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**kiara_silver** · August 28, 2011, 10:05 PM

Sometimes i think guys just don't relize that things like this upset us. Im sure your SO is just being honest and open and doesn't think much of it. My SO says he doesn't relize when he gets flirted with so we don't have this problem, and i never talk to guys, im pretty shy to so he doesn't have anything to worry about. But before in the past I had asked my SO (this was early in our relationship) what kind of girl he finds attractive, and instead of describing or giving me a pic of a celebbrity or something he gives me tons of pics of girl he knows in real life or his online friends, lol and in my mind im like play cool and act like it doesn't bug you. He must of felt guilty cause the last pic was me and he said really turns him on. And the next day he apologized. lol and again given this was early in our relationship we were still learning and growing our feelings. But just i don't think guys are as emotional as us girls with this kind of thing and realize that things like this affect us. Plus i rather my own opinion have my guy open and honest like if he were to get flirted with rather than not know about it. Thats how i would feel, but if it really bothers you let your SO know, i always feel communication is key in any relationship, no matter how small or petty the issue.

**LeilaniJoi** · August 28, 2011, 11:17 PM

I'm reminded of my 19 year old soon that thinks every woman that looks at him is flirting with him. I would wonder about a 40 year old that made this kind if claim =) is this some thing new for him? Could he be hitting a mid life crisis and trying to build his self esteem up?

Even my boyfriend who is 26 laughed at my son for hid claims. It simply does not happen that often that it is actually flirting. With my son a store clerk could smile at him and sat thank you and he considered it flirting lol

**Miramaid** · August 29, 2011, 01:05 AM

My SO did that couple of times. It bothers me too. I replied "Of course they flirt coz you are so cute!" and "I wouldn't be with you if you were not attractive". But one time I remember I did get upset and he took it as if I was jealous and possessive and should have been happy that someone liked the way he looked instead of making him feel bad about it. I was not upset with him but with that other person because it was done right in front of me and I thought it was disrespectful.

You can not do anything about other people flirting with him. You can only laugh it out with him. I would may be even suggest dropping something "Oh I do not even care if men talk to me any more. Women eventually get so used to it so they do not even notice" which is true. No need to tell him that no one ever flirts with you and that you always with kids etc. It will only boost his ego and will make you look weak and jealous. I am sure you are a beautiful woman or else he would not like you. IF he liked you then I am sure many other men would too so it is stupid of him to assume otherwise.
You may even ask him "Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to make me jealous? It doesn't work because I know how sexy (good looking, handsome, great etc) you are or else I would not be with you"

P.S. I am not an expert in relationship advise

**mllebamako** · August 29, 2011, 10:53 AM

Well...I sometimes do this to my SO. I'll tell him when a guy hits on me if it's a funny story. It's not to brag or make him jealous, just a funny story.

I think you should just tell your SO. He probably doesn't realize that it hurts your feelings. Don't make it a huge deal, just next time he says that someone flirted with him, let him know that you'd rather not hear about that because it hurts your feelings or makes you jealous.

**kteire** · August 29, 2011, 11:54 AM

My SO and I talk about that stuff a lot, I don't personally get jealous unless it's someone who knows that he has a girlfriend. I find it flattering knowing that people find my SO attractive and charming, and he does for me too. If it's not entertaining, I don't bother telling him, and if he doesn't notice (which happens a lot, lol, he's been hit on so many times when we were together, and was completely oblivious) he doesn't mention it! But we both find it funny. Some stories I'm so glad I have someone to tell, because they're hilarious (like thinking I was getting hit on by a personal trainer, and then it turned out he was only checking me out to try to sell me a personal training plan haha)
If he's telling you about just everyday stories about women hitting on him, I almost wonder if he's a bit insecure about himself and wanting to show you that people find him desirable. I'd imagine he doesn't know it makes you jealous, or has any idea of how you feel about it. You should tell him how it makes you feel, really!

**Zephii** · August 29, 2011, 12:18 PM

My So and I tell each other when it happens. Though usually he doesn't realise

I used to do it to make him jealous because I wanted him to fight a bit harder for me. I didn't want him to think he was my only option. And I wanted to make him feel the way I felt, because he'd been telling me about these things in his life.
Now I tell him because I'm just honest. Sometimes I stay friends with people who flirt with me, and I don't want anything cropping up later. Everything is always on the table between us.

With that said, it's a lot different from my ex. He was a creepy old pedophile (no I'm serious, he was) and he thought people were flirting with him when often it wasn't even close. He was mostly wishful thinking. And he would brag to me about these people. I think he was tring to convince me that he was a real catch or something.

Use your instincts. If something feels off it probably is. Or if you just don't want to hear about it, tell him to keep it to himself.

**nurseliberty** · August 29, 2011, 04:01 PM

Thanks so much for all your replies. I really appreciate it.

WHen he first told me of someone flirting, I thought it was weird. My first instinct was "Why would he tell me about how horrible this woman was, yet then tell me she was trying so hard to flirt with him"? It doesn't make me jealous, per se. I trust him. He's been cheated on many times, and I was cheated on by my husband. I took a long, long time after my ex husband to be by myself, work through my issues, and be myself again. This has helped me immensely to not feel like I need a man, etc.

Anyway, he has brought it up several times. It's not a daily thing, or even a weekly thing. Just sometimes, I'll ask him about his day, and he'll say something like "Oh, I don't know, my day was filled with trying to avoid a woman who can't stop flirting with me". That, to me personally, sounds off. Like he's wanting attention. Just my opinion, and I may be wrong.

I asked him today to please stop it because it because I don't care really. Maybe that sounds harsh. I care what happens to him, of course. I just, we don't get to talk on a daily basis usually because he works for a VERY busy fire dept. He will call me if he can from work, but 9 times out of 10, he gets a call not two minutes after he calls. I appreciate him calling, I really do, on his duty days.

I have had a few hesitations with him lately and I am really trying to figure it out. Not just this, but...a few things. Like for instance, our goal is to move to another state. I don't want to say here for privacy reasons. But anyway, we talk about that, and the other day I was talking about how I really want another cat. My favorite cat died last fall and I just miss him dearly. I love all animals, really. Where I plan to live, that won't be a problem. Then he cut in and said "I told you I'd get you a cat once we get there. But, just ONE cat. You're only allowed ONE cat. I like dogs, and I want to have a bunch of them to sled with." That just struck me so hard. Maybe I still do have some irritations left over from my ex-husband, who was a maniacal control freak who controleld what I wore, what I ate, where I could work and when, what color my hair was, and how many animals I could have. I guess when my BF said that to me, the "ONE cat only" thing, I felt a knot in my stomach.

I just don't ever want to be in a relationship where I am told what I can and cannot do. I understand the concept of talking things out, and compromise. I totally do. But for him to just assume that it's okay for him to have as many animals and dogs as he wants, but that I could only have one cat? It just really hit a nerve. Maybe it was because that happened to be a really stressful day for me at home and at work. I thought maybe he was joking when he said that. And then he said, "No, I'm deadly serious. I'm a man, I don't like cats. And you should be happy I'd let you get one because I hate them".

And that surely stood out to me as a big RED flag. Of a controlling person that I don't want to be with. I try very hard to think things through and not just flip out on my first thought or feeling. Which is why I came here. I am really having second thoughts of our plans, for several reasons. These being a couple.

Sigh. Sometimes I totally think I am better off being alone for ever. It was 8 years before I dated after my divorce. I focused on me and my kids, and I promised myself I wouldn't ever put myself into a bad relationship again. That I'd look out for the red flags and not dismiss them like I did before with my ex. So I am really trying hard to realize if it's just my being a bit hypervigilant about his comments and I'm just over-reacting, or if he really is a bit too controlling and that we're not compatible.

Thanks for listening. I really love this board and all the things I have read so far.

**Zephii** · August 29, 2011, 04:52 PM

I don't think the way he speaks to you is very respectful, and I don't think you're overreacting. It's a bit of a worry. Do you stand up to him and say "Don't speak to me like that?"

**nurseliberty** · August 30, 2011, 02:43 AM

Yes, I do tell him I don't like the way he speaks to me. Sometimes he says he's sorry, and sounded sincere. But then other times, he says something like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it the way you took it." It felt like, when in middle school and some of the most popular girls always tease you and then say "I was just kidding!!! Why do you make such a big deal about it?".

The more I think about my relationship with him, after so many months of many conversations, agreeing on so many things, like religion and politics and goals in life...now I see more and more things popping up that bother me.

I also feel really pushed too much. He has asked me to marry him and I've never even met him!!!! Sure, we've been "online friends" for quite a while, and then we've been dating long-distance for just about a year. I know it takes time to get to know someone, and I've had to cut things off with people before who like to push. I got married too young, and I have two kids that depend on me. I won't ever rush into a relationship, a marriage, or anything else that affects my children.

For example, another thing I just remembered that he said to me. He said, that if we got married, if we moved to the state we want to together, that I have to homeschool the kids. I was like, "Um, my kids go to public school now. They are very, VERY active in school." I've actually talked to my kids about homeschool, and my son has shown interest in it, but my daughter hasn't. To me, it's more about a family decision, on what is best. And right now, I don't consider him having a say in what *I* "must" do IF we get married.

God, the more I think about these things, the more I think I either need to end it, or talk to him about all these things once again and tell him just how much I am bothered by things. The more I think just honestly about things, the more I am seeing a very controlling man, who wants some submissive wife to boss around in the middle of nowhere. And then i realize why he has never been married!!! :/ I do care about this man. We have had many good things between us, and many things about us are so similar, we could be twins. But, theres more and more red flags I see that really bother me. I don't know if I am just over-reacting, or what...but, I tend to feel in my gut like he really wants to be the boss of someone. And I'm just NOT that type of girl. I made that mistake once. Tried to change myself for my ex-husband. I have always regretted that, and I will never do that again. EVER.

Sometimes I think maybe I am just meant to be alone. Dating has been very hard for me. Not that I've done much of it. This was the closest I have gotten to someone, and we didn't meet on a dating site, we met on a forum and were friends for SO long first. That's why maybe it felt "so right" for so long? I don't know. I am just having so many doubts. Then again, this is a hard time of year for me. I don't want to rush a decision, and yet I don't want to be a total idiot and just keep hanging on to a relationship that is not going to work. Does that make any sense?! LOL I have such a migriane, so I'm sorry if this doens't make total sense. I need to go to bed. Good night all, and thanks so much for your replies. It means a lot.

**nurseliberty** · August 30, 2011, 02:43 AM

Oops,double post. Sorry!!

**solarkissed** · August 30, 2011, 10:37 AM

First and foremost, I want to give you a big hug. Although, I haven't been through exactly what you've been through - I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I, too, have been through a destructive and hurtful relationship that left scars that I'm still carrying with me, despite taking years to repair myself. I have to stand back many times and assess whether or not my behavior in my current relationship is a result of what I've been through with my ex, or if I'm warranted to act/feel/behave the way I do. So, I can relate to your internal conflict and all the questions you ask yourself. You sound like you've done a lot of reflecting on your SO, and there are definite concerns. I think, in this case, you're warranted. Those are clear and definite red flags. Confront them. Talk to him. Be blunt and just tell him your concerns. His reaction will be your answer. I don't think we give our intuition enough credit.

**Zephii** · August 30, 2011, 10:45 AM

Sadly, some people are great as friends, but they aren't the best relationship material. I'm seeing a lot of red flags too, and I'm wondering if he'll boss you around, how's he going to treat your kids?

Don't write off dating all together though. I don't think anyone is just supposed to be single forever (though, I can see how that could be a lot of fun lol) it's just some people need to kiss a lot of frogs before they find a prince.

Chin up! You're obviously a smart woman, and you'll figure out what's best for you.

And of course we're always here to listen.

**solarkissed** · August 30, 2011, 10:47 AM

Oh, and on the topic of your original post...I think him telling you about women flirting with him and his controlling statements are all evidence of low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. A man that is confident doesn't feel the need to "brag" about women flirting and definitely are comfortable sharing the control in a relationship.

I wish you the best, whether with him or not. If he's not the one, please don't give up on dating or accept that you're destined to live alone. It will happen when you're ready and when you least expect it.

**jiynx** · August 30, 2011, 05:53 PM

My SO does the exact same thing and the same situation... he's been cheated on too. He'll tell me when girls are flirting with him. I'm pretty certain it's just to be honest with you. He just wants you to trust him, and since he's been cheated on before, he doesn't want to come off as cheating himself. He knows what the pain is like, and wants to reassure you that you're the only woman for him - even if it's just a girl flirting. He doesn't want any secrets. I think it's nice that he tells you. But if this isn't necessary for you, I think you should do what I did: just tell him that it isn't necessary and that it gives you a strange feeling when he does tell you about these girls. If nothing else, an LDR is about open communication. This is all we have to work on especially since the physical isn't there. I'd talk to him about it. What would it hurt?

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BF keeps telling me about girls who flirt with him?

BF keeps telling me about girls who flirt with him?

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