When to close the distance?

[KDarga]

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 11 years and have been fairly close friends over that time. His father passed away in November and we started dating in January. The timing wasn't ideal, but we both felt like we were aware of the circumstances surrounding us both and were ready to try to date. We've been dating since January and I moved from nyc to a small town/his hometown for a month. This month has been difficult and we agree that it was one sided (his hometown, his friends, his family, his house). It's been tough for us to find a balance and now I am leaving to go back to nyc. We want to be close to each other, but he also feels his responsibilities are at home helping his mother acclimate. I realized that I am ready to leave the city and wanted to be able to move with him instead of moving somewhere and then hoping he will go there later. I don't know when he will be ready to leave and am trying to find the patience to wait. How have some of you gotten through hurdles like this? Where did you find the strength to be patient?

Thank you -
K

[mickey's bird]

My SO and I had originally planned to close the distance in the Fall. However, due to circumstances beyond our control that is not an option anymore and I don't know when we will (if ever). I was tempted to end things (I'm impulsive and tend to act first and think later) but then I realized that I love him enough to wait and we both still make an effort in our long distance relationship. You need to decide on if you are willing to wait and for how long and discuss how you feel with him. If you both decide to wait, you both have to figure out a way to keep the relationship going and make an effort.

[KDarga]

Thank you for your response - I am so happy I found the forum today. It's been difficult anticipating my return to nyc for a number of reasons. I am ready to move on from the hectic life I have there, but didn't even know it until I left the city for a month. I am also ready to be closer to my SO. I think the hardest thing I am coming to terms with is being ready to leave the life I have - hoping that he would also be on my timeline. Now that I am unsure if he is, I am trying to decide if I should start looking for jobs so I can continue to be inspired with my life and pleased with my current job, location and hope when he is ready, then he will join me there. At this point we wanted to give him the opportunity to focus on his career and then I would try to move with my current job remote or begin looking for a new one. I am ready now to move within the next 6 months with or without him and am considering looking into it without him involved since he isn't ready to leave his mom. I don't want him to think I am not supporting him, but I need to know that our life together is also important to him.

Like you, I am impulsive, and am tempted to end things when I am tired of waiting for our lives to run parallel, but I know he is worth every moment I bite my tongue... and every moment I decide to continue to stay long distance.

---------- Post added at 03:36 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:36 PM ----------

Thank you for your response - I am so happy I found the forum today. It's been difficult anticipating my return to nyc for a number of reasons. I am ready to move on from the hectic life I have there, but didn't even know it until I left the city for a month. I am also ready to be closer to my SO. I think the hardest thing I am coming to terms with is being ready to leave the life I have - hoping that he would also be on my timeline. Now that I am unsure if he is, I am trying to decide if I should start looking for jobs so I can continue to be inspired with my life and pleased with my current job, location and hope when he is ready, then he will join me there. At this point we wanted to give him the opportunity to focus on his career and then I would try to move with my current job remote or begin looking for a new one. I am ready now to move within the next 6 months with or without him and am considering looking into it without him involved since he isn't ready to leave his mom. I don't want him to think I am not supporting him, but I need to know that our life together is also important to him.

Like you, I am impulsive, and am tempted to end things when I am tired of waiting for our lives to run parallel, but I know he is worth every moment I bite my tongue... and every moment I decide to continue to stay long distance.

[mickey's bird]

You can't plan for everything. I learned that hard way and am still learning. Right now I would suggest you focus on yourself and do what you need to do but still make time for your SO and communicate how you feel. Just be careful that you don't come off as pushy and don't put your life on hold because it would lead to you both resenting each other. If it's meant to be, everything will would out in the end.

[Zephii]

You didn't say where your family/friends are, so I'm not sure if that's relivant. I'm also wondering if your one month stay was supposed to be perminant and didn't work out or if it was a visit. I could be more useful if I knew these details. I don't know these things so I'll do a bit of assuming instead, I apologise in advance if I'm way off the mark.

I would say that you should move semi-perminatly to his home town for a while, like a year or so. Nothing huge, but nothing so short that you don't get time to really settle in. I know you said being there was one sided, and trust me I know how that feels (I moved countries for my guy, will have been here a year and 8 months when I leave) but really... it doesn't make any sence at all for you to both move away from the people you care about - especially if they need him. I get that it puts you on equal ground or whatever, but it's still unfathomable to me. Family and friends are important. And having those people there, from his side or yours it doesnt matter, is good. It is good to have people to fall back on, people to visit for holidays, people to share your lives with. Why can't his friends also become your friends? etc

Talk to him. Tell him your ready for things to step forward and draft a plan together. Why not agree to live in his town for a year then move to <some place you both agree on>? Give him a time frame for when you want things to happen roughly over say.. 5 years. If he wont make a plan with you, make a few different plans by yourself and then present them to him, ask for his opinion, see how involved he wants to be and take it from there.

Relationships only work with compromise and sometimes huge freaking sacrifices. Sometimes we do things we don't enjoy because we love that other person.

I haven't been in the situation where a partner's parent has died, but I have been in the situation where my SO wasn't really ready for the next step (it's happened a few times) and I'm not great at being patient either. What I did both times was realistically outline all the possible options, and I spoke to him about it. I told him what options I liked best, what options were the most practical, which ones would cost more or less, all the pros and cons. And I gave him time to think about each before I bought it up again. (I'd have waited two weeks, because two weeks is a nice number, but both times he approached me almost immediately). Sometimes people need help making big decisions like that, and having all the research already done takes some of the pressure away. In each "option" I also made sure to outline the things we were bargining with - ie, what I was willing to give up in exchange for what I'd be getting.

A huge part of relationships is hammering out details contract style - that's what marriage is after all, a contract.

Hope that was somewhat useful