LDR breakup, what can I do?

[Erwin2475]

It's been really bad since I found out she got attached to another guy she apparently barely knows a few weeks after we broke up over the phone.

I really don't know what to do and how to start. It's been 2-month strict NC with no word from her. She tells her friends she really hope to be friends with me in the future. I still she thinks that I just don't want to talk to her now, because I made it clear in my NC letter.

I'm considering initiating contact at the 3-month mark, because I don't think she'll reach out. I just need to know how she feels now. I don't even worry about whether she'll move in the future or not. I just want to reconnect with her again and if possible start it all over again - we fell in love talking for hours on end on MSN almost a year and a half ago.

Am I nuts?

[iamangel]

I don't know what can I say after reading your post. I'm sad and It's like I feel what you feel.. Sometimes the best thing to do is to accept the ending of your relationship. I know you love her so much and I know it's not easy and it really hurts but you need to move on little by little ( it takes time to heal the wound)...
Hugs for you o --' '---o

[Nate]

naah you're not nuts. you're just in love (well..i guess you can call that nuts too :o) but seriously...
you seem like a good guy with a big heart...this is your problem.
just try to get her out of your mind (well...easy talking) but just do what you like...go out, meet new people, find a new hobby..do something to distract you it's getting easier.
i don't think that you should try that hard to get her back. you did everything you can and if she would want that...well...she would have messaged you somehow. (i think)

i could be wrong now since i don't know you guys. But go on with your life, maybe that makes you more and more interessting for her then if you know what i mean.

i'm sorry for you, that you have to go through this - it's always hard..even harder if you're sure she is the one. But everything happens for a reason (though we can't see the reason in first place) just go with the flow and everything will be just fine

[Erwin2475]

Well I did something...I guess you can call it sneaky or cheating. But of course I did it with the best intention. She may or may not response, and I don't know if she does if it can be called a reach, but it could set things off somewhat. We'll see how things go from there. Meantime, I'll wait another month to assess my state of mind before any further moves.

Oh, what I did was basically donated a significant sum online to the charity she co-founded. I did it before we got together and it's always a good 'score'. Even if nothing happens, at least it benefits the charity.

[rhinouncle9]

Wow, this sounds way too familiar to me as I went through a very similar situation a few years ago. However, I broke up with her bc I didn't think I could handle the LD. After realizing I made a huge mistake (and learning that she had started dating someone LD only two months after our 5 yr relationship), I did everything I could to win her back. This only pushed her away though and said no contact. This brought me to one of the lowest points in my life. After 6 grueling months of self-evaluation, I send her a "how's it going?" email. We started talking again and have a good friendship now, even tho I still want more.

Every day of those 6 months, I wanted to text her, call her, email, anything! But I held back bc I didn't feel like the time was right. After 6 months, i was in much better place and figured I had nothing to lose since I already went 6 months. Even though we are talking things still suck and painful for me, but thats for another post.

All I'm saying is to work on yourself since that's all you can do. Like you said, time heals. I'm not going to give a time line, but don't contact her until you are ready for any, or no, response. You'll know when it's right. And stop snooping! You're only hurting yourself and taking steps backward. Just keep moving forwarding and focusing on your life. Take a vacation with friends!

Stay strong, be patient, and think positive. The good will come...

Good luck, we're all here for ya.

[Erwin2475]

Tks rhinouncle9.

Is your ex still with the same guy or seeing anyone else? What's your next move or do you feel you've essentially moved on as well?

I know I must not initiate contact again until I'm ready. I'll see how the next few weeks go. Frankly I thought I was in good shape after 2 months, but fearing about her new boyfriend just drove me down to zero again. I guess I wasn't as ready as I thought. But in my case I don't think NC all the way is the way. We didn't split on bad terms per se. It was mainly the circumstance i.e. she could not drop her life and move to another country, even for me. It could be a timing things because I don't know how she'll feel in a year or two. Maybe our r'ship needed more time. I dunno. But I'm not ready to give this up.[COLOR="Silver"]

[rhinouncle9]

No problem.
No my ex broke it off with the other guy last fall. Since then we've gotten closer, but she doesn't want another LDR, and we can't close the distance till next summer when I graduate college. Also, my feelings for her a lot stronger, but she does still have feelings for me.
I've come to a somewhat comfortable spot of just being happy with what I have and still have hope for another shot in the future. I really do think its the distance that is keeping us for gettiing back together. She's going to go where the job takes her in the fall. I have no set place to go after school so my idea is to go where she is and see how it plays out CD. We video chat once a week and text throughout most days. It's still very hard on me given my feelings, but I've learned to live with it. I'm gonna see her in six weeks and possibly bring up the topic then.

I'm all for not giving up on someone you love. Just be prepared for painful days and restless nights, even when you start talking again. In time, you will learn to live with it and work around it. I can relate to what your going through and it sucks. No matter we say, we can't bring her back to you, unfortunately. Just be grateful that this site is here, because I wish I found it 3 years ago before I ended things.

[Engel]

she broke things of, sshe doesnt want contact. she is dating someone else. if there wasnt someone else i would think it was ok to try, but now.. dont. you will only hurt yourself.

and if you do get back together. who is to say she wont leave you again in the last minute? you really want to be wondering if she would do it all over again? i dont think anyone is worthy what you would be living with day by day in your heart and mind.

read that book someone else suggested here. go find a hobby like a sport or learn a new language. forget about her. easier said than done i know, but dont live your life planning when it will be ok enought to contact her, really. that will do you no good.

[Erwin2475]

I will make that call, I think. But I'm really trying to wait till I'm at the right place first. Again, I think the recent knowledge of the new bf really set me back majorly. Suddenly thoughts of whether HE was a main reason started floating in my head, and eating away. I wouldn't even worry as much if it's a rebound, but now these questions are hurting me, and I've got to try and cast them aside and focus on healing before making that call.

Of course by some miracle we get back together, I'd now always be wary whether the same thing would happen again. But before that even happens…I don't think I will even allow myself to let her come back easily. I've really been bitten this time. The truth is I don't even know for sure if I'm better off having her in my life, unless she makes certain changes. Right now what I know in my heart is that I need to get a handle of her feelings after 2-3 months, and try to see where she is emotionally.

I trust that I know when to walk away (and there are so many reasons to walk away), but right now I'm not convinced. I have to try and open her up again. For me this really means getting reestablished through some regular conversations, like how we started off over a year ago.

It's stupid I know. I'll really try to take Engel's advice and not plan my life around this. I think I'll know when I'm more or less ready.

This guy in another forum said that her ex brook up with him and he went NC for several months before contacting her again and now they're back together. She told him if he never reinitiated contact she'd not have come back to him. It showed her that he wasn't wasn't giving up on her. Granted, it wasn't a messy breakup, so maybe in his case it worked. So…everyone needs to understand their own situation and personality of the person involved. Then take decisive, measured steps and ultimately a gamble, based on what you feel is best for you - whether it's to try and get her back or helping you move on in a more certain way with hopefully some closure. I can't say I believe in NC that goes on indefinitely. Some people will not call back for whatever reasons personal to him/her. You could end up waiting for months and years to prove a point that may not even add up to much.

The one thing everyone will agree with is you need to be at a clam and reasonably healed state of mind, so that emotions are under control and things can be seen as clearly as possible. This to me is the absolute hardest, and I'm trying.

[Erwin2475]

Well, just when I'm torn about when to make that call or send another email, after 2 months of NC, she contacted me on MSN yesterday.

Last week I made an online donation to her charity, and she contacted to thank me. True, I did it in the hope that she'd notice, so I guess it's sort of a soft contact. But I didn't think I was breaking NC really. So she waited a few days to contact me, and from her first few messages I could tell she might have been a bit nervous (I've learnt to read her tone on MSN quite well after being in LDR for so long).

I was nice, calm and collected as we talked. Soon, she loosened up and was asking me about my visit to an animal shelter last weekend, the dog we adopted (but I had to rehome after she left), my work and how I've been doing in general. She's also clearly been looking at some pics I posted on FB (I deleted her, so she must have seen it via mutual friends' pages).

Overall I kept it light and let her drive the convo and ask the questions. We talked about her charity and I said I am really happy to see it's doing well. We talked more about the dog, my work etc. No personal lives stuff and obviously no mention of new bf.

Soon after I told her I have to get going, and that it was nice to hear from her and also told her to call me if she ever wants to chat. She said ok with a smiley. That's that.

We kept it friendly and light, while not too surface-level. We touched on the past only insofar as the dog, which was good I think. On my part I said I'm busy and doing great and looking forward to latter half of the year and going into 2012. She seemed pleased to hear that.

I'll back off now and be patient, because I think she needs to contact me again based on the way we signed off, but it may not be for a while. I know now she's ready to talk, and I don't think it will be too awkward as long as I know how to set the tempo of the convo. I'm not too sure how to handle the topic of her bf if it comes up, or if she actually starts sharing some feelings or more personal info with me, but I'lll think about it. We'll see how things pan out.

I'm quite relieved because I was really anxious as to when and how to initiate contact after 2 months of NC. I suppose my donation paved the way for her to contact me, and maybe that was what's needed. Perhaps she was also looking for a reason to contact me, but anyway it worked. So I think one really needs to understand his or her own situation and decide when's the best time to make a move.