First fight, I feel beat up inside

[Jezah]

Me and HBB just had our first fight.

Almost 4 months without any fights or anything, barely even minor quarrels. This one was big, I even got sarcastic and I never ever imagined myself being that way with him. I guess it was just little things, he is supposed to be visiting me in October, but he doesn't have a ticket yet because his passport hasn't arrived yet. The passport app was sent out in June, so I am worried and reminded him to call the agency and ask and he hasn't. He has done pretty much zilch to prepare to come here, and it finally really got to me. Then, on top of it all, he has his briefing for the military this weekend. Its a huge test that is part 1 of deciding when/if he will get in. I am obviously stressed about it, and he will be gone 3 days with very little contact with me at all. This is bad enough, but I am understanding about it but then I found out, Tuesday when he is supposed to be coming back he decided instead of coming home to talk to me on Skype he wanted to go to his friends house for a BBQ and drink.

I pretty much went off, I feel like not a priority, and I even considered breaking up with him until the point in time he SHOWS me I am a priority. He even had the nerve to say I sound 'needy' because 'I get to talk to him everyday and now that I can't talk to him for 4 days I am having a fit'. Excuse me? I was fine with the 3 days away, the friend after the fact is my issue. I put it to him this way, if I was his live in girlfriend/wife like we planned, and he goes away for 3 days and barely can talk to me, and once he got out he decided instead of coming home he was going to go to a friends house and stay over, that would be unacceptable. So why is it 'ok' just because I am 'only' a online girlfriend? Am I somehow less? It just pissed me off, and I yelled and got cross.

Issue is, now I feel bad and feel torn up. I am really devastated because me and him were always so 'perfect' and never fought and now we did and it was huge.

[Miramaid]

I am in the same boat...
Last time we argued (Monday) was over me wanting him to communicate with me more. I am in grad school in the USA and my whole family is in another country and I have no friends here. We argue a lot actually about different things, but last time it was that. He pretty much said that life sux and I can not rely on him for my own happiness and that he feels like he has to emotionally babysit me. Said that I do not appreciate what he does for me and that I need to put a big girl pants and either bear with my life or go back home if i miss mom that much. As he said "I know it sounds mean, but if I do not tell you that, no one else will". We aregued and argued and he said he was already trying his best and that he is thinking of not contacting me at all for a couple of weeks so I know what it is really like.

He texted today after 4 days, but it was a cold text "How are you?", 'How is school?" that is it. He doesnt get it. He has been on his own for a long time. I wish i was stuck at work. I wish i was stuck anywhere but home. And if only you could see my apt. It is extremely small with cement walls like a prison (it is the cheapest on campus).

I too do not know what to do and I do not know why he doesn't understand. I wish I could offer you some advice. I think if a guy doesnt call for 3 days but has all the means to do so, he doesn't care that much... That is at least what I think about my BF. I seriously am starting to doubt his feelings and starting to feel that he is not that much into me.

I wish you luck and hope he will realize wha he is doing wrong. I also wish that next time you will be able to more effectively communicate your needs to him

[NaNi]

I sometimes feel the same way. I don't care if my SO goes out with friends during the week because I'm at school anyway and we can't talk, but I get really upset if she makes huge plans for the weekend. It happened often, so I had to tell her. The thing is, when we are on a visit she always makes time for me. We're together 24/7 and we both love it that way. But as soon as we're LD again it changes. Not drastically, at least she now makes sure that she's free on either Saturday or Sunday. Of course I'd like a bit more attention, but I take what I can get. So yes, I can see way you reacted the way you did. I'm really bad at handling such a situation myself.

[michy]

I agree with NaNi...
I love to see my SO out having fun with friends, but he also makes sure he has a window of time open for a Skype at some point during the weekend- that's important.

If he were going away for 3 days with minimal/no contact (and he does do long weekends away every once in awhile) like in Jezah's situation above, then I would feel like contact with me ought to be a priority once he got back, before drinks with friends! And I'd probably be hurt too if I got put behind them... unless there was a reason for the BBQ/drinks, like a special occasion party or something that I'd totally understand him not wanting to miss.

[Jezah]

Its hard too, because I will be worried all weekend about the results of the test.

He has offered to not go to the BBQ but I told him no, because now that he agreed to go and made the plans I would feel like he would resent me if I made him cancel. He also said he hasn't seen this friend in forever, but I just don't understand why it has to be NOW. Why he had to make plans to see him this week, and not just some other time. *sigh*

[Minerva]

Ah, fights suck. And first fights are the worst.

He's probably thinking going over to a friend's house isn't a big deal. It's easy for him to think that because he's the one going, he's not the one sitting around waiting to hear from his SO. On the other hand, it's hard for you because you are waiting. He might not be seeing it from your perspective.

But given the reason for his absence, after a stressful 3 days, perhaps he wants blow off some steam with a mate and just turn off and not think too much. As stressed as you are about the test, imagine how he feels. Now I'm not saying talking to you can't help him de-stress, but talking to a girlfriend isn't the same as being stupid with a friend and eating BBQ. He might just really need the guy time. And I know the timing sucks, because you'll be out of contact already for 3 days, but he might need it at that point more than usual given the stress.

My SO plays WoW. Sometimes he plays it for hours on end, several days in a row. 90% of the time, I have no problem with it -- I'm glad he's having fun with friends. But sometimes it annoys me when he does it for hours during times we could be talking. I have to remind myself that I'm not the only thing in his life and he's entitled to have fun with his friends. I also think if we were living together, it wouldn't be so bad because we could still talk while he plays, we'd still be in each other's presence.

As far as the passport and trip-planning goes, how much of this test has taken up his mind? How good of a planner is he ordinarily? I have to tell you, I've found most men are lax on these planning things. It could be that he just assumes everything will work out and he can't understand the fuss you're making. It could be this test is taking up a lot of his mind. Try to remember he does want to come see you, and that's not a little thing. You have a man who wants to travel a quarter of the way around the world to see you -- I think he cares. =)

I understand how you feel, because I've been there, hoo boy have I! But there's a give and take in these things. You both could do a bit better at looking at the other's perspective.

Try not to feel so bad. People fight. They do. You'll move on from this and be fine, and before you know it, your HBB will be there with you. =)

*hugs*

[WhiteValkyrie]

If he's calling your rightful anger "a fit", I'd literally punch him in the stomach the next time I see him. Anyone who calls someone else's feelings "too much", especially when they aren't, should be given a good hard lesson about what pain is. And best part is, when he doubles over in pain, tell HIM HE'S overreacting!