So upset, I wasn't online

[LadyEcstsasy]

Idk if anyone's noticed but I've been pretty absent from the forums for a while. I was busy gearing up for college after I got the news that I had been accepted. And while that news is great for my personal education, future, ect, it suddenly has nothing to do with M and I closing the distance any more..

M won't be able to go back to school with me in the fall and we're both really at a loss about what's going to happen. His parents hate my guts (in summary). His mom is jealous of him dating me and spending time with me and both are preventing me from seeing him and limiting my ability to even talk to him. She constantly harasses him when he's trying to spend time with me online and says "I hate that you talk to her".

They want to take him away so that I won't be able to see him at all while I'm back in college. And I just don't think I can do both college and a ldr. It doesn't work well for me when I'm busy and stressed because of school work, and I really need to buckle down and focus on my education.

M is really frustrating me because I feel like he doesn't understand how much his parents and I don't get along. He defends her to me a lot and it really stings that he would turn a blind eye to what they're doing to our relationship, how they make me really depressed sometimes. I'm trying to push him in the direction of moving out but idk...he says he wants to and he loves me, but he's not really acting that way. He's not doing a whole lot about the situation. He never has...

I really don't know what to do any more. Life without him really is a drag, like I'm missing part of myself. But I'm afraid of pushing him too far in order to get him to get off his butt and figure things out and leave them to be with me. What can I do to encourage him to start looking for alternate living situations? Can I do anything at all to prevent our situation from tearing us apart?

[Lina]

He'll always take his family's part because that's it, he was raised in the middle of it. Yet, if he truly cares about you and would like to do something to improve the things between you, he should reconsider his priorities or values, however you wanna call them. I guess you've talked about it directly, and if not, just say straight to him that things won't work out unless he opens his eyes to the negative way his family is influencing your relationship.

Maybe if he's mom got to know you, through chat, webcam,ect. , she would change her opinion about you and about you and M. being together(cause most of the time parents/relatives hate the LDR partner because they don't know him and they consider him/her a negative factor in their children' lives.).

[Yaaamiii]

I'll have to agree with what Lina said. If he really did care about you then he would try to improve the relationship. After all, there are two of you in that relationship and it just doesn't seem fair to you that you would have to go through all that. I'm sure he has his own side of the story, but he can't just pretend that yours and his parents relationship is just peachy. To me that's just selfish. I don't mean this to offend you, but I feel that perhaps he should reflect on himself...perhaps let him read what you just wrote here. :c

[LadyEcstsasy]

@
Lina
Funny you should say that. His parents tell him all the time that he should reconsider his priorities (aka, not make me a priority). Half the time he says he hates his family. But when I finally start getting annoyed with his mom and calling her what she is behind her back, he gets upset with me. It's like I'm not allowed to be mad about her insulting me. And the other problem is, I have met his mother. I'm not comfortable around parents to begin with, but she just rubs me the wrong way. She's the kind of parent who doesn't act her age and tries to be "cool" and be "friends" with me. Completely against how I was raised. Plus I sensed animosity toward me the minute I met her. M's her only child and I'm his first girlfriend, so I expected trouble. But she's not even giving me a chance. When I said she's jealous of me dating her son, I mean it. She's said as much to him, that I'm "taking him away" that she wishes he'd do things for her instead of for me. It's just weird imo.

He's not exactly what I'd call a mama's boy, but his mother definitely pushes for it. I've heard people say that you can't take a son away from his mother, but I really don't see how I can put up with this woman being involved in my life and relationship any more. I have more issues with her than I do with my own estranged family. (that's saying A LOT).

[misscaitlin906]

Im not one hundred percent of the best way to handle this but just remember that things will work out in the end. Just stay strong.

[Mara]

The tough part is whether you or him or anyone likes it or not, that's his mother and you have to respect that. Yes, she may not be the most wonderful person in the world and yes, she may be cruel/mean to you, but there's really nothing you can do unless he decides to stand up to her and even then, it would be a lot of turmoil.

I was in this situation for 3 years where my ex's mother hated me with a passion. He was her only child and I was his first 'serious' girlfriend. She went out of her way to make our lives miserable. She wasn't the cause for the end of our relationship, but I can't say that I was sad to never ever talk to her again. No matter what he did whether it was standing up for me, trying to ignore the situation, or even putting some distance between the two of them it was still there. After a while, I just began to seriously ignore it.

I think at some point you just have to accept that they don't like you. They probably will never like you. It might get better with time or it might not. It seemed the longer my ex and I were together the easier things became between his mother and I. She still hated me, but I think she got a little bit more respect for me. It never was pleasant between us, but we managed after quite some time to be civil.

Have you tried talking to your SO about how you feel about all of this? I think you need to lay everything on the line and tell him what you've told us.

[hillke]

So his parents yanked him out of college so that he couldn't see you anymore?

[LadyEcstsasy]

@Mara
That's the hard part. I don't like her and I don't want anything to do with her and she feels the exact same way about me. He and I are serious and I've said that if he wants to stay serious with me, in pursuit of a long-term, his mother CANNOT come too. I know a lot of people would frown at me for that. I never wanted it to be that way, I don't want to "take him away" as his mother accuses me. But the way things are, they are trying to take him from me and I feel like I have no choice but to tell him that no matter what I do the ultimatum is on the table already. It's either me or his parents. Right now I'm just trying to hold on until he moves out and when that happens, she's out of the picture - permanently. Trouble is, he's not really being active about moving out any more. He's the one who used to talk about us living together, staying together long-term. Now he's shying away from it. I know it can be scary to move out and I know he's worried about what could go wrong but....

is it wrong to think that if he loved me enough he would do it? I know he's not blind to how his parents effect our relationship but that doesn't mean he does a whole lot to rectify it. And he could never stand up to his parents. They don't respect him and they treat him like dirt. So I guess it's only natural for them to treat me the same way.

[Mara]

I'm thinking maybe some of the reason he isn't actively looking to move out is because he doesn't want to. If he defends her to you then she is someone he cares about and I doubt he is going to want or is willing to cut her completely out of his life. He may talk about moving out or the two of you being long term, but I think the reality of the situation [it being you or his parents] is not one that he can really live up to. I think if it comes down between a choice between you and his parents you wouldn't like the outcome. I don't think it has anything to do with love or commitment, but people are bonded to their parents. They are the people who raise you, it isn't so easy to walk out on them.

The only thing that I can suggest is for you to talk honestly and frankly with him about the whole situation. If you feel he doesn't really want to move out or is hesitating, call him on it and figure out why.

[Moon]

@Mara
That's the hard part. I don't like her and I don't want anything to do with her and she feels the exact same way about me. He and I are serious and I've said that if he wants to stay serious with me, in pursuit of a long-term, his mother CANNOT come too. I know a lot of people would frown at me for that. I never wanted it to be that way, I don't want to "take him away" as his mother accuses me. But the way things are, they are trying to take him from me and I feel like I have no choice but to tell him that no matter what I do the ultimatum is on the table already. It's either me or his parents. Right now I'm just trying to hold on until he moves out and when that happens, she's out of the picture - permanently. Trouble is, he's not really being active about moving out any more. He's the one who used to talk about us living together, staying together long-term. Now he's shying away from it. I know it can be scary to move out and I know he's worried about what could go wrong but....

is it wrong to think that if he loved me enough he would do it? I know he's not blind to how his parents effect our relationship but that doesn't mean he does a whole lot to rectify it. And he could never stand up to his parents. They don't respect him and they treat him like dirt. So I guess it's only natural for them to treat me the same way.

You're going to lose this one. Unless someone's parents are completely psychotic or abusive, they don't cut them out of their lives. I think it's very wrong to ask that of him, and it's obviously something he doesn't want to do, which is why he's not looking into moving out. Regardless of how I felt about a guy, if he asked that of me, he'd be out the door, I decide who I maintain relationships with. Think about it, he can get another girlfriend easily, he can't get another family, I don't think you quite comprehend the ramifications of what you're telling him to do. You may want to step back, and seriously look inside yourself and see if perhaps you've got control issues. If you want any chance of a future with him, you'll find some way of compromising and stop fighting about his mother.

[oukeying]

Sorry, I won't be a lot of help, but I'm kind of in danger of being in the same situation.. My SO and I go to college together. I can't see him at all this summer, even though the physical distance between us is pretty manageable, because his mother hates me and threatened to not let him come back to school here if I come down to see him. [she didn't even want him to go to this school in the first place] It's so scary, that she has that kind of power over our relationship.

[LadyEcstsasy]

@outkeying
Yep, that's basically how things are between M and I. We met in college and actually live within 45 minutes of each other during breaks. But even so close, they don't let him spend much time with me and constantly try to drag him away. Heck, even when he's away they try to limit his ability to communicate with me, and complain when he does talk to me.

But there is good news. I think. We've talked about this some more (not like we haven't been hedging the subject for weeks) and since his dad completely blew up and went off on him, basically ordering him on what he's going to do (which basically involves leaving me), M has gotten a bit more serious-sounding about moving out. I don't want to doubt him (but I do, he's wishy-washy like that sometimes). I think all the talk is done for the most part, now it's just waiting on him to make the moves of asking around for roommates, seeing who he might be able to move in with, where he will work and how he will get there - not to make light of big issues. We've talked about possibilities. I just have to wait and hope he goes through with it. I don't say it to him, but I'm scared too about what might happen. We're both young and it's a big change - one that's scarier for him than it is for me (considering the number of times I've been kicked out of my home and had to find a place to stay).

A think the biggest thing he's worried about is getting stressed out and us finding out we don't work well living together. The same thing anyone worries about when talking about moving in together. Anyone have any advice on how best to prepare for that? Or advice on how best to prepare for moving in and suddenly seeing the person I barely see a few days out of a month - if I'm lucky - all the time instead? Anyone been in a situation where they had to move out before they were "ready" because of an ldp?