Losing that... spark?

[churchgrim]

I'll have been with my boyfriend for three years in August. We've never met, and probably won't until I'm eighteen as he has no plans to come down here, so I have to wait until I'm done with school and have enough money to fly over to him. My question is, how common is it to just lose that good feeling you used to get at the start? For quite a while now I've just felt sort of numb when talking to him, and I just want that back. When he tells me he loves me, sometimes I hesitate when replying. I feel terrible about all this, but I just can't seem to stop from getting down about it. I mean, we can have wonderful times together, and I just... feel so good when that happens. But I don't want to feel so bad all the time.

I'm wondering if any of you have gone through this, or are going through it?
I'm hoping that when I meet him, things will sort out. But you never really know.

[garnet]

Hmm. I didn't lose the spark with Rane, but I know that I was getting depressed and feeling hopeless for a bit before we met. It seemed like it would never happen. When it finally did, all was good.

Is there any reason that your bf wont come see you? Do your parents know/accept this relationship? Would they be okay if he came to see you? After this long, I'm surprised he is just putting it all on you, wait, save up, your problem. Thats not cool...
If there isn't a reason for him not to come out there, maybe you should have a talk with him about all of this and try to get him into the spirit of getting out there and actually meeting. :/

[churchgrim]

I guess we just always planned that I'd go see him. He's scared of flying, too. My parents know about him, and I guess they accept it. They want him to come here first, otherwise they say I can't fly out and meet him, so yeah.

[garnet]

Well honestly after this long, I wouldn't accept him saying, hey, lets wait two MORE years, then you save up. Thats ridiculous. If he has the means, he should come see you. He should WANT to come see you. I am very puzzled that meeting soon isn't a priority for him. Most LDR couples are just crazed in a hurry to meet. Have you had a talk with him about maybe changing the plans?

If he just wont do it and you are okay with that, to get the spark back, maybe you should actually take a little break from talking. Not break up, but just a little you time. See if you miss him. If you do, the spark might return when you communicate again. Or just try to webcam if you can, that always helps Rane and I get through anything. Do you exchange snail mail? I find that helps keep things feeling more alive too.

[churchgrim]

He didn't really say it, I guess he just accepted it. Whenever I get upset about the wait, he just tells me it'll be over soon. It's not always that comforting any more, haha. And he has said he'll help with the tickets, which he's saving for now. But I'll still need spending money, food money, money for insurance and all that. So I figure I'll need about 5k, maybe 3k minimum. ;-; And honestly, no. I don't like talking to him about my feelings about it, because usually I just end up making both of us miserable, ugh. Haha. Webcam does help, yeah. But I can't go on it too much, since it eats through our broadband or whatever. We're trying to start sending a book back and forward between us every once in a while, so I'm hoping I can send it for his birthday.

[garnet]

Ah that sucks, international travel is crazy expensive. It certainly slowed rane and I down. What country is your bf from? The book sounds like a good idea! Maybe you just need some new things to add to your relationship. Thats too bad about the broadband issues.

[churchgrim]

Yeah. ;-; Just under 3k for return tickets. And he's in America. California.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

I don't think we've lost that spark. Normally we see each other every 2-3 months though. And when it happens, I'm definitely thank you. I feel rejuvenated, I once heard someone on here refer to it as hitting the refresh button. It sucks to leave, but I'm like "Ok I'm ready to push through another 3 months." Maybe try some of the things on here. I like the book, maybe it will help. Tell him about the forum and Love Letter Day. Even if you don't participate on the 11th, make a date that you will both set aside time to write a letter. Or even a card, I check the card aisle every now and then and just pick up one or two I like and send them whenever. Webcamming helps us, it helps just seeing one another, I can understand its difficult with your connection so maybe........something in place of that. Like, send one another a picture once a week/once a month. Just take a normal picture before you head out for the day. OR I write real big on a piece of paper "I LOVE YOU." or "I MISS YOU" and decorate it then take a picture holding it. Not quite the same as webcam, but you're still seeing one another.

I think the "numb" could be a defense mechanism. Like you miss you and it hurts, it's not an enjoyable feeling, so it's what your brain is doing to not have to deal with the pain. My brain tends to turn the overwhelming feelings into anger....I get mad at him for the most ridiculous things, I think it's just easier for my heart to feel anger than to feel so heavy with missing him.

Maybe you need to spice things up. Read through the ideas on the main site and tell him the ones you like. Maybe you two could do some of those. Just tell him that the distance is getting to you and you need new things to feel closer to him and you found this site and the list. *hugs*

[churchgrim]

Ah, yeah. I'm holding hope that when we finally meet, it will be like that - refreshing our relationship. And yeah, I think that's it. I also tend to find myself getting angry when the distance bugs me.

Thanks, you two. (:

[agentholli]

I would also agree that it may just be that you are letting the distance get in the way..so instead of enjoying him, all you can think about is the distance. I know that I tend to do that also. In a way when I get this way i start feeling like he isn't call me as much or he didn't say I love you the last time we talked...and it starts to really bother me ...but then when I set those feelings aside and focus on just why I love him..its all better. Maybe you are resenting him..for not meeting yet...and so you can't quite see the spark.

I havent met my SO yet either. I have known him for a year and a half...so it hasn't been as long as you, but I understand your frustration and what not. I hope you can work it out and get that spark back!

[Svea]

Well honestly after this long, I wouldn't accept him saying, hey, lets wait two MORE years, then you save up. Thats ridiculous. If he has the means, he should come see you. He should WANT to come see you. I am very puzzled that meeting soon isn't a priority for him. Most LDR couples are just crazed in a hurry to meet. Have you had a talk with him about maybe changing the plans?

EXACTLY. Agreed 100%.

[Mio]

I never felt so, but our relationship was different. All I can say is that I wish you can meet soon and spend time together!

[Zephii]

Obi and I never lost that spark, but then, technically, we didn't start dating until after we'd met in person, and before then the fear that each other would find someone else kept the spark truly on edge

Fear of flying is no reason not to visit someone. I'm afraid of flying too, my flight to meet Obi was the first time I'd even been in an airport, and I was horribly airsick for 7 hours of the 15 hour flight, but sometimes you have to do things that scare you. Eventually he'll have to fly to NZ to meet your family and friends and all that, so what's the use of putting it off?
I believe that honesty is the key to a good relationship. Tell him how you feel, regardless of how that effects his mood, because it's important for him to know - especially if a visit two years earlier could potentially save the relationship.