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    Okay, what do I do?

    My SO and I are doing better than ever. Now that we've made ourselves exclusive and worked through this, it's like a second honeymoon phase, but better since we already know each other so well. Yesterday, we were being sappy and I asked if I was special to him, and he said, "More than special, you're my one and only." If any of you have read my threads before, you know that that is something he would have never said before. His ex was still trying to get him to give her another chance, still is, I think. He tells me he's still afraid about "choosing" and choosing wrong; it's a really big issue for him, he feels guilty for being in a situation where someone is going to end up hurt. When he told her this in the past, she was all over trying to get him to be with her. That doesn't work with him, I doubt it works with anyone, so I told him it was fine. We're not engaged, we're seeing if this works. If it doesn't, at least we tried. He hasn't chosen me as a life partner yet, I mean, we've hardly been totally exclusive a month.

    Mmk. His ex (who was also an LDR) is coming to visit next summer, she has family in the area. It is without a doubt impossible for me to visit him any time at all for at least another year, so that's totally out. I know she'll try to get back with him, or at least rub it in his face that he made the "wrong" decision. He personally thinks she's going to ask him to have sex. =S We don't really talk about the future much, as like I said, really long term commitment just makes him nervous, we aren't ready for the security of being engaged or anything, we just aren't. I know it makes him anxious, so I don't bring it up, but we had a conversation about his ex (let's call her Ana, I think I used that pseudonym for her in the past XD) last night. He said that basically even if we weren't together, he doubted it would be anything more than a simple kiss, not sex or anything extreme like she thinks. I mean come on, if we ended things tomorrow and they got together the next day, they'd only have three months to pursue their feelings for each other. He loves her as a friend still, I respect that. He's one for friend kisses on the cheek and hugs and stuff and I told him that I respect that also, but he needs to understand what a truly romantic gesture would mean to me. I think he thought I was being insecure about us, which usually I'm not, so he told me that "YOU are my silly" etc.

    All in all, he told her all about us when we became exclusive. She cried, it was an hours long discussion where she bombarded him with things that were wrong with me (from my understanding anyway). He stuck it out. Ana still hates me, even though the last time we talked she assured me she trusted my word and thought I was a cool person. It gets to me, I don't like people hating me, I don't like people calling me an ugly bitch behind my back, I don't like her trying to get back with him when he's told her point blank he and I are a thing. He's told me that they don't have much to talk about anymore, just her new trophy boyfriend and school and he feels like he's just nodding along all the time. She and I of course don't talk, he said it would just cause even more drama.

    What do you think I should do? I'm confident he won't cheat, I just wish the situation for us two and her was better and easier and that Ana would accept this and STOP thinking he's going to up and leave me and get in bed with her this summer.

    #2
    Hey,

    That's a tough one, I might say... Never had this exes problem, but I see your points and such. Great your guy said to his ex all the things that needed to be said. It strengthens your relationship and you can be proud of him doing something like that. It shows he cares and I'm sure it must've been tough to tell all that to someone's face. Now... like you said, it's more a problem with 'Ana'. It's hard if she really wants your guy. She's not going to just pack up and leave. I know I wouldn't. Maybe she's not such a great person, but I don't know, it might be good to look at it from her perspective. Her man got stolen sort of. Not that he's hers, of course, haha, no, no, that's ridiculous. He made his choice. YOU! Be happy about that. Find strength in that.

    As for making it better, well, try to have a long talk with her. Prepare it a bit. Don't get defensive or offensive. Just... point out your love and his love and how you are together. Point out if she loves him she will have to respect his decision and should be glad he's happy with you. Tell her you won't betray that and you stand behind him. You love him. Try to show her that. And point her in a direction that's positive. Not that she's getting a good deal out of this, but maybe tell her to date or to see if she can find something new. Tell her she can't go waiting for him forever or doing something drastic. If he told her in her face, he's not just going to change. He loves you and it's most important she knows he does and that you love him and that you can't be broken up. Tell her you don't want to see her sad and that you don't like that she's hurt. It's for the best if she doesn't approach him anymore. At least not with romantic intentions. It would only lead to more pain for her. Tell her you'll help her and support her if she needs help, though you understand she might not want that coming from you. Support her making a fresh start. Come with ideas. Etc. Just spitballing here... You see my gist? Friendly, supportive, thoughtful, but direct.

    Don't give her ammo to keep firing blanks. Don't give her the chance to say 'You see!', or 'Maybe..', all this stuff. She needs to get what you're saying and not get any reason to attack you back or continue all this.

    I hope this works a bit,

    Have a nice day,

    San.
    Last edited by San; March 27, 2010, 05:54 PM.
    Adia, you're on my mind and in my heart...

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      #3
      This girl is scary. He can't treat her like his other friends. She could and most likely will take a kiss on the cheek the wrong way. If it's insulting, I don't care it needs to be said. This girl is a crazy bitch from what you say. She needs help, and to stop talking to him. He needs to not do anything even remotely romantic with her. No hugs, no kisses on the cheek, no time alone (always have a friend around), no holding hands, no sexual jokes, no flirting of any kind, no "I love you", no talking about their previous relationship. Basically, he needs to keep it as platonic as humanly possible until she gets it through her skull that it's over. Will it hurt her? Hell yes, it'll hurt like hell. It'll hurt a lot less than leading her on though. No, I'm not accusing him of being some sort of a jerk that leads a girl on. His intentions might be good, but he can still lead her on. When they're crazy, it's not hard to lead them on.

      I hope you don't mind if I ask a few more people for their opinions who aren't on this wesite. I personally don't understand the concept of remaining so close to an ex, especially one like that @_@. My boyfriend is still friends with his ex though (thankfully she aint crazy). Anyway, I'll get some opinions and post them here. Let's see if I can get more than one XP. Out of all my friends in a long distance relationship, only myself and my boyfriend, and my friend and her fiancé have stuck it out O_o.

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        #4
        No no no, you can get all the opinions you can, I wanted opinions so I posted here. =]

        Deep down, she's a really cool person and a good girl and she meant/means a lot to him. They've been friends for a really long time, before and after their relationship, so I guess now it's like hard to cut all contact.

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          #5
          I hope she gets over it soon!

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            #6
            Ok, I talked to him. Apparently he was in a more or less similar situation with his ex. Only difference is that he flat out left her for me and told her XP. It's not like I went after him! He went after me! Blame him ;_;. Somehow they're still friends O_o. Well, it's not that big of a surprise since they're so close. Anyway, she went through a time where she really didn't like me (and she's yet to be too fond of me :P). He noticed this quickly and stopped it right then and there. He told her to keep her thoughts to herself, respect his relationship with me, and appreciate he's not some jerk to just cuts an ex out of his life because she's an ex. He has made it absolutely clear that their relationship is perfectly platonic and that's how it will remain or there will be hell to pay. This girl lives maybe a few blocks from his house, and he lost his virginity to her. She meant and still does mean a lot to him. Hell, this was his first girlfriend and they dated all of high school.

            Anyway, he basically told me...no what I won't tell you exactly what he told me :'D. You really don't wanna know XP. I'll translate it from asshole though :P. He says that he needs to stand up for you both and just tell her to shut up and deal with it. It doesn't matter how much she means to him, he needs to show that you come first. If he's going to deserve you, he needs to put his feelings aside and look at the facts: One of his friends hates the girl he's with for something she isn't to blame. Your feelings should mater more than hers, especially considering that his feelings aren't worth a damn to her. She might be nice other times, but it doesn't change the fact that she's treating you like crap, not respecting your relationship, and is just being a flat out immature bitch.

            I'll say it exactly how he said it if you want. Warning, he's harsh :P. More than me XP.

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              #7
              Typing this on my phone guys, so shoot me if auto complete does weird things.

              Darth_Taco, feel free to tell me what he really said. XD

              I talked to him about this last night. Apparently, her latest thing is somehow trying to guilt trip him about how she wishes and PRETENDS it's him when she's sexually with her boyfriend, complete with details. It is one thing for her to be that way to me, it is another for her to be so guilt-trippy on him that he gets so ticked he doesn't want to talk about it, even to me, for hours. It is another thing when her twisted endeavors for his affection interfere with my lover's ability to be excited for me at my dance competition. I'm just angry with her. I don't like it. I told him this: I don't like that she continuously hurts someone I love very much, it isn't jealousy. He said she doesn't hurt him, he's "just upset that I waited for her for so long and she kept pulling this shit so I stopped waiting" and now she's all over him, jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend because she "says she loves me more than anyone in the world." He told her it made her look like a whore. He's right, he really is. He also said "she can fuck whoever she wants, I don't care anymore."

              I told him her hatred for me made me uncomfortable and he said not to worry about her; we agreed we wouldn't let her get between us. I hate that I feel like I can't talk to her, I just want to get in her face and yell at her. But he feels like that's more drama. I think I'm going to tell him I want to talk to her to work out our differences as best as we can, but I think this is a decision he and I need to make together, I can't be rash just because I see her online.

              It doesn't help that he's down lately since the distance and some stuff in his life is getting to him. I feel so bad when we're on webcam and he says "I want to hold you, but I can't." =( He told me that he's missing me a lot lately and he's only truly happy anymore when he talks to me. He has no real social life anymore, nothing to distract him except work on Saturday and class. I'm really encouraging him to reconnect with his old friends who stopped talking to him (long story) but Ana gets upset with him when he Facebooks about plans with one particular female friend. Wait, if anyone is territorial and jealous, shouldn't it be me? I think it's so funny that I'm the one that gets genuinely excited when his old friends, female or otherwise, talk to him again, I'm the one that says its okay if he goes out tonight instead of talking to me, I'm the one that says I don't have to be the utmost center of his world. XD

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                #8
                Personally I think no matter how cool a person used to be, if they act like this then there is no reason to stay friends.

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                  #9
                  I have never been in this type of situation before. However, I think this type of problem can be easily avoided by simply cutting all contact with the ex. It might be hard at first, but its not impossible.

                  Also, You said that your boyfriend is afraid of choosing. But hasn't he chosen you to be his girlfriend? To me.. it just seems like hes doubting the relationship.

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                    #10
                    Ok, but it's not nice... Sorry in advance XP. Again, him not me :P.

                    He says your lover needs to grow some balls, take his responsibilities as a man, and put you first. His "friend" is a crazy bitch who doesn't give a damn about him and who won't be happy until she finally gets her way. Even then, expect her to rub it in your face at any opportunity she gets. Just because she got what she wanted, it doesn't mean she's done being a bitch. Unless he puts his foot down and flat out tells her to stop she's not even going to try. He can't be nice about it either. He needs to flat out tell her to shut the fuck up and to respect his decision. If she can't do that, she's a shitty friend and it's time to get rid of her. It doesn't mater how cool she can be at times, she is treating you like crap when you've shown nothing to deserve it. He should be doing whatever he can to make sure you're not hurt. If that means getting rid of an old friend, then so be it. Just so you know, these aren't all words. He basically just did something really similar with me when one of his friends decided to be a dumbass. He wouldn't be with me if he didn't know I was trustworthy and that I wouldn't lie to him. Long story I'll only explain in a private message @_@.

                    This is the part that's worst. His brother went through it, so he's always taken things like this harshly. I'll go with his words again XP.

                    If she's going to go as far as killing herself just because her ex stops talking to her, then she deserves to be dead. His brother's situation...I don't know the full story. I do know that his now ex threatened to kill herself if he left her. He called her on it and helped her find the gun. That or he offered to help... Anyway, she never went through with it. In Enrique's opinion, whether she'd actually go through with it or not is not important. The fact she'd actually threaten it shows just what kind of sick bitch she is. The next time she threatens in, he should just block her on any way to contact him and just forget about her. Nine times out of then they pussy out so he shouldn't be living with any guilt. She had her shot, she fucked it up.

                    Yeah...he's not a kind man. Only I can love a man like this xD. Anyway, that's his outlook. I have no idea how to defend him except that he's gone through this crap already. Well, him or someone very close to him. Human behavior for the most part is predictable to him.

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                      #11
                      Haha, this is kind of ironic, because we talked last night and I told him I wanted someone to talk to her. He's not so great about the being totally mean thing, but he told her off the best way he knew how. XD I'm younger, so she keeps calling me a "stupid child" and he told her that I was lightyears ahead of her in the maturity thing, I had handled this better than her, and he was sorry if he hurt her, but didn't she think it once hurt him that she would tell him she loved him when she was kissing other guys? He never showed it, but it did. And he's sorry that it took so long to make his decision, but he made it, tough if it hurts her. I hurt her, he gets that, but I've done nothing to deserve her hatred. You guys know I basically abandoned him for a year at one point, she brought that up as a low blow thing, he didn't even reply to it. =P

                      And some other stuff too, I'm sure, they talked for a while. He said that basically she still hates me and always will, and there's nothing else we can do about it. We're done dealing with it. Oh, and she said the reason she hated me was I was too rational, yet I am also an immature, stupid, ugly, worthless bitch. Makes lots of sense, no?

                      Yeah, he told her flat that he was with me and she didn't kill herself, so apparently she CAN live without him.

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                        #12
                        Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I was with Enrique. As soon as he gets out of work I'm telling him what you posted. Great to know killing herself was an empty threat :'D! Glad to know things are better. Well, as good as it'll get XP. I'm sorry for him having to choose between you and someone he's known for so long. No one should have to do that. Unfortunately, people go crazy, they threaten suicide, shit basically happens. From what you said, he definitely loves you. I expect good things to come out of your relationship.

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                          #13
                          I know you dont want to but you have got to tell him that she cannot stay in his life if shes gonna act like that!!! I told you this in the chatroom, yeah ok she wants him but its only for sex nothing more if she did get him back it would be another point to her score card and then she would move on to the next guy. She's a crazy slut thats all she is, and it sounds like he has an emotional connection with her that needs to be broken and quickly! My ex i had to stop being friends with him as well and kick his ass out of my apartment because even as friends he did nothing but emotionally abuse me, and i know how it feels to have to cut someone out of your life that was there for many years. My ex was in my life for 8 years and breaking that cord was the most diffacult thing ive ever had to do, but i needed to do it to move on with my life. Now i couldnt be happier and more relaxed and able to fully give myself to my girl more. He needs to do the same, because not only is she a crazy slut but sounds like shes very emotionaly abusive as well! It will be hard for him at first but thats when you need to really be there for him, because if she was truly his friend she would back off and let you both be happy!

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