Promises.

[BoogleBee]

Hey guys. I need some help or advice. Maybe I am just being the total cow here?

A few months ago I think I had a mini-breakdown. Uni stress, family stress, and the LDR stress, and our arguments got to a boiling point and I kind of exploded which resulted in my feelings getting all confused and even me thinking I was doubting my feelings for my SO. See here.

We sorted things out, or so I thought. I do love my SO. I love her with all my heart. Completely and utterly. But then as expected I suppose she has become very self-concious and worried about if I will doubt my feelings again which is understandable.

I just wanted to know though is it bad to say that you can't promise right now at this very moment that you will love someone forever. You can promise that you want to spend the rest of your life with them, that you can picture that future with them, that you intend to be there for them, that you love them with all your heart, that you want to love them forever.

I just keep thinking what if I change as I get older, into someone else, someone my SO doesn't like as much. What if something happens in 10 years, 20 years...etc and something happens to us and I break that promise that I made all those years ago. I know I am probably over-thinking it all. But I made all those other promises but was scared to make that last one in case I ended up breaking it. Not that I intend to or anything. I did in the end promise that I would love her for ever and ever but it won't fix anything now.


Basically she has nearly called off her trip to see me in just under 3 weeks. I don't know what to do. I love her so much.

[Joyce:)]

"love is forever until it lasts", my parents have been telling me this a lot lately.
I've promised "forever and always" because in my heart i feel like i am meant to be with my SO, but yes, at times i wonder if time will change our relationship.
We all wish we could see what the future has in store, and i think that all the people on this site wish that the future will coincide with spending our lives with our significant others.
You love her, that's what should matter right now to the both of you. Enjoy this relationship, don't worry about the "if"s, everybody gets scared and has doubts, but you mustn't let these doubts get in the way of your relationship.

[Zephii]

We don't control love. It's not something you can promise, because it's not something that's truly under your control.

Hopefully though, you will both grow and change together and that will make your love even stronger.

I think you just need each other right now <3 hang in there both of you!

[lucybelle]

I never, ever say "forever". That might be because of my fear of commitment, or because I'm not sure if I actually do want this to be "forever". See my belief in relationships is that you're with the right person at the right time. Right now, my SO and I are great together. But maybe in 20 years we will no longer be the right people for each other. That's okay with me. The idea of growing apart seems sort of inevitable. Don't get me wrong, I love my SO dearly. But people change so much every year that I just can't see being with him "forever and ever". I'm not planning a break up. Goodness knows if we broke up tomorrow I'd be torn apart. But I don't know if I like the idea of "forever" right now.

So, I do tell him I want to be with him, that I love him very much, and that I want us to have a long, fruitful relationship. I don't feel like I'm pessimistic, I feel like I'm realistic.

I hope some of that brought you a little peace.

[Mara]

I don't think love just goes away. When you really love someone, really and truly love that person, in my experience, you don't just stop. Yes, maybe one day you realize that it just isn't going to work for any number of reasons or that person just doesn't make you happy anymore, but that doesn't change your love.

I think though we can't focus on the what ifs of the future or what may would happen. Focus on the here and now. Focus on how you feel now. The what ifs may never come.

[SwtAngelaStar]

Something I don't get is how can you promise to be with them forever and spend forever with them but not love them forever? Isn't that the same thing?

No one knows what the future holds, we only know what we feel now and what we hope for the future. Life changes everyday but I don't think you need to live in fear that the other person is going to change the way they feel or somethings going to happen. What if you end up lasting forever and you've been worrying? You've done all that worrying for nothing. I say stop thinking so much, go with what you feel and live life day by day. That's the best you can do. If something happens in 10 years down the road and things change, then worry about that then. You can't do anything now to change what may or may not happen then. You can only control the here and now and I say live and love your life!

[Moon]

I used to think love was a forever thing, but as I've gotten older, I've realized it's not necessarily true. You can't promise someone you'll love them forever because, while you may mean it at that moment, forever is a hell of a long time and there's no way to know what the future may hold for you. People do change, and grow apart, change is constant if you're actively working on yourself, you learn new things, have new experiences and gain wisdom in the process and it does make you a different person. That person you'll become over the next 10 or 20 years and beyond just may not be compatible with the person our partner becomes as they go down their own path.

While you try living up to your promises, resentment can grow and love can die. It's not romantic, but it is reality! It's quite common for couples to marry, have a few kids and when the kids leave home, they find out they've become strangers to each other. The kids became their only commonality. So, I think it's OK that you can't make that promise, and I kind of think it's unfair to you to be asked to. Talk is cheap, you could easily just say "Yeah, yeah, I'll love you forever, sure, blah, blah, blah" just to placate her, but you're being sincere, and I feel that should be appreciated.

[Yaaamiii]

I don't think love just goes away. When you really love someone, really and truly love that person, in my experience, you don't just stop. Yes, maybe one day you realize that it just isn't going to work for any number of reasons or that person just doesn't make you happy anymore, but that doesn't change your love.

I think though we can't focus on the what ifs of the future or what may would happen. Focus on the here and now. Focus on how you feel now. The what ifs may never come.

I agree with Mara. I hold, I suppose, an interesting view of what love is. I don't view it as just a feeling but also a sort of commitment. I don't think that love just goes away with time. Perhaps the feeling you once felt does, but love, unconditional love I believe does not. But that may just be me :P

[Malaga]

I've always steered clear from words like forever and always. It's such an unnecessary burden on both people. I don't want him to tell me he'll love me forever, or stay with me forever. When we get ready for marriage, we'll make that promise then, but even then it's merely a formal statement of intent. If I want to be able to trust him completely and rely on him, I can't have him promise me anything that's beyond his control.

Our feelings for each other run deep. But at any point something might stand in our way, that's too big for us to get over. We have a joint calendar where we mark our visits, plans and important dates. Even now, basically a year since we got together, I only mark milestones after they happened. Our first anniversary is in September, and I just didn't want to mark it before it happened.
However, he's marked it already...

[garnet]

I think you're probably over thinking this a bit, and I can see why Nani would be totally freaking out from what happened before. That would be very hard for me to let go of, or forget too. I'm sure she tried/tries though. She just needs big reassurance from a big (guessing here) shock to her system. Can you maybe tell her what you sorta said here? That you don't know what the future holds, but for right now, you loved her yesterday, you love her today, and you'll love her tomorrow? Or that you hope you'll be together forever? That doesn't put the pressure on a promise from either of you, it's just what you are wishing for right now.

Good luck, I know you two love each other so much, and it makes me so sad to see these struggles.

[nic&matt]

My dad tells me something I find sort of comforting, but it doesn't work for everyone.
Our language is so limited in some words which makes it hard to convey the right emotion. We have "like" and "love". Obviously, you like her more than "like" so it's "love". And, "love" means LOTS of things.
1. Warm affection or devotion
2. Sexual desire/act
3. Positive Emotion towards verbs or inanimate objects
4. Term of endearment
The two differences are you can "love friends" and "love a spouse". They are very different loves and for me, I know my SO is my best friend. No matter what happens to us as a couple, I will always respect him, feel support from/for him, and cherish the good times. That's one way when, the going gets tough, I can stick it out and tell him "I do love you" because I know in that sense, I always will. He has apart of me I can never get back and will always remain with him forever.
Good luck sorting out all your thoughts, I know it's tough. I hope that helped but again, it doesn't work for everyone. You guys are really inspiring, and I hope you make it!

[BoogleBee]

Thank you for your responses everyone, I am rushing to get ready for uni so can't read through them all properly right now but from what I have seen they all have good advice and things I agree with. Thank you

Can you maybe tell her what you sorta said here? That you don't know what the future holds, but for right now, you loved her yesterday, you love her today, and you'll love her tomorrow? Or that you hope you'll be together forever? That doesn't put the pressure on a promise from either of you, it's just what you are wishing for right now.

I did do that yesterday, said all those things, but she needed to hear that exact promise - that I would never doubt my feelings, and never fall out of love etc.

[Zephii]

Something I don't get is how can you promise to be with them forever and spend forever with them but not love them forever? Isn't that the same thing?

Not at all, IMO. I'm about to marry Obi. And I'm going to take a vow that goes something like "For better or for worse... as long as we both shall live". I put a lot of thought into that. If you look at it crittically I'm saying "I vow to stay with you until you or I die, even if you make me miserable". Why would anyone do that? Well, because there is a lot more to "forever" than love- and indeed - a lot more to marriage than love. Food for thought eh? I'll stop there before I derail this though

[BoogleBee]

You love her, that's what should matter right now to the both of you. Enjoy this relationship, don't worry about the "if"s, everybody gets scared and has doubts, but you mustn't let these doubts get in the way of your relationship.

That is what I tried to tell her. I am not worried about our future. I am focusing on our relationship in the present so we can make that future together. But you are right, I shouldn't worry about the "what ifs" like that. I want to be with her, and I love her with all my heart and that should be what matters. But it doesn't seem to be for her.

We don't control love. It's not something you can promise, because it's not something that's truly under your control.

Hopefully though, you will both grow and change together and that will make your love even stronger.

I think you just need each other right now <3 hang in there both of you!

Thanks for that Zephii. That's exactly how I think too. But I don't know if she can..

So, I do tell him I want to be with him, that I love him very much, and that I want us to have a long, fruitful relationship. I don't feel like I'm pessimistic, I feel like I'm realistic.

That is what I think. I am not being pessimistic or anything! Or expecting our relationship to end. Like you said I would be torn apart if such a thing happened. I want to be with her, oh I so do. So much.

So, I think it's OK that you can't make that promise, and I kind of think it's unfair to you to be asked to. Talk is cheap, you could easily just say "Yeah, yeah, I'll love you forever, sure, blah, blah, blah" just to placate her, but you're being sincere, and I feel that should be appreciated.

Thank you Moon. I just don't know what to do. I just want to focus on us, our current relationship. To work to create that future that we can have together. But I feel like this one promise issue is gonna destroy us now.

Thanks to everyone else for your comments. I won't quote each one as a lot of things said are similar in context. I don't think the situation is getting much better. It's probably getting worse to be honest. I'm just so worried. I feel like she has had enough. I love her so much.

[milaya]

To be honest, words are just words and promises can be broken easier than anything.
If you did promise it now, I can't see what it changes in your relationship, since you both love each other very dearly right now. I understand she's looking for some kind of security, but the security such promise can provide is limited - at least to me.
We never know what will happen tomorrow or what the future holds. Like you said, you don't know what kind of person you are in 10 years, 20 years. I feel nothing like the person I was 5 years ago... just thinking of the changes I can undergo in the next 10 years is sometimes scary.

I do not know if I'm a pessimist or a realist, but I don't promise "forever and after", because I unfortunately am not able to believe in it myself, and like you I don't like to give promises I'm not sure I can hold, just to please others.

Lately my SO tells me that he will love me for a 1000 years, all I have to do is to love him for a 100 years, but since I can not even promise 10 years, I tell him that I will do my best, and that is what I can do, only. He knows I can't promise him forever, he has grown content with the fact that: I love him more than anything now and I'll do my best to in the future as well. No promises.

I hope thing works out for you and your SO.