Bothered

[Moon]

I have a little situation that's really bothering me right now. I realize it's probably silly and not what we've agreed, but I can't help to feel, I dunno, under-important, or maybe not loved enough?

Anyway, my guy and I work together, we do the same job, I do it for the US and he does it for Europe. There are 4 of us actually, 2 at each site, and on the US side of things my co-worker quit about a month ago. We're currently recruiting for his replacement, and I've hinted unsubtly that I wished my boyfriend would transfer over and take the (lateral) position. I know our manager would let him, if the proper channels approved the move. He avoids the subject, or makes a stupid joke about it, and I know that we agreed that I'd move there after a few years, once my elderly dog isn't with me anymore, and my daughter is out of the house, and we're ready, but this is a practically perfect opportunity that we may not get again, in either direction.

My boyfriend also happens to be pretty anti-American, and isn't too fond of this country, even though he's yet to ever visit here, but it's a hell of a lot easier for a foreigner to work here than it is for a foreigner to find work in Finland.

I'm trying to not let this bother me and I'm failing miserably. I can't help but think that we might not get this chance again, where employment is involved, and I get that he has no desire to ever live in the US, but I still feel hurt and like I'm not important enough for him to at least think about it, or that he doesn't really love me enough yet to consider closing the distance.

I'm so not the clingy, needy type either, I love my independence, and I'm not pushy about things, so I don't know why this feels so bad. Am I just having a momentary lapse of reason here and just being stupid?

[snow_girl]

I can understand the convenience for your relationship for him to take the job. But to work with a SO can also put stress on the relationship. Say you live together and then you have a fight. Normally you could go to work and get your mind off it for a bit, maybe vent to a coworker, what happens when your SO is your coworker? I love my Bf to death but I don't think I would want to live with and work with him. It's nice to have some space away so you can enjoy the time you have.

[Moon]

I can understand the convenience for your relationship for him to take the job. But to work with a SO can also put stress on the relationship. Say you live together and then you have a fight. Normally you could go to work and get your mind off it for a bit, maybe vent to a coworker, what happens when your SO is your coworker? I love my Bf to death but I don't think I would want to live with and work with him. It's nice to have some space away so you can enjoy the time you have.

Hmmm...you're right about that. Although I don't think we'd live together for at least a year first, just to take the pressure off. We both very used to being on our own, and talked about it before, and I told him when I move, I want to get my own place at first. I probably should have mentioned that

[Micah]

I could see why you would feel the way you feel. Perhaps you don't necessarily want him to move to the U.S., but you want him to want to move to the U.S. to be with you. I hope that makes sense. Plus, the situation seems like an ideal one for him to move to the U.S. since he would have a job in place. I think if I was in your shoes I would feel the same way, so it's understandable that you are feeling the way you do. I don't think it's stupid at all. I think it's completely reasonable because I am sure a lot of people here would jump for that sort of opportunity.

[snow_girl]

Fair enough. Would one of you have a higher position then the other? That could cause a bit of a strain as well if one of you had to 'report' to the other. Its not always easy to switch from a couple relationship to a professional one. I think if he was to consider the job, these are things you should discuss before hand. What happens if we have a fight? Is that going to affect us doing our jobs and working together? Would you have a problem if I am given more responsibility then you? (jealousy issues perhaps) Will you be able to take orders from me?

[Moon]

Fair enough. Would one of you have a higher position then the other? That could cause a bit of a strain as well if one of you had to 'report' to the other. Its not always easy to switch from a couple relationship to a professional one. I think if he was to consider the job, these are things you should discuss before hand. What happens if we have a fight? Is that going to affect us doing our jobs and working together? Would you have a problem if I am given more responsibility then you? (jealousy issues perhaps) Will you be able to take orders from me?

Good questions! Actually, we've talked about this, only because it would affect us pretty much the same either long or close distance. We're the same technically, although because of the different make ups between the Helsinki office and mine, he's got more responsibility probably. If either of us were promoted, and one of us had to report to the other, we're obligated under our employer's rules to come clean to management, and the "lower" one would be transferred to another department. We've somehow managed to not let anyone know, although plenty of people are suspicious We work really well together, and I think we'd be OK there, we keep work and home separate nicely, but I have told him "Girlfriend Jen isn't mad at you, but work Jen IS!", we laugh and talk about it during work hours then.

[Alexandria Lora]

I couldn't help but wonder if it is not an issue of him wanting to move over, but from his perspective, you both had decided on you moving to Finland. Maybe he feels that is the final decision and felt the transfer was not even a consideration. My SO is like that, if I switch up on a decision we both made, he reminds me of our decision (in a gruffy manner hehe). But he likes to settle on a decision, it is just his way.

Like you said, your SO doesn't much like america and you and he had decided to live in Finland, moving back and forth would seem like so much work. I am just trying to see his side of it. Where as I understand your side as well and just wanting him to express even a small consideration of a move would be nice to hear too.

Do you really want him to be in america? Do you no longer wish to move to Finland?

[LadyMarchHare]

Alexandria: I don't think the point is she doesn't want to go to Finland anymore, it's more that a job opportunity has risen for him where she is where there is none awaiting her if she does move. Naturally having a job to be able to pay the bills is an important role in life, especially when you're moving anywhere else in either the country or the world.

I can understand the frustration, just on a smaller scale. My SO has always expressed clear distaste for Louisiana and I'm pretty sure the only way I could persuade him to move here would be if I had a job ready for him, which obviously I can't do. At this point the whole thing's moot because I have no career future in this state anyway so it's better for me to move. It only bothers me because I'm proud of where I come from and its unique culture and influences from every heritage that has been in the area. Personally I can't see how one can hate a place they've never been to. If he's been in the US before and had a bad experience, I still don't see why that should color his decision. If he's honestly uncomfortable with moving and feels he will not be happy there despite still having the same job essentially and being with you, there's not much you can do unfortunately. Pain in the ass, but life isn't exactly a theme park.

[Caitlin2009]

he can at least make a compromise with you, its funny he doesnt like America too much(which i kinda understand given my circumstances at the moment) considering he's dating an american woman, but have a long serious talk about it because even though he doesnt wanna move there it might only be for a few years and then you guys can go move to wherever he is or wants to go, its at least closing the distance which im pretty sure you would both would like

[Moon]

LMH is right, I'm still OK with moving in a few years, I was just hoping that because of this unexpected opportunity, he'd want to take a chance on closing the distance sooner Oh well, maybe he's just not ready enough and coming here at this time would be just too far out of his comfort zone.

[Malaga]

Oh well, maybe he's just not ready enough and coming here at this time would be just too far out of his comfort zone.

It's what I was thinking too. It seems like a situation with a relatively short time-frame for such a big decision - surely the management want to fill the vacant position as soon as possible. Perhaps he's just not flexible enough to be comfortable with it and feels like sticking to the original plan would be better in the long run.

[Tanja]

Finnish men. When they decide something it's practically impossible to change their minds! They're just plain stubborn.

It's not silly at all to react the way you do. You said you're independent and not needy or clingy but you can still get upset over the fact that he's been offered probably a once in a lifetime opportunity to be with you and still do the same job he loves. I bet most of the people on this forum would take that chance without hesitating.
I think your reaction only shows how much you really care for this man, and obviously you care, maybe even more than you thought?

I can still understand his side of the story as well. You've already decided together that you're going to move to Finland in a few years and now suddenly the opportunity has risen to close the distance - it's probably too sudden for him since he already has his mind set doing it sometime in the future. Also, he might be just plain scared to make the move. All along he's thought that YOU will be moving to him. I think it's his nerves that are stopping him from doing this - it's like someone knocked on your door and said you can do a Benji jump right now. Many people would chicken out.

Do you know when this job offer is closing? I think you should tell him honestly how you feel and that it upsets you that he's just passing the offer. After all, if he made the move you could still move back to Finland just like you planned, you'd just get to spend the years waiting for it together. And saying that he doesn't like America really isn't a valid reason, especially if he's never even been there. If there's nothing holding him back then I don't see why this couldn't work, it's really up to him whether he wants to do it or not. You can't make him want to doit but if you talk it out with him he just might wanna do it himself.

No matter what though you'll be closing the distance eventually and you already have a vague idea when and how it's going to happen, so if this doesn't work out it doesn't mean it's all over! You'll just have to wait for your happy ending a little bit longer