Retroactive Jealousy?

[NaNi]

I'm not jealous. I don't care if my SO goes out with her friends. I might tease her that people could easily hit on her, but I trust her completely.

But the thing is... I'm jealous over her past relationship. I'm jealous over the fact that I wasn't her first kiss. That I wasn't the first person she made out with. That I wasn't the first person she held hands with (she was my first for everything).

I don't have any problems as long as I don't think about it too much, but as soon as I do I get really quiet and sad. Images fill my head with my SO and that ex-boyfriend. Doing things. It makes me feel sick.

We're both really happy still and try to work on this together. But I'm not sure if I'm alone with this problem? Maybe I am. I don't read it too much on here. There's nothing that can be done anyway. I do know that. The past is the past. But it still doesn't make it much easier.

They even call retroactive jealousy a type of OCD and mental illness.

It's also interesting that I never have these thoughts when we're actually together. It's only when we're LD. Maybe because I have too much time to think about these things. Thinking how "he" lives so much closer to her and I don't.

I guess I just needed to vent...?

[BlueCat]

I understand what you're saying. I think earlier on in my relationship I felt somewhat jealous of his past girlfriends. But to be honest, I simply don't think about it anymore. There's no reason to because they seperated for a reason, and I can't see a past relationship clouding something when two people are really happy together. There's no reason to go back to the other person.

[Joyce:)]

Oh my goodness I sometimes facebook-stalk my SO's ex, and I shouldn't, because I end up feeling even worse about myself, thinking that his ex is just plain stunning.
Then i just have to remind myself that he's with me, not with her, not with any other past relationship of his, he chose ME out of all. She chose YOU out of all, instead of the people close to her, instead of the people in her city.
You may not have been her first kiss, or whatever, but you're her last kiss, the only person she wants to be with.

[folclor]

oh, I definitely feel that. my boyfriend is my first kiss and all, too, and he's kissed, made out with, gone all the way with, and even proposed to one of his exes. So, yah, when I sit down and think I sometimes get upset. That used to be a really big issue, actually. ^^; however, he doesn't talk to her so slowly I got over it. For me it was just training myself not to think of her and stuff. It got really hard at one point because I don't know if he's actually thrown away the engagement ring he had for her. He may've now but he hadn't the first time I went.

No, you're not alone in that feeling ^^ but I think it's partially normal. as long as you can learn to live with it and work through it y'all will be okay.

[snow_girl]

It seems like you already know its a bit irrational to feel that way. I can understand that she was all of your firsts so it might have been nice to share that together but you two are early 20s? There is no possible way that she could have known in her teens that she would meet you and you would feel that way. I think you just have to try not to think about it cause there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince/princess.

[NaNi]

Oh my goodness I sometimes facebook-stalk my SO's ex, and I shouldn't, because I end up feeling even worse about myself, thinking that his ex is just plain stunning.

I'm also guilty of stalking my SO's ex on Facebook. I don't want to, but I sometimes can't help it. They're no longer friends on there though. Which actually relaxed me quite a bit.

[nicole]

I'm also guilty of stalking my SO's ex on Facebook. I don't want to, but I sometimes can't help it. They're no longer friends on there though. Which actually relaxed me quite a bit.

I used to too, when the said ex was being crazy and trying to break us up, I was so frightened about her ruining what we have. They aren't friends anymore on there either so it helped a lot.

I used to get very jealous of past girlfriends, but I've sort of grown out of it I guess? It helped that my SO stopped telling stories about them though, when he realized it hurt my feelings. Though this weekend we went to visit some of his friends who are still friends with one of his other exs, they brought up her wedding which was fine because they were asking if they could stay the night before at his place etc, but then his friend started going "I wonder what horrible things she spread about you to her sorority sisters when you broke up..." then kept going on about it. Even though they were talking about the break-up, and my SO was trying to curb the conversation... I still felt a pang of hurt and jealousy.

I think we KNOW they are in the past etc, but we just don't want to think of our SOs being that way with someone other then ourselves in the end. It sucks and it's irrational, but you could say thinking about it and getting jealous is a kind of habit- like the fb stalking became a habit; it's a matter of breaking it. Maybe every time you start thinking about it, try to stop yourself, and write down a really happy memory you have of being with her, or something you want to do in the future with her-something personal to YOU and HER. Those memories, and future hopes and wishes are yours and hers, no-one else's, and those definitely overshadow the past from before

[NaNi]

I think we KNOW they are in the past etc, but we just don't want to think of our SOs being that way with someone other then ourselves in the end. It sucks and it's irrational, but you could say thinking about it and getting jealous is a kind of habit- like the fb stalking became a habit; it's a matter of breaking it. Maybe every time you start thinking about it, try to stop yourself, and write down a really happy memory you have of being with her, or something you want to do in the future with her-something personal to YOU and HER. Those memories, and future hopes and wishes are yours and hers, no-one else's, and those definitely overshadow the past from before

That's exactly how I feel! I know that it's her past, but knowing that somebody came that close to her, touched her, kissed her... it makes me feel really weird. All I can think about is "she's mine, no one was/is supposed to touch her that way!"

[garnet]

I used to let this bother me too, in a previous relationship. The best thing for me was to remind myself, as joyce92ts said, I may not have been his first whatever, but I would be his last. I think it's normal to feel this way. Sometimes you just can't help thinking about it, and it can totally ruin a day! The ex bf being off of her fb is great, I know that would make me a lot happier too (my stalking was in the old days on myspace ha). She's all yours now, so try and remember that she chose you, and he is long gone. Just the way she wants it!

[Sierra]

I totally get it but my friends don't. It hurts to me hear about past relationships because I'm constantly comparing myself to other people my boyfriend has been with. Oh she did this, oh he considers her the one who got away, oh she's so much prettier than me and I'll never be like that.

I understand why for some people it's important to know about past relationships, but I'm not at the point in my relationship yet where I can talk to my boyfriend about those without feeling jealous. For me my feelings of jealousy aren't actually jealousy, well I guess they are, but mostly it's a feeling of being inadequate. He's never been in a long distance relationship before and while I know he's in one with me now, which means he thinks I'm worth it, I still get jealous of the women he's been with and the things he's done for them.

It also makes me upset that they treated him badly when I feel like I never want to let him go.

My very good friend thinks it's important to talk about past relationships, length, why they ended and all that, and it really bothers her that while we've known each other for so long we both know very little about each others past relationships. I've tried to tell her, if I find out that he was with someone for 4 years and lived with her, I'm going to get really jealous and I don't feel like I can handle that right now in this part of our relationship.

You and your SO have been together for a long time, and I think that at this point you should start realizing that you have no reason to be jealous. Your SO chose you, not anyone else -- just you.

[NaNi]

She's all yours now, so try and remember that she chose you, and he is long gone. Just the way she wants it!

That line made me smile.

[kteire]

My SO hasn't had a girlfriend before me, although I get jealous about people he's hooked up with in the past. I don't know who any of them are, but I try to avoid looking through his friends list on facebook and speculating. One girl I do get jealous about is someone that he had reciprocated feelings for... they went to their grad/proms together and only decided not to date because they were about to head to universities in different cities. I've met her a few times, and she apparently thinks I'm great and told Loic to hang onto me, but I don't like thinking about their history haha.

I don't think it's necessarily something to worry about in your case though. All of your firsts were with her, so I'd imagine that it'd be weird knowing she had her firsts with someone else. But to echo everyone else - she's with you, and not him, for a reason!! My sister has also had a lot jealousy about that, her bf of 4 years had most of his firsts before her, and she'd never dated/kissed/etc anyone before him. She got over it eventually! I mean, if it's an issue that lasts for a long time, then it might be worth trying to work through it, but some jealousy from time to time is normal.

[NaNi]

Thanks for all the replies! I'm doing really good until those images pop up in my head again. I just always see them sitting close to each other, their lips touching, them kissing. His lips on hers. Him trying to shove his tongue down her throat. It breaks my heart. It's like torturing myself, but I can't help it. For some weird reason. It does help to ignore those thoughs and to only concentrate on the good things, but it always comes back.

[jennyjellybeans]

I'll admit I'm guilty of jealousy at the beginning, he's had a relationship and he flat out told me it went straight to kissing, but he also told me it helped him grow a bit as a person and I think I agree there. If he hadn't had the time with the person before me, it might have made things different. Who knows! Maybe he would have been too nervous to even flirt with me, I couldn't say! :P
But when he told me about this, I was upset, I acted as if it was nothing but it really bothered me that I had never even been with a boy really and that he had been with someone already. But! I realize now it doesnt really matter, cause like everyone said, he chose me just like your girl chose you! And, although were long distance, I think were doing pretty darn good together. No fights and no being angry at one another and I've seen that happen with other people's relationships, including my parents. :/ Anyway, just think positively! You don't have to dwell on negative things like her past relationship, they'll just make you feel bad. Keep in mind she's yours, and if all goes well, she always will be.

[Engel]

Oh my goodness I sometimes facebook-stalk my SO's ex, and I shouldn't, because I end up feeling even worse about myself, thinking that his ex is just plain stunning.
Then i just have to remind myself that he's with me, not with her, not with any other past relationship of his, he chose ME out of all. She chose YOU out of all, instead of the people close to her, instead of the people in her city.
You may not have been her first kiss, or whatever, but you're her last kiss, the only person she wants to be with.

ive done that with a girl that used to be in love with my ex, hehe
i am his first girlfriend, but im jealous even of ex flirts of him, he only kissed two girls before me, besides kissing, i was his first everything else (i wish he was mine as well. but he wasnt :/ ) and he doesnt even remember their names, haha, as he kissed them in night ckubs, and only one time each of them, to never see again, so they were far from meaningful, i feel jealous more about the ones that were in love with him in the past or that he liked in the past, because for me emotional bonds go beyond the physical ones sometimes. even so that he doesnt remember the name of the girls he kissed because he didnt talk to them and get to know them and etc.

---------- Post added at 01:47 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:45 AM ----------

oh, I definitely feel that. my boyfriend is my first kiss and all, too, and he's kissed, made out with, gone all the way with, and even proposed to one of his exes. So, yah, when I sit down and think I sometimes get upset. That used to be a really big issue, actually. ^^; however, he doesn't talk to her so slowly I got over it. For me it was just training myself not to think of her and stuff. It got really hard at one point because I don't know if he's actually thrown away the engagement ring he had for her. He may've now but he hadn't the first time I went.

No, you're not alone in that feeling ^^ but I think it's partially normal. as long as you can learn to live with it and work through it y'all will be okay.

it was a diamond ring? if yes i dont think he would just trow it away, more likely to sell.