Communication issues

[roosie]

Me and my SO have been having a lot of communication issues lately and I was just wondering if anyone has been through a similar situation or could offer some advice. (sorry it's long)

When we started dating a year ago our problems were mostly caused by the language barrier. He is a native English speaker and I'm not so I couldn't understand him very well. When we first met I had to ask him to repeat everything at least twice and if I still couldn't understand, I just smiled and nodded because I was too embarrassed to ask again. I'm used to his British accent now but I still misunderstand him sometimes.

We have had some funny (and less funny..) misunderstandings. Most Finns like to talk as little as possible, so every time we can replace words with some uncertain mumbling, we make sure to use it. I used to say 'mm' instead of yes to tell him I agreed with him but he always thought I hadn't heard what he had said and had asked him to repeat it. So I didn't understand why he always repeated things even though I had already agreed.. While he was probably wondering if I was a little dumb or half deaf. Luckily we realized that at some point.

My English has improved since we started dating and we don't have that many problems because of the language barrier anymore but instead we have some new problems communicating. We used to talk about everything for hours but lately we have just ended up arguing or not really understanding each other. He tends to get very defensive and think that I'm blaming him for the problems we have had even though I have just wanted to talk, not to attack him. My reaction is more extreme and probably makes me sound a bit crazy. When I get upset I withdraw and often it gets to the point where I can't talk anymore. It feels almost as someone is sitting on my chest and strangling me. I know what I want to say but I can't get the words out of my mouth. From what I've heard, I start staring blankly, get lethargic and don't react to anything. It really scares and frustrates my SO and he always starts asking questions which makes me even more upset. I always feel very physically cold and emotionally exhausted afterwards and he doesn't understand why it happens. I know we need to change the way we act and we have tried, but we just seem to go back.

These past few days have been so bad that we decided today that we won't talk for a few days to really take a little break from fighting and think how we could change the situation as we are both really exhausted and sad. I hate arguing and we never really did it before the last month. He is coming to visit me on Saturday so I hope we can sanely talk about this face to face. I really don't know what to do so I'm asking for some advice.. I know this has to change.

Also, would be interesting to hear about other's misunderstandings and communication issues! Thanks for reading!

[Laura_N]

Unfortunately I probably won't be able to help you, but a Finn here too! And my SO is a native Scottish speaker with Glaswegian accent so I can definitely relate to you with the understading issue. I have no problem speaking English (well, I'm shy, so OK, that's a problem but if I do open my mouth my English is understandable) but when she speaks to me on Skype and when we met, I had to keep asking her to repeat. A few times she just ended up saying "never mind", heh. Afterwards when I asked her if she was able to understand me well, she said "yes but I don't think you understood me". For sure I did understand her when she just repeated it a few times! She also wished that the next time we see I'd speak more. I probably already made some kind of personal record with speaking as I can honestly be very shy and not talk much when I meet someone for the first time. But I guess that's very familiar to you too, heh.

Perhaps a few days without talking will be good for you? I was really sad when my SO wanted to have a whole month without staying in touch with me, she just wanted to have a break because her own personal life was a mess. During the break I felt a lot of mixed feelings but now it's been a few months from that and my feelings have definitely grown stronger. I think the break did good for the both of us. Yours would apparently be just some days, but really, it could help.

I also have the same way of reacting when I'm fighting. I hate fighting, so I don't actually fight, I just withdraw. I can even stop answering when I'm sick of arguing. Luckily I don't argue that much, but when I do, I know I might seem a little cold even though that's not my intention. My SO has said it sometimes looks like I don't care. Of course I do care, but it's just a matter of communication. Instead of withdrawing, maybe try to talk about how you feel? I know it's hard but if you guys just keep fighting, there's something there and something must change so the issue can be solved. And make sure you sound like you're not blaming him, but just speaking about your problems in general. I'm pretty sure you have heard all this already but like I said, I might not be any use.

[uniquefem]

Well.. its hard thats all i could say... both of us me and my SO not english native speaker.. he is from Russia, and me from Indonesia.
There is not once we argue over this miscommunication thing. When i say something he interpret that as another thing, and the otherwise, he say things that i think harsh or inappropriate to say.
We rarely chat these days.. i just send him letters and we talk on phone.. and on phone.
Don't be mistaken, my english is very good compare to my friends here in indonesia (TOEFL above 500 and IELTS 6.5-its international standard) and he work in USA for 5 years before more to Germany.... but still we had those language barrier.
Try to be patience and less negative towards each other.. sometimes they don't really meant to say mean thing.. and yes its a hard work to keep it up and not afraid to say "I DONT UNDERSTAND" i will say that bluntly when i am afraid we are somehow "lost in translation".
Just calm down a bit with not talking and try to understand each other more i guess..... this language barrier/communication problem just one of small problems your had in LDR... try to chill out!

[nicole]

We don't have too bad of a language barrier (funny, him being American and me being British, we DO still have times when one of us is "O_O what now?!?!" ), but when I get upset I do what you do and lose the ability to talk- I get really overwhelmed with my feelings sometimes =/ When that happens we usually stop video chatting and switch to IM instead. I can take my time to type my answer and feelings out, and don't feel as much pressure. This strategy has helped us a lot when there's been problems.

[Moon]

Ahhh...the infamous Finnish quietness Somehow, my boy didn't get that trait! The company we work for has offices in Finland, the US and the UK, my boyfriend is fluent in English, and learned British English while in school, but can have a very hard time with any UK accent, be it English, Scottish, whatever. He has a much easier time understanding American accents, always has, I suspect the speech patters must be more similar, maybe? Anyway, communication between men and women can be hard enough in our native languages, let alone speaking something else. When you add slightly different cultures into it, it gets even more confusing, leading to even more misunderstanding

I think maybe when you do talk in a few days, keep it light, talk about what you've been up to, anything interesting you've read or saw on TV, just interesting, conversational things. That's not to say sweep the problems under the rug, just put them on holiday until things get into a better place and the hurt dies down some. Keep relationship talk to a minimum until you're both more ready to tackle it, when you feel safe with each other again, and then introduce it back a little at a time. I find that working on one issue at a time is better than talking over a bunch of problems at once, because you can focus on the compromise/solution rather than a barrage of things that make your head spin.

[mickey's bird]

It might be better to discuss it when you both had time to calm down and think about the situation. That works for me. I tend to withdraw when something is bothering me or I'm upset or hurt. My partner used to get upset because he feels like I put my walls up and go into my "own little world" and sees it as a rejection. I tend to do this so that I don't react in anger and say something I might regret (a few of my exes used to ask I thought about things before saying them). My partner now knows that once I am calm, I will discuss the situation with him (I just can't keep anything serious from him, it doesn't feel right) and has learn to accept it.

[roosie]

Thank you so much everyone! I think I really needed an outsider's view. It was good to take a little break: I've done a lot of thinking these past days and I feel a lot calmer now. Actually it's hard to remember why we started arguing in the first place.. It was good to put things into perspective.

Laura_N, great to have another Finn on here! There have been quite many actually but most of them are not so active anymore after closing the distance. Aren't we a happy bunch of people? Ouch, a Glaswegian accent.. I worked as an au pair in Edinburgh in summer 2009 and while I could still understand their accent, I had a really hard time trying to understand people from Glasgow or Aberdeen. So I definitely feel your pain! I like Scottish accent though, it just takes some time to adjust to it. I'm sure you will talk more next time when you feel more comfortable talking. I used to worry about making mistakes when talking to him but I got over it and he talked more slowly at first which helped a lot. Is it easier to understand her on Skype these days? Do you have plans meeting each other again?

A whole month without talking would be really hard but I understand your SO's reasons. I'm glad it benefited you. These days have definitely been good, I've realized that I really want to be with him and make it work. You're right, I should try to talk about things bothering me instead of withdrawing. It can really give the wrong impression and just make things a lot worse. You just gave a perfect example of Finnish modesty. You did help a lot so thank you!

uniquefem, that's true, the negativity does a lot of harm. There must be cultural differences between you too. My SO is half English, half Chinese and sometimes I feel like there's a big difference between the Scandinavian and Chinese way of thinking. It's nothing that you couldn't overcome though and makes things more interesting. Russia is our neighbouring country and I often meet Russians so I can understand that he might sometimes come across a bit harsh even though he means good. It's very common here! It's good to be clear and say if you don't understand. I try to chill out more and just take it day by day, thanks!

[roosie]

We don't have too bad of a language barrier (funny, him being American and me being British, we DO still have times when one of us is "O_O what now?!?!" ), but when I get upset I do what you do and lose the ability to talk- I get really overwhelmed with my feelings sometimes =/ When that happens we usually stop video chatting and switch to IM instead. I can take my time to type my answer and feelings out, and don't feel as much pressure. This strategy has helped us a lot when there's been problems.

It can be quite bad even between the English-speaking countries! My SO has many English-speaking friends who live in Hong Kong and every time we meet them there are people talking in British, Canadian, New Zealand etc. accents and I'm always like: "O_O an accent overload! I have no idea what's going on so I'm just pretending to understand.." Have you picked up any American English words?

Indeed, that's exactly how I feel sometimes: just very overwhelmed with all the feelings. It's like a wave that hits you and suddenly pushes you to the bottom and for a moment you are just too overwhelmed to do anything. That's a good strategy! At those times it would be easier to type so maybe we should switch to IM as well. My SO prefers talking on Skype when having problems because it's easy to come across wrong when only typing but I'm sure he would understand..

Moon, well there are some few exceptions. Seriously speaking I think we have started opening up more. The culture seems to be slowly changing for the better. I think I'm also quite talkative but I can be a bit shy at first so maybe that's the impression that foreigns get when meeting people here for the first time. Most people here are very good at English. We mainly study British English at school (for example we are taught the British versions of words like neighbour instead of neighbor, colour instead of color etc.) but we have more American programs and movies on TV. It really has a surprisingly big impact because everything is subtitled so we hear the American English all the time. I find it easier to understand as well, it's more similar and more common.

You are right about the differences leading to many misunderstandings. We truly have a multicultural relationship because he is English - Irish - Chinese and has lived in England, Australia and Hong Kong.. You can imagine that it's pain sometimes! Then again, it's very rewarding too.

I think that's best at the moment, try to keep it light and slowly build the trust again. The hurt has died a lot but I'm sure we could slip back if we started talking about the same topics again. I think we should wait until we see each other on Saturday and then start talking about the issues a little at a time. It really is better to work on one issue at a time, it's just too much to try to solve everything at once. I also think we should concentrate on the positive things now, after dwelling on bads things for so long. We need some fun for change. Thank you again, I appreciate your help.

[roosie]

It might be better to discuss it when you both had time to calm down and think about the situation. That works for me. I tend to withdraw when something is bothering me or I'm upset or hurt. My partner used to get upset because he feels like I put my walls up and go into my "own little world" and sees it as a rejection. I tend to do this so that I don't react in anger and say something I might regret (a few of my exes used to ask I thought about things before saying them). My partner now knows that once I am calm, I will discuss the situation with him (I just can't keep anything serious from him, it doesn't feel right) and has learn to accept it.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do. You really need some time to calm down before you can see things from the other's point of view. My SO does the same, he feels rejected and gets upset. It's hard to explain the reaction to someone who has a very different way of handling things. It's not good to say things you might regret later but unfortunately the silent treatment is not much better either.. A few times I've told my SO that I need a moment to calm down and come down some time later, feeling better and able to talk about it. I should really use that more often because there's no point trying to talk when you just can't. It's great that your SO has learn to accept it and knows that you are not intentionally doing it to hurt him.

[milaya]

I'm glad the break seemed to help.

I would be lying if I said my SO and I don't experience communication issues. The Asian way of thinking and the European way of thinking is very different, and then also have to add the language part. I understand Japanese, but I don't understand everything and I'm not a native.
Sometimes I understand the words, but not the actual intended meaning - because our ways of thinking are totally different.
Then Japanese (and probably also Chinese) has so many things they don't say.
We even had a fight two days ago, where I got extremely annoyed with the fact that Japanese people smile and laugh even when they're angry.

We also experienced a time, when it seemed like we did nothing but fight when we talked on skype. At that time we were going through our longest period of not seeing each other (we were used to 5-6 weeks - but then we had to get through 16 weeks). The arguing and fighting got to the point we talked about relationship breaks and at one time we even talked about fully breaking up. Like you, we decided to take a few days break from talking, then we resumed contact through e-mail instead, where we tried to explain our own feelings and what was going on.

I really remember crying a lot in those 16 weeks. But, we got through it. Still we do have the occasional periods where we our skype talks quickly turn negative and then we often resort to short periods of only e-mail, since it seems easier to convey one's feelings in writing where you really have the chance to think things through.

One thing we have tried to clear up recently is that, our arguments have often started with him trying to give me some sort of advice, which I didn't ask for. And due to our different personalities, culture and even gender those advices only made me annoyed. Think after a recent argument he finally understood that there's a difference between "statements/complaints" and "advice seeking". I mean when I said something like "I feel so stressed and I hate my university assignment" I just want him to agree that my life is hard and unbearable (*insert irony here* or *just regular drama queen voice*) I do not need him to give me advices on how to study better and etc. Think we both realized that difference in thinking after having argued/fought about it for .... months.

[mickey's bird]

Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do. You really need some time to calm down before you can see things from the other's point of view. My SO does the same, he feels rejected and gets upset. It's hard to explain the reaction to someone who has a very different way of handling things. It's not good to say things you might regret later but unfortunately the silent treatment is not much better either.. A few times I've told my SO that I need a moment to calm down and come down some time later, feeling better and able to talk about it. I should really use that more often because there's no point trying to talk when you just can't. It's great that your SO has learn to accept it and knows that you are not intentionally doing it to hurt him.

As your SO feels the same way my SO used to, you can always let him know that some things are bothering you and just reassure him that you will discuss it with him once you have things sorted out in your head.

[Tortus]

I don't know if this is an idea of any merit whatsoever, but if you can't say the things you want to, can you type them? As in, maybe when it happens you could send him a text or email saying the things you can't speak. Maybe that would clear up some misunderstandings and help him to feel less cut-off/out-of-the-loop.

[uniquefem]

I'm glad the break seemed to help.

I would be lying if I said my SO and I don't experience communication issues. The Asian way of thinking and the European way of thinking is very different, and then also have to add the language part. I understand Japanese, but I don't understand everything and I'm not a native.
Sometimes I understand the words, but not the actual intended meaning - because our ways of thinking are totally different.
Then Japanese (and probably also Chinese) has so many things they don't say.
We even had a fight two days ago, where I got extremely annoyed with the fact that Japanese people smile and laugh even when they're angry.

We also experienced a time, when it seemed like we did nothing but fight when we talked on skype. At that time we were going through our longest period of not seeing each other (we were used to 5-6 weeks - but then we had to get through 16 weeks). The arguing and fighting got to the point we talked about relationship breaks and at one time we even talked about fully breaking up. Like you, we decided to take a few days break from talking, then we resumed contact through e-mail instead, where we tried to explain our own feelings and what was going on.

I really remember crying a lot in those 16 weeks. But, we got through it. Still we do have the occasional periods where we our skype talks quickly turn negative and then we often resort to short periods of only e-mail, since it seems easier to convey one's feelings in writing where you really have the chance to think things through.

One thing we have tried to clear up recently is that, our arguments have often started with him trying to give me some sort of advice, which I didn't ask for. And due to our different personalities, culture and even gender those advices only made me annoyed. Think after a recent argument he finally understood that there's a difference between "statements/complaints" and "advice seeking". I mean when I said something like "I feel so stressed and I hate my university assignment" I just want him to agree that my life is hard and unbearable (*insert irony here* or *just regular drama queen voice*) I do not need him to give me advices on how to study better and etc. Think we both realized that difference in thinking after having argued/fought about it for .... months.

hahah agree with this culture things!! also i had to get rid the negative thoughts as always... had to remember he is not native english speaker... so sometimes he use a word that not suppose to be use when you talk to ur gf.

Example once he actually joking and say "you are using me" while we walking one fine afternoon when i hold his hand, i want so mad!! because he didnt say anything before its just go out just like that!! when i was about to cry and so angry because he say so. He hugs me and say sorry, he say that actually because whenever i took our picture i will hug him or turn his face or do things to him LoL thats what he meant by using him (..errh more to sexual things also hahaha) but i didn't get it!! i thought he was saying that because i spent his money and he feel i am using him for getting things/shopping etc!! so yah.. its very different!

Also sometimes i just want him to listen, not asking him for advise or anything just be there and listen but *sigh* man don't listen of course!

[Laura_N]

Laura_N, great to have another Finn on here! There have been quite many actually but most of them are not so active anymore after closing the distance. Aren't we a happy bunch of people? Ouch, a Glaswegian accent.. I worked as an au pair in Edinburgh in summer 2009 and while I could still understand their accent, I had a really hard time trying to understand people from Glasgow or Aberdeen. So I definitely feel your pain! I like Scottish accent though, it just takes some time to adjust to it. I'm sure you will talk more next time when you feel more comfortable talking. I used to worry about making mistakes when talking to him but I got over it and he talked more slowly at first which helped a lot. Is it easier to understand her on Skype these days? Do you have plans meeting each other again?

A whole month without talking would be really hard but I understand your SO's reasons. I'm glad it benefited you. These days have definitely been good, I've realized that I really want to be with him and make it work. You're right, I should try to talk about things bothering me instead of withdrawing. It can really give the wrong impression and just make things a lot worse. You just gave a perfect example of Finnish modesty. You did help a lot so thank you!

Oh, isn't Edinburgh just absolutely gorgeous? I loved it there! I was there for three weeks in 2009 and visited Edinburgh this summer as well, and on the same trip I met my SO. Anyways, yes, I love the accent as well. I was completely in love with it and Scotland before I even got to know my SO, so it's such a happy thing she is from there as my dream of moving there and studying there feels now even more possible than before. I do understand most of what she says, I just need it repeated a few times, heh. It's easier to understand her on Skype nowadays, altough when she talks about her job and uses all these fancy terms I'm not familiar with I usually just let her speak without interrupting her to ask her to come again. She's tried to explain some of her work vocabulary to me but uh, as if I remember... We are probably meeting each other in either October or December. Can't wait!

And it was glad to help! And happy to hear that things seem better to you now.

You also mentioned in some other posts that your SO is also partly Chinese... My SO's parents are from India and Pakistan so she speaks also three other languages PLUS English. Gosh! I have heard her speaking punjabi a few times. But I still find it a bit overwhelming sometimes, as for example I know her parents and family are very strict and they would probably never get to know me. She has asked me a few times if it's alright that her family doesn't know about her sexuality but it's not really something I can decide, and fine with me. She's also a muslim (from what I have understood not a very passionate one, questioning her beliefs), but very open minded though so that sort of culture issues has never been that much of a problem to us. We have always been able to talk about our views openly. I'm not an atheist but I don't believe in gods or spirits or such, and you'd think that could create a problem between a believer and non-believer... But so far so good, and we have only talked about religion when we've been interested in hearing each other's opinions. Hehe.

And this is a really really small "problem", but sometimes I use words she's not familiar with... Like chips. I say chips, she thinks I mean french fries when she means crisps. In fact I do mean crisps too, but I'm just using the "wrong" word! British English vs. American English again, heh. And just yesterday I was talking about getting a new carpet and she got confused with it and asked me if I meant a rug. Yes, I did... Luckily there's not been a bad misunderstanding with this, as these are just minor things.

[Tobby]

Me and my SO are both Filipino and can both speak our native language, however, spending most of my life in California only speaking English has broken my Tagalog quite a bit. She can understand a bit of English and she's also learning it in school, I'm limited to what i can say in Tagalog and its really annoying because i can't say what i really want to say! and i get embarassed whenever i speak english around her, haha i dont know why. I'm starting to pick up bits and pieces of my Tagalog again.

As for advice. . . i honestly think you should talk to your SO about this problem. i can almost guarantee that once you do you guys will take it easier on each other when struggling with communicating. Hope you guys work it out soon together. just hang in there, overcome these obstacles TOGETHER.