The cycle of the LDR over the long term

[blankita719]

As you can see according to the ticker below, my SO and I have been together for 13 months. Since I'm posting this in the main forum and we have lots of new people ( ) who don't know my back story, my SO and I have know each other for almost 15 years, and were previously involved in a LDR when we first met for under a year. In reality, I've loved this man for all of my adult life.

I know we all have our days where the distance seems too much and we struggle, but I seem to be having more and more of these types of days. I get frustrated and he doesn't seem to always understand exactly why I am so upset. We had a long talk on our anniversary regarding the distance, wherein I told him that I did not want to be in a LDR for multiple years. He initially took this to mean I wanted to end things, but I have clarified that I want to be with him, and not long distance for years on end. So he said he would do whatever it took to make this relationship work. But he won't move here and I can't move at this time. I can't sell my house for a few more years, and for other reasons as well.

Needless to say, the closing the distance portion of our relationship needs a lot of work. And we got into yet another discussion/argument over this topic the other night. I'm not sure emotionally I can hold on for years and years of this. But what I am really hoping is that this is just a cycle. I mean, we've managed to make it over a year now. We see each other roughly every 3 months, which is never quite enough but I know it is more than some people get to see their SO's. Is this just a bump in the road that we can get past?

For those of you in long term LDR's - do you have phases like this? Do you go back and forth between hopeful and happy that you're with the one you love and then downward spiral into being upset? I want to be with him and spend the rest of our lives together & I don't want the distance to be our downfall. Do you all go through the same cycles?

[meg]

Most definitely. I've only been with my SO for 7 months, but until recently I was feeling depressed, down, and at a loss. We had our first visit last week, and I'm back to feeling elated, but I know I'll be back to feeling lonely and desperate at some point, because of the distance.
You're gonna look back when you've closed the distance and it's all gonna be worth it. Every minute and every mile.

[Dziubka]

I know this so well. It will be two years for us in November, and we've been long distance for most of that, save for 2,5 months in the very beginning.
It looks like we won't be able to close the distance for another 2.5yrs. He's going to move closer to me in April (400 instead of 900km) but we're still going to be long distance.

I definitely have my moments, where I really don't know how much longer I can do this. Always be on the lookout for the cheapest ticket, live in a crappy dorm apartment so I can afford all the travelling, seeing him only every few weeks (granted we see each other a lot more than most of the people here, but it's still not enough for me), going to parties alone, relying on technology for communication, living out of my suitcase for weeks at a time. There's times when I'm so so sick of it all.
I've caught myself wondering if maybe I wouldn't be happier with someone less ideal than my boyfriend, but someone who lives closer and is actually present most of the time. I firmly believe that we're all compatible with a lot of people, that there is no 'The One' - I'm quite convinced that I could be reasonably happy with a lot of guys. I've considered giving up on my education and job to be with him. But they're not really valid solutions. I want to be with my boyfriend, at this very moment I don't want anybody else and even though I know I could theoretically be happy with someone else, practically I wouldn't because I love my boyfriend. But I'm not moving away from my job either.

I guess what I want to say is:
I don't think we really have a choice. You're not sure you can go on like that for years, but closing the distance is not an option for you either. So the only option that's left is breaking up... Would that make you happier? Would it be easier emotionally? For myself I can say for sure that it wouldn't.
It's probably this you don't know how strong you are, until being strong is the only option you have-thing.

[Sora1101]

I have definitely noticed a cycle, some days I just have to sit home and cry my eyes out because I miss him, and I have only seen him once in the 2 years we've been together and it's heartbreaking, and then other days I see how absolutely lucky I am to have such a wonderful guy waiting for me, I have days where I feel as though I can't stand the distance for even a moment longer and then I worry about closing the distance, I worry that things will go wrong and I'll have wasted 3 years of my life with him, all I can say is have hope, just don't give up and keep trying, things will work out if they're meant to be.

[Moon]

I agree 100% with Dziubka. We've been together a bit over two years, and are looking at a couple more, there's nothing we can do about it right now. What I ask myself is "am I happier with him far away, or without him at all?" The answer is always, always with him. At 41, I've never met anyone I was more compatible with, or anyone I trusted so completely, or made me nearly as happy as he does, so it's an easy answer. The older you get, the more you can truly appreciate how rarely these kind of relationships come along, and while the distance makes it less perfect than it could be, it's really, really good.

If you've loved this guy your whole adult life, don't let something like distance ruin it for you. Distance sucks hard, but instead of thinking about how long it'll take to close, I don't worry about it, it'll happen eventually and he's worth the patience. I really do just take it one day at a time, as cliche as it is, and try not to think about it too hard.

There are some advantages, and often I'll focus on those. Because we rely on technology, we have to actually TALK to each other There's no zoning out in front of the TV, or computer, or whatever, so I think our communication is better than a CD relationship. Seeing each other after a while guarantees a certain amount of joy and excitement you don't get in CD's (not to mention the phenomenal sex ). There are some more, but you get the idea I just try focusing on the positives of it, even though that can be harder at times. Lonely is lonely afterall, you can't spin it much

[blankita719]

I appreciate the input

I guess what spurned this is a friend of mine telling me if we didn't have a definite plan for one of us to move to the other, then she thought we might as well not even be in a relationship. I know it's ridiculous to think that way, but it just hit that tiny part of me that doubts. We have distinctly different ideal locations and my biggest fear is that we won't be able to decide how to end it. Even a semblance of a plan might help me feel better but right now, it is a struggle.

I don't want to give up on us - even being almost 1500 miles apart, this relationship is the best I've ever had and he does make me happy. And at 33 years old, I can definitely appreciate the rarity of our compatibility. Just in that bad place right now & hoping it gets over quickly...

[Dziubka]

What your friend says may be true for her, but it doesn't have to apply to everyone. People have very different expectations when it comes to relationships.

We were close distance in the beginning and I agreed to the long distance thing under the condition that we see each other at least once a month. I'm not cut out for long distance relationships at all. Relationships that would make others feel suffocated are just fine for me. My ex and I lived together on 20m² most of the time, we were together all the time when we didn't have class or work and I was very happy with that (we didn't work out for a number of reasons, but our living situation wasn't one of them).
I give up on a lot so we can regularly see each other and I can't imagine it any other way. I'd rather live in a crappy apartment to save on rent, work a shit job with impossible hours and bad pay and live off pasta&pesto, than see my boyfriend less. I couldn't do what a lot of people on here to and only see my boyfriend once or twice a year for a week or two. It does not mean they're stronger or I'm weaker or that their or my relationship is better or worse. It's all about different expectations and needs. I wouldn't be happy in a situation like that. I'd probably be happier with someone less perfect but close.

It's very important to remind yourself that sometimes. One of my best friends has been with her boyfriend for more than half a year and they have only been on two dates. She isn't thrilled about it, but it's alright for her. I don't understand how she doesn't mind, I would have made it very clear that it was not what I expected. On the other hand, I have absolutely no problem with my boyfriend going out, drinking (smoking as long as I'm not around) or having female friends. There are probably people who wouldn't accept that. But I would never reconsider my relationship just because one of my friends didn't wasn't ok with her boyfriend partying and didn't understand how it can be fine with me.

[Lina]

I can totally relate to this. Our LDR will most likely be LD for another 4 years or 5, cause of college. Usually I am the one who goes from high peaks of hope and happiness to the dark zone of "Will I be able to do this for so long?...". I love him, I want to be with him, but sometimes the distance, the lack of everything which comes in a CDR makes me feel like a loner. However, it's only on me to pull myself together and remind myself to have patience because it will be worthy it, and he's always there for me when I get into melancholic/frustrated states of mind. He encourages me and, just like your SO, he promises to do whatever he can for us to be together in the end of it all.

[Mara]

We've been together for 2 years, but just long distance for about a year.

I definitely have moments where I wonder if I can do this. If I'm strong enough, if I can last through years of this, if we can ever seem to converge to the same place...basically, there are a lot of ifs. But thankfully, we don't live in if land.

My motto and my general outlook on the distance is this: I will do this for as long as I possibly can because I love him. The day might come where I can't do this anymore. It's a scary possibility, but it's only a possibility. The day might never come and I hope that it doesn't. If it does, I will do what I have to do in that day and time, but I refuse to worry and stress myself about something that may never happen.

I just hold on to the good things. The visits, the communication, seeing his face on webcam, the unexpected things in the mail...

Trouble doesn't last forever and in the end, all of this will be worth.

[krabuzh]

Yes, I do have the same cycle like yours during my one year relationship with my SO.
Maybe, one year cannot be categorized as a long term, but still a year is long enough according to me.
From what I saw, my SO sometime could act very happily and then start to talk about something which made me put high hope in our relationship.
But then when we chatted again, he suddenly would be cautious and seems to pull himself away from me.
From our serious and hard talk about our relationship, it always ended by him saying that he was sorry for making me putting a high hope since we never met and we won't know what will happen in the future.
And if someone between us met with other person we like before we met then we will try it out (not me, but him who said that since I will always faithful to him).

This kind of talk already happened 4 times and always with the same issue. Started from last November 2010 and our latest talk was in last June 2011.
But still, his attitude sometime will give me somekind of hope and then he will pull himself back again.
Always like that till now. I was hurt deeply but then now I started to feel tired with all of this though I don't want our relationship to end.
I love him way too much and will always love him no matter what happened.

And I actually plan to move to Germany on 2013 or 2014 if everything goes smoothly.
But then again, it has to be discussed first with him. ^o^

[Tanja]

We were LD for nearly 3 years before closing the distance. I can tell you that I went through a hell of a cycle of emotions during that time! There were months when I thought we will never ever be together and months when I didn't worry about a thing and was just plain happy that I had such an amazing man in my life.

I know a year seems a really long time but I don't think you should let it get to you too much just yet. It's going to take time to plan things and to get ready to close the distance. If the circumstances don't allow it yet then there's not much you can do about it. Why worry and stress about something that's out of your hands?

Also, pay NO attention to anything your friend says. One of my friends (and this was after Andy had been here 4-5 times) suggested that I give some guy my phone number cause according to her I was still single. Some people just don't get it and when they don't you shouldn't take any advice from them. On LFAD there are people who have gone through LDRs, have closed the distance or broke up and we KNOW what it's like. We understand.

That is why I'm asking you to relax and try to take it one day at a time like Moon said. If you're constantly focusing on the negative you will never be happy. Trust me, I know. What is important is that you've found someone you want to share your life with, who you love and who loves you. The distance does not change that. It will only delay your chance to live together but it won't last forever. I believe that when there's a will, there's a way. It is going to be hard and you can either dwell on the fact that you're still LD or be grateful and happy for what you have.

Cheer up

[bluishskin]

Well blankita you're definitely not alone in this situation. After reading the replies above I can see that this cycle can most likely happen to anybody who's in LDR. That includes me. A few days ago I was just so frustrated because I found out that I had to wait longer than planned to finally close the distance and get married. Knowing that, I instantly started to be in doubt whether I'm strong enough to wait for, let's say, at least another year or even more than that. I posted what happened here, just in case you're interested in reading it: https://members.lovingfromadistance....Family-Meeting
So like it or not, I'm just going to have to go with the flow, be stronger and do the best I can to make things work. Sometimes I do wonder whether all this LDR thing is right. But even if I choose to break up and go on CDR with someone else, there is no guarantee that things wouldl be easier and I'd be happier. Despite the obstacles (and how sucks the distance is), I feel so compatible with my SO and both of us are still on the same track anyway.

I want to be with my boyfriend, at this very moment I don't want anybody else and even though I know I could theoretically be happy with someone else, practically I wouldn't because I love my boyfriend.

The same thing applies to me too.

[GatoGirl]

Amen to all. After doing this long-distance rumba for almost 18 years, I can say that yes, you go through cycles and also, strange as it may seem, it gets easier over time. We forget when we are in the middle of trouble in our LDR that folks who are in the same house also have times of stress and trouble in their relationships. It could be that this is simply one of those times for you guys, distance or no distance.

I also agree to completely ignore your friend. In the research for my dissertation, about LDRs--no surprise--there was a study [Bergen, 2006] that found that the LDR women interviewed categorized family and friends into 5 groups:
1. Those who understood the LDR with no explanation
2. Those who didn't understand at first but did so with an explanation
3. Those who understood over time
4. Those who did not understand, but the commuter didn't feel they merited an explanation
5. Those who were never going to understand.
And guess who the folks were in the #5 group??? Overwhelmingly friends and family. So mentally put your friend in the #5 group and sally forth living your relationship. I know, easier said than done.

[Xanahtas]

ive been with my SO almost a year now, and we have had times like this, but we sorted it out with help from both our parents helping us plan things out with us. We often have these sorta days but in the end it makes us stronger Luckily our distance is ending in about 8 or 9 months (if all goes to plan!)

[Yaaamiii]

We all go through it. I currently am going through it actually. We're about to reopen the closed distance for about 3 years. We were LD for a year, CD for a year, and now we will be LD for 3 years straight (assuming all goes as planned). My worst fear is that we will be long distance for more than that because sometimes things don't always work out as planned. That kind of thought scares me, especially because I too do not want to be in a LD relationship for years and years. I want it to end sooner rather than later. I don't want to be LD for 3 years...thinking about it right now, 3 years seems like an awfully long time. But I would rather be LD with him still in my life than not have him in my life at all.