Am I asking too much?

[YorkshireLass]

Hi,

I hope everyone had a good weekend... I've come here again to try to find some perspective; my boyfriend and I fell out today, and I'm wondering (as per usual) if it was just because I was overreacting and/or expecting too much.

It started for a pretty silly reason, and I know it sounds petty, but - he got me the wrong thing for my birthday! Obviously, I don't expect him to be psychic, but he'd decided to get me a certain electronics item that I want and I had sent a list of models that had the features I want at varying price points. He ended up getting me one that he had suggested earlier, but that I hadn't included on my list (since it's not really suitable) - I hadn't explicitly said that I didn't want it, but I thought that not saying I did would kind of imply that!

I was annoyed, because I now have to a) arrange to return the unsuitable item and b) order one that is suitable, in time for an event I wanted to have it by! (In addition to all the other stuff I have to do at the moment, as I'm starting to prepare to move back home). Besides that, there was the fact that he seemed to have completely ignored what I asked for and decided that he knows what I want better than I do... However, when we spoke about it today, he told me I was rude because I hadn't thanked him nor shown appreciation for the fact that he'd bought me what he thought was "the best" (as well as the most expensive of all the options, which I also didn't want). I did appreciate the thought, although I was too upset/annoyed to mention it straight away (and of course, once he'd brought it up, he didn't believe me when I said that I did). I guess I could have been a little more tactful with my response, but I didn't feel like tiptoeing around his ego just then :-/

Anyway, after that, we ended up having our usual argument, which has been more or less the same since we first got together (even before we went long-distance): that I need "more" in terms of communication but he's too busy with work (N.B. we have video chats about twice a week and are supposed to e-mail daily, but he doesn't always, and even when he does it's very short); I like to be able to plan things a little ahead, but he can only arrange visits at the last minute, when he knows what the status of his projects will be, by which time the things I'd like for us to do will be booked up; and the biggie - sometimes I get upset about stuff that he thinks is trivial and he doesn't understand why! He also told me today that, while he has to make a lot of effort to find time for me, I "don't have to make any sacrifices", which irked me somewhat, when I'm about to leave a place I love to go back to a city I previously couldn't wait to leave so that we can give our relationship a chance...

I love him to bits, but sometimes it feels like such hard work, and I wonder if it's really worth it. I know he cares about me and he does make an effort for me, in his own way, but there seems to be a mismatch in what we each think makes a relationship work. I try to see it from his point of view, but sometimes I just can't help feeling the way I feel - and the distance just makes it so much harder to try to explain...

I've just realised how long this post has become, so I'm going to stop typing soon! I hope I haven't bored you (if you've managed to read this far); I guess I mostly just needed somewhere to vent, but if anyone has any tips on how to avoid similar situations in future - how to be more patient with him/his work situation, I guess, and to appreciate what he is without wishing him to be what he's not - I would be glad to hear them.

YL

[Rugger]

You need to sit down and have a long talk with him. About two things, about the relationship in general and about the birthday present. You need to tell him what you told us. How it makes you feel what he doesn't have the time for you. You know he's busy, you he needs to make time for you too.

[Rugger]

You need to sit down and have a long talk with him. About two things, about the relationship in general and about the birthday present. You need to tell him what you told us. How it makes you feel what he doesn't have the time for you. You know he's busy, you he needs to make time for you too.

[YorkshireLass]

Thanks for the reply, Rugger... The trouble is, I *did* try to talk to him yesterday, and said pretty much everything in my post... Actually, perhaps that was the trouble: I tried to say everything at once, so it probably didn't make much sense to him! He has heard most of it before, though (apart from about the gift, obviously); in his eyes, because he's explained why he's busy and doesn't have much time and that what might be easy for other guys with fewer demands on their time to do costs him more, I should accept it and appreciate the effort he makes (which I do, I just can't help wishing for a little more sometimes). He can't seem to grasp the fact that I can't just decide how to feel, the way he apparently can (I think he may be Vulcan)!

It feels (to both of us) like we go around in circles. He says he thinks we may be "emotionally incompatible", and I wonder if he might be right... It does feel as if we speak different emotional languages, and I'm constantly having to interpret what he says and does to figure out what he really means - for example, he didn't mean to be critical, just helpful/honest, or that small positive comment he just made was, in fact, a big compliment, or he was only trying to do what he thought best, even if it actually just makes things more difficult for me! Does anyone else find this in their relationship - is it just a normal "mars/venus" thing? Do I just need to be more fluent in manspeak?!!

[Sierra]

I'm sorry and I realize this may be really unsupportive and I know your whole post isn't about this ... but are you complaining about a present? Really?




As for the REAL issues here, it sounds like you both need to be more effective at communication. He needs to make more of an effort at being communicative and you need to meet his communication needs as well. I do, however, understand your issues with last minute trips and planning. Like you, my boyfriend has to wait until he knows where he is on his work projects to know how much time he can take off work. It's extra hard because I can't go see him, and while I want nothing more than to spend more time with him, we are always at the whim of his employers who let him know very last minute what is going on and if he'll have the time off work.

I've just learned to accept this and go with it and not get stressed out, it'll be what it'll be. And some time together is better than none.

Back to the point at hand, if you're having these issues in your relationship you need to figure out a way to more effectively communicate with each other, if he wants you to learn the language of communication, I would gently remind him that you're trying to but it's hard when you hear from him infrequently, and his dismissal of what you do for the relationship really hurts you.

[YorkshireLass]

I'm sorry and I realize this may be really unsupportive and I know your whole post isn't about this ... but are you complaining about a present? Really?

Hehe, yeah, I know, I do sound like a spoilt brat there (I assure you, I'm not!). In itself, it's a wonderful present - it's just really not what I want/need, and as I'm trying to get rid of stuff that I don't want/need before moving, and I did try to make it easy for him to get the right thing... Anyway, it was more the trigger than the cause.

As for the REAL issues here, it sounds like you both need to be more effective at communication. He needs to make more of an effort at being communicative and you need to meet his communication needs as well.

Yeah, that's pretty much the crux of it. How does one explain these things to a man in such a way that they can understand, but not be offended?! That's what I really need to figure out...

I do, however, understand your issues with last minute trips and planning. Like you, my boyfriend has to wait until he knows where he is on his work projects to know how much time he can take off work. It's extra hard because I can't go see him, and while I want nothing more than to spend more time with him, we are always at the whim of his employers who let him know very last minute what is going on and if he'll have the time off work.

Aw, that sucks. My boyfriend is actually his own boss, so he approves his own time off; however, he does still rely on other people to get stuff done, and he doesn't like to be out of the country if it's likely to delay progress on an important project. In theory, I could go see him I guess (I did fly back for a few days in March), but I've used up all my paid leave now and I'm trying to save money! Plus I'm pretty busy for the next couple of months before I leave... I guess we just have to learn to make the most of being spontaneous.

I just noticed your little ticker thingies; it looks like you get to see your guy soon? I hope you have a fantastic time together!

[Sierra]

I understand where you're coming from with the present deal, but to complain about it, to me, is another thing. I don't make much money so when it's present time I try to tell people - look, I'm not dicking around, I'm asking for these things because I NEED them. I spent a lot of my time returning presents but that's ok. It sounds like even though you decided what you wanted, he decided to be a man and get you what he thought was best.

To me it sounds like you're stressed out, and you guys just need to talk it out, and will.

. How does one explain these things to a man in such a way that they can understand, but not be offended?!

I have no clue, lol. Luckily my boyfriend and I haven't really had this issue yet, but I know we will in the future. I know it's a man's natural instinct to provide, and to help and fix so when they don't do that right and we insist we know better they get super butthurt. You have to figure out how to communicate in your relationship.

In general, I've found that using an I message is really effective, it doesn't really place the blame on anyone and avoids someone getting defensive...
"I feel (how you feel) when you (their action) because (how it effects you)". I usually try to follow it up with "Do you think in the future you could (solution to problem) because (how it would effect me and be positive)" and then have a really good conversation from there. This has worked for me in all aspects of my life, relationships, friendships and professionally.

Good luck! And thanks for the well wishes

[Kerry]

<<I love him to bits, but sometimes it feels like such hard work, and I wonder if it's really worth it. I know he cares about me and he does make an effort for me, in his own way, but there seems to be a mismatch in what we each think makes a relationship work.>>

this is the part of your post that stuck out the most for me. if you're relationship is unbalanced you need to have a talk with your bf about it. talk to him about what's on your mind. in a romantic relationship, both partners must be on the same page. if not resentment grows (I've experienced this). if a romantic relationship is worth it both partners have to work at it equally.

[aggie]

Seems like there is a lot of issues put together that made you upset. I understand the present thing... The only thing you can do, is to explain to him why you asked for the thing you asked, show him how its better than the thing he got you. Say you appreciate his concern about it being the best for you, but that in this one matter you actually know exactly what you need.

I agree with Kerry - that part got to me the most... I don't like the 'If it's worth it' bit. Ans my relationship may not be the healthiest example on that matter either. BUT ... I would like you to think - does the mismatch only occur when youre LD ? or is it the same when youre CD? It's all worth it, if you still feel you can rely on him, if he makes you happy when you are together. I mean, my SO is hopeless long distance - he tries his best, but I just know that sitting in front of computer, online dates, or even texting and reporting what is going on isn't his thing. And even though I needed that for a long long time, and we argued constantly (we even broke up because of it!) about us having different expectations from a long distance relationship (I wanted him to share EVERYTHING with me, write me morning messages, long emails and spend basically every spare minute he had with me, while he was happy to know that I am his, that he can count on me when he needs to, that he's the first person I ring when I have a problem etc), I happened to realise.. that in the end - we both need to learn how to deal with it... so it was either let us have our ways on easing the distance issues, or it was over. So I learned to appreciate that he trusts me, that I can ring him whenever I want ... and I also stopped being all needy and winge to him about not having enough communication. Took a lot of work, duh.. took a break up and writing down our golden rules that were a compromise between his and my requirements... We get away with little bending of those, and sure, it shits me sometimes ... But everyone has a different way of dealing with the distance, no matter how much alike you are... And we can't really make the other person unhappy by making them do what makes us happy...

You're going to sort it out in the end, if you love each other, you both need to do some sacrifices, but it's for the best. And I'm a firm believer that if you can make your LDR work, then CDR afterwards is going to be a piece of cake.

[halliekins]

Hm...I agree with everything everyone's said on the trust issue. I'd just like to add something small about the present fiasco I can't speak for all men, but the few men I've been in relationships with have not picked up on many of my hints, even when they seem blatantly obvious to me. It took some time to realize that despite any hints we may drop, men are not mind readers and sometimes we have to be straightforward with what we want or don't want. And I dunno, maybe this is just me, but to tell him you did appreciate it as you plan on returning it is pretty offensive. Yeah, he didn't get you what you wanted, but he did buy you a gift eh? It's easier for me to say, as I'm not in your current situation, but I would try to look at the big picture, rather than stressing the little things

[cybunny]

The thing I don't understand is someone saying "they don't have time" Like seriously someone can't find 10-30 mins in a day to have a skype call or write a e mail or any other form of communicating! I do see getting mad over a gift a bit on the silly side, but I think it stems from the bigger issue at hand, and that is your SO not making a effort to share time with you! I know when my partner is away for work he brings his lap top and always tries to have a chat with me before he sleeps for the night! As you have already stated you have told him that you are having a issue with this, and he seems to not get how big of a issue it is to you! So I would say try and let him know that it rely hurts that he is too "busy"for you so often, and that all your asking for is for him to at least try to make a effort to squeeze in some time with ya. Anyway I dunno if what I wrote helped at all lol I guess I just know how much it sucks being in a ldr at times, and how much of a pick me up it is when your SO makes that lil effort! *hugs*

[YorkshireLass]

Wow, thanks for all the replies!

It sounds like even though you decided what you wanted, he decided to be a man and get you what he thought was best.

Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Men, huh?!

In general, I've found that using an I message is really effective, it doesn't really place the blame on anyone and avoids someone getting defensive...
"I feel (how you feel) when you (their action) because (how it effects you)". I usually try to follow it up with "Do you think in the future you could (solution to problem) because (how it would effect me and be positive)"

Yeah, I've tried the "I feel..." stuff before, to which the standard retort is that, now he's explained why he does/did a certain thing, I should know in future not to feel that way, and he shouldn't have to change how he acts because he is the logical/rational one! I'll keep trying, though; perhaps if I break it down into smaller chunks, and try to explain it better, I might get through eventually...

does the mismatch only occur when youre LD ? or is it the same when youre CD?

To tell the truth, we've been having the same issues for the whole time we've been together (5 years, of which only one has been LD). Although, even when we lived near each other, it wasn't exactly a typical relationship: our schedules meant that we only really managed to spend time together at the weekends, when he'd come over after he'd finished work on a Saturday (around 8/9pm usually) and stay until Sunday afternoon/evening (depending on what else he had to do). We occasionally went out in the evenings during the week, but I was generally too tired after work to do much besides have dinner and watch some TV, and he didn't think it worthwhile meeting up unless we "did something". He's never been much of a one for texting or calling, either; communication in his world is done only to resolve an issue or make something happen!

So, it's never really matched my ideal of what a relationship should be... and being LD just makes it harder. What keeps me going is that, yes, he does make me happy when we're together (the vast majority of the time, at least), and he's a great guy in every other way! Just a little too, well, male, sometimes... The plan is that, when I move back, we'll get a place together; my hope is that by being around each other more, communication will happen more naturally. He says that after all this time, we should be able to communicate without misunderstandings, but I wonder if we've just not had enough practice at it when things are good to be able to deal with them well when they aren't!

Your situation does sound a bit like mine, Aggie; we also came to a compromise regarding frequency of correspondence, which is less than I'd really like but as much (or sometimes apparently more) than he can manage. I really do try to appreciate the effort he makes, but it's like being on an emotional diet and sometimes I feel the need to pig out a little

the few men I've been in relationships with have not picked up on many of my hints, even when they seem blatantly obvious to me

Ain't that the truth! Apparently even my writing an e-mail which explicitly stated several makes and models which I would have been perfectly happy/over the moon to receive wasn't obvious enough...

And I dunno, maybe this is just me, but to tell him you did appreciate it as you plan on returning it is pretty offensive.

Yeah, I admit I handled that part badly. When I figured out what he'd bought me, I felt really wretched for about an hour; not just because of the extra hassle it caused me, but because I didn't want to hurt him by saying I didn't like it, and it was too expensive for me to just keep and pretend! I was also feeling a little tired of having to appreciate the thought/gesture over the actual result (it's not the first time it's happened, but with little things it doesn't matter) and I decided that, rather than fret until our chat the next morning, I'd send an e-mail (oh, e-mail, how easy you make it to say things we shouldn't!). Still, it's done now; I just have to deal with the fallout.

The thing I don't understand is someone saying "they don't have time" Like seriously someone can't find 10-30 mins in a day to have a skype call or write a e mail or any other form of communicating!

Yeah, some people's time is just too precious I guess! To be fair, we do spend 2-4 hours most weeks on video chat, so I really shouldn't complain, although our conversations often feel quite superficial - I tried introducing some of the "questions for couples", but he "doesn't want to be told by an outsider what we should talk about".

Anyway I dunno if what I wrote helped at all lol I guess I just know how much it sucks being in a ldr at times, and how much of a pick me up it is when your SO makes that lil effort! *hugs*

Thanks for your support It is surprising how much the tiniest things can mean!