HELP

[rsetha]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years + and have only seen each other 3 times. In fact I just barely saw her last month and stayed at her place (with her parents!) for 2 weeks and it was just amazing. When we started in high school we were so young and we had no responsibilities so long distance was great! Well now i've had a job for a couple years and a lot more bills, things are starting to fall apart. I'm 21 and she's 20, so we are full grown people, but I feel like she's still 16 years old. Lately for the past couple of months she has been complaining that I don't call her enough. It's summer time and I work in retail in sales (8-10 hour days, 5 days a week) its also commission only and its extremely stressful but pays very well. I get home at about 9:30 pm which is 11:30 pm her time. We talk EVERY night for almost 2 hours but apparently she is REALLY mad that I don't text her enough or facebook. Well, back in highschool I did all those things without a problem, but now I just text to meet up with the guys or I log into facebook once a month. I call and text her during my breaks but the conversation dies fast. I'm just not interested into those things, but I do enjoy webcaming with her. Honestly I talked to her more than my family who are living with me and apparently its not enough. It's driving me nuts. It probably sounds selfish but I haven't had too much time to even take care of myself, I can't go to the gym with the guys, I haven't done my laundry for two weeks, I have financial records to take care and all types of things I have to organize, + college is starting, so things are JUST CHAOTIC. I drop everything when I come home to talk to her, hell I even skip eating sometimes because if I eat first it'll take too long and when I'll call her she'll be sleepy and mad that I didn't call earlier. Every time we talk it drains my energy to do anything productive after and I feeling like a robot. I have enough money to move 1000 miles to live with her, but we have to finish school first and I have 2+ years and maybe law school. I came up with a plan to say i'll call her every other day and make it special as possible and get my **** done on those other days, but she thinks its insane. Her parents have not even let her come visit me yet and she is 20 years old (works for her parents too and not independent whatsoever) and told her I wanted to buy a house next year as a financial investment and she got pissed because she wants me to move over there asap after school. Sometimes I hang out with my siblings at home or go to the bar and parties with the guys and she is sad, mad, etc....etc. I have to pretty much ask for permission from her everything I do. All the "fun" of the relationship is dwindling. What should I do, HELP ME?! (thank you for caring enough to read this )

[Moon]

You both might be chronologically full grown people, but mentally you may simply be on different levels, it happens, those years right after high school, people change a lot. It sounds like she's still stuck in high school mode, whereas you've moved on from that and sadly, there's not much you can do. In the real world, as you've discovered, there's a shift in priorities and things like work take time away from relationships that you used to have, and that's just how it is.

As an adult, you don't have to ask for permission to do things, that's one of the benefits, and you shouldn't allow yourself to be treated that way. It sounds like she's still a bit too immature and insecure, and that may give her some sense of power in her life, and that's not fair to you. I think you need to have a very serious discussion with her about these issues, and if she's not willing to compromise, this relationship may have run it's course, as most do after school is over and adult life sets in. Once a relationship has lost it's sense of fun, it's just not worth it anymore, if you can't get it back, I'm sorry to say. Good luck to you.[COLOR="Silver"]

[yayagrl]

Hmm not sure what to tell you. If you try talking to her about how you feel how does she respond? If you're not happy you should tell her. It sounds like you're trying to make things work which is my eyes is great. She honestly can't expect you to sit home and talk to her and not do anything because that's not fair to you. Try to encourage her to go out with her friends more often. Or tell her to find some hobbies so she's not depending on you so much for companionship because it's not healthy for the relationship at all. She may have a lot of time on her hands when she's not working so getting hobbies would be a good idea. Not sure what else to say though, but I hope I helped enough

[Mara]

I think you both just need to be a little more understanding of the situation your partner is in.

On her end, she probably is trying to substitute the lack of seeing you with talking to you. It's what we all do in long distance relationships. We don't see the person so we talk to them more than we would if we were close distance to sort of make up for not seeing them. I would also be willing to bet that her life is pretty empty outside of you. It doesn't sound like she has friends that she goes out with frequently or hobbies that take up a lot of her time or just anything other than the relationship the two of you are in.

With that said, I think it's hard for her to understand where you are coming from and I think it's hard for her not talking to you all day [because you are working] because she isn't doing other things to take up her time. I would suggest first and foremost that she finds herself some activities to busy herself with.

On your end, obviously you are exhausted from working which is understandable and you have a lot of things to get done and not a lot of time to get it done in. Have you tried explaining any of that to your girlfriend? My boyfriend is fairly busy which keeps him from talking to me at times, but I didn't really understand how busy he was until he explained it to me. Yes, I knew he was working, going to school, etc, but I do the same and couldn't understand why he didn't have as much time as I had until he really just broke it down for me.

Obviously, your girlfriend wants/needs more communication and also some other things to take up her time. She complains about you not texting her and getting on Facebook, but have you explained to her that just really isn't your thing? Instead maybe the two of you could try getting on webcam more often or you could write her letters or emails or some other form of communication just besides talking on the phone?

[krabuzh]

In a LDR, one of way to make it success is compromising and willing to accept any condition of our partner.
But, the most important thing is communication.
If refer to this communication thingy, have you tried to explain your condition to your gf and try to find a solution that is the best for you both?
I mean, there will be no point if you feel desperate but you never tried to communicate it with your gf.

At the moment, your gf might be acting like that because she doesn't know your real condition.
That situation have changed, especially after you've worked so you have only limited time that have to be divided between your work, your life and all.
And apart from your relationship, you still have your own life and you still need a "me-time" to refresh yourself, of course you will have to spend some time with her too.
This is what you should try to explain to your gf and if she really care for you, she supposed to be able to accept your condition.
As a person, you know what is the best for you and your gf. So good luck with your relationship! [COLOR="Silver"]

[Zephii]

I think all you can really do is talk to her, and you may have to be a bit harsh to make her see your realities. Likely she'll freak out and think you don't care however. But, you can try. Those facebook messages and stuff, well, it's childish really, but if takes five seconds. Instead of texting her during your break, write something sappy on her wall once in a while for everyone to see. The reason for this is because it makes you seem more like an actual part of her life rather than some guy she talks to on the phone - it's probably mostly for the beneifit of her family or friends who may hassel her about finding a real/local partner (I think we've all had that problem from time to time).

The other thing is, maybe use your block of two hour talk time to make a better plan to close the distance sooner. Maybe she could tempoararily move to you? Transfer schools or take a gap year or something - getting out from her parents will teach her independance, help her grow up, and living together for a year or so will help you know if this is all actually worth it. Then, when you're done with school you can buy a house closer to her and it wont be (quite) as big a financial risk on your part because the relationship will be more solid etc.
Yes, I realise she might lose her job with her parents to do this, but there's no reason she can't get a job where you are and the life experience is a good thing.

Good luck! And don't lose hope - there were vast maturity level differences in my relationship when we were both your ages, but it didnt stay that way.

[folclor]

Honestly, it sounds like she's very clingy and needy. I have no idea of either of your relationship histories but it seems like y'all have been together a LONG time and this conversation has been a long time coming. You need to explain to her that you need some time to yourself to be able to survive at all. Tell her that you love her but sometimes you want time for you, too. Maybe start out saying that you want one day (a day that you're off, I'd suggest) to yourself to do what you want. Tell her also that this doesn't mean there'll be no contact, just that you also have other things to do, too, and you need to get them done to be happier. She's been spoiled in how you two've been able to talk in the past but I'm sure that she cares enough for you to give you some space.

It also sounds like she might be a little sheltered by her parents? If so she may need encouragement to get out a little from under their wings. That may help her mature emotionally, as well.

I'm sorry this isn't going wonderfully for you at this time but I hope it gets better *hugs*

[AUVSXFGT]

just tell her no matter what's going your feelings haven't changed. that you still love her.

that will buy enough time

-A