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Being literally torn between places - open thread

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    Being literally torn between places - open thread

    I think I need to give some back story to my whole issue now. It all started about two months ago when I was informed that the school I'm going to here in United States is cutting winter session and alot of classes next spring. That made me think that I wouldn't be able to get all classes done in time, as I needed alot of math and needed winter to get math done.
    At the same time I felt very confident and happy aswell and was playing with the idea of moving back to Sweden, my family had visited me 2 months prior all this so I had to deal with being torn all the time. The picture in my head turned into a plan and I started talking to my old friend in Sweden who encouraged me to move back to Sweden. Right now I don't really know really what I was feeling or how I was thinking, because it doesn't make sense to me.
    Anyway one day I told Katelyn about the cut in classes and all that had happened and she said I should go back home. She asked me if I could wait for her until we could get back together. I calculated a bit on that and got the number of years to around 10 years. The year I waited before I moved here was the most painful year of my life. I can't see myself survive 10 years of that and I told here that.
    She of course then got sad and I tried to comfort her as much as I possibly could. She still was very sensitive and cried when we saw eachother. (we have these cycles of being sensitive and crying because we almost never cry at the same time). I also told my friends and family that I was planning, no more, to move back home.
    Two weeks ago however it felt as if I woke up from a dream to a horrible reality. I can't believe how things have turned. Because I realize now what a horrible mistake all of this has been. I've given too much and done too much for Katelyn to just simply give up like that. I've devoted all of what I am in order to get here and be with her. I just can't, I can't give her up like that.

    Of course over that time she's changed, can't blame her, saying how she doesn't want me here anymore with times of her saying that she's scared. She's made herself very unavailable lately, going to parties and being with friends. Things she usually happily told me before the day started, she always called me in the morning when she woke up. I understand all this because it's not as usual right now. I'm shocked and torn to pieces between these two places. I damn the day I accidently told my sister I was planning to move back, it's spread like wildfire.
    I'm confused of what Katelyn wants anymore because she says at one point that I won't lose her as a friend and at one point it's like she doesn't want to know of me anymore. Most likely she's just going through what I'm going through.

    I decided to open a thread about it here. You've all been through the journey of moving to your SO and all the devotion it needs. With that I wish to know what you can make out of all this. Of course it's hard to get a picture just through a small (or not) post.

    #2
    Hi Marcus, it's been a while

    I have to say I'm not sure what you meant in your post when you said this:

    I also told my friends and family that I was planning, no more, to move back home.
    Two weeks ago however it felt as if I woke up from a dream to a horrible reality. I can't believe how things have turned. Because I realize now what a horrible mistake all of this has been.
    Do you mean that moving to America to be with her was a mistake or planning to go back home was a mistake? A lot of my advice depends on that lol.

    Aren't there any alternative classes you could take in a different school perhaps? I don't know anything about Universities or colleges, especially American ones so I can't be much of assistance here... But if you do have a lot of spare time on your hands in this coming fall/winter and you could afford it then maybe you should go visit home for a while - I bet your family would love to see you and surely Katelyn can stay apart from you for a few weeks/months if she really loves you.

    Anyway one day I told Katelyn about the cut in classes and all that had happened and she said I should go back home. She asked me if I could wait for her until we could get back together. I calculated a bit on that and got the number of years to around 10 years. The year I waited before I moved here was the most painful year of my life. I can't see myself survive 10 years of that and I told here that.
    Why would you have to wait 10 years before you could be together again?


    Comment


      #3
      I'm a bit confused, but why exactly were you going to move back to Sweden again? Was it because classes were being cut at the university? Also, you told Katelyn you couldn't survive that time apart so basically what you meant is the two of you would no longer be together once you went back? Just trying to be clear.

      Comment


        #4
        Yeah it's been a while. I mostly come here when I have big problems, which thankfully haven't happened in a while now.

        I meant that telling them I was planning to move back was a mistake.

        On the other part. Since I'm an international student I'm not allowed to do so, not as far as I know anyhow. Most of the classes are back online now though. I have to deal now with Katelyn acting up because of all this, understandably.

        The ten years was an estimate for if I were going back to Sweden and her completing her education in America.

        Comment


          #5
          I just don't get the 10 years, maybe I'm a bit thick (blondie)
          What is she studying if it takes 10 years? And why would you stay in Sweden for 10 years before returning to America? Also it seems a bit odd to me that if she knows that you'd be apart for that long she'd still ask you to go back home...

          I don't know, maybe I misread something. But 10 years sounds awful and unbearable. Online classes could be a good option for you if you have a computer. That way you wouldn't have to leave Katelyn and you'd get the classes done you want and maybe even take some extra classes if you have the time or the will.


          Comment


            #6
            I'm sorry it's not clear and all. But that is mostly because it's not even clear for myself.

            The reason I was planning to move back was at a a time where everything went awfully right for me. My family had just visited, first i've seen them in a year. When they were going back I struggled also with having to have my heart divided to two places.
            That combined with the, by then, determined reduction in classes made me think that going back to Sweden was the best way. I started talking to my friends about it and all. I told Katelyn and she was at first really sad and so for about a week. After that was over I realized how romanticized the whole moving back thing had been in my head. It was as if my brain automatiically included Katelyn in it during the way, because she's always in my thoughts anyway. That's where my doubts and problems really started. Now I'm not sure what to do. Katlyn took a 180 degree turn and have said at times the most mean things like she doesn't want me here and stuff, while she sometimes also have said that she's scared. I proposed a plan of me to stay here for a while longer and then trying to get her to Sweden, to which she said that she doesn't ever want to live in Sweden. That hurt alot, honestly. I asked her why and if she could do it for me, to which she said not ever for me, which also hurt. Later that night she told me that she was just scared and that she said those things because she thought it would make it easier for me leave her.
            I don't blame her for any of that really, I understand how confused and scared she must be also, and people act up in the strangest ways when that happens.

            The 10 years would be because she wants to, ofc, become a doctor. That would mean a bunch more college, med school, internship and then work for a bit.

            Comment


              #7
              Right ok. Well it looks like your options are:

              A) stay in the US and take online classes to get through your studies
              B) go back home to study and break up with her
              C) go back home, study and be apart for 10 years(?)
              D) go back home for a bit and return to the States to continue your studies and be with Katelyn.

              I think it's quite harsh for her to say those things, that she'd never do something for you after you have done so much for her. I can see where she's coming from though since I pretty much felt the same way when Andy moved here to live with me and then said he doesn't want to stay in my home town and wants to move closer to Helsinki. My initial reaction was NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS!!!!! But after I thought about it a bit I realized that he's come all this way to be with me so I HAVE to agree to moving if he wants it. I owe it to him.

              Katelyn probably just IS scared you know. How old is she? She has her mind set on becoming a doctor and it could be really hard for her to change those future plans she's made. Also studying medicine in a Scandinavian country could be quite a challenge for her.

              You need to talk to her and tell her she doesn't have to panic yet. Sit down and go through what you both want from life and then work on making it happen together. I don't think either one of you has to sacrifice their dreams to make this work. How about moving to a country where you both could study in English, like England for example?

              Also just cause you're missing out on some classes this winter don't throw your studies away, surely you could take the classes later on or do them online like you said? I don't think you have to stress SO much about this situation right now since you're both still young and if Katelyn's studies are going to take that long anyway then you'll have lots of time to complete your studies and find a job and save some money for your future together.


              Comment


                #8
                I saw her today and we talked through alot of things.
                At the end of the day it felt like the good ol' days of spring, almost like nothing had happened.
                She's gonna look in to the moving to Sweden part. Her biggest fear there is to feel left out when everyone else speaks Swedish. But I reassured her that too many Swedish people think they are amazingly talented in the English language. Also that so many TV-shows and media is in english in general, just with a little text-box. She's also met my family about two months ago and they absolutely love her. I sincerely doubt she would be as lonely and left out as she fears she would be.

                Thanks for all your help Tanja, I appreciate it!

                Comment


                  #9
                  I posted on the other side, and I think a few of my questions have been cleared up.

                  I think a nice option might be to take your SO to Sweden for a few months (summer or winter (brrr!) break) so she can see what it's like to LIVE there, not just visit. If she falls in love with the country, the language and the culture, FANTASTIC. If she feels like she can never adapt to your country, then you have some decisions to make. She might say that she has to stay in the USA for an internship or something, but honestly, international travel is far more impressive on a resume. Especially for a doctor!

                  As far as the language barrier goes, assure her that you'll help her along the way and make sure she feels included. After all, you had to deal with a barrier too so you know how it feels. Good luck

                  Comment


                    #10
                    So I started to follow your story and I ended up here. Well. I can bet on it that it's really hard for you know hesitating between the US and Sweeden but like the previous posts said you have to talk about this with her.

                    Honestly I can understand her way in acting somehow, I'm kinda difficult person sometimes too and I can acting stupid I know exactly with all of those 180 turns she tried to take herself away from you (so that way it's not hurts so bad her) and tried to make the situation easier for your (which is for sure not working, but well we sometimes do things that are not so logical all the time). I also could advice to take her for a few weeks or month to Sweeden at the first time and don't jump into the moving there thing immediately. I can also understand her worries about moving to Sweeden (even tough my boyfriend also saying that there's no way that he will move here in the next 4-5 years even to England) it's a unknown country for her where she doesn't know anyone and not even the language but you have to let her some time to going through this.

                    I advice you not to decide immediately. You have to go through lots of things like where would it be better for you two to live together in the future, your (and her) family how would react for this etc.

                    I feel your pain
                    Anyway good luck with your decision and I wish the bests for you!

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