Constant Arguing

[Boniouk]

Hey,

Myself and my fiance have been together a few years, and met quite a few times, and in person it is always perfect. We're both affectionate, and love to sit, talk n listen to each other. But whenever we go back to online, we both change.

She will find faults in things i do and gets very picky about me, more so than at the start. She says I am not sweet anymore, and she thinks im stronger now and she doesnt find it attractive.

I would say she seems to have raised some invisible bar. I find it impossible to get through an hour without doing something wrong. Usually tiny but still, my fault, then it escalates.

Both of us have at least admitted that its perfect in person and we both want it to work, to the point of putting up with this for the last 5 months til we're married n together. But health wise, thats all becoming easier said than done. Its stressful and arguments all too frequent.

Has anyone else come across this? what causes it? lack of contact? stress of being apart? Is there any way to get round it?

S.

[LadyMarchHare]

So the fights only start when you're communicating online? I'm wondering if there's some level of miscommunication going on such as one of you reading something said as something entirely different. The thing with text is you have no vocal inflection and if you're in a bad mood you can easily read something innocent as hostile or mocking. If she's stressed out due to being away from you, the upcoming wedding, things in her daily life, it's going to color how she reads whatever you say even if there's no logical way for her to take it as she does.

Have you tried sitting down with her and asking her to tell you exactly what is bothering her about your behavior or whatever she believes to be the problem? If you know exactly what's going on you have the chance to either correct it or tell her something was not intended the way it was taken, and so on.

[Kyla]

When my SO and I first went long distance we ran into this problem. We'd be talking via email or texts and I'd read the message with the wrong tone and get frustrated or upset. Both my SO and I are very sarcastic people, and that often doesn't translate to text very well. We've found it's beneficial to talk via Skype or on the phone so that we can hear each others voices and get an idea of what they're saying and how it's actually meant to come across. Also, when we are talking through texts, email, or anything like that we've started using a lot of emoticons, too (something I was previously dead set against). It also helps to portray the intent.

[Boniouk]

We use skype, so the online arguments include voice, tone etc. So not sure that's the cause. Body language is lost and obviously touch and affection. maybe a cause. finding it hard. :s

[LadyMarchHare]

Very well could be just general stress because you're not physically together at the moment. I know some people find it hard to skype because it reminds them of what they can't touch or anything and it upsets them. Perhaps she feels that way?

[g_girl143]

I do believe this is all about separation anxiety. My boyfriend and I often argue a lot before and after a meeting. The meetings are perfect--no fights, no arguments, all about fun and laughter--but before and after that is a bit like hell. Every little fault (on both sides) is blown out of proportion, we over-react to little mistakes and we scrutinize and criticize each other a lot.

I can't speak for your fiancee, but speaking as a woman, I believe she loves you so much (made stronger whenever you meet) that when you're away, she's scared of losing you, and most especially, she's scared of being hurt by it, that's why she's the one who sort of pushes you away so if ever you leave, she won't be hurting so much.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. In any case, I suggest you shower her with affection, give her lots of time and attention, and in essence, the assurance she needs. I hope this helps, and wish you luck!

PS
How often does this happen now, I may ask? For me and my boyfriend, it's usually just a phase. Adjusting from real-life, then back to online but once things have settled, it's A-OK.

[Boniouk]

We're the same. i'd say 3/4 weeks before we meet and 3/4 weeks after, its tough. then in the middle perfect, and in person, amazingly perfect.

[13000km]

Well we've only been together a bit more than a year and we've only met once, but we go through the same thing. Right before I left to visit, right after I came back and right now. It's hard for him because he has to be careful of what he says and does. A slight misstep will easily set me off. And then it snowballs. /: I say something, he defends himself, I get more upset...

I don't exactly know why, but it seems like during these times my emotions are amplified. Possibly due to stress (mine is from work) and worrying about the visit. I try to keep the emotions under control and not act on them, but it's very hard and I slip a lot. A big part of it I'm sure is also because I'm a very physical person and while so many small arguments could be easily avoided with a hug, we don't have that, so all we're left with is words and strong emotions. Not a very good combination. /:

I wish I could tell you how to get around it, but I don't have the answers myself. All I can suggest is maybe limit communication, which was what we did the last time. That way, it was harder for me to act on those emotions with him, and since we were only texting during that time it makes fighting a little bit harder because you only could say so much at a time.

[Moon]

I feel a little differently than what's been said already.

For me, the day-to-day chats are our real life, our visits are the times when we're happy to be together and sort of "vacation". We live 4200 miles away from each other, been together 2 years, and are only together about a month throughout the year, which means the 11 other months is our life together. Those chats, to me, mimic what our lives would be if we were in the same place, its the stuff we'd talk about after work, around the dinner table, in front of the tv and in bed. I think the way you are in your online life is who you really are, and would be if, say, you lived together. For us LDR'ers, those chats are our lives with our SO's, its all we've got other than the brief joys of togetherness, in which the grind of everyday is suspended for a little while. Now, this doesn't apply to those of us who are temporarily apart due to school, or an internship, or something, but to the ones who happen to be in love with someone who's home is away from their home.

This isn't meant to discourage you, but to remind you that those chats are what you've got that's consistent, so take what each one of you says and pay attention to it. How you treat and deal with each other daily is your real relationship.

[13000km]

I feel a little differently than what's been said already.

For me, the day-to-day chats are our real life, our visits are the times when we're happy to be together and sort of "vacation". We live 4200 miles away from each other, been together 2 years, and are only together about a month throughout the year, which means the 11 other months is our life together. Those chats, to me, mimic what our lives would be if we were in the same place, its the stuff we'd talk about after work, around the dinner table, in front of the tv and in bed. I think the way you are in your online life is who you really are, and would be if, say, you lived together. For us LDR'ers, those chats are our lives with our SO's, its all we've got other than the brief joys of togetherness, in which the grind of everyday is suspended for a little while. Now, this doesn't apply to those of us who are temporarily apart due to school, or an internship, or something, but to the ones who happen to be in love with someone who's home is away from their home.

This isn't meant to discourage you, but to remind you that those chats are what you've got that's consistent, so take what each one of you says and pay attention to it. How you treat and deal with each other daily is your real relationship.

If what you say is true, I would be genuinely scared. But if the pattern is such that these phases only happen before visits, does it still set the tone for how we will be in real life? On one hand I believe that I'd have a stronger handle of my emotions if he were by my side, on the other hand, if my nitpicky-ness carries over to real life we won't survive...unless I change. Which brings the question, is it possible to change? /:

[JEREIANEDREI]

Hey,

Myself and my fiance have been together a few years, and met quite a few times, and in person it is always perfect. We're both affectionate, and love to sit, talk n listen to each other. But whenever we go back to online, we both change.

She will find faults in things i do and gets very picky about me, more so than at the start. She says I am not sweet anymore, and she thinks im stronger now and she doesnt find it attractive.

I would say she seems to have raised some invisible bar. I find it impossible to get through an hour without doing something wrong. Usually tiny but still, my fault, then it escalates.

Both of us have at least admitted that its perfect in person and we both want it to work, to the point of putting up with this for the last 5 months til we're married n together. But health wise, thats all becoming easier said than done. Its stressful and arguments all too frequent.

Has anyone else come across this? what causes it? lack of contact? stress of being apart? Is there any way to get round it?

S.

same here,,we have the same situation,,when my SO and I having arguing constantly this past few months,..now that we've been LDR for almost 7 mos.,.it hurts me to know that he's far away then,,the feeling of loneliness is killin me....and then we had argues oftenly....he is the one who always get annoyed,.but as always I keep on understanding him....
maybe your girl is feelin the stress of bein apart,,,me i had Post Visit Depression,,i used to cry everytime I'm missing him...I feel also that he's changing coz he's always getting annoyed with me,.maybe he's irritated coz I used to cry most of our convo...the best thing that you can do is make her feel that you love her so much,..understand her with all of your heart,.like LadyMarchHare said talk to her heart to heart,,and ask her whats going on?,.you know what I admire you with your attitude coz you're a guy,,and most of mens are not sensitive,..but I love my Baby,,though he shows too tough attitude,..anyway just continue to understand her,,,that's LOVE,,LOVING IS UNDERSTANDING....Goodluck!

[Moon]

If what you say is true, I would be genuinely scared. But if the pattern is such that these phases only happen before visits, does it still set the tone for how we will be in real life? On one hand I believe that I'd have a stronger handle of my emotions if he were by my side, on the other hand, if my nitpicky-ness carries over to real life we won't survive...unless I change. Which brings the question, is it possible to change? /:

I don't know if what I say is true for everybody, it's just my observation, but I also don't think it's the case when it only happens just before visits, either. Are you nitpicky in other aspects of your life, or just occasionally? If that's how you are with a lot of things, then you have your answer. Change is possible though, you just have to really want it, and shut up when you want to scream, until it bothers you less. You can't change everything about yourself, but I do think if there's one or two things you know are problems, you can do it. If you think about it, what you have IS real life, that's my point. When you only get occasional visits, you're on your best behavior, usually. What you do consistently, every day, is your real life.

[Sunbeam]

My boyfriend and I are kind of going through the same thing.
We are meeting for the first time on July 29... so our insecurities are coming out, and causing tension.
I do hope y'all work everything out though.

[13000km]

I don't know if what I say is true for everybody, it's just my observation, but I also don't think it's the case when it only happens just before visits, either. Are you nitpicky in other aspects of your life, or just occasionally? If that's how you are with a lot of things, then you have your answer. Change is possible though, you just have to really want it, and shut up when you want to scream, until it bothers you less. You can't change everything about yourself, but I do think if there's one or two things you know are problems, you can do it. If you think about it, what you have IS real life, that's my point. When you only get occasional visits, you're on your best behavior, usually. What you do consistently, every day, is your real life.

No I'm not, which is why my behaviour with him puzzles me. He's convinced that I'm not really like that, since I wasn't this way the majority of the time. Also most of the things I am picky about will not exist if it wasn't for the distance, so he's nowhere near as worried as I am. Thanks, moon. I supposed we'll see what it's like in real life pretty soon.

[13000km]

I don't know if what I say is true for everybody, it's just my observation, but I also don't think it's the case when it only happens just before visits, either. Are you nitpicky in other aspects of your life, or just occasionally? If that's how you are with a lot of things, then you have your answer. Change is possible though, you just have to really want it, and shut up when you want to scream, until it bothers you less. You can't change everything about yourself, but I do think if there's one or two things you know are problems, you can do it. If you think about it, what you have IS real life, that's my point. When you only get occasional visits, you're on your best behavior, usually. What you do consistently, every day, is your real life.

No I'm not, which is why my behaviour with him puzzles me. He's convinced that I'm not really like that, since I wasn't this way the majority of the time. Also most of the things I am picky about will not exist if it wasn't for the distance, so he's nowhere near as worried as I am. Thanks, moon. I supposed we'll see what it's like in real life pretty soon.