What am I doing?

[hmd2010]

I'm a human being who is hurting, just like you. Thank you for the apology.

Michelle, thank you for that link, I am checking it out right now. And Garnet, yes, it's true, you would be surprised at how many people are involved in alternative relationships. My husband and I are not swingers, he has no interest in an outside relationship. He has a very low to non-existent libido. I'm his opposite, and I'm primarily sexually attracted to women. This works for a lot of people, I just don't know how it works when you add in the long distant relationship factor, which is why I came here for advice. Thank you all, who've offered advice.

[Veiled_Dreamer]

Hmm. I guess your best bet is to treat you and your girlfriend's relationship like any other relationship on this site and maintain it like any other LDR. If your husband knows about and is okay with your girlfriend, you could probably arrange a time where you went to visit her. If he wanted to come, why not? You could also leave the option of him staying home of course in case he's not comfortable with meeting his wife's girlfriend. I would be sure to clear a visit with the other one's husband, though. For example, if you visited your girlfriend, make sure her husband was okay with it, or if she came to visit, make sure your husband was okay with. If you two wanted to meet up you could also meet in the middle and meet somewhere that was equal distance from both of you. That way, you don't have to worry about any discomfort from being around your two lovers at once. I've never been in an open relationship, so I'm just guessing here, there may not be any discomfort. Which would be even better. ^_^

[hmd2010]

Thanks, VD. There's no issue between our husbands -- there is no need for our husbands to come with us or meet at all, nor do they have any interest. My issue lies mostly in the fact that we're so far apart and we, unlike the typical LDR, do not have plans on being "together" permanently ever. I see that I'm probably alone in my situation here, but I do appreciate the insight and advice.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

LOVE IS LOVE!! I don't think we should judge her for her choice of having an open relationship. All people involved are aware and have agreed to it. Personally I could never be in an open relationship like this, but to each it's own. They've chosen this, it works for them. She's here looking for support in the LD part of her relationship, we should be here for her!

In response to your questions hmd, if it's love its love. It will work out. This LDR is quite a bit more complicated. I believe for everyone here they hope to and believe they will one day be together. Be it a few months, a year, or a few years......they all look forward to the day were they can live with the SO. I can see how that wouldn't be quite possible for you two, living such separate life already. Can't be easy, but if it's meant to be it's meant to be and it will work out. I guess you could say this is another "Hope for the best, expect the worst." I wouldn't go into it saying, this is it, it will end after the meeting. But it should be something that you know is a possibility....you've acknowledged that it could possibly happen.....so I'd just keep it as that, try not to think about it, focus on your time together and enjoy it!!!

[Veiled_Dreamer]

Oh yeah, I kind of forgot the actual point of the thread. XD Ahem.

I guess if it makes you guys happy, and everyone here can say that LDRs can make people happy, how wrong can it be? I think the thing with people saying LDRs can't work if you never intend on meeting, etc, is that with a closed relationship, you are eventually looking for the security, permanence, and such, of being married and in the same household, which isn't really possible from a distance. With you two, however, you love each other from a distance, but you have the stability from your husbands (I think) so the issue is more of the lack of proximity. You can't kiss her, you can't hold her, you can't be near her. I think frequent visits maybe won't cut it after a while. Hmm. I guess if you were to move closer to each other, as is the case with most LDR couples, it would be both your and your husband's or her and her husband's decision. A joint decision, where the husband doesn't really gain anything in particular. >.> Hmm. I'm thinking in circles here, sorry I haven't helped much. =S Is there anyway one of your husbands would be willing to move, for the sake of making his wife very happy?

[Cathy]

Everyone deserves to have passion in their love life. A friend of mine was in a similar situation until she realized that she didn't really love the man she was driving 8 hours to see. She just loved their relationship, the idea of having this obstacle in the way of her love. Her marriage was boring and this was exciting. She didn't truly love this LDR man. She was just infatuated and wanted someone to have a dramatic romance with. I know very, very little about your relationship with this other woman but if I were you I'd just keep in mind how love wanes and waxes. The intensity that you feel towards her might not be the same if the possibility of a relationship becomes a reality. I don't think you should force yourself to make any decisions and just let things take their natural courses. You can't predict the future.

[braydens24]

i hate to be rude, but your problem is pretty obvious... everyone else has said it, but in a nicer way.

how can you possibly be married to a man, and also be in love with a woman at the same time, much less even one you've never met? how can you be in an open marriage at all, save the fact that you're cheating on him (don't kid yourself, it's cheating) with a long distance girlfriend? how can you be so inconsiderate to your husband and convince yourself that you can have it all, and deny the fact that you're completely discounting your husband's feelings for you? what do you think love is, cheap? easy? non-exclusive? i don't know who you think you're kidding.

sorry if that was rude, but you need to understand that you're causing these problems on your own. hopefully you understand now.

[Michelle]

i hate to be rude, but your problem is pretty obvious... everyone else has said it, but in a nicer way.

how can you possibly be married to a man, and also be in love with a woman at the same time, much less even one you've never met? how can you be in an open marriage at all, save the fact that you're cheating on him (don't kid yourself, it's cheating) with a long distance girlfriend? how can you be so inconsiderate to your husband and convince yourself that you can have it all, and deny the fact that you're completely discounting your husband's feelings for you? what do you think love is, cheap? easy? non-exclusive? i don't know who you think you're kidding.

sorry if that was rude, but you need to understand that you're causing these problems on your own. hopefully you understand now.

Honestly the judgmental posts have to stop. Cheating is going behind someone's back in a monogamous relationship. Her relationship is a polyamorous relationship and her husband is 100% fine with it. It is just another alternative kind of relationship.

Am I down with polyamory and ready to get another boyfriend? No, absolutely not, I believe in monogamy as well, but if a couple is comfortable with a polyamorous relationship and are happy with that arrangement then that's them and the way they want to live.

Everyone is welcome in this forum, and overly opinionated, demeaning, and hurtful comments are not welcome. You cannot force your values and beliefs on another person. Just because you do doesn't mean they are going to change their life.

[Tinyteef]

I don't get how some people could say this is cheating... Her husband is completely aware and says he is okay with it. It is not anyones place to say but his whether he actually feels betrayed by any of this and I think she has made it clear that he does not. I know some of the women/men here couldn't possibly grasp the concept of loving two beings or sharing their love with someone else but it just works for some people. I'm not saying I am any kind of expert, I've never felt this way though, so I am really just calling it as I see it and I'm sorry if I was to offend anyone.
I feel bad that someone can come here for advice and gets this attitude about her life style.
Like I said I have no knowledge on poly-amorous relationships but I am glad you found a website that could help you.
Any LDR is difficult and I hope it works out for you <3

[Rach321]

I have not felt this way either, but I hope that people's comments haven't left you feeling like you are not able to come to this site for support about your LDR. Perhaps we aren't the best to know how to manage multiple romantic relationships, but I do hope that we can help you with your relatiionship with your female lover. It's difficult to say what things will be like after you see her in person. I'm sure that everyone in an LDR who hasn't met their partner in person yet has similar concerns. If you love each other and have supportive husbands, I suppose it will have a way of working itself out. It probably will mean that it will be a long term LDR, but perhaps it's better that way so you can better keep those parts of your life separate from each other?

[MadMolly]

My boyfriend and I were/are open (now only semi open coz he lives here) and I have always been too afraid to mention it much because I feel like I'll be judged. What's the saying; "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all". Obviously if you are not the type to believe in open or polyamorous relationships then you shouldn't be forcing your opinion upon a person who is in one.

To the OP; I think the question here is, could you be happy with your LDR with this woman as it is now, completely based on the occasional visits? I think it IS still a viable relationship, and no doubt you will get a lot of joy out of it even if it will only be long distance. Why break up if its not the right time to? Just 'go with the flow' and enjoy it day by day.

[hmd2010]

Thank you all for the kind words and support. As for the naysayers, I understand you're just having knee-jerk reactions. I probably should of thought it through better, coming here and presenting myself this way. I was really hurting and I wanted advice from people I thought would understand. No one else really does.

I'll address it once again -- my husband is okay with this. He's always known I'm bisexual, but he knows I love him immensely. He really is the only man I've ever loved. And loving this girl has not diminished my love for him in the slightest, in fact, it has enhanced it. Since opening my marriage, I no longer feel resentment to him for being unsexual. I've gone 7 years in this marriage, having sex twice a year, and I've never cheated nor considered it. And as such, when I was thinking about doing this, I talked to him about it. If he wasn't okay with it, I wouldn't do it. I cannot go behind his back, I'm not that kind of person. But as I was saying, since I've been "with" this girl, it has made my marriage better by leaps and bounds. I have great love for two people. I never intended on this happening with her -- it came as a surprise to both of us. Neither of us were looking for a long-distance, online relationship. We started out just chatting about these kind of polyamorous relationships. She's a teacher, and a damn good one, and her passion is in helping others. Our chats grew to talk about our kids, and our lives, and somewhere along the way, we realized we had a connection. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love.

Again, thank you to all who have replied. When I typed this, I was determined to break up with her; I protect my heart fiercely, and I wanted to pre-empt heart break. She and I talked for an hour last night, and not about our relationship at all, but about thousands of different things, as we are wont to do. And I realized I don't want to end this. I understand I'll probably be heart broken in the end, and breaking up now can save some heart ache, but I guess I will deal with that when it comes. I've Memorial Day weekend with her, and I'm going to make the best of it and live like it won't end. And if/when it does, I'll deal. It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. I'll be better for loving her, despite the pain.

[Rach321]

Thanks for your explanation! I understand your situation differently now. Of course we can love multiple people, each in their own way. And it does make sense, that depending on the situation, you could feel a romantic love for more than one person. As long as there is honesty and acceptance on the part of everyone involved, who is anyone to judge? I'm just happy to see people satisfied in love!

I also understand your concern. I tend to be a hopeless romantic. I pursue love, even when my head is rationally telling me that I'll probably be hurt in the end. And I have been hurt, but I also wouldn't trade the hurt for the amazing experiences and love I've felt in my past relationships. Many of us are in relationships were there is no definite date as to when we will no longer be long distance. And I would say that the people who are happiest in their LDRs have found a way to appreciate the benefits that being long distance brings, so really an LRD doesn't have to be close distance in order for the people involved to really feel satisfied. In your case, it seems like it will always be long distance. It may last for a few more months or it could last for years and years. There is no way of knowing- part of the risk in falling in love, I suppose. It seems that you have found someone that you connect with, so hopefully you'll be able to maintain some type of relationship with her, even if it's not always in-person or even sexual. Try to remember that and don't focus too much on what will happen. Just enjoy what's happening right now.

[Zephii]

I'm not poly, but I have been in a very similar situation before, so I'll give this a shot!

Most people are firm in the belief that LDRs can not work forever - that the long distance part has to eventually come to an end. But I don't feel that this is necessarily true in your situation. You have your husband there with you and all the comforts people miss being long distance. Most people say they miss cuddling the most when their LDR lover is away, but theoretically, you get that from your husband, which would ease the ache. You have someone there with you to go to events with and share the day to day things with. So that driving need to have the other person there that most people in LDR's experience is probably lessened. (In my experience it was, but then I was much younger and believed I couldn't have a "real" relationship with my LDR lover)
I understand that she is meeting your sexual needs in a way your husband can not. So, I guess there are a couple of questions you need to ask yourself here:
Is cyber/webcam/phone sex enough to meet this need in you, or do you need someone who's there more often than not?
If the answer to that is yes, then are you prepared to meet the challenge of keeping LDR sex interesting?
Would you be content with visits that were several months apart?

You also need to consider the amount of time it takes to maintain a LDR - I know I found that needing to be online cut into a lot of the time I would have spent on other things. I guess I'm saying that it can be difficult to balance an LDR on top of everything else, without taking your time away from your husband and other commitments.
There's also the cost, which I can see would be an issue. Visits are expensive. I guess that's something to discuss with your husband, how much of the family's funds could you dedicate to your LDR? How often would it be appropreate to visit?

I don't see why you can't just make this work as it does now... but it all depends on what you need
Hopw some of this ramble helped!

[hmd2010]

Thank you Rachel and Zephii! And to all who have contributed valuable thoughts, advice, and support.

As for the dynamics of seeing each other, I don't know how that will work out. We will be seeing each other next month for Memorial Day weekend, and after that, who knows when. Obviously, we're never going to live close together. She's NYC born and bred and is never leaving. I'm in the Midwest, in my husbands home state, and he's never leaving. It will remain a LDR.