't see how it can possibly work or be real so there automatically against it, but its just because they don't understand it.

**knhdarw** · May 15, 2011, 08:44 PM

Kiara- I'm right there with ya and yea my parents arent so much against him more as they just dont want anything to do with it they are as they put it FED up and done with the situation. idk what to do anymore all i do is school and a internship thats it and talk to my bf cause thats all i have time for and they think im blowing my life on a stupid boy who cant support me and that they think is a liar and this is without knowing them and until i graduate in 2 years a job would be difficult with everything i have to do with school.

Just wish i knew how to fix this situation? any ideas

**kiara_silver** · May 15, 2011, 09:17 PM

You say that they don't want to give him a chance and talk to him on the phone. Why not just post pone your visit with him and see if you can work out him visiting you again, and introduce him to your parents in person? They can have a up close in face meeting and he can show his sincerity to them and show them that he isn't playing games that he really loves you and just because its a LDR it still is real.

**knhdarw** · May 16, 2011, 01:25 AM

haha hes coming here in 10days to our memorial day family vaca after that they will have nothing to say about this i hope

**LotusWing** · May 16, 2011, 01:49 AM

Wow that's a good news!!

If he can't stay at your parents' place, then he can try to find a hotel nearby.
Remember that the first impression is very important. I wish you two good luck!! Please update us about it

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Sad and confused!!! here to write but feel free to send me advice or anything :/

Sad and confused!!! here to write but feel free to send me advice or anything :/

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